We’ve all had those moments where our minds go on a scary adventure to fear. It’s the “fear mind” that resembles a monkey with rabies and tends to be rather abusive and pessimistic. It says things like: “You can’t do that”; “Who do you think you are?”; “Ewww, gross, you have cellulite on your ass when you move like that in bed!” It’s really like a mind bully, except that bully is a part of our psyche. Not YOU necessarily, but part of the way our minds work as humans. Sooo … we best get to learn how to work with the rabies monkey “fear mind.”
One place that is often ignored when we talk about “fear mind” is sex. We talk about our fear to find love, our fear to take risks and start our own business or get a new job; but when it comes to sex, we might as well be Puritans living in the 1800s churning butter. All funky feelings arise and suddenly Harvard scientists, leading psychologists and researchers become like fifth-grade students — uncomfortable, anxious and avoidant. I say, let’s address it. Let’s walk through the fears, not around them.
Have you ever felt embarrassed before having sex or during sex? Sex is one of our most taboo vulnerable spots. In our Western society and in many societies cross culturally, we have seen an overemphasis on vulgar sexuality, and sexualizing products and even children to sell products. However, the sacred in sex is null and void. What is the sacred in sex? The sacred is accepting all of our sexual selves as beautiful and as something to be explored. Throughout our history, sex has become dirty and has been tainted with this virgin archetype of we must only enjoy pleasure if married. Yet these mixed messages really mess with us, and we don’t have a safe space to truly connect with our sexual selves — with how we feel with our own being as sexual and how we feel with a lover in bed. These anxieties are normal and, once processed, become a key to unlock the door to true intimacy with yourself and with your lover.
Shame arises from this guilt that we are doing something wrong, with our insecurities and our self-esteem with our body, with the lack of knowledge around sexuality and the permission culturally, from our parents, from our books, to say it’s OK, it’s beautiful and it’s sacred to explore your entire sexual self, to let go and be free. This shame causes sadness, lack of intimacy and a block, as we are sexual beings and it’s part of our health to have healthy and fun sex lives.
So how can we alchemize this shame into fiery intimacy? Here are three keys that I have found successful with my clients.
The Goddess Cures:
1. Take time to explore you (god/goddess time).
2. Read about sacred sexuality, tantra; inform yourself on the sacred nature of sex and begin to become conscious around your own sexual self — the insecurities, the fantasies, etc. (Google is genius; use it.)
3. Create a ritual before you have sex either with yourself (masturbation) or with your partner/lover. Light some candles and incense, play relaxing music, and remember to breathe and take it slow.
Christine Gutierrez is a mind-body psychotherapist and holistic health expert. She is the founder of Sacred Space NYC, a holistic healing+bodywork collective, and Cosmic Life, an online hub that features content from Christine and other experts, as well as resources, products, and services.
Well, well, well, look at our brilliant bloggers rockin’ the mic at TEDx! It’s like a Crazy Sexy party. Grab some tea or juice, settle in and enjoy. I’m so proud! Ladies and gents, I give you the phenomenal Gabby Bernstein, Alissa Vitti, Mama Gena, Lissa Rankin, SARK and of course, my very own spectacular sister, Leslie Carr. Can you believe that her very first public speech was a TED talk? Oh, yeah! Cause that’s how we roll in my family. WOOT!
Beware: You will get goosebumps. Oh and you may want to quit your job, change your life and lock and load into your greatness. I’m just saying. :)
Have a terrific weekend!
Peace & inspirational lectures,
kc
Gabrielle Bernstein
Featured in the New York Times Sunday Styles section as “a new role model,” motivational speaker, life coach and author Gabrielle Bernstein is making her mark.
Alissa Vitti
Alisa Vitti, HHC, AADP (Holistic Health Counselor, American Association of Drugless Practitioners) founded Laughing Sage Wellness, now the FLO Living Center LLC, in Manhattan, ten years ago—this, after battling the frustrating health symptoms of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and then healing herself through food and lifestyle changes.
Mama Gena
Regena Thomashauer (Mama Gena) is a revolution: an icon, teacher, author, mother and one of a handful of pioneers on the planet researching the nature of pleasure and dedicating her life to the discipline of pleasure.
Lissa Rankin
Lissa Rankin, MD is an OB/GYN physician, author, keynote speaker, consultant to health care visionaries, professional artist, and founder of the women’s health and wellness community OwningPink.com. Discouraged by the broken, patriarchal health care system, she left her medical practice in 2007 only to realize that you can quit your job, but you can’t quit your calling.
SARK
SARK is a best-selling author and artist, with sixteen titles in print and well over two million books sold.
Leslie Carr
Dr. Leslie Carr is a registered clinical psychologist in private practice, where she works with adults out of her San Francisco, CA office, as well as via Skype.
I was once practicing meditation in Benares, India, in a monastery situated right in between a bus station and a train station. In this very urban, crowded place, there was one patch of garden that was a few square feet.
I was sitting outside there one day next to the few little tufts of grass and other growing things, when I noticed that within the garden there was a single cabbage growing. In that moment, I had an amazing experience. Sitting there, just looking at the cabbage, I realized oneness with it!
