Are You Addicted to Social Media?

Do you refresh Facebook fifteen times an hour to track the likes on your status? It’s likely the answer is yes. In some way or another, many of us have become slightly (or not so slightly) obsessed with the social media feedback loop. While it may seem like a sign of the times, it’s actually just another way we reinforce a desperate need to feel good enough. Social media has offered us a new way to anesthetize a deep-rooted feeling of lack: The more likes we get, the better we feel.

But what happens when the “like” button isn’t pushed or the retweets just don’t happen? Then what? A social media meltdown, maybe? Do you experience an unconscious sense of self-lack, uncertainty about your last post or, worst of all, do you spend the next hour refreshing your page for some semblance of positive reinforcement?

If this resonates with you, trust that you’re not alone. Remember that last scene of “The Social Network”? Even Mark Zuckerberg refreshes his page for feedback.

I too have struggled with the social media feedback loop. Early in my career as an author, speaker and dot-com entrepreneur, it became super clear to me that social media was the most powerful way to carry my message to the masses. I worked up an unhealthy obsession with it: My boyfriend would ban me from posting during dinner, and my mom could only get in touch by tweeting at me. At the time, I didn’t perceive it as an issue. Thousands of folks were liking my fan page and retweeting my posts — it was heaven for my ego.

Then, one afternoon, I noticed myself wasting an hour watching my Twitter feed and Facebook fan page for positive feedback. As a self-help book author and Spirit Junkie, I found this behavior quite alarming. I turned away from the screen and said out loud, “Uh-oh, I’m addicted to social media feedback.”

Rather than beat myself up or deny the reality of my obsession I chose to work toward creating a more balanced relationship with my online status. I’m a big fan of 30-day plans, so I put myself on a social media detox. No, I didn’t shut down my Twitter page or deny my fans. I did quite the opposite. I continued to post as frequently as before, but I made a 30-day commitment to ignore the retweets and seriously lay off the likes. I dedicated a half hour a day to respond to my fans and monitored my Twitter correspondence.

Remember, the issue was not social media. In fact, I love social media and am endlessly grateful for the service it provides. This was an issue of self-esteem and a deep-rooted need to feed my ego through other people’s positive reinforcement. The hours I spent seeking feedback from my fans were hours wasted on a false belief that some number of comments or retweets would make me feel any better than I already did. But when I backed off from this positive feedback loop, I cleared space for self-love and self-soothing. For a month, I meditated and affirmed my sense of self-worth instead of frantically checking my notifications. I deepened my connection to my own inner spirit by putting the kibosh on my social media feedback obsession.

This 30-day practice did me good. A month of daily repetition broke me of the obsessive pattern and enhanced my sense of self-worth. When I no longer cared about responses, I could spend more time focusing on sharing what I honestly felt rather than what I thought might get the most retweets. Ironically, this practice increased my social graph. Without even trying, I grew my fan page by 1,500 members in 30 days and got more impressions on Twitter than I’d ever had before.

Once I placed my social media strategy on sharing great content rather than wowing my audience, I shifted the energy behind my correspondence with my fans. When I was looking for feedback, the energy behind my tweets and posts was needy and manipulative. But when I started tweeting for Twitter’s sake, the energy was clear and released. Energy is in everything — even in your Twitter feed.

If you too are a social media feedback junkie, consider my 30-day practice. Get honest about your behavior, commit to lay off the “refresh” button, and clear space to share honest content rather than some canned comment that you think might get a ton of activity. Enhance your self-worth from the inside out and shine light on the Twittersphere.

For more information on how to optimize your life, visit: gabbyb.tv

Photo credit: Lee Hopkins

What a Supermodel Taught Me About Comparing Yourself to Others

by Nicole Burley, M.Ed

A few months ago, I walked in to my yoga class and discovered that the woman on the mat next to me was a famous lingerie supermodel.

Gulp.

I knew her at once. She was one of those models who was so exotic and desirable that I actually knew her by name, not just by face. I had seen her on billboards all over Manhattan, pouting at me in her underwear, spilling out of her lingerie with her impossibly curvy, yet skinny, yet perky, yet sexy, tan and toned body parts.

