By Jen Louden on May 11, 2012
I’m getting married.
Me, getting married.
We met four years ago on Match.com. (His sister met her husband on Match too. Wild!) Both of us were simply looking for someone to have dinner with, maybe go for a hike. We’d both been on Match for a couple of weeks and were not digging it – it felt like person shopping and made us feel a little icky – so we were about to sign off when Bob sent me an email:
“Wow, you live on Bainbridge? Nobody single lives on Bainbridge. Want to have coffee?”
We meet. I liked him but not that way so on the sidewalk afterward, I said, “I’d love to be friends but we certainly don’t have a romance here.”
Oh, Jen, so adorable when you make your definite predictions.
Of course, it turns out I was utterly wrong because within a few weeks we were inseparable, at least as inseparable as single parents of children can be.
It also turns out we both terrified of marrying again. We couched our fear – not dishonestly – in
“We’ve done marriage, had the babies, now we’re going to be modern. We’re going to stick it to the man and never get married.”
Yet underneath our 60?s counter-culture brio lurked – speaking only for myself now – my most ancient fear: that I am unlovable. Impossible to live with. Too intense, too dark, too much.
Fast forward four years and a few weeks. We’re spending a week on Lake Atitlan in Guatemala, turning into bodies of bliss via meditation and yoga-bendiness. We’re climbing the stairs to our little bungalow when Bob says, “I have a treat for you. And a surprise.”
I bop up the stairs ahead of him. “Sweet!”
We sat on our porch with the warm wind from the lake tickling our cheeks and shared a bar of our favorite chocolate. Me thinking: what a thoughtful guy.
And then: a Rumi love poem recited through tears, a perfect ring slipped on my finger, and a declaration:
“I want you to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I want the world to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
I cry. I exclaim. I am shocked. Did. Not. See. This. Coming.
This is the moment in which I throw myself into his arms and cry yes, yes, yes! A thousand times yes.
If only. Instead, I froze. That ancient fear I mentioned, that “You can’t love me” ick? It gripped me like Gollum gripped the ring.
I sat there, barely breathing, as Bob waited for me to say yes.
I finally managed to stammer I was scared and I needed time to grow into my yes. I reassured him I was delighted and it was wonderful – amazing! – that he asked me, no really! – meanwhile, I felt … shuttered. Far away. Cold.
We finished our luscious retreat and set out for a week of gentle adventure through the magic, mystery and astonishing resiliency of Guatemala. Every once in awhile Bob would look at me quizzically and I would look at myself quizzically. Why was I so shut down?
As we traveled, I did my best to love and be kind to whatever part of me was so terrified. I breathed, I waited, I was as patient with myself as I could be.
It was a tad surreal – we were having an incredible trip and yet … there was this unspoken thing hovering between us.
And now we come to the last day of our trip. We’re in a splurge-y hotel room, getting dressed to take the flight home, and Bob asks, “What you are going to tell Lilly?”
I stutter something and he, gently but firmly, says,“I don’t want to tell the kids anything. Nothing has to change. We can just go along as before.”
And then he adds,“Pretend I didn’t ask.”
Sitting across the room from him, I felt two paths in front of me. One was the life I would live if I choose the story of being unlovable, of being intrinsically flawed. The other path was one of literal lightness – both in feeling and color – of knowing and sharing the ease of my essential goodness.
I could feel each path, each future, in my body. And then, it occurred to me that I had a choice.
I thought,“Could it truly be this easy? Could I just decide to be happy?”
I blurted out (and I mean blurted),“OK!”
Bob peered at me and slowly said,“OK?”
I checked in and yes, there was the biggest, the brightest, the ripest OK ever.
The whole room vibrated as we stared at each other.
“OK then!”
Tears, hugs, more tears, long kiss, tension-releasing belly laughs, then running for our plane with the dawning realization as we moved among people and settled into our seats: miracles happen.
Perhaps it is rare in life to see so clearly the choice between love and separation, between happiness and fear, but perhaps not. Perhaps these kinds of miracles are waiting for us every day, even every moment.
This is my truth: a miracle happened. I chose to turn away from the brittle, hackneyed story – a story that isn’t even mine but one I inherited along with my blue eyes and strong thighs – that I couldn’t say yes to the man I love because … how could he love me?
To say this decision – this leap into love – has changed everything – our relationship, our blended family, my work – is not an exaggeration.
I choose to be loved. I will choose it again and again and again.
I so hope you will, too.
