Talking To Kids About Cancer

Six weeks ago, totally out of the blue, I was diagnosed with incurable metastatic bone disease. My spine and pelvis were apparently riddled with tumors that were the cause of my recent backache. At 38 and as the active mother of two very young children, I had put it down to a pulled muscle from making up the top bunk bed. I’m an elementary school teacher, too, so I have loads of opportunities to pull weird muscles chasing (or dancing with) kids. And loads of reasons for “forgetting” about them, expecting them to go away of their own accord.

Within minutes, my husband and I were wondering: “How the hell do we tell the children this?” Our two are ages 7 and 4, utterly incredible (of course) and really close to us. We have always made a point out of being honest with our kids, even about the difficult stuff, but somehow this one seemed insurmountable. So we did a lot of soul-searching and rehearsal. Literally. Practiced being the kids hearing bits of information and putting two and two together to make 42. Making sense out of the fragments we had was almost impossible for us, let alone for my little boy, whose tiny hands still stroke my cheek to wake me in the morning. It took a while, but we came up with a plan.

The fact that we only had a partial diagnosis initially was helpful, because it enabled us to stagger the news we shared. This allowed the children to process the information in little bits and think of questions. Realistically, they followed our lead and were calm, factual and positive, because we were.

At first, we just explained what would affect them: that we had to cancel our family vacation this summer because the doctors wanted to try and work out why my back wasn’t getting better. As we always flew to the States for the summer, this would be their first in England, and we’d try to do lots of fun things closer to home. They were devastated about cancelling the trip to Grandma and Grandpa’s but quickly understood that we’d go next summer and that perhaps they could come to us soon.

A few days later, while we were all curled up reading books, we stopped to explain that the doctors had discovered that there was a disease in my backbones that had started somewhere else in my body, but we didn’t know where yet. We were clear that no one had given it to me and no one could catch it from me. As kids are so drilled about “Coughs and sneezes spread diseases,” we thought this last bit was particularly important.

Then I got out a chocolate bar called an Aero (I’m sure there must be some equivalent in the States; it’s chocolate-filled with bubbles but smooth on the outside). I explained that a bone is a bit like the chocolate bar. The outside looks smooth and hard, but when you look inside, it’s made up of little bubbles.

“If the bubbles were bigger, how would it taste?”

“Not so chocolatey.”

“Would it be stronger or more crumbly if the bubbles were bigger?”

“It would break more, or bits would cave in.”

So then, of course, we explained that my bone was like the bar, but in places there were bigger bubbles growing because of the disease. That was making the bones delicate and painful. Then they got to eat the bar, but I wasn’t allowed any.

“But Mummy loves chocolate!” my daughter protested. We went on to explain that there were certain foods that would make my back worse, and some that would make it better. Simply speaking, white foods were out, and rainbow foods were in — especially green foods. We listed all the white foods we could think of: sugar, milk, ice cream, flour, rice, pasta, mashed potatoes, white sauce. Then we went into the kitchen and introduced other things I could have instead: agave, almond milk, wild rice or spelt, yams. No decent alternative to béchamel sauce yet. They loved tasting everything and made their preference clear (agave=yum, wheatgrass= yeurgh!).

As my juicing and vegan diet reached into our days, they became engaged with exploring all sorts of flavors. The spiralizer is a great favorite, and they love the carrot-zucchini spaghetti — who wouldn’t? We grow a lot of our own produce, so juice inventions have become a daily game. Beet, black currant and red grape; watercress and kiwi; carrot, pineapple and ginger; spinach and apple were all quickly popular (actually, only I liked the watercress and kiwi one, but I like it enough for everyone else put together!). We tried to juice like colors together to keep the end product bright and appealing; that really helped. The children felt empowered to help be a part of my healing through diet and are learning a lot about what goes into their own bodies as a result.

Our chickens love the pulp, so the kids are delighted to give the vitamins to them, too.

We still hadn’t used the word “cancer” yet because we didn’t know whether they had any prior knowledge of the word, and we certainly didn’t want to confuse the issue when we were still trying to build their understanding of what we were facing. But now it was time.

I had a few biopsies taken, and the nurse put stars over the incisions so that the kids would be proud of me. They were, and they kindly kissed each spot better just as I would have done for them! When the results came through, we got both children into the big bed with us and explained that Mummy’s disease had a starting place now, and a name. The name was “cancer;” had they heard of that before? Our daughter, who’s 7, had heard about it but didn’t know anything about it. Our son looked blank.