In contrast, I was feeling thick and bloated that day. Also pasty. It was laundry day, so I was wearing the scraps of my yoga wardrobe, and I hadn’t been to class in a few days, so I was feeling stiff and hinky. I think I can say to you in all honesty that the last thing I needed was a supermodel right next to me in my yoga class that day.

But, hey, that’s where she was. And, besides, aren’t I supposed to be focused on my own experience in yoga class? Aren’t I supposed to keep my mind on my own mat? That’s what I told myself as the class began and we all closed our eyes to “om.”

My focus was short-lived. With every Downward-facing Dog, I tried to sneak a peek at her. Each time I arrived at the top of my mat, my eyes drifted over to the world-renowned sex symbol to my right. What was she doing? How did she look doing it? Was she really that gorgeous? Really that perfect?

And what about me? How did I measure up compared to this icon of sex appeal and beauty? Was my hair as shiny? Did I look as sultry? Was she better than me at yoga?

Then, all too easily, I got a little mean. Up close, she’s not that stunning, I thought to myself. In person, she’s just average. They must do a lot with lights and make-up. She has really long arms. And her toes are weird.

In essence, using solely the voice inside my head, I managed to knock both of us down several notches. I guess, on some level, I thought this exercise would make me feel better. It seems like a ridiculous strategy now, of course. When was the last time you actually felt better about yourself after dwelling on your perceived shortcomings and sending snarky energy to a total stranger?

When the class was over, the joy I usually felt after yoga had been replaced with a deep feeling of crumminess. Not only had I paid no attention to my yoga practice, but I had spent a full hour mentally disparaging myself and my perfectly lovely supermodel classmate. She probably had no idea of the trip I’d been on because of her presence, but I was exhausted and depleted. And for what?

Here’s what. When you compare your body to other women’s bodies, or if you compare your accomplishments, your home, your bank account – any of it – to any other person in the world, one of two things usually happens:

1. You end up feeling low and inadequate and really bad about yourself.

2. You end up mentally rendering someone else low and inadequate, which, in turn, makes you feel low and inadequate and really bad about yourself.

Neither of these options seems like a winner to me. The fact is, the only person worth comparing yourself to, is the very best version of you.

So what might we do instead?

The next time you feel the urge to beat up on yourself for not looking more like so-and-so, or for not having a life that’s more like so-and-so, I invite you to stop. Take a breath. And then, with a humongous dose of compassion, consider one or more of the strategies listed below.

Strategies for Letting Go of Comparisons

1. Think back to the last time you did something really funny, loving, important or amazing. Remember how you felt about yourself and bring that feeling with you absolutely everywhere you go.

2. Keep a mental list of all the things you are, rather than all the things you are not. Remind yourself often!

3. Reflect on your personal story, your unique journey in the world, and all the things you’ve been through to arrive exactly where you are today.

4. List all the ways that the person you are right now, in this moment, will help you achieve your goals and arrive where you want to be in your life.

5. Look at the person to whom you are comparing yourself and realize that she is simply another person on the planet with you, doing the best she can.

To your happiness, health and success!

Nicole Burley, M.Ed is a life coach living in NYC with her husband and their amazing dachshund. She believes in having down-to-earth conversations to upgrade your life and your health. She is passionate about supporting her clients as they create an Ideal Life – whatever that means to them.

Photo credit: Rodrigo Quinones

How Will You Show Your Body Some Love Today?

by Cora Poage

For many years I was caught in a steamy, intimate and tumultuous relationship. I would call it codependent, maybe slightly abusive. I placed my “Ex” on a pedestal and truly saw him as an idol of sorts. If my Ex was kind to me, I had a fabulous day. If he was moody or “off,” my day was ruined. I was yearning for freedom from my partner, but I was too scared to leave or move on.

Who was this ex-partner I speak of? I will give you three hints:

1. He was very quiet.
2. He lived in the bathroom.
3. He only saw me naked.

Drum roll please … My ex-partner was …

My scale!

We used to be a really tight pair. There are days from my past where I weighed myself three or more times a day. Heck, my scale was seeing more of my naked body than my husband (sorry, Babe).

If the number on the scale was lower than the time before, I was happy. If it was the same or higher, then I was devastated. For many years, I allowed my scale to determine my self-worth. I allowed my life to be controlled by a tiny piece of metal. I was obsessive.