For more by this author, visit jenniferlouden.com
Photo credit: micala
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By Lissa Rankin MD on March 30, 2012
You might have been raised to believe that doctors are gods and that you shouldn’t question us, but let me tell you the real truth, my loves. We docs are in the service industry — it’s our job to love, nurture, tend and care for you, and if we’re not doing that the way you deserve, you should fire our sorry asses!
If you weren’t getting what you needed from your massage therapist, hairdresser, or yoga instructor, you would find someone else, right? Why should your doctor be any different? And yet, your doctor is even more important. This is serious stuff we’re talking about here.
Plus, medicine is, after all, a spiritual practice. At least it should be, and if your doctor doesn’t believe that, do you really want to put your body and your life in his or her hands? If you didn’t like your priest, minister, guru, or shaman, you would go elsewhere, right?
I just got an email from a reader saying she was miserable with her doctor, but she was afraid to see anyone else because she didn’t want to get labeled as a troublesome “doctor shopper.”
Why Not Doctor Shop?
My response to her was “Why not doctor shop? And who cares if someone labels you ‘troublesome?’ It’s your body. Your health. Your life. Your choice.”
10 Tips to Help You Find the Right Doctor
- Interview your doctor. Let them know when you schedule the appointment that you would like to schedule a consultation to make sure your doctor is the right fit for you. If the doctor won’t submit to being interviewed, you gotta wonder what they’re afraid of. Find someone who has enough confidence in his or her awesomeness to agree to being interviewed.
- Be willing to get what you pay for. Insurance may not pay for you to doctor shop or for consultative interviews with doctors. So tell the front desk you’re willing to pay cash when you schedule the appointment. Also, doctors who do not accept insurance tend to offer more time. Find a doctor who will give you a whole hour if you can.
- Demand what you deserve (in a gentle, loving way, of course). Understand that your doctor may have 40 patients on her schedule, so be mindful of her time and ask how long you have allotted for you. Then be clear about what you expect and don’t settle for less.
- Seek someone who shares your beliefs. If you are a spiritual person counting on your relationship with the Divine to guide you on your self-healing journey, and your doctor is an atheist, it might not be the best fit.
- Check in with how your body reacts. If you feel tight, clenched, nervous, cold, shivery or closed off, your body may be telling you something. Look for feelings of openness, warmth, relaxation and calmness in your body.
- Listen to your intuition. What does your gut say? Do you trust this doctor? Do you feel safe in her hands? Trust your Inner Pilot Light (that 100% authentic, unapologetically YOU, that knowing inner healer who will always steer you in the right direction).
- Ask your doctor if they believe you can be healed. If your doctor reads you negative statistics, dismisses your self-healing superpowers, insists that there’s no hope, lacks belief in miracles, and generally considers you a hopeless case, get thee the hell outta dodge!
- Feel the love. I know I practice love, with a little medicine on the side. Science may cure, but only love heals. Go where the love is. There are plenty of loving doctors out there. Find one.
- Ensure that your doctor trusts your intuition. If you believe homeopathy is going to heal you, and your doctor thinks homeopaths are quacks, fire her. You and your inner wisdom know more than anyone else, no matter how long they went to medical school.
- Know that you deserve the best care possible. Don’t go telling yourself stories about how you’re not good enough/smart enough/young enough/rich enough/[fill in the blank] enough to get this kind of stellar medical care. If you believe you’ll only get bad care, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Know you are worth it.
Are You Ready To Go Out And Get The Kind Of Care You Deserve?
This doesn’t just apply to doctors, you know. (I picked on them because my profession is notoriously bad about providing good customer service these days.) But this also goes for alternative health providers, the woman who does your pedicure, and your dentist.
I believe in you. There are so many good doctors and other health care practitioners out there. Find the ones who are right for you.
For more about me and the atypical medical services I offer, read here.
Do you feel comfortable doing these things? Have you already found awesome healers? Do you have other tips for how to find great docs? Tell us what you think!
What if I told you caring for your body was the LEAST important part of your health? Watch my TEDx talk here to learn the MOST important part.
With faith in you and hope for my profession,
Lissa Rankin, MD
For more by this author, visit owningpink.com
Photo credit: TimmyGUNZ
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By Guest Blogger on March 29, 2012
Ever notice how exhausted you get after social outings? You had a great time, saw old friends, wined, dined, laughed and reconnected. Then the next day (or two…) all you want to do is hibernate.
Why does socializing make you feel so exhausted, so depleted, so run down? Did you drink too much wine? Stay out too late? Are you just frail, weak, lazy? Why do the happiest of times turn into the most exhausting of times?
