Make Friends With Your Perfectionism

Perfectionism can be a frustrating little pest. Wanting everything in our lives to be perfect is the quickest way to cultivate feelings of “I’m not good enough” down every corner we turn. Perfectionism can block us from being productive, intuitive, creative, and authentic. It can keep us from celebrating our progress. Perfectionism can also keep us from beginning something new or completing a project, for fear of not being the best. And it can keep us from enjoying the journey — feeling like our efforts are never enough.

All my life, I’ve felt the frustration of being an imperfect perfectionist. One day, I realized that life would feel a lot easier if I just accepted my perfectionism and learned to love it! Some say perfectionism is the enemy of progress, but if we can learn to harness the power of our perfectionism and make it our friend, it can begin to work for us, rather than against us!

Here are some ways we can make friends with that feeling, give ourselves a break, and love where we are today:

1. Honor the ways your perfectionism works for you.
There are lots of ways your perfectionist tendencies are already working for you. Let’s honor them! Maybe you have a great eye for detail that makes you a spectacular writer or editor. Maybe you’re a brilliant problem-solver, able to pick out discrepancies and find fast solutions with your highly critical eye. Maybe you’re terrific at travel planning, a meticulous chef, or a researcher who leaves no stone unturned. Maybe you love to take on challenges, knowing you’ll follow through. There are lots of ways your perfectionism serves you — make a gratitude list!

2. Laugh at the perfectionist; thank it, and keep moving.
You know the areas that your perfectionism trips you up most. Is it your diet, exercise plan or body? Your work? Your art? Your public image? When you feel the perfectionist tendency arising, notice it. Acknowledge it. Laugh, lovingly — saying “thank you — I realize I have the fierce drive to be successful in this area, which is awesome, but all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, knowing that doing my best — today — is enough!”

3. Celebrate your everyday successes.
At the end of the day, instead of thinking of all the things you still need to get done with that “What’s next?” mentality, take a few minutes to celebrate what you accomplished. Even the smallest positive steps forward are worthy of your celebration and acknowledgment. The more you celebrate the small steps, the more you’ll start feeling like a rock star every day of the journey — not just when your big goals are achieved.

4. Give yourself permission to change course.
If you’ve set up a strict, high-standard goal for yourself, make sure to check in along the way and see if you’re actually enjoying it. Is this course of action really working for you? Does it make you feel good or do you feel pressured and stressed out? Sometimes the only thing stressing us out is our own perfectionism. You’ll get better results if you allow some wiggle room for your intuition to flow in. Let your intuition work hand in hand with your high-achieving mentality, make commitments that feel exciting, and allow yourself the time to reflect and change course along the way.

5. Have compassion for yourself if you take a step backward, or if you’re struggling.
One of the pesky traits of perfectionism is beating ourselves up when we make a mistake or veer off course. If your best friend was going through a slump, a period of struggle, or seemingly took a step backwards from her ideals — how would you treat her? Probably with lots of compassion, encouraging words and love. Treat yourself the same way. Acknowledge that having perfectionist tendencies can make you hard on yourself, have compassion for that, and encourage yourself the way you would encourage a friend.

6. Learn to relax and embrace uncertainty.
Most people with perfectionist tendencies have trouble relaxing. There’s always something more you could be doing, another goal to be attained, something that can be fixed. Taking time to just relax and not work toward a goal can be exactly what you need to enjoy your life as it is now. Realize that no matter how hard you work or how much you analyze and control your life, things can always turn out totally different from what you anticipated. Giving yourself some time to really relax and enjoy life will only make you more productive when you do revisit your goals. So just do your best today, honor yourself for that, and then truly chill out! The serenity prayer helps: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

7. Get support!
Having a friend, mentor, coach, therapist or other sounding board can help you laugh and have fun with your inner perfectionist. When you’re feeling “not good enough” — tell someone! Out yourself. Just saying it out loud to someone else can relieve some of the pressure, help you let go, and make you realize you’re not alone in this wild, crazy, beautiful journey of life.

Jenny Sansouci, a graduate of the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, writes about nutrition, health and personal development.

Photo credit: Liza

Radical Self-Love

For much of my life, my identity was wrapped up in achieving (more accurately, overachieving) and caring for others. Though neither professional success nor the genuine desire to help others are bad, “Am I enough?” kept popping up. Just me. Not the me who cares for people or the me with a killer C.V., but rather some core part of me that exists at a deeper level than these things I do. What about when I am just being?

My journey from “I am not enough” to radical self-love took me on a solo backpacking adventure through Europe. What better way to practice trusting in my enough-ness than to spend three months exploring my inner landscape (while taking in some beautiful external landscapes)? As I prepared for this trip with intentionality, the old voices fought back: “You’re being too self-indulgent.” “You should be more dedicated to your career.” “You could be doing countless more “productive’ things.” I also feared the amount of time I would spend in solitude: “What if I am unbearably lonely?”