We explained that there are hundreds of types of cancer, and everyone’s story is different. If they saw or heard anything about cancer, they could ask us, but they shouldn’t think it was anything to do with my story just because it shared the same name. We felt this was particularly important because children could easily say, “My Grandma died of cancer” or “Cancer makes your hair fall out,” and we wanted information to come from us, not the playground. This conversation was something we had anguished over, but they heard it and then said “OK. Can we read some books now?”

Throughout these weeks, they have had very few questions. But they also have had very little anxiety. I think striking the balance between pace and pitch is so important. Small chunks of information spread several days apart helped them process and feel part of the learning curve along with us. We are empowered in the face of this diagnosis and are riding the tsunami rather than swept away by it. They are along for the ride, too.

Last week, I had radiotherapy. Beforehand, we talked about cough syrup. Who likes cough syrup? No one, right? It makes you feel horrid and sticky, and your mouth is all weird. Yuck! But then after a while, your cough’s gone, and you can go back to sleep and get well. So my medicine was going to be a bit like that. It would make me feel worse for a while and then better. Except that my “worse” would last a few days, even a week or so. But then my “better” would last longer, too. I wouldn’t have to take so many pills for the pain, and I’d be able to do more yoga and dancing with them again. Everyone’s a winner!

Now it’s September, and I’m not going back to teaching yet. The children are delighted that I’ll be walking them to school in the mornings, and I’ve let my friends at the school gates know that these times are CFC (cancer-free-conversation) times. Even when they’re just trying to show they care, it’s not the time. Walking to school is when my kids deserve my attention.

My cancer is omniscient but not a source of fear or anxiety for any of us. We will embrace this challenge like any other: as a loving, honest family unit. Talking often and openly.

Emily Evison is taking a year off from life as usual to create an anti-cancer lifestyle after her unexpected diagnosis. She lives in rural England with her husband, two children, six chickens and cat. They garden, craft, make music, play games and love life.

Get More Greens in Your Kids: 5 S’s for Success

As a mother of four, one of my biggest pleasures in life is feeding my kids nutritious meals. Unfortunately, it’s not always as easy as I hope it will be! I tend to romanticize while making my evening meals, thinking to myself, “My family will all love dinner tonight! They will wipe their mouths, clear their dishes and give me a hug to say thanks for your efforts, Mom!

And then I’m reeled back into reality when I hear, “No way I am eating that! It’s green!”

So for all you masterful mommies out there trying to feed your children nutritious meals, here are some helpful hints to get these nutrient-packed foods into your weewellness-warriors:

Smoothies. This is one of the easiest ways to get some greens into your kids’ diets. A handful of spinach is hardly detectable, and the flavor can easily be masked by fruit (use darker fruit like mixed berries to mask the color, too). A children’s cup with a lid is also an easy solution for those stubborn eyes! Try starting with a 3-to-1 ratio (3 fruits to 1 green) Be creative; who said you can’t put a little zucchini in a smoothie?

Start small. Younger children might be a little pickier, and you may need to do a little “sneaking” for these ones. Chopped kale can be thrown into just about any dinner meal without so much as a second glance from the youngsters. An entire bunch can be finely chopped and put into soups, fajitas, pot pies, pizzas or pasta dishes like lasagna and spaghetti. The key is to chop it small enough so that it cannot be easily picked out. If you’re not already, get familiar with kale. Even a little of this dark leafy green packs a powerful punch for our kiddos.

Set the stage. “Children have never been great at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” If you want your kids to eat their greens, then you need to do the same. We can’t fall into the old adage, “Do what I say, not what I do”. Want to make an impression? Walk around the house munching on a whole cucumber – if they don’t notice, their friends definitely will!

Solicit support. Get your kids involved. Children’s minds are like sponges that are anxiously waiting to be filled. Teach them why we want to eat broccoli, spinach, celery and lettuce. Excite them by teaching them about the powerful pac-man qualities of veggies. Let them choose the vegetable in their lunch or dinner. Have them help with a garden or the grocery shopping. It’s often easier to do things ourselves, but our children will benefit from being involved (especially when they sense approval from Mom). And of course, don’t forget to invite Dad to jump on board. Healthy kids are a team effort,

Stock for success. Let’s be honest. If you want your kids to eat their greens, then you need to actually stock your kitchen with them! Find the ones that you know your kids will eat, and make sure to have them on hand as well as a few others for them to keep on trying. Their little tastebuds will eventually “hatch”, and someday they’ll thank you for it. You mommies are busy women, so take some time each week to clean and chop veggies that can be kept in the crisping drawer in the fridge. When snack time comes around, your kids can reach for the fridge instead of the pantry. (Keep some tissue on hand for that day when you shed a little tear for your success!)

Following these 5 simple hints you can jumpstart your family’s health today! Your meal times will have less resistance, you will feel like ya done good. And … you never know … green might become your children’s favorite color!

