Make Friends With Your Perfectionism

Perfectionism can be a frustrating little pest. Wanting everything in our lives to be perfect is the quickest way to cultivate feelings of “I’m not good enough” down every corner we turn. Perfectionism can block us from being productive, intuitive, creative, and authentic. It can keep us from celebrating our progress. Perfectionism can also keep us from beginning something new or completing a project, for fear of not being the best. And it can keep us from enjoying the journey — feeling like our efforts are never enough.

All my life, I’ve felt the frustration of being an imperfect perfectionist. One day, I realized that life would feel a lot easier if I just accepted my perfectionism and learned to love it! Some say perfectionism is the enemy of progress, but if we can learn to harness the power of our perfectionism and make it our friend, it can begin to work for us, rather than against us!

Here are some ways we can make friends with that feeling, give ourselves a break, and love where we are today:

1. Honor the ways your perfectionism works for you.
There are lots of ways your perfectionist tendencies are already working for you. Let’s honor them! Maybe you have a great eye for detail that makes you a spectacular writer or editor. Maybe you’re a brilliant problem-solver, able to pick out discrepancies and find fast solutions with your highly critical eye. Maybe you’re terrific at travel planning, a meticulous chef, or a researcher who leaves no stone unturned. Maybe you love to take on challenges, knowing you’ll follow through. There are lots of ways your perfectionism serves you — make a gratitude list!

2. Laugh at the perfectionist; thank it, and keep moving.
You know the areas that your perfectionism trips you up most. Is it your diet, exercise plan or body? Your work? Your art? Your public image? When you feel the perfectionist tendency arising, notice it. Acknowledge it. Laugh, lovingly — saying “thank you — I realize I have the fierce drive to be successful in this area, which is awesome, but all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, knowing that doing my best — today — is enough!”

3. Celebrate your everyday successes.
At the end of the day, instead of thinking of all the things you still need to get done with that “What’s next?” mentality, take a few minutes to celebrate what you accomplished. Even the smallest positive steps forward are worthy of your celebration and acknowledgment. The more you celebrate the small steps, the more you’ll start feeling like a rock star every day of the journey — not just when your big goals are achieved.

4. Give yourself permission to change course.
If you’ve set up a strict, high-standard goal for yourself, make sure to check in along the way and see if you’re actually enjoying it. Is this course of action really working for you? Does it make you feel good or do you feel pressured and stressed out? Sometimes the only thing stressing us out is our own perfectionism. You’ll get better results if you allow some wiggle room for your intuition to flow in. Let your intuition work hand in hand with your high-achieving mentality, make commitments that feel exciting, and allow yourself the time to reflect and change course along the way.

5. Have compassion for yourself if you take a step backward, or if you’re struggling.
One of the pesky traits of perfectionism is beating ourselves up when we make a mistake or veer off course. If your best friend was going through a slump, a period of struggle, or seemingly took a step backwards from her ideals — how would you treat her? Probably with lots of compassion, encouraging words and love. Treat yourself the same way. Acknowledge that having perfectionist tendencies can make you hard on yourself, have compassion for that, and encourage yourself the way you would encourage a friend.

6. Learn to relax and embrace uncertainty.
Most people with perfectionist tendencies have trouble relaxing. There’s always something more you could be doing, another goal to be attained, something that can be fixed. Taking time to just relax and not work toward a goal can be exactly what you need to enjoy your life as it is now. Realize that no matter how hard you work or how much you analyze and control your life, things can always turn out totally different from what you anticipated. Giving yourself some time to really relax and enjoy life will only make you more productive when you do revisit your goals. So just do your best today, honor yourself for that, and then truly chill out! The serenity prayer helps: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

7. Get support!
Having a friend, mentor, coach, therapist or other sounding board can help you laugh and have fun with your inner perfectionist. When you’re feeling “not good enough” — tell someone! Out yourself. Just saying it out loud to someone else can relieve some of the pressure, help you let go, and make you realize you’re not alone in this wild, crazy, beautiful journey of life.

Jenny Sansouci, a graduate of the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, writes about nutrition, health and personal development.

