Finding My Authentic Self

I remember going to my parents’ house with a black and blue mark on my arm. As soon as my dad saw it he said, “What is this?” My response was, “Oh, my bike was leaning against the wall in my apartment and it fell on me.”

He said, “Well, it looks like a hand mark.” I just denied it, but in reality my dad was right. My boyfriend at the time had grabbed my arm in a disagreement and pushed me against the wall. During our relationship, I had bruises on my arms and legs (not from being hit but from being pushed around). I had been pushed out of a car, talked down upon and manipulated into doing things that went against my core beliefs and values. The relationship ended when I found out he had other relationships besides ours.

For the longest time I blamed myself for what happened to me. How could I allow someone to hurt me like that? What was wrong with me?

However, that experience also encouraged me to commit to working on myself. I was blessed that I had a friend to mentor me and take me under his wing. He gave me nothing but unconditional love, listened without judgments and helped me to see not only my greatest potential, but my authentic self.

After a few years of working with my mentor I finally understood why I allowed myself to be in such an abusive relationship. It was so easy for others on the outside to see the dangers, but it wasn’t until I got out of the situation and started working on myself and loving myself that everything started to make sense to me.

I wanted to please my ex so much and wanted our relationship to work so badly that I became someone else. I thought that if I couldn’t make this relationship work then I was a failure. In reality I wasn’t a failure; I simply wasn’t living authentically. I wasn’t being me. I also didn’t feel that I was worthy of being in a loving relationship and deep down I didn’t respect myself. It was a limiting belief that I needed to release.

Today, I am in love with life, and I know exactly what I want. Being in an abusive relationship made me a stronger person, and now I can give you the tools that have helped me rise above my circumstances. I learned that it’s all in your mindset. When you think negatively and don’t think highly of yourself, it trickles down to every aspect of your life including attracting toxic relationships that don’t serve you.

Here are a few simple and effective steps for building your self-respect, confidence, self-esteem and motivation. As you build these qualities within yourself, you will also cultivate the strength to let go of any abusive or toxic relationships.

Forgive.

I blamed myself for not being good enough. I thought if I tried harder to be the best girlfriend, he would stop abusing me. The more I tried the worse it got. My mentor had me say an affirmation that really helped me move on. “I release the past, it is complete, and I am free.” I wrote this on a piece of paper and put it above my toilet so I would read it everyday until I believed what I was reading. I had to forgive myself for choosing this relationship and then let go of the past.

I also had to forgive my ex. When he would abuse me it really meant that he was abusing himself. I can now imagine putting up a mirror in front of him while he was belittling me or even pushing me around. This is how he felt about himself. He didn’t have self-confidence either, and we were reflecting each other. I forgave him for not knowing any better and prayed that he find the confidence in himself to be the best person he can be.

Get rid of any attachments.

During the time we were dating I had accumulated pictures, gifts, cards and even furniture from my ex. It was important to get rid of these items because then it meant that I was not holding onto the energy of our relationship. First, I gathered all of the papers, cards and pictures that I had and burned them. I then took those ashes and threw them into the water. To me this symbolized erasing any negative energy from our relationship. Secondly, I donated the furniture, clothes and other items that I didn’t want to burn. After I let go of these objects, my apartment and my whole being felt lighter.

Surround yourself with positive uplifting people.

I once saw a video with Marshall Sylver where he said, “You are the average of the five people you hang out with the most.” I have never forgotten that quote. In fact I have it in my bathroom along with other quotes. He was so right.

I was hanging out with so many negative people (including my ex) that I started to think the way they thought. So I crowded the negative people out by bringing in a bunch of positive and uplifting people. Guess what? These people liked me! They didn’t treat me or view me negatively the way my ex did.

Love yourself unconditionally.

I saved the most important step for last. Give yourself unconditional love! Can you look at yourself in the mirror and say “I love you”? For the longest time I couldn’t do this. I always criticized myself.

When I took a step back and realized that this was not serving me, I decided to start loving myself. I did this by following my intuition, which is always right; rewarding myself when I accomplished something; nurturing my mind, body and soul with whole foods; being in gratitude and living each day with grace and ease.

Michelle Perrone is a lifestyle, health and fitness coach. She empowers her clients to ignite their inner and outer sexy by finding their personal power, healthy eating and fitness, and uncovering their hidden passions.

Become a Spirit Junkie

For 20 years I kept a journal. I wrote about heartbreak, anxiety and eating disorders. I wrote about trying to quit drugs while high on drugs. Pages and pages are filled with self-loathing and self-doubt. My journal was my only outlet from the turmoil and deep-rooted pain I felt every day. I’d release my fears onto the page and get honest about my sadness as I scribbled over my tears.