Charity Lighten is a wife, mother, business owner, Food for Life Instructor, and a lover of food! She has a passion for nutrition and the power of food – especially as it pertains to disease prevention. She has a love for life and finds great joy in inspiring others to recommit to great health!

Photo credit: Maigh

What Motherhood Taught Me About the Rest of Life

By Lisa Catherine Harper

It’s one of the pressing questions of family life: Does having children make you happier?

Recently, I’ve seen studies that evaluate the relationship between a mother’s happiness and any number of factors: the number of children, the children’s age, their gender, their birth order. (Apparently parents of two girls are the happiest; parents of four girls are the least happy.) There’s even a study that measures a couple’s happiness relative to where they are in the parenting cycle (infants/adolescents/empty-nesters), and another that suggests that if you’re over forty, you’re happier as a couple if you have children.

The fact is that motherhood made my life, like all parents’ lives, much harder in lots of measurable ways. I got less sleep, had more laundry and housework, had more anxiety about finances/the future/the environment/toxins/school, and — let’s be honest — a lot more day-to-day stress and disagreements with my spouse. But over the years, I’ve come to understand that these things are the least important and — surprisingly — the most manageable aspects of being a parent. I’ve learned hard doesn’t necessarily mean unhappy.

Because the fact is that I’m much happier as a mother — although not for the reasons you’d expect. I’m not happier as a mother because of the great love I have for my children; nor because I think my children have completed me (they didn’t); nor because of the great joy they are capable of revealing to me. All these things are true, of course, but more important is what becoming a mother taught me about myself.

It began one evening early in my pregnancy when my husband and I were sitting around after dinner. He suddenly turned off the TV and said, “I’m excited about what will happen, but I don’t want to be too excited to enjoy everything that’s happening right now.” For a minute I stared blankly at him, then I realized he was right. Expecting meant not expecting. Pregnancy revealed a fundamental truth: nothing was completely in my control. From my morphing maternal body to the child who would take over my life, I knew that if I was going to enjoy my pregnancy, my marriage, my baby — the whole of my rapidly changing life — I had to live in the present. I had to shut off my monkey mind (a hard thing for a writer and academic) and appreciate the moment-by-moment unfolding of life.

Since then, the births of my daughter and then my son have tested that initial revelation. Nine years of motherhood have taught me that I can’t not think about the future — even as I have been forced to live in the present. What I’ve learned is how to expect and not to expect. Motherhood has shown me how to engage the most productive tensions of life. It has taught me balance, particularly in the following ways.

1. Live in the present, look toward the future. Instead of longing for the past or anticipating (for better or worse) the future, I have learned to embrace the rich flux of the present where I live most fully. This is not to say I ignore the future (education, safety, finances) — but I try not let the big picture derail the everyday, nor do I wait for the future to deliver me into some ideal happiness. I look for solace now, not later.

2. Pay attention, don’t worry. I’ve learned I can do much more good for my children by carefully observing them and their day-to-day needs. I find that if I am attendant to them in the present, I have less anxiety about their future and my own. It may be counterintuitive, but I worry less when I pay attention more.

3. Have a routine, cultivate surprise. Children and families thrive on stability, and I work hard to provide a sense of comfort and safety, to give our family a structure in which we can work, play and thrive. But there is also great joy in upending routine, and there are times when I bend, when we welcome serendipity, break rules, and find joy in what is absolutely new and different.

4. Time passes. I know that some of the things I love most about my young children will pass. But what is hardest will pass, too. The great 19th Century essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote that the only thing that grief taught him was how shallow it is. I remind myself of this often, especially when things get difficult. When I understand that nothing stays exactly the same, I appreciate more fully the blessings of life.

These are lessons that certainly would have served me well before I had children, but the fact is that I needed my children to teach me these things. Now, I am simply grateful that the hard work of motherhood has inadvertently taught me how to find deeper happiness – not in my children, but with them.

Lisa Catherine Harper is the author of A Double Life, Discovering Motherhood, winner of the 2010 River Teeth Literary Nonfiction Prize. She is adjunct professor in the MFA program at the University of San Francisco, and lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her family.

Photo credit: abarefoot

Breast Milk Is The Bomb!

Mother Nature designed the perfect complete nourishment for your newborn. Breast milk is a highly alkaline, nutritive, substance that contains immune factor, an impeccable balance of fats, DHA, protein water, and happy hormones that meet the nutritional demands and emotional needs of your baby while promoting bonding and neurological development.