If social activity leaves you depleted, you’re likely introverted. Understand and take ownership of your introverted nature, and you’ll be better equipped to maintain a schedule that maximizes your strengths and doesn’t leave you feeling so drained.
Introverts and extroverts complement each other perfectly but could not be more different. The interactions that drain an introvert, energize an extrovert. Introverts gain their energy from their alone time. Extroverts energize through social interaction. Introverts live inwardly. Extroverts quite literally live out loud; they think best when they can speak through issues with others. Introverts love to sit alone and think, quietly, pensively. Extroverts would rather talk to strangers.
We live in a live-out-loud society. Being an extrovert is valued supreme and being introverted is often viewed as a problem that needs to be fixed, grown out of, overcome, or pitied. The invaluable benefits of being introverted are often overlooked when people don’t look deep enough. Ironically they’re often overlooked by introverts themselves.
And so we fight ourselves: “Stop being so lazy, so needy, so emotionally high-maintenance. Battle through, power up, keep it moving. Don’t be such a recluse! Why can’t you be more like so and so? …”
Stop fighting yourself. Give your inner introvert exactly what he/she needs and your invaluable introverted qualities will thrive.
Introverts are introspective, deep and complex. We are full of insight and reflection. We forge strong long-term friendships. We focus on projects intently. We’re extremely self-aware. We’re incredibly observant, often picking up on things others miss, meaningful but less visible subtleties. We think creatively. We problem solve. We have no desire to be the center of attention, nor are we comfortable there. But we’re very aware of what’s happening there and all around us.
Small talk can at times seem meaningless to introverts. We want to intimately jump into the deep end, talk about life issues, emotional battles, topics we’re passionate about. We want to bond and share deeply. We splash around uncomfortably in the shallow end and do the butterfly stroke in the deep end.
It’s biological, our brains are simply stimulated differently, and so it’s out of our control and cannot be changed or “fixed”, nor should it be. We can thrive in small talk and at parties, and we can be very social but our greatest creations, our deepest thoughts, our most powerful reflections, our most sustainable energy, will always come from our alone time — our power zone. The more we respect our power zone, the more we thrive.
I have a theory on introverts that has helped me become more accepting of my own introverted nature. I believe all living beings are connected, energetically and spiritually. The more we realize how we’re all connected, the more good we’ll try to do for the world and all its inhabitants. I believe introverts are uniquely tapped into the energy that connects us. It’s this energetic hardwiring that allows us to see the things others miss, to probe so deeply, analyze so intently, self-reflect so thoroughly. And because we’re so in tune with this energy, so internally stimulated by it, we get depleted quickly. This energy shoots us up like lightening to metal, and we need peace, solitude and quiet to recover and defuse.
So give yourself permission to be still, introspective, reflective. Turn down social events when it gets to be too many. Set boundaries. Allow yourself to thrive according to your own rules. You’re not frail or weak; you’re your own energy supplier. You’re the Con Ed of your soul. If you don’t pay the bill, you run all your lights out. Pay the bills and your deep introspective magic will illuminate the mind’s eye.
There’s no competition between introverts and extroverts. One is no better than the other. We simply form an emotional and intellectual ying and yang, two pieces fitting together in perfect synchronicity. The world would not be as complete, as balanced or as beautiful, if everyone was one or the other.
Extroverts bring the pizzazz and sparkle; introverts bring the mystery and allure. Extroverts are bright and colorful rainbows, immediately capturing people’s attention with their beauty and shine. Introverts are the wind in the trees that touches your soul in profound, contemplative and peaceful (though less visible) ways. Both are beautiful and perfect; they co-exist in harmony.
So respect your power zone. Allow yourself to be that silent thinker. Thrive in your pensive reflections. And enjoy all the beautiful rainbows.
Liz Longacre is the founder of Gentle Living. Gentle Living embraces all aspects of living a gentle but powerful life. From self-love, to animal welfare, to travel, to home decor, to ethical beauty & fashion, to an animal friendly travel department, it’s all gentle; not weak, just gentle.
Photo credit: Anthony Vasquez
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By Guest Blogger on March 26, 2012
There will always come a moment in our lives where we ponder the question, “Why does this work for others and not for me?” This moment is often closely followed by our cry of, “What the heck!”
Then we might try to force ourselves into fitting into a mold that we deem acceptable and appropriate. Who can we really blame for creating all these rules and regulations about how life should look?
