By Kate Northrup on February 14, 2011
I have a tremendous need to get results out of anything I do. I started a pranayama practice in October as part of my yoga teacher training. I couldn’t seem to stick with it on a daily basis (which was a course requirement) because I didn’t feel like I was getting anywhere. Where exactly would I like to be getting? Self-improvement can become an addiction I think. It’s hard for me to justify doing something unless I think I’m going to somehow become a better person by doing it.
So many self-help books, programs and seminars prey upon the fact that we inherently disapprove of ourselves. If I’m into self-improvement work, I must feel like there’s something to be improved upon in me. I must feel that I am fundamentally flawed and that I need some spackling and sheetrock in order to rectify the situation. Yep, I would say that’s accurate. On the other hand, rather ironically, I’ve learned at Mama Gena’s School of Womanly Arts, at Sacred Center New York, from Louise Hay and from other teachers, that the key to solving practically any problem is loving myself.
So how am I supposed to love myself while still being obsessed with self-improvement? Are self-love and self-improvement mutually exclusive? I dunno. This one is going to require some unpacking. I once heard that you can’t hate yourself enough to feel better. It turns out that self-loathing isn’t a direct path to happiness. Wayne Dyer says, “There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.” It is the ultimate frustrating irony that I can’t disapprove of my stomach enough to make it flat and I can’t criticize my fine hair enough to make it thicker.
Our culture has taught us that the best way to get what we want is to push up against what we don’t want. We’re taught to fight for everything. We fight cancer, heart disease and AIDS. We raise money for the fight. We walk for the fight. We run for the fight. And when we’re trained and raised as fighters, we’re guaranteed to find something to fight against. I’m always surprised by the words chosen by organizations that fundamentally desire peace and health. Rather than choose words that are energetically aligned with their ultimate goal, they are stuck energizing the problem. We raise money to fight against things rather than raising money to promote our desired outcomes: peace, love, happiness, joy and health.
It’s no different in my own life. My desire is to be happy and free, and to feel loved and to love. My desire is for peace of mind. And yet at times I operate under the erroneous belief that the best way to get there is to pick myself apart. I have a wrinkle between my eyebrows that makes me look old; I said the wrong thing to that guy and now I’ll be alone my whole life; I’m a failure at life because I have some credit card debt; I’m a loser because sometimes I don’t get out of bed until 10 a.m.
Oh, I could go on, but I wouldn’t want to bore you. Plus, I’d rather you fill in the blanks with your favorite self-loathing statements. Air them out. If you articulate the negative, repetitive thoughts in your mind out loud, they actually may sound ridiculous. Get a sense of humor about the whole thing. See if you can love yourself for how mean and disapproving you can be. If you can’t, see if you can love yourself for not being able to love yourself or for disapproving of yourself.
When I get really, really upset, I usually call my mom. I’ve been trying to train myself out of that habit to make sure I have some other tried and true coping mechanisms, but she really often does know just the right thing to say. When I’m beating myself up for doing something wrong, she asks me if I can love myself for that behavior. And I get annoyed and then she asks me if I can love myself for that feeling. She urges me to find a glimmer – just one tiny sparkle – of self-love in that moment. Generally, if I dig deep enough, somewhere in my mascara-stained, snotty-nosed stupor, there’s a little bit of love. And then I can find myself adorable for the whole thing, at least a little bit.
I am the self-improvement queen. At my relatively young age, I have read the vast majority of the self-help section of Barnes and Noble and have taken countless seminars and courses. I once told some friends that I was “getting a Ph.D. in me.” Sound self-centered? Perhaps, but I do believe that by being the best people we can possibly be, we’re able to make the world the best place it can possibly be. I will never tell anyone to stop doing self-improvement work. I do it like it’s my job (which it sort of is), and I would recommend it to anyone.
But, what I will recommend is to come at it from a place of knowing that you’re perfect exactly as you are right now . See if you can open that book on how to find your soul mate while loving yourself and knowing that you’re great. Throw yourself an “I rock” party before you take your next weekend seminar on overcoming fear and playing full out. Put your attention on what you want (love, happiness, joy, self-acceptance and/or peace of mind) and then, and only then, get out the sandpaper and spackle and begin to buff up yourself. No, I don’t believe self-improvement and self-love are mutually exclusive, but I do think you’ll get a lot further if you love yourself first, right now, exactly as you are. Plus, you’ll have a lot more fun.
Photo credit: priscila_tonon
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By Guest Blogger on August 20, 2010
“Self-care is never a selfish act. Any time we can listen to our true self and give it the care it requires, we do so not only for ourselves but for the many others whose lives we touch.” – Parker Palmer
We all “know” how important “ME time” is. And we recall the wonderful feelings that having some ME time creates – peacefulness, gratefulness, calmness, etc. We all know that flight crews going through the emergency procedures before takeoff always tell us that if the oxygen masks are released, to put on your own mask first before helping small children with whom you may be traveling. Why? If you don’t, you won’t be much help to anyone else. You have to take care of your immediate needs so you can be the one helping people and not the one needing help! As a woman with one husband, two kids, one dog, and three businesses, I often fall prey to not taking time for me until I’ve reached what my husband refers to as the “BDP – Break Down Point.” But when I am careful and thoughtful about scheduling in time for myself on a daily basis, I know I am a better wife, mom, and friend, and a more creative worker.