When I looked at the cabbage, what I saw was forces of nature coming together in a certain configuration, at a certain time, with tentative form and tentative color, coming together, arising, being born, growing old, decaying, dying. I recognized that what I called my “self” also was just forces of nature coming together in a certain way at a certain time, with tentative form, having been born, growing old, decaying and dying. I saw I was composed of elements, with no self entity beyond that or behind that. Just a constant flow of energy. I became totally at-one with this cabbage.
I remembered the Mahayana Sutra where all the Buddha does is hold up one flower. He doesn’t speak at all; he just holds up a flower. In that tiny garden at that time I understood how all of the laws of nature, all the inherent truth of life, could be revealed in one moment of seeing deeply into an event or an experience or an object or a person.
This whole experience reminded me of Alice in Wonderland, a young girl one day taking a trip through the Looking Glass. Suddenly, I was looking at everything from a completely different angle, recognizing that there is no inherent substance to anything in our lives; there is no solid entity like an unchanging ego that we need to do battle with.
In spiritual life, we are not facing an implacable enemy of self that we need to fight, that we need to overcome or eradicate. Spiritual life is understanding the true nature of things, most importantly our own true nature.
It is as though we were trying to dislodge a tree in a forest; the most powerful and direct way would be to uproot it. The root of the tree that is our daily grasping and fear is ignorance. We can approach the tree and start picking off leaf after leaf and twig after twig and branch after branch, only then beginning to peel away the bark, and start cutting off inch after inch of the trunk, to finally get to the root. Or, we can take the direct way.
In spiritual practice the only true confrontation we have is with our own ignorance. Ignorance is the root of this tree of uneasiness and dissatisfaction in life. All of our effort is directed toward understanding. We do not need to do battle with all the different leaves or twigs; we need to see clearly how things are.
I had a moment like that in the tiny garden in the monastery in Benares. I was a bit chagrined that it was a “lowly” cabbage that was my vehicle for seeing more clearly at that time. I couldn’t imagine, for example, a text called the Cabbage Sutra. But there the cabbage was – plain, homey, not ornamental or showy … and there I was, trying to understand my life.
For more information on how to optimize your life, visit SharonSalzberg.com
Resentment. It’s an ugly, murky, sludgy cesspool. And if I even stick one toe in it, it can swallow me up for years. Of course, resentment doesn’t usually come in the form of sticking one toe in. For me, it can look like strapping on my cement boots, weight belt and helmet and barreling in. And when I’m in that deep, it’s really hard to wade out.
I’m rounding the bend on a three-year resentment. So I’ve got an impressive litany of complaints, grievances and justifications for how I’ve been wronged. And guess what those have gotten me? Nothing, unless you want to count anger, bitterness, rage, immobility and despondency. Resentment hasn’t served me at all. It has kept me stuck, trapped in the pain of my own negativity. Nelson Mandela said it best: “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.”
So how do you get unstuck when you’re mired in resentment? It took me a solid two-and-a-half years of daily, hard, spiritual work. And one of the things I learned along the way was that I was actively taking part in my resentments. A teacher asked me, “Rory, what’s the payoff here? There must be a payoff for you to hold on so tightly to these resentments.” Payoff? What payoff? This sucks! I got totally screwed! I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy (except for the one who I have this mother of a resentment toward)! I was so entrenched, the payoff wasn’t at all visible to me for about two years. But I eventually got to recognize that if I held onto my anger, rage and justifications, then I didn’t need to take responsibility for myself. I didn’t need to look at my part (I always have a part), and I didn’t need to move forward and get on with my life. I could hide all my fears and insecurities behind how this person wronged me. I could blame this person for everything that was bad in my life and all the ways I was failing. I could wait around for decades, waiting for this person to see the error of their ways and to make things right. All the while, I am in a cesspool, yelling and crying about how unfair it is, inches away from the ladder where I could climb out.
And maybe it is unfair, and maybe I have been wronged. But I’m pretty sure I didn’t come into this life to learn how to be a victim. All the trials I experience are the exact lessons I came into this life to learn. And until I get these lessons ? really get them, I’m doomed to experience them over and over again. This one has been so friggin’ painful, I don’t want to experience it again.
A few weeks ago, during a spiritual ceremony, I was blessed with a vision and an understanding. I got to bring the spirit of my “resentee” to me, and make peace on a soul level. I got to hug and hold my resentee, and through tears, apologize for my part that I can see, apologize for my part that I’m not even aware of because my ego won’t let me see it, and forgive my resentee for trespassing against me. In the ceremony, I understood that in everyday life, we aren’t able to resolve our issues right now in our human forms. But I was able to apologize and forgive in my spirit form, and make peace. I was able to feel the love between our souls, and to see that we were brought into each other’s lives so we could be each other’s teachers ? not to be enemies or adversaries, but to learn these profound lessons.