Today, my journal entries are much different. They reflect an empowered woman who is happy and bleeds authenticity. The words on the page are tinged with pride and compassion. I’ve overcome my addictions to love, drugs, food, work and fear. I worked hard, and man, was it worth it. My journal shows a deep desire to continue growing from the inside out.

My primary guide on my journey to self-love has been the metaphysical text “A Course in Miracles.” The Course is a self-study curriculum emphasizing practical applications for relinquishing fear in all areas of life. The Course’s unique thought system uses forgiveness as the road to inner peace and happiness.

Admittedly, when I first began reading The Course, the language and many of the concepts were extremely foreign to me. But, ultimately, I realized that getting bogged down in semantics was a silly distraction. What really mattered was how relevant The Course’s teachings were to my life, and my absolute willingness to be guided to change.

It was with that burning desire for change that I set out to purchase The Course. Upon entering the bookstore, I noticed the dark blue hardback with the title “A Course in Miracles” scrawled in illuminating gold print across the cover. I found the thickness of the volume inviting and reassuring, and as I grabbed the book off the shelf I smiled as if I had received a wink from the Universe. Then the most auspicious thing happened — the book seemed to drag me to the counter. It felt strange and yet oddly comforting. Intuitively, I knew I was in for something good.

Afterward, as I stood on a busy New York City street corner, I flipped the book open to its introduction and read, “This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take is voluntary. The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance.” This passage sent chills down my spine. In that moment, I made a commitment to myself to become a student and a teacher of The Course — a sacred contract that would change my life.

One year later, I went to a lecture by the renowned spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson, who first introduced me to The Course. Afterward, I asked her advice on how I could spread The Course’s message to my generation. She said, “Read the text, do the workbook and study the ‘Manual for Teachers.’ Then get on your knees and ask God how you should share this work with your generation.” I did just that.

Through reading the text, I was guided to understand The Course’s mission. Simply and succinctly, The Course states that “its goal for you is happiness and peace.” The text also gave me a deep understanding of the basis for my fear and guilt, and how I could overcome them. Finally, it taught me the meaning of “the miracle,” which is the shift in perception from fear to love.

Then I embarked on the “Workbook for Students,” which consists of an exercise for each day of the year. The workbook guided me to know a relationship with what I call my ~ing, an inner guide. This relationship with my ~ing became my primary tool for restoring my mind. When I was ready, I began to practice the “Manual for Teachers.” This section of The Course prepared me to share its lessons in a way that was authentic to me. My dedication blasted me open to reconnect with my true inner spirit, which is love.

The Course teaches that each time we shift our perception from fear to love, we create a miracle. Your internal shifts enhance your external experiences and all your relationships. Serenity kicks in, fear subsides and, once and for all, you’ll know that all the love you need is inside you.

Sounds like I’ve got the keys to heaven, doesn’t it? That’s right, I do! And I can testify to these tools because I work them like a full-time job. The Course suggests that to teach is to learn, so I’m here to guide and inspire others to turn inward for happiness. If you’re looking for direction and guidance on your own spiritual journey, I’m here to help!

I’ve just launched my new book, “Spirit Junkie: A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles.” With this book, I can act as a container for you to take right actions to grow a spiritual relationship of your own understanding. Trust, breathe, be willing and show up for the suggestions along the way. Even if fear has you in a headlock, I’m here to remind you that happiness always wins. You too can be a Spirit Junkie!

For more information on how to optimize your life, visit gabbyb.tv

How I Finally Learned to Be My Own Best Friend

Kris Carr has taught us a lot about “being your own best friend,” but the concept didn’t click for me until I gave birth to my first child. On that day, I was faced with an experience so intense and immediate that there was nothing to do other than face it. I had to be my own cheerleader so that I didn’t crawl under the bed or dissolve into tears of frustration and fear. Now that I’ve experienced the power of self-motivation and self-comfort, I look within for support (and tough love) for the big and little challenges in life.

I like to be prepared. As soon as I saw those two pink lines, I started reading books, scouring websites, and talking to mothers about pregnancy and childbirth. To be honest, my research had begun months earlier. Everyone told me that I couldn’t fully prepare for childbirth, but I tried my best to prove them wrong. My husband and I took a 12-week Bradley Method childbirth class and we discussed every possible scenario that could occur on the big day. We considered home birth, birthing centers, and the hospital. Once we decided to deliver with a midwife in a hospital setting, we took a tour and wrote our birth plan. I did everything I could to prepare, but when my water broke at 4 a.m. on a Monday morning, my plans started to crumble.

