By Guest Blogger on May 30, 2011
By Lisa Catherine Harper
It’s one of the pressing questions of family life: Does having children make you happier?
Recently, I’ve seen studies that evaluate the relationship between a mother’s happiness and any number of factors: the number of children, the children’s age, their gender, their birth order. (Apparently parents of two girls are the happiest; parents of four girls are the least happy.) There’s even a study that measures a couple’s happiness relative to where they are in the parenting cycle (infants/adolescents/empty-nesters), and another that suggests that if you’re over forty, you’re happier as a couple if you have children.
The fact is that motherhood made my life, like all parents’ lives, much harder in lots of measurable ways. I got less sleep, had more laundry and housework, had more anxiety about finances/the future/the environment/toxins/school, and — let’s be honest — a lot more day-to-day stress and disagreements with my spouse. But over the years, I’ve come to understand that these things are the least important and — surprisingly — the most manageable aspects of being a parent. I’ve learned hard doesn’t necessarily mean unhappy.
Because the fact is that I’m much happier as a mother — although not for the reasons you’d expect. I’m not happier as a mother because of the great love I have for my children; nor because I think my children have completed me (they didn’t); nor because of the great joy they are capable of revealing to me. All these things are true, of course, but more important is what becoming a mother taught me about myself.
It began one evening early in my pregnancy when my husband and I were sitting around after dinner. He suddenly turned off the TV and said, “I’m excited about what will happen, but I don’t want to be too excited to enjoy everything that’s happening right now.” For a minute I stared blankly at him, then I realized he was right. Expecting meant not expecting. Pregnancy revealed a fundamental truth: nothing was completely in my control. From my morphing maternal body to the child who would take over my life, I knew that if I was going to enjoy my pregnancy, my marriage, my baby — the whole of my rapidly changing life — I had to live in the present. I had to shut off my monkey mind (a hard thing for a writer and academic) and appreciate the moment-by-moment unfolding of life.
Since then, the births of my daughter and then my son have tested that initial revelation. Nine years of motherhood have taught me that I can’t not think about the future — even as I have been forced to live in the present. What I’ve learned is how to expect and not to expect. Motherhood has shown me how to engage the most productive tensions of life. It has taught me balance, particularly in the following ways.
1. Live in the present, look toward the future. Instead of longing for the past or anticipating (for better or worse) the future, I have learned to embrace the rich flux of the present where I live most fully. This is not to say I ignore the future (education, safety, finances) — but I try not let the big picture derail the everyday, nor do I wait for the future to deliver me into some ideal happiness. I look for solace now, not later.
2. Pay attention, don’t worry. I’ve learned I can do much more good for my children by carefully observing them and their day-to-day needs. I find that if I am attendant to them in the present, I have less anxiety about their future and my own. It may be counterintuitive, but I worry less when I pay attention more.
3. Have a routine, cultivate surprise. Children and families thrive on stability, and I work hard to provide a sense of comfort and safety, to give our family a structure in which we can work, play and thrive. But there is also great joy in upending routine, and there are times when I bend, when we welcome serendipity, break rules, and find joy in what is absolutely new and different.
4. Time passes. I know that some of the things I love most about my young children will pass. But what is hardest will pass, too. The great 19th Century essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote that the only thing that grief taught him was how shallow it is. I remind myself of this often, especially when things get difficult. When I understand that nothing stays exactly the same, I appreciate more fully the blessings of life.
These are lessons that certainly would have served me well before I had children, but the fact is that I needed my children to teach me these things. Now, I am simply grateful that the hard work of motherhood has inadvertently taught me how to find deeper happiness – not in my children, but with them.
Lisa Catherine Harper is the author of A Double Life, Discovering Motherhood, winner of the 2010 River Teeth Literary Nonfiction Prize. She is adjunct professor in the MFA program at the University of San Francisco, and lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her family.
Photo credit: abarefoot
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By Guest Blogger on March 28, 2011
On July 7, 2005, I stood on the crowded Piccadilly Line tube on my way to work in London.
I never got to work.
Minutes after leaving King’s Cross station, a bomb went off in the carriage next to where I stood, killing 26 people and injuring countless others.
I ended up with claustrophobia, the lungs of a smoker and an overwhelming fear of being caught in a situation I had so little control over.
This experience shook me to my very core. I was left feeling unbearable sadness, hopelessness and traumatized as any person would be. Yet, in the weeks and months that followed, I realized I could choose how to respond to the experience, and I could grow from it.
My path since this day has been one that amazes me to look back on; my life has changed so dramatically. But the most amazing thing is that all these changes were for the better. I am healthier, happier, stronger and finally following my heart and living the life I had always dreamed of. That is why I don’t call myself a victim of the London bombings. Instead I’m a survivor of the London bombings. I survived that day and created a better life for myself.
Today, it seems that everywhere we turn, there is another natural disaster or manmade horror with lives lost, entire regions destroyed, homes shattered … not to mention the fact that our air, waterways and agriculture are taking a battering that significantly impacts our health and our future. We shake our heads in disbelief and agony as we see images on the television from all over the world showing death and destruction occurring with alarming frequency. However there is a choice to be made on how to move forward from such overwhelming grief, loss and pain. Focus on what you can do.
Flood the world with love and compassion and help heal the world. Every bit of love, every bit of understanding, every bit of non-judgment you send out will be felt and appreciated by those around you. These emotions are so health giving and powerful that they can shift negativity, take the edge off trauma and provide a shiny light at the end of a tunnel of gloom.
Our world is amazing and beautiful and full of opportunity. It is also crazy, damaged and crying out for tender loving care. Don’t let your actions be guided by negative experiences and negative people. Hold on to your highest vision for our world, for peacefulness and stability. Contribute in your own way to stimulate awareness, change and growth so that our world can heal. If you need more evidence, look at the Crazy Sexy community to see just how one person can make a difference.