This morning, I dreamt I ran into my resentee in a restaurant. And I told my resentee about the ceremony and our souls making up. Everything seemed to be going well until I mentioned the part about us being each other’s teachers. My resentee balked at me being a teacher, and left the restaurant. I felt angry and resentful and spurned. But when I woke up, I was pleased. First of all, the fact that I had a dream where I got to be generous and loving and kind was progress. In past dreams, I was violent and crazy. But more important, this is my spiritual journey. Not my resentee’s. It is none of my business what this person thinks of me. It’s none of my business if this person is “right” or “wrong.” It is my job to do the work I’m here to do. And I don’t get to dictate the actions, feelings or spiritual evolution of anyone else. I don’t get to dictate the results either. I just get to learn my lessons and take right actions.
I’d love to say the resentment has lost its charge completely and I am totally free of it. From past resentments, I know from experience that one day that will be the case. And with all the work I’ve been doing, I’m hopeful that day is just around the bend. In the meantime, I have made a ton of progress from where I started three years ago and I’m flooded with gratitude for that. Until the resentment’s gone completely, I’m just going to keep focusing on the lessons I came here to learn and doing the diligent work to embrace them.
For more information on how to optimize your life, visit Skinnybitch.net
If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart and relate to the wound.
-Pema Chodron
Human nature is a curious and often paradoxical thing. We often act with compassion toward others who are suffering but never consider doing the same for ourselves. We have a compassion double standard. If we saw someone bleeding, we would jump into action to tend to the person’s wound right away. We would place all our heartfelt and focused attention on the wounded instead of yelling at the person who caused the wound. We would stay right there with them and take care of the most important thing — the wound and the hurt.
In my early twenties I was driving home around two in the morning from a job I had as a line cook at a busy restaurant. As I drove up the Post Road in Fairfield, Connecticut, I saw a police car pulled over behind another car and a man on top of the police officer beating him with, what turned out to be, the policeman’s own baton.
I turned my car around right after I passed the scene and got out and ran back toward them (I know, I know … crazy, but that’s another post!).
The police officer’s head was badly bleeding, and someone else who had also pulled over had wrestled the guy (who was drunk), off of the cop and had him pinned down. I was yelling for someone to call 911 while ripping my shirt over my head and putting it over the cop’s bleeding skull. I didn’t think about the fact that I was in my bra on the side of the road in the dark with a bleeding cop and a crazy man and the danger of the situation. I simply was attending to the cop’s wound. I wasn’t thinking about who did this at all.
It would be so wonderful that if the next time we felt hurt by the world, or by someone else, we focused on the arrow that landed in our heart. Instead of spending time and energy telling that person about our boundaries and what’s acceptable and how they should communicate better, and all the things we think they should do so that we can feel right and better, we could turn our gaze back to our own wounded heart, lingering there with great kindness and gentleness for however long it took to feel better.
For example, you’re following your partner on a bike ride to the store in Brooklyn. The streets are busy. You don’t know where you’re going. Suddenly there are a million cars and last you saw her she was weaving in and out of traffic. You’ve lost sight of her. You feel left behind. She knows you don’t know where you’re going. You get very angry and pull over to the sidewalk and start texting her. Where the F are you?! When you find your way back to each other, the anger has set in, and you let loose verbally on her about being left, her inconsideration, her selfishness. And the rest of the day is ruined.
Or, you could tend to the arrow in your heart. When you lose sight of her and are aware of your upset, you stop and take a breath and realize that you are actually afraid. You feel shaky, vulnerable, embarrassed, and abandoned. You stay with these feelings right there on the sidewalk. You let yourself cry as a way to let the feelings come up and out in a genuine way. When your partner comes back and finds you, you describe how you were left behind as a child and how very painful that was. You flood your own heart with care as if you are wrapping your arms around a lost child.
One of the things that keeps our attention on others when we are hurt is that we often don’t fully understand the role that the past plays in the present.
The past is rarely in the past. The examination, healing and compassionate understanding of the past is, in my opinion, perhaps the single most powerful thing a human being can do with their life.
Understanding our past and healing our wounds brings us a freedom in the present that is unparalleled. People who have done this work are some of the most available, deep and non-reactive people I have met. They are fully available to be in the present because the past has no grip on them.
By looking at our past and doing our healing work, we not only free ourselves, but we free others from our entrapping projections onto them. We no longer demand that they change in order for us to feel better.
Yes, we can try to surround ourselves with people who are genuine and can look at themselves and aren’t always passing the buck. But it’s not always totally possible, and the point is not to sanitize our lives anyway. The point is to keep tending to what hurts us until it’s healed.
We are naturally caring. We rush to help others in catastrophic events. Yet when it comes to our own emotional wounds, we often get confused about what to do.
Here are three simple tips that have helped me when I find an arrow in my heart:
Pause and take several breaths. Turn inside.
Flood your heart with the warmth and care that you feel for a small puppy or of a loving mother for her child.
Try to make a connection to your past and where you’ve been hurt before.
By tending to the arrow in our own hearts, we engage pain directly and can minimize further suffering.
Bindu Wiles has been a practicing Buddhist for 20 years. She has her BFA in photography and her MFA in creative nonfiction. Bindu offers life coaching and online courses, and she is accepting registration for The Photo Essay Project.