Then one day I had enough of this crazy relationship. I realized it was time for the dreaded Break Up. I decided to throw away my scale. Okay, okay, not quite. I told my hubby to hide it from me. Boy, did I go through withdrawal. I spent many a day ransacking the apartment searching frantically for the elusive scale.

But once I made it through the initial shock stage and the mourning process, I began healing. These days my self-worth is not measured by a shiny metal object in the bathroom. I look in the mirror, and I love what I see — whether or not I’ve reached some magic number on the scale. And like magic, as my inner healing took place, and I repaired my relationship with my body, I naturally began to release weight! My body really responded to the trust and love that I was finally showing towards her.

Breaking up with my scale was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. Yet, ending that relationship gave me freedom: freedom to know that I am so much more than a number, freedom to believe that I am beautiful and worthy whatever my weight. Most importantly, when I ended my obsessive relationship with the scale, I chose to embrace my body with love and acceptance.

There are moments when I am tempted to go back. I see that sexy and slim scale in my gym locker room, and I think, “Just a quick little weigh-in won’t hurt, a tiny rendezvous.”

Then I shake my head, stand in front of the mirror and send my body a mental love letter of gratitude and awe. I bravely walk past the tempting scale and towards my true freedom.

How will you show your body some love today?

Cora Poage is a Holistic Health Coach and owner of Sexy Soul Wellness. She helps her clients co-manifest their ideal bodies and lives through Soul-Centered Eating, Exercising and Living. For support on Loving Your Body, Owning Your Power, and Living Your Dreams email Coach Cora at cora@sexysoulwellness.com

Photo credit: incurable_hippie

How Yoga Helped Me Get Over My Ex

By Jennifer Garam

Two and a half years ago, I tried Bikram yoga and I hated it. As I was lying on my back in a pool of my own sweat in Savasana at the end of class, the teacher urged new students to come back the next day because it “gets better,” and my internal dialogue screamed, “NO FREAKIN’ WAY!” Then, as I burst out the front door and into the cool fall air gasping for breath, my inner voice continued, “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!” As a loyal Vinyasa yoga practitioner, I had given Bikram a shot, felt like I had been beaten up by the class, and never intended on setting foot in a 110 degree Bikram studio again. That is, until a few weeks ago, when I decided to give it a second chance.

There were several reasons why I went crawling back. This winter in New York was exceedingly long, cold, and gray, and I was craving heat to boost me out of my achy lethargy and self-diagnosed Seasonal Affective Disorder, which was exacerbated by four straight days of pouring rain and gale force winds. Also, I hurt my hamstring during my foray into pole dancing class two years ago, and ever since then it seizes up when I do Triangle Pose in Vinyasa yoga, and I was hoping that the heat of Bikram might help stretch it out in a non-spasmodic way. But my strongest motivation to go back to Bikram was that I had recently checked my ex’s Twitter which (a) never makes me feel good about myself and (b) always results in a depressive downward spiral. Vinyasa classes were just not working to shake the thoughts of him out of my brain, and I remembered a friend saying years ago, “Bikram yoga is the only thing that turns off my thoughts.” I needed to take drastic yogic measures to elevate my self-esteem and quiet my mind STAT… before I checked his Twitter again!

This time around, the sparks flew right away, and I fell in love with Bikram yoga. At the beginning of class during a Pranayama breathing exercise the teacher said, “Breathe out all your thoughts and worries,” and I eagerly complied, exhaling enthusiastically. Like the last time, I was again dripping in sweat, wheezing for air, and fighting frequent waves of nausea, but looking at my reflection in the mirror during class and seeing my rosy (okay, bright red) cheeks and muscular sweaty body contorting into challenging poses, I felt strong, vital, and powerful, and my self-confidence soared. I had to focus so hard on breathing and not throwing up that my thoughts hardly uttered a peep from the moment I stepped into the sweltering room until the second I left the studio. And when those thoughts eventually did return, they were more languid, sedated, and blissful, instead of racing, anxious, and agonizing about my ex-boyfriend.