Photo credit: Liza

Clearing the Clutter in Your Mind

I am going through this absolutely agonizingly delicious process, right now, of clearing out and re-organizing my office. Impatient sigh. Taking each book from the shelf, holding it in my hand, and deciding — do I want this thing? Will I read it again? Did I ever read it? Am I keeping it because it was a gift? Should I donate it? The whole process makes me lightheaded and queasy. I am working with an organizer, and it still smarts.

That is, until one shelf is done. And then, another. And then, a whole mess of oxygen and space and light are freed up. Instead of feeling congested and pressed when I sit at my desk, I feel happy. And free. And when someone asks me for a book, I can race to the shelf and pick it up, knowing just where it is. Oh, what a feeling. No more agonizing over which pile it lives behind! I am like a gazelle when I reach for a book — no, more like a bird of prey, swooping down from a mountain, targeting my kill.

My poetry is back. I am myself again. And all I did was handle my own backlog of clutter and chaos. And I did it right on schedule. It is spring right now, after all.

Time for a little spring cleaning, anyone?

Clutter and chaos happen anywhere and everywhere in a human life.
Refrigerators.
Desks.
Kitchens.
Bathrooms.
Underwear drawers.
You name it.

But guess where we can create the most enormously ginormous backlog of garbage?

In our minds. Yah. Really. No kidding. See, your mind is not a refrigerator. When you leave something in the fridge, and come back and get it the next day, it is still fresh and fabulous. Your mind is not like that.

If you have a communication you need to make, and you do not make it, it not only clogs up the works inside your head, but it begins to rot and fester and infect other thoughts.

When your husband forgot to pick up the dry cleaning for the 17,000th time, and you hold in your frustration, you add to the interior clutter. When your boss yells at you for no reason, and it is just not the right time to argue back or defend yourself, you toss more garbage on your inner heap. When you get stuck in traffic and miss the opening act of the concert, or burn dinner, or forget your laptop for an important presentation, you just keep stacking up heaps and heaps of garbage, inside your own mind.
Sometimes it can be historical garbage — like, your first boyfriend broke your heart, so you bring your broken heart to every relationship. Sometimes it’s not even your garbage — you inherited your mom’s garbage about money because she was poor when she was a little kid.

And in our culture, we do not really get taught good ways of managing our garbage.
When people get too overloaded with unexpressed thoughts and feelings, we explode with anger. Or worse, we turn the anger in on ourselves.

But what if there was a way to do mental spring cleaning? Just like I did with my bookshelf? What if there was a way to dump all of that accumulated crap from years of unspoken communications — clean your own clock and fly free like a bird — just as I did, with my spring-cleaned office?

There is a special exercise that I teach, both in my book, “Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts” and in my seminars. It is one of the most popular and practical of all the tools in the great lexicon of the Womanly Arts toolbox. I would not start my day without it. If I don’t dump my crap, it could accumulate. And when it accumulates, my enjoyment of everything diminishes. Why? Well, think about it — you can’t enjoy, or even see, your clothes when they are jammed and stuffed in your closet. It is the same thing with your feelings. If you are stuffed with unprocessed, plugged-up emotions, from a day before, or a lifetime before, you can’t contact your own private truth. And life gets decidedly less fun. You start making decisions out of fear, rather than joy. You do what other people want for you, because you can’t find your own voice. Your voice is so deeply buried underneath a lifetime of crap. You are reactive, not proactive. Frustration is your middle name. Confusion is your first name. And your last name is Bleh. There are options and solutions all around you, but you can’t see any of them.

Constipation of the soul is not a pleasant sensation. Especially for you — you who have so much promise; you who have so much potential; you who have a heart filled with gorgeous, raw desire. So, I am going to give you the down-low on this little exercise, right here, right now, so you can do some spring cleaning that will lighten up every aspect of your surging, pounding, pulsing thoughts, so you can begin to really really fly in the direction of your deepest truth.