Mindful eating during pregnancy, after birth and while breast-feeding is essential to maintain optimal health and wellness of a growing baby and new mother. Your diet during this finite period is of the utmost importance. The dietary requirements for a nursing mom are high. Nourish yourself with whole foods to support ample milk supply, adequate energy and hormonal balance.

Your little baby’s complex immune system
Every baby is born with passive immunity. This is the protection that your immune system provides for your little one throughout pregnancy. At birth, your baby has a supply of maternal antibodies that help protect against common childhood infections in the first months of life: coughs, colds, chicken pox, ear infections. During the second and third trimesters, the baby’s immune cells are forming but not able to work on their own. Around six months, your baby’s immune system will be able to produce its own antibodies and the timing is great because your passively acquired antibodies run out at about six months of life. This is one of the reasons why it is best to breast-feed exclusively for at least the first six months of life. The longer you breast-feed the better off your baby, so consider it an investment.

Your milk is the bomb!
Breast-feeding is the best protection against illness and support for the baby’s immune system that a mother can provide. Breast milk wards off illnesses common in formula-fed babies, provides protection against allergies and gastrointestinal infections. Your milk is a good source of highly absorbable minerals, antioxidants and other antibacterial substances that protect the baby against bacterial or viral infection. Your milk is also a top-notch source of essential fatty acids, which are vital to proper neurological development, immune development and growth. Not to mention that each time you breast-feed you are bonding with your baby. When you experience the letdown reflex your body also secretes oxytocin (the love and bonding hormone) and you and your baby fall in love. So your milk is literally a love potion.

Maintaining your milk factory
While breast-feeding you must make it a priority to look after yourself. Feeding and caring for your baby is awesome and it’s tiring too. It helps to have lots of healthy, nutrient-packed snacks around to provide you with energy. Fruit smoothies, green juice, nut and fruit bars, yogurt, nuts, porridges, soups, hummus and crackers, sandwiches and trail mix all help to provide sustainable energy throughout the day.

Drink adequate water. Your body requires a lot more water to make breast milk, which is mostly water. Avoiding chemical additives and excess sugar is always good too.

Eat at least five portions of fruit and veggies daily. This will provide the fiber, vitamins and phytonutrients needed by you and your baby. Having a fresh green juice or fruit smoothie in the morning is a great way to get an antioxidant boost!

Avoid taking stimulants while breast-feeding. Caffeine found in coffee, tea, sodas and chocolate can cause irritability and restlessness in you and your baby, so beware.

Protecting a formula-fed baby
For a number of reasons some mamas aren’t able to breast-feed exclusively. If formula milks are the only option or if you have to supplement for any reason, then this section will come in handy. Avoid cow’s milk-based formulas! Cow’s milk is designed to take a baby calf from 65 pounds to 600 pounds within one year. Why would you want to feed your child a hormone-laden substance that builds body mass at an alarming rate? You could opt for a vegetarian formula. There are also milk banks for moms interested in finding breast milk donors. Just be sure to compare the essential fatty acid profile of the formulas and choose the best option.

Add a quarter teaspoon of infant probiotic to your baby’s bottle once a day. This will provide some of the beneficial bacteria that is present in breast milk and protect against gastrointestinal infection.

Add a few drops of organic flaxseed oil into your baby’s bottle once daily to provide a source of omega-3 essential fatty acids. Rub the contents of a 500-mg evening primrose oil capsule onto your baby’s tummy after bath time to ensure a source of omega-6 essential fatty acids.

Avoid overfeeding with the bottle. Bottle-fed babies don’t have to work their jaws for the milk and often overeat. Fat cells are laid down in infancy and an overweight baby is likely to be an overweight adult.

Kiss your baby!
Okay, so by now you’re obsessed with your baby! Did you know that breast-feeding moms can protect their babies by providing tailor-made antibodies to the bacteria and viruses their babies come in contact with? You already have a plethora of antibodies that have been created throughout your life that protect you against certain diseases. Many are totally irrelevant to your newborn, but others will give your baby’s immune system a vital boost.

When you kiss your baby’s cheek, you are effectively sampling the bacteria and viruses on his face that he is about to ingest. The bacteria get transferred to your body where your immune system is stimulated to create specific antibodies to fight these pathogens. You then pass the tailor-made antibodies back to your baby through your breast milk. So each time the baby is at the breast he is inoculated. Keep kissing and nuzzling your baby. What a perfect miracle!

Your shrinking waistline
Hey Sugar, good news! Did you know that breast-feeding helps to contract the uterus back to its normal size? It also burns calories. Breast-feeding can burn up to 600 calories daily. Just from breast-feeding alone you can lose a pound every week. Breast-feeding is also linked to lower maternal weight gain.