Challenging these voices and setting out alone took courage and an adventurous spirit, as it was no small feat for this recovering overachiever to leave North America without knowing the route she would travel or where she would hang her hat each night. It also took copious amounts of self-love.

Self-love led me to an incredible vista in Cinque Terre National Park, trusting my intuition’s suggestion to finish a hike alone, rather than with some fellow hostellers. Gazing at the Mediterranean, I realized that this moment was no less beautiful for not having someone by my side. I could celebrate and witness it for myself.

Self-love challenged my worship of doing and allowed me to rest in countless funky cafés and gorgeous parks. As I became more self-assured, the old voices needed to find new guises: “Why don’t you study a language or seek meaningful volunteer work?” “Now that you’re in (name of European city), you’ll need a highly detailed agenda.” “You’ll be returning home soon and you haven’t figured out your entire life’s path/attained spiritual enlightenment.” Acknowledging those voices as patterns that no longer served me, I smiled and wished them farewell.

Taking language classes or volunteering would have made my trip more familiar; however, the purpose of this journey was not to be at the top of my beginner Italian class. Nothing needed to be done “when in Rome,” except remain present in each moment and trust it was enough. My journey took me from actions of self-care to a rooted foundation of self-love, a belief system in which I am worthy of the same love that I extend to others. Actions of self-care are nothing but items on yet another “to do” list until prompted by a genuine belief in one’s worthiness of their pursuit.

Before leaving Canada, I wrote myself a letter for each week of travel, reminders of my intentions for solo traveller Liz. It seemed fitting to end the trip in a similar fashion, and so I spent a good part of my final day writing a love letter:

“I am writing to you from a pretentious Parisian café. Life won’t always feel this beautiful and effortless. The joy that is bubbling over within my spirit will at times seem silent. I’m writing to you to tell you about me, and remind you that the me I am today is within you. Remember me, eyes spilling with tears of joy and pride, beaming, overflowing.”

Each day since my return has not felt as effortless as that day. However, my experience of myself while travelling is equally true: empowered, intuitive, self-loving and present. Life invites us to live fully, lovingly, courageously, no matter what our surroundings. I’m inviting you into the spirit of this journey, to remain in the present wherever life leads you next. How will you live fully and with self-love today?

Elizabeth (Liz) Mitchell is a music therapist who works with adolescents with mental health issues in Waterloo, Ontario, Canada. Curious about the links between musical potential and human potential, she is also a voice and piano educator, and a clinical supervisor and part-time instructor at Wilfrid Laurier University.

Photo credit: la citta vitta

Finding My Authentic Self

I remember going to my parents’ house with a black and blue mark on my arm. As soon as my dad saw it he said, “What is this?” My response was, “Oh, my bike was leaning against the wall in my apartment and it fell on me.”

He said, “Well, it looks like a hand mark.” I just denied it, but in reality my dad was right. My boyfriend at the time had grabbed my arm in a disagreement and pushed me against the wall. During our relationship, I had bruises on my arms and legs (not from being hit but from being pushed around). I had been pushed out of a car, talked down upon and manipulated into doing things that went against my core beliefs and values. The relationship ended when I found out he had other relationships besides ours.

For the longest time I blamed myself for what happened to me. How could I allow someone to hurt me like that? What was wrong with me?

However, that experience also encouraged me to commit to working on myself. I was blessed that I had a friend to mentor me and take me under his wing. He gave me nothing but unconditional love, listened without judgments and helped me to see not only my greatest potential, but my authentic self.

After a few years of working with my mentor I finally understood why I allowed myself to be in such an abusive relationship. It was so easy for others on the outside to see the dangers, but it wasn’t until I got out of the situation and started working on myself and loving myself that everything started to make sense to me.

I wanted to please my ex so much and wanted our relationship to work so badly that I became someone else. I thought that if I couldn’t make this relationship work then I was a failure. In reality I wasn’t a failure; I simply wasn’t living authentically. I wasn’t being me. I also didn’t feel that I was worthy of being in a loving relationship and deep down I didn’t respect myself. It was a limiting belief that I needed to release.

Today, I am in love with life, and I know exactly what I want. Being in an abusive relationship made me a stronger person, and now I can give you the tools that have helped me rise above my circumstances. I learned that it’s all in your mindset. When you think negatively and don’t think highly of yourself, it trickles down to every aspect of your life including attracting toxic relationships that don’t serve you.

Here are a few simple and effective steps for building your self-respect, confidence, self-esteem and motivation. As you build these qualities within yourself, you will also cultivate the strength to let go of any abusive or toxic relationships.

Forgive.