Here’s how it works. You can do this exercise alone or to a wall, but it is best done with a partner. You both first agree to keep what is said in the exercise confidential, so that you can be free in revealing your charge. Then, if you’re doing this exercise in person, sit facing each other, either at a café or some private place. You can also do this exercise over the phone. One of you asks the other the same question, over and over in an expressionless tone, for 10-15 minutes. The other answers. Then you switch. For example:

Person 1: What do you have on “desire”?
Person 2: I have no idea what I desire.
Person 1: Thank you. What do you have on “desire”?
Person 2: I remember when I was three, and I desired a ribbon for my hair and my mother criticized me.
Person 1: Thank you. What do you have on “desire”?
Person 2: I want a chocolate-covered pretzel right now.
Person 1: Thank you. …

… And so on. Then you switch. The result of this practice is you, uncluttered. You, unplugged. You, unfettered. You, the gazelle. You, the swooping bird. You. Pure, wild, savage, wonderful, irreplaceable you.

Photo credit: Roman Tanglao

Nourishing Your Inner Introvert

Ever notice how exhausted you get after social outings? You had a great time, saw old friends, wined, dined, laughed and reconnected. Then the next day (or two…) all you want to do is hibernate.

Why does socializing make you feel so exhausted, so depleted, so run down? Did you drink too much wine? Stay out too late? Are you just frail, weak, lazy? Why do the happiest of times turn into the most exhausting of times?

If social activity leaves you depleted, you’re likely introverted. Understand and take ownership of your introverted nature, and you’ll be better equipped to maintain a schedule that maximizes your strengths and doesn’t leave you feeling so drained.

Introverts and extroverts complement each other perfectly but could not be more different. The interactions that drain an introvert, energize an extrovert. Introverts gain their energy from their alone time. Extroverts energize through social interaction. Introverts live inwardly. Extroverts quite literally live out loud; they think best when they can speak through issues with others. Introverts love to sit alone and think, quietly, pensively. Extroverts would rather talk to strangers.

We live in a live-out-loud society. Being an extrovert is valued supreme and being introverted is often viewed as a problem that needs to be fixed, grown out of, overcome, or pitied. The invaluable benefits of being introverted are often overlooked when people don’t look deep enough. Ironically they’re often overlooked by introverts themselves.

And so we fight ourselves: “Stop being so lazy, so needy, so emotionally high-maintenance. Battle through, power up, keep it moving. Don’t be such a recluse! Why can’t you be more like so and so? …”

Stop fighting yourself. Give your inner introvert exactly what he/she needs and your invaluable introverted qualities will thrive.

Introverts are introspective, deep and complex. We are full of insight and reflection. We forge strong long-term friendships. We focus on projects intently. We’re extremely self-aware. We’re incredibly observant, often picking up on things others miss, meaningful but less visible subtleties. We think creatively. We problem solve. We have no desire to be the center of attention, nor are we comfortable there. But we’re very aware of what’s happening there and all around us.

Small talk can at times seem meaningless to introverts. We want to intimately jump into the deep end, talk about life issues, emotional battles, topics we’re passionate about. We want to bond and share deeply. We splash around uncomfortably in the shallow end and do the butterfly stroke in the deep end.

It’s biological, our brains are simply stimulated differently, and so it’s out of our control and cannot be changed or “fixed”, nor should it be. We can thrive in small talk and at parties, and we can be very social but our greatest creations, our deepest thoughts, our most powerful reflections, our most sustainable energy, will always come from our alone time — our power zone. The more we respect our power zone, the more we thrive.

I have a theory on introverts that has helped me become more accepting of my own introverted nature. I believe all living beings are connected, energetically and spiritually. The more we realize how we’re all connected, the more good we’ll try to do for the world and all its inhabitants. I believe introverts are uniquely tapped into the energy that connects us. It’s this energetic hardwiring that allows us to see the things others miss, to probe so deeply, analyze so intently, self-reflect so thoroughly. And because we’re so in tune with this energy, so internally stimulated by it, we get depleted quickly. This energy shoots us up like lightening to metal, and we need peace, solitude and quiet to recover and defuse.

So give yourself permission to be still, introspective, reflective. Turn down social events when it gets to be too many. Set boundaries. Allow yourself to thrive according to your own rules. You’re not frail or weak; you’re your own energy supplier. You’re the Con Ed of your soul. If you don’t pay the bill, you run all your lights out. Pay the bills and your deep introspective magic will illuminate the mind’s eye.

There’s no competition between introverts and extroverts. One is no better than the other. We simply form an emotional and intellectual ying and yang, two pieces fitting together in perfect synchronicity. The world would not be as complete, as balanced or as beautiful, if everyone was one or the other.

