By Gabrielle Bernstein on February 3, 2012
Let’s face it: Sometimes romantic relationships can be totally nightmarish instead of wonderful. While there are a lot of reasons romance can be tough, most of the time the chaos begins within.
As a student and teacher of the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles, I’ve come to understand how our ego (fear mind) wreaks havoc in the romantic arena. The Course guides us to see how we project our fear and neuroses onto our current partners–and it shines light on how we seek completion and self-worth in the arms of another.
Let’s demystify the ways the ego gets to work in romance–here are some of the big illusions that can really take us down.
Diggin’ Up the Past
Many people carry disastrous relationship experiences from the past into the present moment. Holding on to anger from your last relationship inevitably transfers negative vibes to the next one. This anger sabotages the possibility of creating a healthy new relationship, keeping you rooted in your history instead of the now.
Future Tripping
Do you envision walking down the aisle after just one date? If so, trust that you’re not alone. The ego loves to future trip when it comes to romance. When the ego runs your romantic life, it’s easy to get caught up in the belief that you’re unsafe without a romantic partner. This mentality hooks you into future tripping, because without that future plan you feel incomplete. The result? It puts tons of pressure on your partner … and makes you seem like a major head case for planning that far ahead.
McSpecial with a Side of Fries
I’m gonna be blunt here: When your source of happiness is another human being, you’re totally screwed. The ego convinces you that all the love you need is in one “special” person. This is what the Course calls a “special love relationship.” This kind of relationship isn’t like your other relationships–you come to believe you need this one special person to feel whole. The special love relationship is exclusive, and it makes that one person better than you and everyone else.
But the ego doesn’t stop there. It convinces you that you can’t live without this “special” partner, which is the root cause of codependency. This fear-based thinking leads you to do whatever it takes to make that special person happy so that they don’t leave. You become inauthentic and subservient so that you don’t lose your special relationship. You put the needs of others in front of your own and deny your true feelings. And it’s all done in the name of special love.
Sound familiar? I bet it does. Romantic relationships are the ego’s playground, and nine times out of ten our ego will turn the chance of romantic bliss into a freakin’ horrorshow by feeding us illusions.
The first step towards clearing the ego’s chaotic perception of romance is to become brutally honest about how you dig up the past, future trip and make partners special. Looking at your ego head-on is a powerful way to weaken its grip.
A Course in Miracles teaches us that relationships are opportunities for awesome spiritual growth. Rather than get all heady about what went wrong in the past, let’s focus on what you can change today. Outlined below are key principles that will help guide you to release fear in romance and cultivate more love in your life.
No One is Sent to Anyone by Accident
A Course in Miracles teaches us that there are “no chance encounters.” All encounters offer us the opportunity to transform fear to love and create a miracle. Accept that relationships are assignments to learn and grow. This new attitude will allow you to begin to appreciate the partner who brings up all your funky issues–because you’ll know the learning that is available to you.
Special ain’t so special
Ask yourself whom you have made special. It’s likely that the same lucky person is also the person you attack most in your mind. Special love makes us neurotic, controlling, and insecure. We think we love our special partner, but really we fear them and hate them for not calling back or doing what we want them to do. We feel so beholden to this special partner because the ego makes us believe that we’re missing something and that we can only feel complete in the arms of someone else. Set yourself free from your special illusions by simply recognizing whom you have made special. When you recognize this ego chaos, you diminish its power. You can see the ego in action and choose to begin the process of letting it go.
The Invisible Matchmaker
A beautiful practice that A Course in Miracles suggests is that we turn our relationships over to the care of our inner guide. When we consciously allow our ego to run our romantic life, we stay stuck in nasty patterns. Invite the spirit of love to guide your perceptions. Simply say: “Spirit, Inner Guide, God [whatever you wish], I invite you to take these fears from me. Help me release my romantic fears from the past and my need to control the future. Clear space for fearless love.”
MediDATE
Another major tool for releasing romantic fears is to begin a meditation practice. Begin your MediDATING practice with an awesome forgiveness meditation:
Sit comfortably in a quiet space.
Breathe deeply in your nose and out your mouth.
In your mind’s eye invite your partner into your meditation.
(It can be someone you’re currently in a relationship with or someone from your past. It can even be someone you’ve dreamed of being with.)
Hold a vision in your mind of this person standing before you.
As you breathe in envision a ball of golden light growing in your heart.
On the exhale extend this light to your partner.
On the inhale breathe in the light.
On the exhale extend the light.
