By Guest Blogger on March 18, 2010
By Johanna Sawalha
What if you could have your life look the way you want it to…? No, exactly the way you want it to: not just the things you have, but right down to the way that you are. What if we all thought this way?
As a new and first time mom, I have had plenty to learn in the past few months as well as plenty for which to give thanks. This “designing your life” business is what I have had the privilege to teach over the past two decades. If I didn’t know what I have learned about designing my life, I would most likely… yell at my husband for not helping enough, quietly grumble to myself instead of chatting with him and my newborn, work in an office like my mother did and rob Peter to pay Paul on a regular basis. These are all my default ways of being and doing, to which I would readily revert had I not the tools to act differently.
If you had suggested this idea to me years ago, I probably would have bitten your head off! Humility did not come with my package, no matter how wacky of a design I had given my life. I would probably also not feel right about having a nanny if I were home, like it would be too lavish and luxurious or something. However, now that is how I have intentionally designed it. I designed things the way I wanted, which means I work (from home) on my passion of having people achieve their dreams; and I have a nanny when necessary! I want it all, and I want the same for everyone. Still, I have just used one example of work/life balance. There are many more ways to design your life!
We believe the more you address each and every area of your life, the happier you become. To be deeply happy is to have each area of your life make you proud. We have found there is often a lack of deliberate design in most people’s lives. Generally, people find a way to adapt to any situation or circumstance, and become stuck in their explanations and excuses for why their life is the way it is. Over time, we start to believe our own explanations, and it becomes more and more difficult to believe something else is possible since we are so accustomed to the status quo. Piece by piece, you can actually design your life and address your fears, thoughts, and deepest beliefs. It takes some thinking, creating, inventing and dreaming. Still, just to consider designing your life can move you to action and lead you toward the life of your ideals, once and for all.
Five Ways to Start Designing Your Life Today:
1. Dream of how you want it to be.
Dreaming is an active practice that should be separated from your strategies and action plans in life. Mostly people don’t make this separation, and they think that everything they dream about requires being put into practice. Not so. The practice of dreaming in and of itself sustains your vision for your life and should happen daily.
2. Track your excuses.
“Because, because, because…!” Can you hear your excuses talking to you? If you don’t, they probably pass you right by like they do most of us. Practice hearing and tracking your excuses, and better yet, refute them. They are telling you to blow off the things that in the end will make you happy and proud; instead, do the exact opposite!
3. Account for what you are doing.
Believe it or not, much of your ability to be accountable has everything to do with time management. The more you address how you spend your time, the more accountable you can become. Declare what you are going to do today. At the end of the day, account for whether it was accomplished or not. Stay away from judging “done” as “good” and “undone” as “bad.” You are simply accounting for it, which leaves you with the clarity to figure out what is missing in your planning and do better next time.
4. Purge your disappointments.
To “purge” something is to write out what is bothering, upsetting, or worrying you. Doing this will make it easier to distinguish between your personal bogeymen and the real issues to tackle and actions to take.
5. Communicate your grumblings.
Most people do not voice their gripes because they are afraid of how it might sound, and they end up not saying anything at all. Make a list of the things you are not saying. We never get artful at communicating because we don’t practice! Voicing your grumblings solves half the problem itself; thereby fixing the situation and leaving you happy and satisfied.
Johanna Sawalha has been in the personal development field for the past two decades and just recently stepped down from the Senior Vice President position at The Handel Group to care for her newborn son. She is still an executive coach and spokesperson for HG – coaches for MIT, Stanford U, and Conde Nast.
Read More
By Rory Freedman on January 29, 2010
Photo by Diana Mrazikova
Well, here we are at the end of January. Have you stuck with all your New Year’s resolutions? I always appreciate the chance for self improvement, but for some reason, New Year’s resolutions just don’t feel real to me. So this year, I decided to do something different. Instead of making a list of things I wanted to change in the upcoming year, I decided to reflect on some things I learned this past year. The hope is that the lessons will be my reminder for who I want to be and how I want to live in 2010.