I blamed myself for not being good enough. I thought if I tried harder to be the best girlfriend, he would stop abusing me. The more I tried the worse it got. My mentor had me say an affirmation that really helped me move on. “I release the past, it is complete, and I am free.” I wrote this on a piece of paper and put it above my toilet so I would read it everyday until I believed what I was reading. I had to forgive myself for choosing this relationship and then let go of the past.

I also had to forgive my ex. When he would abuse me it really meant that he was abusing himself. I can now imagine putting up a mirror in front of him while he was belittling me or even pushing me around. This is how he felt about himself. He didn’t have self-confidence either, and we were reflecting each other. I forgave him for not knowing any better and prayed that he find the confidence in himself to be the best person he can be.

Get rid of any attachments.

During the time we were dating I had accumulated pictures, gifts, cards and even furniture from my ex. It was important to get rid of these items because then it meant that I was not holding onto the energy of our relationship. First, I gathered all of the papers, cards and pictures that I had and burned them. I then took those ashes and threw them into the water. To me this symbolized erasing any negative energy from our relationship. Secondly, I donated the furniture, clothes and other items that I didn’t want to burn. After I let go of these objects, my apartment and my whole being felt lighter.

Surround yourself with positive uplifting people.

I once saw a video with Marshall Sylver where he said, “You are the average of the five people you hang out with the most.” I have never forgotten that quote. In fact I have it in my bathroom along with other quotes. He was so right.

I was hanging out with so many negative people (including my ex) that I started to think the way they thought. So I crowded the negative people out by bringing in a bunch of positive and uplifting people. Guess what? These people liked me! They didn’t treat me or view me negatively the way my ex did.

Love yourself unconditionally.

I saved the most important step for last. Give yourself unconditional love! Can you look at yourself in the mirror and say “I love you”? For the longest time I couldn’t do this. I always criticized myself.

When I took a step back and realized that this was not serving me, I decided to start loving myself. I did this by following my intuition, which is always right; rewarding myself when I accomplished something; nurturing my mind, body and soul with whole foods; being in gratitude and living each day with grace and ease.

Michelle Perrone is a lifestyle, health and fitness coach. She empowers her clients to ignite their inner and outer sexy by finding their personal power, healthy eating and fitness, and uncovering their hidden passions.

Become a Spirit Junkie

For 20 years I kept a journal. I wrote about heartbreak, anxiety and eating disorders. I wrote about trying to quit drugs while high on drugs. Pages and pages are filled with self-loathing and self-doubt. My journal was my only outlet from the turmoil and deep-rooted pain I felt every day. I’d release my fears onto the page and get honest about my sadness as I scribbled over my tears.

Today, my journal entries are much different. They reflect an empowered woman who is happy and bleeds authenticity. The words on the page are tinged with pride and compassion. I’ve overcome my addictions to love, drugs, food, work and fear. I worked hard, and man, was it worth it. My journal shows a deep desire to continue growing from the inside out.

My primary guide on my journey to self-love has been the metaphysical text “A Course in Miracles.” The Course is a self-study curriculum emphasizing practical applications for relinquishing fear in all areas of life. The Course’s unique thought system uses forgiveness as the road to inner peace and happiness.

Admittedly, when I first began reading The Course, the language and many of the concepts were extremely foreign to me. But, ultimately, I realized that getting bogged down in semantics was a silly distraction. What really mattered was how relevant The Course’s teachings were to my life, and my absolute willingness to be guided to change.

It was with that burning desire for change that I set out to purchase The Course. Upon entering the bookstore, I noticed the dark blue hardback with the title “A Course in Miracles” scrawled in illuminating gold print across the cover. I found the thickness of the volume inviting and reassuring, and as I grabbed the book off the shelf I smiled as if I had received a wink from the Universe. Then the most auspicious thing happened — the book seemed to drag me to the counter. It felt strange and yet oddly comforting. Intuitively, I knew I was in for something good.

Afterward, as I stood on a busy New York City street corner, I flipped the book open to its introduction and read, “This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take is voluntary. The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance.” This passage sent chills down my spine. In that moment, I made a commitment to myself to become a student and a teacher of The Course — a sacred contract that would change my life.

One year later, I went to a lecture by the renowned spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson, who first introduced me to The Course. Afterward, I asked her advice on how I could spread The Course’s message to my generation. She said, “Read the text, do the workbook and study the ‘Manual for Teachers.’ Then get on your knees and ask God how you should share this work with your generation.” I did just that.

Through reading the text, I was guided to understand The Course’s mission. Simply and succinctly, The Course states that “its goal for you is happiness and peace.” The text also gave me a deep understanding of the basis for my fear and guilt, and how I could overcome them. Finally, it taught me the meaning of “the miracle,” which is the shift in perception from fear to love.