Continue inhaling and exhaling until all you see is light.
Whatever your relationship status–whether you’re married, single or dating–taking these steps can be truly transformative. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, so take this opportunity to release romantic fears and clear space for more love.
Want more powerful romance tips and meditations? Join me on Feb. 8 on LiveStream Video or in New York at ABC’s Deepak Homebase for my MediDATING launch lecture. Get all the details here: www.gabbyb.tv/mediDATE.
Photo credit: Darwin Bell
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By Sharon Salzberg on January 30, 2012
In Pali, the language of the original Buddhist texts, the term for the potent and alive energy of awareness is “tejos.” The word has several meanings. It can mean heat, flame, fire, or light, and it conveys a sense of splendor and radiance and glory. Tejos refers to a very bright energy, a strength, and a power that is luminous.
By practicing meditation, we bring forth some of this splendor, this luminosity, and this power into the activities of an ordinary day. We practice meditation to be aware in whatever we are doing. And the deeper our awareness, the greater the luminosity.
Our perceptual world is transformed when we relate fully. It is as though we are experiencing each object – each sound, each sensation, each breath — for the very first time. Even painful or unpleasant feelings become included in our sense of the fullness of life, rather than being fearfully held at bay in a futile effort to keep them away from us.
Living without immediacy in our awareness, we seek fulfillment outside of ourselves, grasping at passing experiences. It becomes easy to fall into addiction to increasing levels of stimulating sensations. These supply us with our sense of wholeness, but it is a wholeness held together with only passing phenomena. Imagine doing something very simple, perhaps something you’ve done many times before, so it doesn’t bring up a great intensity. Something like eating an apple.
If you eat the apple while paying very little attention to the sight of it, the feel of it, the smells and tastes of it, then eating the apple is not likely to be a very fulfilling experience. Feeling a mild discontent with the experience, you may be likely to blame the apple. But is it the apple’s fault? It is rare for any of us to recognize that the quality of our attention might have played a role in our feeling of dissatisfaction.
You may begin to think, “If only I could have a banana, then I would be happy. But if you find a banana and then eat it, again in a distracted or inattentive way, you will again end up feeling unsatisfied. But instead of realizing that you simply were not paying attention to the experience of eating the banana, you start to think, “My life is just too prosaic; it is so ordinary. How could anybody be happy with just apples and bananas? What I need is something exotic. I need to go out and get something unusual like a mango. Then I will be happy.”
Perhaps with some trial and tribulation, you actually do get a mango. The first few bites may be wonderful. You have not had a mango for a long time, and this is a new sensation. Soon, however, you are finishing off the exotic mango in just the same way you ate the prosaic apple and the banana, and once again you are left with a feeling of dissatisfaction. In this way we can see that mindfulness is the key to fulfillment, and in fact to life itself.
We practice meditation to make skills like mindfulness real, to take them from an abstract appreciation to a positive part of every day, to generate the force of tejos. Actually doing a meditation practice, rather than just thinking about it, is of course the hard part.
During the month of February, Sharon Salzberg is hosting a mediation program based on her latest book, “Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation: A 28-Day Program.” Participants are invited to reflect on their experiences—pleasant, difficult, and in between—on Sharon’s website and on their own blogs or websites. Comments are welcome from anyone and everyone is invited to make a commitment to 28 days of meditation practice.
For more information on how to optimize your life, visit sharonsalzberg.com.
Photo credit: Taaj Digital Studio
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By Terri Cole on December 14, 2011
Holiday mode is in full swing! Here comes the month when many people hit the ground running and don’t stop until they crash on New Years Day, needing a vacation from their vacation. The entire season can become a blur of obligation and stress from running yourself ragged both physically and emotionally. However, you have the power the make this year different.
Effectively managing the fast pace of today’s American lifestyle can be super stress provoking at any time of year, but the holidays elevate that stress to a stratospheric level, unless you put a plan in place. Think about the way you go through your daily activities. Do you allot plenty of time to get them all done? Do you do them with ease and pay attention to what you are doing? Or do you rush with clenched jaw and fists throughout the day, not noticing anything except for your to-do list, feeling totally stressed, and as though there is never enough time?
Part of what we are exploring here is mindfulness: clear moment-to-moment awareness of what is actually happening. When you are thinking about what’s next, you are robbed of THIS moment, and the magic of the season is lost.