Photo credit: nicora

Being a Mother and Entrepreneur

After two years of working full time on my company in the midst of giving birth to my daughter and raising my son, I finally launched Babo Botanicals in February 2010! The Babo brand is an organic hair, scalp, and skincare line for babies and children, made on an organic farm in upstate New York.

My Business Principles

The idea for developing Babo was motivated by a number of elements that are sacred to me. First and foremost, from the onset of starting a business, I wanted to incorporate my children into my work and business plan. They are my idea generators. The name and bunny logo are inspired by my son’s security bunny that he calls “Babo.”

Another principle in my creation of Babo is my belief in healthy and safe personal choices for parents. When I read that my Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) was advocating a bill – the Safe Baby Products Act of 2009 – to ensure safer personal care products for children, my belief was reinforced that mothers like me need alternatives for our kids. I grew up using common drugstore baby brands like many of us, and I seem to be fine (so far), but I wanted better care for my children. I wanted to create a line of hair, scalp, and skincare products for babies and children to help protect them from all of the toxic chemicals they are exposed to these days.

I am also passionate about community involvement and wanted my business to reflect that. The two years I spent in Paraguay as part of the Peace Corps immersed me in a unique cultural experience that elicited my passion for nature, the environment, and organic farming. Currently, I have aligned myself with two community centers which are part of The Educational Alliance, a non-profit in downtown New York City. This year, we will implement some youth programs which turn their community center rooftops into gardens. The children will learn to grow their own vegetables and about their nutritional value. A portion of the proceeds from all Babo Botanicals’ newborn gift sets help fund this wonderful project, because for every birth, a new seed should be planted.

Start-Up Concerns

From the start, some family members tried to dissuade me – and believe me, they were acting out of interest for my wellbeing! How was I to manage starting a company while raising two small children? How would I establish a competitive advantage in a category dominated by some very heavy hitters? I was repeatedly advised to stay at my current job, encouraged to execute my vision in a more structured, secure environment. But as any entrepreneur will tell you, the desire to be independent and realize your vision can be all-consuming.

I knew it would take years and many late nights to bring the project to fruition, but time flies when it’s a labor of love. I tapped all of my resources from my years in the beauty industry. Having a mother who is delighted to babysit her grandchildren each week helped with time management.

I called on the far reaches of my professional network, swallowing my pride and asking for favors. Many people were skeptical of my vision. Those I ended up working with contributed ideas, support, and services at a percentage of their usual fee because they were as passionate about the project as I was.

The Launch Process

Mothers have been a cornerstone of my brand development. The target audience for my line has always been parent and child, but I never would have guessed to what degree mothers would become my network of support, ideation, and product evolution. At the concept stage for my brand, I sent questionnaires to moms soliciting feedback on product names, ingredient call outs, and packaging design. Later, I tapped my network to have over 100 families test the products on their own kids. I also did focus groups with children – asking families at the park what they thought of the packaging and fragrance. I had fun meeting new people, and still today I get daily inquiries about my project and progress – and I can actually show them how they influenced it!

Business Operations – The Reality

The demands on my time have increased exponentially. With entrepreneurism comes the freedom I craved but also entrapment to perfection. And with two small children (1 1/2 and 3 years old), I probably get even less sleep because my third baby, Babo, keeps me up most of the night.

My main working hours are after the kids are asleep. That is the only time I can find absolute peace and quiet (and when most work with my team occurs). Incidentally, an important lesson I learned has been to hire moms who have worked in the corporate world. They are expert – reliable and talented. But they also understand when your child is screaming in the background or you show up to a meeting with throw-up on your shoulder. We all get that professionalism is inseparable from certain “mommyisms.” We are Mommy Professionals.

I’ve learned to stay true to my vision in the face of rejection. If someone doesn’t believe in what you’re doing, take their advice and move on. Even those that don’t have faith can be valuable sources of feedback and insight. I’m eternally grateful for the bright spots of support I gained from those that encouraged me and bought into my vision. Moms have natural perseverance. Maybe it’s our maternal instinct. Passion is what has driven me in spite of the pitfalls I encountered along the way.

I feel blessed to be able to work from home, and that my craft revolves around my biggest priorities today – my children. But as demand grows, it will be a challenge to find a work/home balance again because, as any entrepreneur will tell you, your business takes on a life of its own and requires that you be there every second to love and nurture it – whether or not you’re a mommy.

Kate Solomon is the founder of Babo Botanicals, a line of the highest quality, purest hair, scalp, and skincare products for babies and kids; and a mother to Rush and Seka. Kate is an avid supporter of local New York City urban greenmarkets and community centers, which are part of downtown non-profit The Educational Alliance.