Extroverts bring the pizzazz and sparkle; introverts bring the mystery and allure. Extroverts are bright and colorful rainbows, immediately capturing people’s attention with their beauty and shine. Introverts are the wind in the trees that touches your soul in profound, contemplative and peaceful (though less visible) ways. Both are beautiful and perfect; they co-exist in harmony.

So respect your power zone. Allow yourself to be that silent thinker. Thrive in your pensive reflections. And enjoy all the beautiful rainbows.

Liz Longacre is the founder of Gentle Living. Gentle Living embraces all aspects of living a gentle but powerful life. From self-love, to animal welfare, to travel, to home decor, to ethical beauty & fashion, to an animal friendly travel department, it’s all gentle; not weak, just gentle.

Photo credit: Anthony Vasquez

You Know Tai Chi Looks Relaxing … Here’s Why

Have you ever wondered what the connection is between the slow-motion choreography of tai chi and a calmer mind? There’s a natural process at work here, linking the mind and the body. If you understand that link, you can find lots of places in your life to embrace slowness and move toward more relaxation.

The Speed of the Mind

We live in a culture where the speed of the mind rules. We don’t move at the speed of nature like we did when our agricultural roots were stronger. Everything moves at the speed of ideas and information, and your body pays the price.

Think of it as a three-legged race, where you mind and your body are bound together with a rope, your nervous system. In our society, the mind pulls ahead, lightning fast, tugging on the ropes of the nervous system, prodding the body to keep up.

You know what the end of this race feels like. Your eyes feel like they’re about to burst, your face is red, maybe you’re short of breath, and your wrists definitely hurt a little. You didn’t just run a 5K – you’ve been sitting at your desk all day, letting your mind race. Inside your body, there’s a chemical and hormonal race going on, trying to keep pace with the mind too.

And what do so many people do to try to recover from that race? Jump on the Internet at home, watch TV, go to a movie, or find some other way to turn down the volume on an aching body.

Here’s where tai chi offers an alternative. As soon as you understand why, you can put little tai chi moments into your day that break up the stress cycle.

The Speed of the Body

Have you ever tried to meditate to turn off some of the stressful noise of your day? Students come to me all the time and say, “I tried meditation, but I couldn’t sit still.” Well, yeah, especially if the source of a lot of your stress comes from sitting in front of a computer all day, you need to change things up.

If you let it, tai chi will meet you halfway. See, the beauty of slow-motion movement exercise is that you start moving at the speed of the body, which is naturally much, much slower that the speed of the mind.

My favorite thought experiment: Picture your favorite vacation spot. Can you feel the sun on your skin? Taste your favorite vacation foods? Great. Now, this is the key part: How long is it going to take you to walk there and actually eat that meal, digest it, and use the nutrients to restore your body? See what I mean about the mind moving a lot faster than the body? Not only does it take you a lot longer to move your body than your mind, but when it comes to relaxation, you have to do it in the body, not just the mind, for it to actually work.

Now, let’s go back to the three-legged race. This time, your body is moving at its own pace, nice and slow. At first, you have to put up with the chatter of the mind, bouncing around, trying to talk you into moving faster. But like a little kid with tons of energy, eventually the mind wears itself out and gets lulled to sleep by the smooth, steady pace of the body. And here’s the big payoff: When the mind and the body get in sync, what do you think happens to the rope binding them together? It starts to let go. You are putting a little slack in your wound-up nervous system. When you let the nervous system release a little bit, all of your natural restorative mechanisms kick in. You sleep better, rest is more restful, and your transitions in and out of work are smoother.

All of this comes from moving at the speed of the body instead of the speed of the mind. In tai chi, there is a learning progression for gradually slowing down and paying attention to deeper internal mechanisms that move at slower speeds. You cultivate a calmer mind by becoming more aware of your natural internal processes. It may sound weird, but you are born with an entire internal world to explore, and you can develop your internal senses to explore them, just like you learn to refine your sense of taste when you get into food and wine. The challenge is that so much of what we do pulls us out, away from our intuitive sense of an internal world. But tai chi offers a way back in.