Thanksgiving through New Year’s is always an interesting time period to explore your relationship with being present. People adore the idea of this season because it represents gratitude for blessings and spending time with loved ones, but the reality of trying to cram it all in – and with joy no less – can be a very different experience. There are food and toy drives to spread the “true meaning of the holidays”, but how often do you get caught up in the hype and operate on automatic obligatory pilot? From serving a big Thanksgiving meal to participating in crazy-making Black Friday shopping, the “meaning” can get lost in the mayhem. How can you bring yourself back to the here and now and rock some present moment consciousness so you can rejoice more, react less, and actually be in the moment?
Start by taking a deep breath, slowing down, and sinking into some stillness and silence.
Give yourself the gift of dedicating as little as 2 minutes in the morning this holiday season to meditation. Take this time to see all the activities of your day falling into place with ease and grace and feel gratitude for all that is right in your life right now. This practice creates an internal sacred space of centered awareness that can be the calm in the holiday storm and keep you connected to the true meaning of the season.
Make a commitment to truly enjoy being with your children as you decorate the house – pine needles be damned! Let their wonder and awe fill you with excitement. Allow a car in front of you in traffic knowing it won’t make you arrive any later to your destination and will make that person happy. Smile at the weary sales clerk and understand he’s been working long hours and dealing with lots of people. Meditation allows you to be present and awake in your life and can create the space for you to do all of these things and more. It is possible to actually enjoy the next month!
Years from now most people won’t remember what “stuff” they got or gave, but they will remember a kind word, emotional generosity, and feelings of appreciation. One of my favorite lines comes from the cute, animated film Kung Fu Panda, “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift, and that is why it’s called the present.” The best gift you can give this holiday season is your presence in the present.
For more on how to optimize your life, visit TerriCole.com
Want an easy, breezy, foolproof way to rock a meditation practice this season? My first guided meditation CD, Meditation Transformation, is on sale right now and will be delivered in time for Christmas! Digital download also available.
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By Guest Blogger on December 5, 2011
God, do I love to dance.
I love the way music feels in my body. It’s like the boom, boom ka of a drumbeat calls my cells to celebrate, which call to my bones, which call to my muscles, and before you know it, I am movin’ and groovin’ with pure abandonment.
I loved to dance so much that, in 4th grade, I decided that was it. Move over Jennifer Beals: There’s a new flash dancer on the way. The boom boom ka and I were going to be wed forever.
I spent countless hours in dance studios, pointing, stretching, turning, and jumping. However, at around 16 years old, the magical rhythm of the music that once soothed my soul turned into the ringing of Pavlov’s bell. It became the signal that I needed to work harder, turn faster, be thinner, jump higher, and plie my way to perfection.
I spent several years moving my body with one intention. Do better.
Even getting hired to tour with a renowned dance company didn’t quiet the, “This isn’t good enough” voice that joined me every time I slipped into my dance shoes.
But in 1996, while I was battling it out with myself in dance class, my mom was presented with her own battle. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
She took on the challenge like a warrior goddess presented with the task of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Determined. While she did what her doctors told her, being a child of the 60’s, peace love and everything in between, my mom employed her family as part of her healing team.
We went to meditation and tai chi classes, changed our diet, and found a way to love each other on a deeper level.
My mom was certain that the way to heal her body was through a whole lotta love and tenderness.
So, strange that at the same time, I was certain that the only way to get my body to what I wanted it to do was to beat it into submission. If I didn’t crack the whip on myself, wouldn’t my lazy butt end up on the couch, eating ice cream and watching hours of television?
My mom’s approach was the opposite. She allowed herself to have days of “Well, this really sucks” that were always followed by days where she would paint on her eyebrows and proudly walk out the door. When asked how she was doing, she said, “Gettin’ better every day.” And she meant it.
My mom’s healthy vibrant cells won out over ovarian cancer.(They won out again over breast cancer six years later! A miracle indeed. ) I learned that she did not win because she beat, prodded, forced, or made herself do anything.
She was kind to herself, every step of the way.
When I finally took on this approach in my own life, not only did my body change, but my whole life changed. The extra pounds I hung onto melted away. The self-criticism that spilled into other areas of my life was transformed to a sweet, steady voice reminding that I am doing pretty damn good.
If you’re looking to make radical changes with your body, whether it’s to heal, lose weight or even train for a marathon, it starts with radical kindness and compassion.
Here are a few radical ways to move your body:
1. Get on the love train: We choose our thoughts. You can’t get to destination I love my body by riding the I can’t stand my ______ (insert body part) train. That train ride will only lead to one place: where it is dark and murky and the sun rarely shines.