Here are a few things I learned in 2009:
1. I can go six weeks without eating sugar.
2. I never want to do that ever again.
3. Saying what you mean and meaning what you say can be scary sometimes.
4. Speaking the truth gets a little easier each time you do it.
5. Traveling is magical, inspiring, and life-changing.
6. Traveling is challenging, confronting, and miserable.
7. It is nearly impossible for me to sleep with someone and not develop intense feelings for him.
8. Unless I’m traveling and leaving the country the following day. Then it’s just plain fun.
9. I can pee perfectly into a cup, while driving (cruise control on a highway), and not spill a drop.
10. Unless I pee so much that the cup gets filled—and I don’t realize it—and the cup runneth over.
11. I could blame the pee-smell in my car on my dogs.
12. I prefer to just tell the truth and laugh about it.
13. Giving my heart to someone who hasn’t earned it is foolish and painful.
14. Being open and vulnerable and jumping in with both feet is laudable. (However, it too may be foolish and painful.)
15. There are few things more terrifying than karaoke.
16. There are few things more liberating than karaoke.
17. A woman’s chemistry can make her crazy.
18. A man’s chemistry can make her fuckin’ batshit.
19. Instincts should never be ignored.
20. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell where your instincts start and your baggage stops.
21. Regret is a waste of time.
22. I struggle with time management.
23. I’m afraid love may not exist the way I want it to.
24. I couldn’t give up on love if I tried.
25. I will likely learn all of this all over again in 2010 (except the pee-spilling thing—lesson learned).
Read More
By Guest Blogger on January 27, 2010
Adrienne Martin
Two summers ago, I had one of those ‘a-ha’ moments. It was August and this message came to me, “What if, Adrienne, you are perfect as you are, right now, in this very moment. What if we are ALL perfect as we are right now?”
Well that idea blew away every single one of my previous beliefs and thoughts. BUT, I bought into it and spent an entire bliss-filled week living this truth. I felt lighter and happier than I ever had before. A friend told me, “You look different, better.” A complete sense of peace and wonder filled my body, mind and spirit. And it felt like I was happy for no real reason at all, as I had always relied on external stimulus to give me a feeling of happiness.
But it was fleeting. Within a week, I began to question everything and even wanted to speed up the process by trying harder at this peace and bliss, thinking I could perfect it and make it become even better. I also began to think that I was completely delusional and silly.
I now know that this was my ego struggling to stay alive. Who am I without all those past beliefs and ties? Who am I if I am not always trying to lose 20 pounds? Who am I if I am not worried about what people think? How can I be perfect, how can right now be perfect, if I am not skinny, rich and going, doing and achieving constantly?
The ego identifies with outside sources which feeds its “life.” So when we are stuck in our story, our beliefs and our attachments, we look to outside stimulus to make us whole. For me it has always been food, a boozy beverage and approval from men that make me feel whole and happy.
When I had this a-ha moment, it was like all that slipped away effortlessly. I ate when I was hungry and easily picked light, nutrient-rich foods. I was not emotionally hungry at all. I felt very creative and idea after idea came to me, many of which manifested with ease. I was very present and in the moment. And for the first time in my life I was not trying to achieve anything or beating myself up for everything (which in my life has included, believe it or not, breathing).
I long for this blissful feeling to return. These days I focus on not trying so hard. I work on finding peace in small moments of time and being truly grateful for all I have. I feel as though my body and mind need to catch up to where my spirit is, where my true being lies. My spiritual teacher told me recently, “The body is dense and your true spirit has a very high vibration so it takes time to infuse this high vibration into the reality of your physical being.”
So I am learning patience (not my strong suit) and enjoying the journey, the now. The more I do that, amazingly, the more rich my life becomes.