There really is no time other than the moment you are living right now. If you only had this day, what would you do? If you only had the next year or 10 years, what would you do? If you want to take a trip around the world, but don’t have the money right now, a small deposit and a booking can move you closer to your goal. Right this second, you can sit down and start figuring out what is most important to you and you can take active steps towards it.
Stop trying to be anyone else and embrace your unique inner hot-stuff. A big event, tragedy or trauma can put serious perspective on the ways you are wasting your energy. In fact, any challenging situation can. Know what’s a huge time and effort waster? Trying to be anyone other than yourself. Here’s the big reveal: you are you and that ain’t gonna change anytime soon, so work with it. Be authentic and true to yourself and your innermost desires. Listen to what you want, what you are capable of and what you dream of. Give to the world in ways that only you can because you are totally unique. Be the best you and stop comparing yourself to anyone else. How can you compete with someone else when they are totally different?
Choose to take the gifts of learning from all experiences: the good, the bad and the awful. There is always something we can take from our experiences to grow and use in a positive way. Take your lessons and put them into action. Tell your family and friends you love them more. Let the little things slide. Bust out your 1980s dance moves. Support a cause that you believe in or donate to an assistance fund to help rebuild our world. Choose to nourish yourself first every single day upon waking. Whatever works for you and enriches your life experience.
Make your health a priority. You only have one lifetime to play in, but to play you need to have your health and enough energy to go after your dreams. If you are suffering with poor health, empower yourself by taking steps to improve it. You will still be choosing how you are going to show up in this world and you will be giving yourself the best opportunity to live like you mean it. Load up on veggies, get intimate with alkalinity, clean out your intestinal tubes and move it and shake it!
How did I take this horrible event, which I had no control over, and use it to grow?
I took that experience and let it force me to embrace who I was and who I wanted to be. I made the hard decisions I’d been avoiding. I chose a long and challenging path to wellness. I chose to take every right, wrong, advantage, disadvantage, experience, friend, loved one and moment from my life and embrace them wholeheartedly, to love my life, my mind, my body and my health. I chose to take these things and work towards a life where I can be sharing my story with you, right now, and hopefully helping you realize everything you are capable of, right now, just as you are.
Right now, I am just so excited that I can share this story with you. It has been difficult for me to relive this experience. I’m so emotional as I write this, but because of my path since that horrible day, I don’t only feel the pain, fear and loss of control. I also feel pride, happiness, love, support and power.
How very amazing is that?
Casey Lorraine Thomas, Detox and Wellness Coach and Life Coach, publishes “Bloom Time,” a free weekly e-newsletter to help you live the life you want in a body you love. She will be sharing more of her story on her blog in the coming months.
Photo credit: Shht!
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By Guest Blogger on June 30, 2010
Photo Credit: evanbdudley
By Jason Wachob
I’m not a yoga pro or a yogi. In fact, I’m not even your typical yoga person. First of all, I’m a dude. I’m tall – 6’7″ to be exact. Yes, is the answer to your next question: I played basketball. I played for four years in college at Columbia, in New York City. I also was a trader on Wall Street for years. But enough about me, you can read more about my yoga journey here.
However, I do practice yoga, and since I returned to the mat three months ago, I credit yoga for healing the derailed discs in my lower back, and getting me into the best shape I’ve ever been in. As founder and curator of MindBodyGreen.com, I get to interview, meet and even practice with a number of professionals in the yoga world. Here are five things I’ve learned from these amazing people:
1. I learned from Tara Stiles that yoga is for everyone. It’s not just for people in New York or California, or for people who are young, healthy or conscious. Yoga is for everyone. Yoga is for Tara’s Uncle Norm who lives on a farm in Illinois. Yoga is for my 90-year-old grandma (who just began her practice last week!). Yoga is for everyone and anyone who’s looking to connect with their intuition to find their own best health and spirituality.
2. I learned from Kathryn Budig that it’s OK to fall flat on your face – in fact, it’s probably a good thing. Facing our fears by attempting new yoga poses helps us grow both on and off the mat. As Kathryn said, “The ego bruises much worse than the body, but the beating helps to quiet it. The funny thing is, once you believe in yourself and begin to loosen the grip on the fear, you actually enjoy the challenge.”
3. I learned from Mariel Hemingway that you don’t need to look to others in your yoga practice for answers. Mariel has been practicing for 25 years, and about 20 years ago her perspective changed: “I went from following what other people thought was best, or what was right for me and became more connected to my inside – and looked for answers within me.”
4. I learned from Elena Brower that even though it might take a while, it’s important to shop around until you find the instructor that resonates with you. “The underlying method is the same, but each teacher has a distinct voice and brings other understandings to the instruction.” This holds so true. Finding the right instructor and the right practice makes all the difference in the world. It’s this reason why so many people either go to one class and never come back – or become hooked for life!
5. I learned from Michael Taylor that we don’t need to speed up our yoga, we need to slow it down. We’re already good at doing things fast – in fact, we’re all probably too good at this. However, it’s slowing down (especially when it comes to our yoga practice) that might have the real benefits. When we slow down, we become more mindful of our bodies, more in tune with what our bodies are telling us – what our bodies really need, in terms of what we eat, how we practice and how we live our everyday lives.
Jason Wachob’s goal is to promote the idea that wellness is for everyone – and that it can be fun, fulfilling and non-restrictive. He is the founder and curator of MindBodyGreen – a website that provides tips, news and inspiring interviews for better, healthy, green living. After years of successfully trading equities on Wall Street, Jason decided to make a lifestyle change – focusing on wellness and building companies that promote it.
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