It starts with love and absolute appreciation for what you are able to do today.
Do whatever it takes to make appreciation for what you can do your primary thoughts. You might have to slow down to access these thoughts, or you might need to ramp it up, but be determined to catch that love train.
2. Set your intention: Instead of jumping on the treadmill or into your favorite exercise class with the intention that you have to burn off the calories you ate the day before, try something different.
Try sweating with the intention that you are going access your power. Intend that you are going to open your heart. You are going to heal. You are going to shine. You are going to become more of who you are meant to be.
This philosophy can be applied to any kind of physical activity you’re doing.
The more you sweat with love, the easier it becomes to be loving even when you are not exercising. This new behavior changes your brain chemistry, which, without doubt, spills into all areas of your life.
3. Add affirmations: I created a playlist and recorded spoken affirmations over it so that when I go for a walk, a run, or even dance around my apartment, I am moving with specific intentions.
I started sharing the playlist with my clients and friends, who love to incorporate it into their workouts.
It’s one thing to think affirmations. It takes it to a whole other level when you are moving and saying them to the rhythm of music. The affirmations become a part of your muscle memory, and they get embedded into your cells. This is where the real change happens.
Bottom line: Decide today that you are moving to celebrate your life. Let the boom boom ka fill you with joy as you move to any rhythm, cherishing the body you’re in and all that it does to support you. It’s has taken you this far. What a blessing.
Money-back guarantee that your body will change, your life will change, and moving will feel more like the final scene in Flash Dance … What a feeling!
Erin Stutland is a life coach, personal trainer and fitness instructor. She is the creator of SHRINK SESSION: 30 Days To Tighten Your Body + Rewire Your Mind and Air In Sculpt. She is one of four Premiere Intensati Leaders in the world.
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By Sharon Salzberg on November 30, 2011
I was once practicing meditation in Benares, India, in a monastery situated right in between a bus station and a train station. In this very urban, crowded place, there was one patch of garden that was a few square feet.
I was sitting outside there one day next to the few little tufts of grass and other growing things, when I noticed that within the garden there was a single cabbage growing. In that moment, I had an amazing experience. Sitting there, just looking at the cabbage, I realized oneness with it!
When I looked at the cabbage, what I saw was forces of nature coming together in a certain configuration, at a certain time, with tentative form and tentative color, coming together, arising, being born, growing old, decaying, dying. I recognized that what I called my “self” also was just forces of nature coming together in a certain way at a certain time, with tentative form, having been born, growing old, decaying and dying. I saw I was composed of elements, with no self entity beyond that or behind that. Just a constant flow of energy. I became totally at-one with this cabbage.
I remembered the Mahayana Sutra where all the Buddha does is hold up one flower. He doesn’t speak at all; he just holds up a flower. In that tiny garden at that time I understood how all of the laws of nature, all the inherent truth of life, could be revealed in one moment of seeing deeply into an event or an experience or an object or a person.
This whole experience reminded me of Alice in Wonderland, a young girl one day taking a trip through the Looking Glass. Suddenly, I was looking at everything from a completely different angle, recognizing that there is no inherent substance to anything in our lives; there is no solid entity like an unchanging ego that we need to do battle with.
In spiritual life, we are not facing an implacable enemy of self that we need to fight, that we need to overcome or eradicate. Spiritual life is understanding the true nature of things, most importantly our own true nature.
It is as though we were trying to dislodge a tree in a forest; the most powerful and direct way would be to uproot it. The root of the tree that is our daily grasping and fear is ignorance. We can approach the tree and start picking off leaf after leaf and twig after twig and branch after branch, only then beginning to peel away the bark, and start cutting off inch after inch of the trunk, to finally get to the root. Or, we can take the direct way.
In spiritual practice the only true confrontation we have is with our own ignorance. Ignorance is the root of this tree of uneasiness and dissatisfaction in life. All of our effort is directed toward understanding. We do not need to do battle with all the different leaves or twigs; we need to see clearly how things are.
I had a moment like that in the tiny garden in the monastery in Benares. I was a bit chagrined that it was a “lowly” cabbage that was my vehicle for seeing more clearly at that time. I couldn’t imagine, for example, a text called the Cabbage Sutra. But there the cabbage was – plain, homey, not ornamental or showy … and there I was, trying to understand my life.
For more information on how to optimize your life, visit SharonSalzberg.com
Originally published on HuffingtonPost.com
Photo credit: smarzinske
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