We can call out all the usual suspects: society, church, school, parents and pop culture. But the culprit is always our fear. Fear feeds us illusions of inferiority and inadequacy. Fear tells us we are not good enough. Fear insists we compare and judge. Fear deceives us into thinking that if we attack others somehow we will feel better.
It doesn’t matter what suggestions fear makes; in the end, we always end up feeling worse and completely lost.
Lucky for us, love has a better, much gentler way. Love does not try to suffocate us by giving us a million suggestions. It merely says, “Try this one. It will work.” Love does not try to stuff us into a box. It says, “This fits you just right.” Love does not send us off into many directions. It yells, especially if we haven’t been listening, “Go this WAY!” Nicely, of course!
The more we listen to love and live by its rules, the brighter and lighter life will feel. Love’s method of living life is simple and kind.
Here are my top three Love Rules I give to my clients to help them dethrone the fear in their lives and bring in the love.
Love Rules
Rule #1- Authenticity
Why would love want us to be like anyone else? What could possibly be better or sexier than the person that you are? Nothing.
We spend too much time letting our fear block us from being our true selves, forgetting that we are fabulous and amazing just as we are. Be your true self! A great way of tapping into your truth is by learning to stay still and meditate. If we can’t stand in our truth long enough, we will easily topple over when fear comes along and tries to push us down. Fear WILL come along and push us down.
Rule #2- Have a personal relationship with love
The word “love” can be replaced by any word that works for you. It doesn’t matter what you call it. Make it your own relationship with something or someone higher than yourself. It can even be a higher You. Whatever works for you!
Fear’s rules will have us focusing excessively on what words we use. “She called it, God, but what does that mean?” “He called it Universe, does he mean God?” Who cares what it means to other people? Find what works in your life. Use a word that works for you.
Then work daily at building that relationship. A popular way my clients build their own relationships with love, or whatever they choose to call it, is through meditation.
Meditation also helps us reinforce Rule #1 because it allows us the space to stay still. The more you can cultivate space and silence, the more you can listen to love’s quiet whispers.
Rule #3 – Share the message
Love is all about sharing and fear is all about hoarding. Fear likes when we compete, and when we feel scared that if we have something others won’t have it, or vice versa.
Love on the other hand, says, “There is plenty for everyone!”
When you live by Rule #1 and Rule #2, Rule #3 is easy and super fun!
You can share the love however you please.
Maybe you become a yoga teacher who goes to church, or maybe you are a pastor’s child who loves meditating, or maybe you are a psychotherapist who loves tantra. Maybe you are a mother learning to be more patient with your child, or you could even be a social worker who dislikes traditional therapy but loves entrepreneurship, meditation, Jesus and helping others. See how there are endless possibilities?
Sharing our love through our work, our creative projects, our businesses, our friends, our families and our communities is essential in ending fear’s reign over our world.
Be brave about who you are and what you love.
Share your truth with a strong but loving voice.
Express your highest self in all moments.
Shine your light, so others may also find their way back to love.
The time for the usual suspects is over. It’s time to call out the real problem, “Can the real problem, please stand up?”
Fear has governed our lives for too long. Now it’s time for love to rule!
Clarisa Mompremier is a life coach and a writer who is dedicated to helping others design a life full of love, fun and milagros aka miracles. She graduated with a master’s in social work and is a teacher and student of “A Course in Miracles.”
Photo credit: Lindsay
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By Peggy Drexler PhD on March 9, 2012
A while ago, I was rushing up the street, carrying groceries and my briefcase, barely closed from all I had stuffed inside it, trying not to be late to pick up my daughter from basketball practice. One of her classmates, 13-year-old Damien, was walking from school toward me. I’d known Damien and his family for years, as part of a study I was conducting on boys and moms.
“Can I help you with that?” he asked in a concerned voice.
Although the bag was tearing from the weight of its contents and the awkward way I was holding it, his question almost made me drop everything completely. People were meandering in both directions, and no one else noticed that I was struggling, but Damien saw in one glance that I needed help and immediately offered it. He took my grocery bag and walked back up to school with me. When I thanked him, he just smiled politely, said it wasn’t a problem, waved and continued off down the street.
Until fifth grade, he wore his hair short and he dressed in nothing but jeans and T-shirts. Even after he let his hair grow long in sixth grade and wore red bandannas like the Hells Angels, he didn’t let anybody’s idea of what was “girlish” affect his behavior. In the school’s annual musical, Damien stole the show with his theatrical poise and warm response to the loud applause from the audience. His onstage theatrics – a very liberating experience for boys – did nothing to prevent him from being the first out on the play yard at recess for kickball, running successfully for class representative to the student council, or being a sometimes goofy but articulate class participant.