I had envisioned a 100 percent natural birth without an IV or continuous monitoring. Since I was GBS+ and my water had broken without triggering contractions, those two hopes fell apart as soon as we arrived at the hospital. Did I mention that I have a phobia of needles? I also had a fear of hospitals and was convinced that everyone would push pain medication and other interventions on me. Even though I trusted the midwives to support my wishes as much as possible, I was on the defensive with everyone in scrubs as soon as I stepped foot inside the hospital. I had been told that Pitocin was a one-way ticket to an epidural, and here I was getting hooked up to that very drug. I had wanted the option of taking a shower to cope with the pain, but the monitor that would give me that option was broken. Again and again, my “dream” childbirth experience was dismantled.

I was admitted to Labor and Delivery with this laundry list of fears and judgments sitting on my shoulders. As I sat in the room where my baby would be born, I accepted the reality of that moment—I was healthy, the baby was healthy, my husband was by my side, and we would get through this. I affirmed this new belief out loud. I told my husband that, “I am forgetting about what I wanted and working with what is on the table.” I had to let my birth plan go and trust my team if I was going to have a positive birth experience. So, just like that, I did.

Instead of falling apart because of the beeping machines, the irritating IV in my arm and the monitors strapped to my belly, I cheered myself on. I told myself to concentrate on working through one minute at a time and to focus on what I could control. I told myself that I could still give birth without pain medication, I could still take comfort in the amazing support and love of my husband, I could keep the lights dim and listen to my favorite music, and I could embrace the kindness and knowledge of my midwife, nurse, and doula. I had never been so kind to myself or more present.

The inner cheering, encouragement, and kindness continued as my contractions intensified, then during two hours of pushing, and finally through the many weeks of recovery. Not only was I opening my heart and learning to care for my new baby girl, I was also doing the same for myself. If I had shut down because my plans were derailed or because I didn’t believe I could get through the pain and exhaustion, I would have been cheating myself out of learning about self-preservation. Birth wasn’t just about bringing a child into the world; it was also about bringing a new, wiser, stronger me into the world. And since the challenges of motherhood had just begun in the delivery room, I look forward to becoming more of a best friend to myself with each passing day.

Corinne Bowen is a freelance writer and happy vegan, living in a cozy Baltimore rowhouse with her husband, baby girl and two rescue cats.

How to Choose Health (Especially When You Don’t Feel Like It)

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: I don’t always feel like getting on my yoga mat. Or making dinner. Or shaking it at the gym. Or … well, I think you get my point. Sometimes I am too busy, or don’t feel well or just darn don’t feel like it.

You see, I spent a long time dieting. I know a lot of people say that, but sometimes it’s hard to know exactly what I mean by that, so I’ll just spell it out. I’ve been on 65 diets in my life. (Yep, you read that right.)

As I slowly learned to check in with my body and eat intuitively, I often found myself rebelling against anything I deemed “healthy.” A lifetime of always following outside rules about how/what to eat, exercise, etc., had left me feeling more than a little jaded.

Regardless of our history, many of us share that experience of not knowing exactly when and how to listen to our bodies. When these feelings and situations come up for me, I often feel frustrated. My instinct is to be hard on myself. “Why didn’t I schedule myself better?” “Why don’t I just force myself to do it?” I continued in this pattern of mental berating for many years. Despite trying to “motivate” myself in this way, I always got the same surprising result:

Nada.

It turns out that making myself feel bad isn’t the ticket to living the life I want. (I’m sure you’re as shocked as I am!)

Now, reading it written like that, it seems so obvious: of course making myself feel bad isn’t a good idea! But, in the moment, that can be hard to remember. So here are some tools for your health-choosing toolbox (especially when you don’t feel like it):

1. Listen to your body: Some days that we’re down on ourselves for being lazy are actually days that our bodies are trying to give us legit messages, like that what we really need right now is rest or that instead of hittin’ the gym, we’d prefer a walk outside. The more we get in the habit of listening to these messages, the more we can discern what best meets our body’s need in any given moment.

2. Show yourself some love: When I think about hopping on my yoga mat or firing up my juicer as a way to show myself some lovin’, I’m way more likely to do it. I find this to be especially true when I’m engaging in something that feels good: a delicious restorative yoga pose or eating the perfect seasonal fruit.

3. Do it because: Instead of riding the “should” train – you “should” do this, you “should” do that – think of reasons you want to take your dog for a walk, cook up some veggies for dinner, or sit for even five minutes of meditation. I don’t know about you, but I always find positivity way more motivating than guilt.