So, why oh why is it so darn hard to take that time for ourselves? We all need to find ME time or “Self-Care” time every day. The first step is to schedule it. I know you’ve heard this before. But seriously, write it down. Yoga class Monday 12:00-1:00 pm. Run Tuesday 5:30 am. Massage Wednesday 5:00 pm. Drinks with friends Thursday 7:00 pm. Date night with hubby Friday 8:00 pm. Trip to the farmers market Saturday am. Write it down and treat yourself like an appointment.
So what kinds of things could you do daily for ME time? The most important thing is to do something that you enjoy, but also that will allow you to clear your mind and relax. Take a long bubble bath with candles. Go on a hike, read a book with a cup of tea, take a yoga class, or meditate. Do whatever helps you recharge. It is also important to do “bigger things” for yourself on a weekly or monthly basis, such as getting a massage or pedicure or going out to lunch with a friend who is positive and will help you recharge. And don’t forget those big yearly events such as a spa weekend with girlfriends, or weekend away with your partner. It is important to have these special things to look forward to that you do just for yourself.
If you have 5 minutes – put your feet up, close your eyes, and breathe.
If you have 30 minutes – write in your journal, go for a power walk, or take a bath.
If you have an hour – put in a workout DVD or take a yoga class.
If you have an afternoon – go on a two-hour hike or catch a matinee.
If you have a weekend – got on a solo road trip or take a trip to a nearby spa.
Anything that is really important to you should be on your daily schedule and not just on your someday to-do list. Put ME time and self-care on your schedule daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly.
What are some of the ways you schedule in ME time? Join us in the myCSL forum to share ideas.
Jenny Newcomer is a ten-year stage 3C ovarian cancer survivor and is the founder of LobotoME.com, a line of eco-friendly organizational products that helps busy people be healthy and fit, get organized, and stay sane. LobotoME’s weekly planners feature a special section daily for “ME time.” For more information visit her blog.
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By Guest Blogger on May 24, 2010
By Erinn Selkis
To become healthier and live a fuller and more joyful life, it’s helpful to get a clear picture of where you are currently. Just like store maps in malls, we need a “You are here!” point before forging ahead. I encourage you to do this simple exercise to give yourself a broad overview of your health as you perceive it. Once you have a general picture, you can slowly make improvements in one area at a time. Achieving a greater state of health is meant to be fun and invigorating, not overwhelming. So be gentle with yourself! Acknowledge yourself for simply having the mindset to read this and being willing to see where you are.
Life Wheel Exercise
1. On a sheet of paper, draw a circle approximately 4-5 inches wide.
2. Separate the circle into 8 different sections like a pie—a healthy, all-natural one! Draw a horizontal line and a vertical line through the center of the circle. Then draw an X through the center point.
3. Label the sections with the following categories:
-Diet and Hydration
-Physical Activity
-Weight Management/Body Image
-Self Love and Care
-Stress Management
-Unhealthy Habits
-Fun and Recreation
-Meditation/Prayer/Quiet Reflection (whichever one applies best for you)
4. Give each category a number on a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 being “I don’t feel like this is a strength of mine” to 10 being “I am SO great at this!” For example, in the Unhealthy Habits category, 1 means you have a lot of unhealthy habits such as smoking, eating junk food, or not sleeping. Ten means you don’t feel you have any unhealthy habits.
5. Be honest with yourself! No one is judging you, and if you find that you are judging yourself, forgive yourself. The purpose of this exercise isn’t to beat yourself up, but rather to be truthful and take notice of what is.
6. For each category, draw a mark in the respective section representing the number you have chosen. For example, if you chose 5 for Stress Management, place a little mark directly in the middle of the section. If you chose 6 for Fun and Recreation, put a mark a little further out than the mark made for the 5 in the other category.
7. Now draw a line connecting the marks to create a representation of your current balance (or unbalance!). The ultimate goal is for you to feel that you’re balanced and at 9 or ten in all of the categories, resulting in a full, even circle of health. If this is not the case, don’t worry! The whole point is to see where you are in order to support improvements.
8. Pick a category you might like to improve, one that is calling to you in this moment. Think about or write down the reasons you gave yourself the number you did. If you gave yourself a 3 in Self Love and Care, maybe it’s because you talk negatively towards yourself often. Or maybe you chose a 2 for Physical Activity because you rarely get involved in anything active. Write down anything that comes to your mind.
9. Now pick one small thing, something that you know you can absolutely do in the coming week, to support yourself in improving your health in your chosen area. For example, if you find yourself rarely exercising, instead of making a goal to suddenly go running every day, make it a point to take the stairs at work or walk instead of driving. Make this action attainable and easy for you to do. I mean EASY!
10. Incorporate this easy goal into your life in the coming week and weeks thereafter. If you find yourself keeping your goal, acknowledge yourself! If not, that’s okay too. Maybe you want to take an even easier step the next week to ensure that you keep your commitment to yourself. The point isn’t to be hard on yourself and focus negatively on the thing you are doing wrong because there is no wrong! The point is to support yourself in achieving your goals and in becoming a healthier, more vibrant person.
Do this exercise weekly, biweekly or monthly, whatever feels right to you. Keep taking small, new steps toward a healthier you. Allow yourself to truly prize and congratulate yourself for even the smallest of changes. Notice how your circle of health keeps getting larger and larger!
Erinn Selkis has been studying nutrition, psychology and alternative medicine for over 3 years and loves helping others live healthy and happy lives. She is also a self taught raw/vegan chef who has started a raw, vegan, gluten free, organic dessert/snack company called 2Good2beRaw. Erinn loves creating delicious treats that are actually good for you! You can check out her blog.
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