I call children like Damien “head and heart boys.” Years of research on families and parenting have shown me how successful moms raise self-assured and caring sons by nurturing their boy power – the artful combination of physicality and sensitivity to others’ needs and feelings. To help your son grow up with confidence and respect for others:
1. Help him develop a strong sense of well-being and sensitivity to the needs and feeling of others.
Talk and talk and talk with (not at) your son, and then talk some more. As boys discover they are worthy of respect and understanding, they learn to respect and empathize with others. Encourage your son to recognize how he feels and show it, whether the feeling is good or bad. Talk with him about what may be making him feel that way. Learning about his own feelings can help your son connect with others and develop into a caring, sensitive man.
Boys tend to shy away from face-to-face discussions. Connect with him in any way you can, anywhere you can. Use toys to prompt discussion. One mom uses puppets with her young son to talk about events in their lives. Initiate conversations in the car, on the basketball court or in the kitchen while cooking together. Despite feeling tired at the end of her workday, one mom began playing basketball with her teenage son because he seemed withdrawn. She expected it to be all dribble and shoot, but when they started playing, her son opened up, sharing his thoughts and feelings about school and home.
Listen to what your son tells you – or doesn’t tell you. Look for messages even in silence or outbursts. Listening – not just to the words, but to the feelings behind them – can reveal the kind of mothering your son needs to help him become a man.
Ten-year-old Caleb struggled with being small for his age. During hide-and-seek, he and his mom brainstormed about the advantages of being small, like finding a really good place to hide. Since people underestimated his superior athletic abilities, he had a secret weapon. Later, when a cousin said he was small for his age, Caleb easily listed all the good things about being small!
And while you’re talking, repeatedly share your own values, including consciously challenging gender and other stereotypes, even when your son seems to tune out.
2. Foster his respect for others.
Respect for ourselves feeds our respect for others. So accept who he is, instead of trying to mold him into your vision of what you think he should be.
You can encourage him to be responsible to himself by helping him set his own goals and expectations, and then live up to them. He will also learn responsibility to others by doing his share of household chores and other age-appropriate duties.
Establish clear guidelines for behavior and expectations for how family members and others are treated. Helping your son relate well to family and friends will help him become a reflective, conscious, centered adult with a strong sense of identity and moral fiber.
3. Help him find a variety of good role models, both men and women.
Start with yourself and other moms you know. His respect for you and other women friends teaches him respect for women. He learns such qualities as patience by observing patience in you and others. As his mom, model the kind of strength and heroism commonly associated with men. Your power, leadership, determination and ability to achieve set a strong personal example for your son. Knowing women he can emulate helps erase culturally ingrained gender stereotypes.
Boys benefit by having many role models, so whether there’s a father at home or not, actively recruit men as friends and role models for your son. In addition to men in the family, look for babysitters, tutors, coaches and Big Brothers who can play this role. Sports superstars, fictional characters like Harry Potter and other heroes also give boys a range of men to emulate.
One mom makes sure her five-year-old son, Cody, interacts with males as much as possible. “When I’m with my brothers-in-law or nephews, [I say], ‘You guys, take him to the bathroom,’ or ‘You guys, go do guy things.’” Strong mothers give their sons a range of models for manhood.
4. Stay connected. Learning to value intimacy and close relationships will help him succeed with a future wife or partner.
Don’t buy into fear of being too close to your son, no matter what his age. Closeness and conversation lead to a natural and lifelong intimacy between mother and son. This means frequently stepping out of your comfort zone to meet his needs, including roughhousing and playing with your son any way you can. Encourage physical and emotional expressions of affection at home even when he tries to push you away. (In public allow him any space he requires.) Adapt the ways you connect with your son to stay close as he grows intellectually, emotionally and physically.
As he grows, you can help him lead a double-life on the emotional front. If he is standoffish in public, he can still enjoy the mothering he secretly still craves in the privacy of home. Allowing boys to show their soft, vulnerable side with you keeps those emotions alive. As your son grows older, be sure to keep the dialogue open even when you don’t agree with his choices.
The deep emotional connection between mothers and sons has been demonized for far too long. Just as your son has inherent boy power, you have the mom power it takes to raise a son who is self-assured and respectful of others. By nurturing his emotional IQ, teaching him to care for others, providing him with positive role models and staying close to him as he grows up, you can give him what he needs to become a confident, empathic person and an exceptional man.
For more by this author, visit: PeggyDrexler.com.
Photo credit: Ed Yourdon
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