4. Take a break: If I get going too far down the self-shaming route, it’s hard to come back. It can spiral out for hours or even days. Instead of getting into that trap, try sidestepping it by doing something else entirely (preferably something you love!).

5. Celebrate: Regardless of your shape, size, flexibility, athleticism, etc., you’re doing your best to live life on your own terms. And that’s always worth celebrating!

The next time you feel like the last thing you want to do is something “healthy,” try one of these tips to tune into yourself and give yourself the shout out you deserve!

Anna Guest-Jelley is the founder of Curvy Yoga, which is all about lovin’ the body you have today.  Through Curvy Yoga, she offers yoga designed to fit the bodies of people of all shapes, sizes and abilities as well as messages of body positivity and meeting yourself where you are – both on and off the mat.

Photo credit: DonnaGrayson

What a Supermodel Taught Me About Comparing Yourself to Others

by Nicole Burley, M.Ed

A few months ago, I walked in to my yoga class and discovered that the woman on the mat next to me was a famous lingerie supermodel.

Gulp.

I knew her at once. She was one of those models who was so exotic and desirable that I actually knew her by name, not just by face. I had seen her on billboards all over Manhattan, pouting at me in her underwear, spilling out of her lingerie with her impossibly curvy, yet skinny, yet perky, yet sexy, tan and toned body parts.

In contrast, I was feeling thick and bloated that day. Also pasty. It was laundry day, so I was wearing the scraps of my yoga wardrobe, and I hadn’t been to class in a few days, so I was feeling stiff and hinky. I think I can say to you in all honesty that the last thing I needed was a supermodel right next to me in my yoga class that day.

But, hey, that’s where she was. And, besides, aren’t I supposed to be focused on my own experience in yoga class? Aren’t I supposed to keep my mind on my own mat? That’s what I told myself as the class began and we all closed our eyes to “om.”

My focus was short-lived. With every Downward-facing Dog, I tried to sneak a peek at her. Each time I arrived at the top of my mat, my eyes drifted over to the world-renowned sex symbol to my right. What was she doing? How did she look doing it? Was she really that gorgeous? Really that perfect?

And what about me? How did I measure up compared to this icon of sex appeal and beauty? Was my hair as shiny? Did I look as sultry? Was she better than me at yoga?

Then, all too easily, I got a little mean. Up close, she’s not that stunning, I thought to myself. In person, she’s just average. They must do a lot with lights and make-up. She has really long arms. And her toes are weird.

In essence, using solely the voice inside my head, I managed to knock both of us down several notches. I guess, on some level, I thought this exercise would make me feel better. It seems like a ridiculous strategy now, of course. When was the last time you actually felt better about yourself after dwelling on your perceived shortcomings and sending snarky energy to a total stranger?

When the class was over, the joy I usually felt after yoga had been replaced with a deep feeling of crumminess. Not only had I paid no attention to my yoga practice, but I had spent a full hour mentally disparaging myself and my perfectly lovely supermodel classmate. She probably had no idea of the trip I’d been on because of her presence, but I was exhausted and depleted. And for what?

Here’s what. When you compare your body to other women’s bodies, or if you compare your accomplishments, your home, your bank account – any of it – to any other person in the world, one of two things usually happens:

1. You end up feeling low and inadequate and really bad about yourself.

2. You end up mentally rendering someone else low and inadequate, which, in turn, makes you feel low and inadequate and really bad about yourself.

Neither of these options seems like a winner to me. The fact is, the only person worth comparing yourself to, is the very best version of you.

So what might we do instead?

The next time you feel the urge to beat up on yourself for not looking more like so-and-so, or for not having a life that’s more like so-and-so, I invite you to stop. Take a breath. And then, with a humongous dose of compassion, consider one or more of the strategies listed below.

Strategies for Letting Go of Comparisons

1. Think back to the last time you did something really funny, loving, important or amazing. Remember how you felt about yourself and bring that feeling with you absolutely everywhere you go.

2. Keep a mental list of all the things you are, rather than all the things you are not. Remind yourself often!

3. Reflect on your personal story, your unique journey in the world, and all the things you’ve been through to arrive exactly where you are today.

4. List all the ways that the person you are right now, in this moment, will help you achieve your goals and arrive where you want to be in your life.

5. Look at the person to whom you are comparing yourself and realize that she is simply another person on the planet with you, doing the best she can.

To your happiness, health and success!

Nicole Burley, M.Ed is a life coach living in NYC with her husband and their amazing dachshund. She believes in having down-to-earth conversations to upgrade your life and your health. She is passionate about supporting her clients as they create an Ideal Life – whatever that means to them.

Photo credit: Rodrigo Quinones