After my last attempt at Bikram, I had dragged myself home and passed out for the rest of the day, but after this class, detoxified and energized, I bounded through the streets, walking/dancing home blasting “Carry Out” by Timbaland and Justin Timberlake on my iPod, feeling like one badass hot (and sweaty) yogini. My friend and newly designated Bikram mentor Bridgette, who is known for having converted at least eight people to this style of yoga, texted me multiple times after class with advice and encouragement. She instructed me to drink coconut water to restore my electrolytes, and told me that a consistent Bikram yoga practice would make me calmer and increase my focus and mental clarity. Brain fog is my arch-nemesis, and I often feel like if I just had more mental clarity my life would dramatically improve. That alone was reason enough to return for another Bikram class. And, although not specifically touted as a benefit of Bikram on either the yoga studio’s website or by my friend Bridgette, if the sweaty, vigorous 90 minute classes manage to take my thoughts off my ex, then that’s a worthy bonus.

So this time, when the teacher said at the end of class, “You should come back tomorrow,” my internal dialogue piped in with, “Hell, yeah!” The third time’s a charm, and if it can get me over my ex-boyfriend, Bikram yoga and I just might be soul mates after all.

How to Stand Up to Your Inner Mean Girl

By Amy Ahlers

“You don’t deserve it.”

“Who do you think you are?”

“This will never work out for you, you know that, right?”

Recognize that voice? It’s the voice of your Inner Mean Girl.

She’s negative. She’s catty. She’s judgmental.

She compares your worst to everyone else’s best—in her eyes, you lose every time.

She spews cruel words at you and makes you feel like you are in seventh grade again. Her favorite thing to do is make you feel small, inadequate, and unworthy. She’s always finding evidence to prove her theory: you are not enough.

It’s time to stop letting her run the show!

Try the three steps below to stand up to your Inner Mean Girl once and for all:

1. Identify your Inner Mean Girl’s top ten places, situations and environments where she likes to show up and criticize. Is it at work? Social events? In bed? Every time you look in the mirror? Once you know what circumstances are likely to trigger her, you can be better prepared to deal with her.

2. Next, draw a picture of your Inner Mean Girl. Is she fat with big glasses? Perfectly pressed and all in pink? A slob with a cigarette in one hand and a martini in the other? Don’t worry if you think you can’t draw; no one will ever see this but you, so go for it! And if you really don’t want to draw, can you find an image in a magazine or on the Internet that captures your Inner Mean Girl? It’s important that you have a clear mental image of that voice that tortures you.

3. Get to know your Inner Mean Girl. Notice what makes her happy and notice what makes her power diminish. What happens if you just yell “Shut up!” at her? What if you look her calmly in the eye and reassure her that everything is going to be all right? Maybe she needs a compliment every now and then. After all, Inner Mean Girls need love, too.

I’ve got news for you: your Inner Mean Girl is a liar.

She tells you big fat lies to try to maintain the status quo and keep you in your comfort zones—even if your comfort zones aren’t all that comfortable. For example: poor body image, constant financial distress, or any addictive behavior can be an area where your Inner Mean Girl thrives. She will tell you over and over again that “you can’t change” and “you’re a loser.”

But those are lies. You can change and you are certainly not a loser. In fact, you are magnificent.

Once you realize that she is a liar, see if you can’t catch her lying to you. (Hint: whenever you’re feeling bad about yourself, she’s probably right there with a megaphone.)

Then, take these three simple steps to see through your Inner Mean Girl’s lies:

1. What is my Inner Mean Girl saying? Write it down. Can you identify the lies?

2. What does my higher self/inner wisdom believe? Write it down. Can you see the truth? (Hint: it helps to sometimes close your eyes and take a deep breath before asking this question. The truth is always there, waiting to set you free.)

3. Now write down an action you want to take in light of this new information. Is there something or someone you need to commit to? Something you must stop doing? A new perspective you will hold? Do you need to forgive yourself or someone else?

Here is the truth: your Inner Mean Girl is really a voice of insecurity and anxiety. Uncertain of her own power, she becomes a bully. Once you start really listening and writing down her rants and accusations, it’s easy to put her in her place.

The truth is, you are fabulous.

And I know, because my Inner Wisdom told me so.

This article was written by Amy Ahlers, creator of The Women Masters and CEO of Wake-Up Call Coaching.