Getting Started with Tai Chi

To help you start this exploration process, and tune up your natural restorative powers, I’ve put together an easy, follow-along practice. There’s a lot of material packed into this short video, so I encourage you to watch it all the way through, then go back and pick one thing at a time to play with. And really, once you catch the feeling, it much more like play than work anyway. Never work hard at relaxation!

Once you can practice this exercise for 5-10 minutes, try a “tai chi break” in your day. By sprinkling in short bursts of tai chi between regular work, you’ll start resetting your internal speed. This goes a long way for making relaxation your default habit instead of stress. Good luck!

Dan Kleiman is the Program Director at Brookline Tai Chi, one of the largest health-oriented Tai Chi schools in the country. For more advice on developing a movement practice focused on relaxation and pain relief, visit http://www.DanKleiman.com/get-moving.

Photo credit: Himynameiseuan

Does Your Comfort Food Really Meet Your Needs?

Foods are strongly linked to our emotions and moods. Therefore, our day’s events can drive our eating habits. Due to our hectic lifestyles and chronic stress, many of us are turning to food to soothe, comfort and provide relief from intense feelings or low moods. We are bombarded daily by stressors, whether in our environment, workplace, family, relationships, financial or all of them. As these generally bring forth unpleasant feelings or low energy, we may reach for our comfort foods to cope. Under emotional distress, we seek out quick fixes and may not have the motivation to make ideal choices regarding our comfort foods.

Many people report sugar cravings after a stressful event, because blood sugar is low and brain chemicals are reduced. Choosing sugary foods is the first and most convenient method of quickly raising good mood chemicals and energy. However, these comfort foods provide temporary relief with negative physiological effects. The foods we crave to ease our stress generally are the ones that are worse for us in terms of weight gain and digestive and immune system issues. Most common “pick-me-up foods” are frosted donuts, cookies, soda pop, ice cream, gummy candies and chocolate bars. What is your comfort food? Is it from a vending machine? Does your comfort food contain the essential nutrients your body and mind need to function optimally? If your comfort food is heavily processed, sugar-loaded and void of nutrients, it will in the end deplete your vital systems of what they require, putting your physical and mental health at risk.

The good news is that there are many healthy emotionally-soothing or mood-enhancing foods. There are foods armed with nutrients that can provide elevated moods and satisfaction. Carbohydrates can provide the necessary relief we are seeking. Complex carbohydrates include whole-grain breads, whole-wheat pasta, brown or wild rice, bananas, barley, potatoes and sweet potatoes. Vegetables are also part of the carbohydrate family that are filled with all the vital nutrients our body requires for optimal functioning. The key is to have these foods available when we are feeling vulnerable.

Most people crave carbohydrates pre-evening and throughout the night. Bingeing on high-carb foods, such as potato chips, cookies, cereal, French fries, rice cakes and snack crackers, causes one to feel regret and remorse. To prevent carb-overloading after supper, have a half a piece of whole-grain bread dipped in olive oil 20 minutes before supper. This will raise good mood levels enough to take the edge off and prevent you from over-eating at supper. During supper, it is important to eat carbohydrates, such as brown rice, sweet potatoes, or mashed turnips and squash. Be conscious of your portion sizes. In the evening, if cravings persist, try eating air-popped popcorn drizzled with olive oil and a hot cup of rooibos tea.

Food cravings can also be managed through stress-relieving strategies, such as having a warm bath, reading a book in a quiet room or taking a casual walk. Jot down some self-care activities that bring you pleasure, comfort and calmness. It is important that your stress-reducing methods be simple so they are easy to follow through. Rather than food, find comfort in a loved one, friend or pet, as they can provide long-lasting physical and emotional benefits.

Using foods to de-stress or defuse emotions and feelings may not be the ideal coping mechanism. However, many choose to do so. As rational thinking may not always be present after a stressful situation, it is important to have healthy foods accessible and available to meet your physical and emotional needs. Eating to live is more satisfying than eating to “get by.” Reassess your comfort food and determine if it is really meeting your needs.

Treena Wynes, author of “Eating Ourselves Crazy” is a Registered Social Worker, former bulimic and owner of a weight-loss counseling service. She focuses on the emotional and mental aspect of food addiction and obesity issues.

Photo credit: **tWo pInK pOSsuMs**