Then I embarked on the “Workbook for Students,” which consists of an exercise for each day of the year. The workbook guided me to know a relationship with what I call my ~ing, an inner guide. This relationship with my ~ing became my primary tool for restoring my mind. When I was ready, I began to practice the “Manual for Teachers.” This section of The Course prepared me to share its lessons in a way that was authentic to me. My dedication blasted me open to reconnect with my true inner spirit, which is love.

The Course teaches that each time we shift our perception from fear to love, we create a miracle. Your internal shifts enhance your external experiences and all your relationships. Serenity kicks in, fear subsides and, once and for all, you’ll know that all the love you need is inside you.

Sounds like I’ve got the keys to heaven, doesn’t it? That’s right, I do! And I can testify to these tools because I work them like a full-time job. The Course suggests that to teach is to learn, so I’m here to guide and inspire others to turn inward for happiness. If you’re looking for direction and guidance on your own spiritual journey, I’m here to help!

I’ve just launched my new book, “Spirit Junkie: A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles.” With this book, I can act as a container for you to take right actions to grow a spiritual relationship of your own understanding. Trust, breathe, be willing and show up for the suggestions along the way. Even if fear has you in a headlock, I’m here to remind you that happiness always wins. You too can be a Spirit Junkie!

For more information on how to optimize your life, visit gabbyb.tv

How I Finally Learned to Be My Own Best Friend

Kris Carr has taught us a lot about “being your own best friend,” but the concept didn’t click for me until I gave birth to my first child. On that day, I was faced with an experience so intense and immediate that there was nothing to do other than face it. I had to be my own cheerleader so that I didn’t crawl under the bed or dissolve into tears of frustration and fear. Now that I’ve experienced the power of self-motivation and self-comfort, I look within for support (and tough love) for the big and little challenges in life.

I like to be prepared. As soon as I saw those two pink lines, I started reading books, scouring websites, and talking to mothers about pregnancy and childbirth. To be honest, my research had begun months earlier. Everyone told me that I couldn’t fully prepare for childbirth, but I tried my best to prove them wrong. My husband and I took a 12-week Bradley Method childbirth class and we discussed every possible scenario that could occur on the big day. We considered home birth, birthing centers, and the hospital. Once we decided to deliver with a midwife in a hospital setting, we took a tour and wrote our birth plan. I did everything I could to prepare, but when my water broke at 4 a.m. on a Monday morning, my plans started to crumble.

I had envisioned a 100 percent natural birth without an IV or continuous monitoring. Since I was GBS+ and my water had broken without triggering contractions, those two hopes fell apart as soon as we arrived at the hospital. Did I mention that I have a phobia of needles? I also had a fear of hospitals and was convinced that everyone would push pain medication and other interventions on me. Even though I trusted the midwives to support my wishes as much as possible, I was on the defensive with everyone in scrubs as soon as I stepped foot inside the hospital. I had been told that Pitocin was a one-way ticket to an epidural, and here I was getting hooked up to that very drug. I had wanted the option of taking a shower to cope with the pain, but the monitor that would give me that option was broken. Again and again, my “dream” childbirth experience was dismantled.

I was admitted to Labor and Delivery with this laundry list of fears and judgments sitting on my shoulders. As I sat in the room where my baby would be born, I accepted the reality of that moment—I was healthy, the baby was healthy, my husband was by my side, and we would get through this. I affirmed this new belief out loud. I told my husband that, “I am forgetting about what I wanted and working with what is on the table.” I had to let my birth plan go and trust my team if I was going to have a positive birth experience. So, just like that, I did.

Instead of falling apart because of the beeping machines, the irritating IV in my arm and the monitors strapped to my belly, I cheered myself on. I told myself to concentrate on working through one minute at a time and to focus on what I could control. I told myself that I could still give birth without pain medication, I could still take comfort in the amazing support and love of my husband, I could keep the lights dim and listen to my favorite music, and I could embrace the kindness and knowledge of my midwife, nurse, and doula. I had never been so kind to myself or more present.

The inner cheering, encouragement, and kindness continued as my contractions intensified, then during two hours of pushing, and finally through the many weeks of recovery. Not only was I opening my heart and learning to care for my new baby girl, I was also doing the same for myself. If I had shut down because my plans were derailed or because I didn’t believe I could get through the pain and exhaustion, I would have been cheating myself out of learning about self-preservation. Birth wasn’t just about bringing a child into the world; it was also about bringing a new, wiser, stronger me into the world. And since the challenges of motherhood had just begun in the delivery room, I look forward to becoming more of a best friend to myself with each passing day.

Corinne Bowen is a freelance writer and happy vegan, living in a cozy Baltimore rowhouse with her husband, baby girl and two rescue cats.