So what I would like to pose to you is this: What if you are perfect as you are right now? Because here is the truth. You are. You are a beautiful, wonderful being put on this earth to be nothing but happy and content. While it may be true that you feel there is more for you on your path, trust that it will come. There is so much action in non-action. I know that this contradicts EVERYTHING that we are told in our society but it is true.
Love yourself, bask in your perfectly imperfect life, look at the world in wonder, listen with full ears and a full heart, focus on the abundance that is all around you and slowly but surely, watch the magic unfold.
Adrienne Martin is a licensed acupuncturist and health and wellness educator in the Greater Boston area. For more information, visit www.adriennemartin.com.
Read More
By Terri Cole on August 4, 2009
Hello you Gandhi-like group of giving forgivers!!
“Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” -Unknown
Can we talk about forgiving? Why is it so hard to do? Forgiveness is a misunderstood notion. When I discuss forgiveness with my clients, there is usually a load of resistance and a need to express to me how I must not REALLY understand what happened or I would be recommending they beat the crap out of the offender, NOT forgive them! Trust me, forgiveness is for “us” not necessarily for “them”.
The most common misconception about forgiveness is that two people are required for it to work. This is not true. We can forgive people who are no longer here or with whom we no longer have contact. Forgiving is all about you. Holding anger or releasing it occurs in your mind. How do you want to feel? What do you want taking up space in your brain/body? It’s your choice. Forgiveness is not condoning the actions of the other party. It is not rolling over and giving up. It is not giving in or losing anything. Forgiveness is the healthy thing to do to free YOU from resentment prison. It may not be easy but its worth the effort.
Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Forgiveness will change your life experience.
People hurt us in a zillion ways big and small. Whether you are dealing with being betrayed by your spouse or cut off in traffic, you must decide to ruminate or forgive. I see forgiving as letting go of something toxic or as one of my clients would instruct, “Bless and release”. A very important aspect of being able to forgive is having your feelings understood and witnessed by an empathic other. I teach my clients a burning ritual to release resentment. Think of an unresolved injury in your life and then write an unedited letter to the offending party (living or dead), pouring out how the experience made you feel and the ramifications it had in other areas of your life. You are creating a comprehensive narrative, where the facts and the feelings co-exist, to share with a safe and trusted confidant. The witness should not comment or react (no gasping please). Their job is to be an active and sympathetic listener only. Then go to a safe place and burn the letter releasing it back into the universal energy and out of your body. Affirm I AM FREE…and feel it.
Forgiveness research gives us some scientifically based information about why forgiving is good for you-mind, body and spirit. Elizabeth Scott M.S, from About.com writes about a study done by Behavioral Medicine that found forgiveness to be associated with lower heart rate and blood pressure as well as stress relief. A different study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, found that forgiveness not only restores positive thoughts, feelings and behaviors towards the offending party but the benefits of forgiveness spill over to positive behavior towards others outside of that relationship. It is also associated with more volunteerism, donating to charity and other altruistic behaviors. The converse is true for non-forgiveness. So it is clear that holding onto resentment has far-reaching negative ramifications for life quality.
So now that we have established the why, let’s get down to the how. After your letter writing/burning exercise consider the following condensed version of The 8 Steps of How to Let Go and Forgive courtesy of Leo Babauta from the amazing website www.zenhabits.com.
1. Commit to letting go. You aren’t going to do it in a second or maybe not even in a day. It can take time to get over something. So commit to changing, because you recognize that the pain is hurting you.
2. Think about the pros and cons. What problems does this pain cause you? Does it cause you unhappiness? Think of the benefits of forgiveness — how it will make you happier, free you from the past and the pain, improve things with your relationships and life in general.
3. Realize you have a choice. You cannot control the actions of others, and shouldn’t try. But you can control not only your actions, but also your thoughts. You can stop reliving the hurt, and can choose to move on. You have this power.
4. Empathize. Try this: put yourself in that person’s shoes. Try to understand why the person did what he did. Start from the assumption that the person isn’t a bad person, but just did something wrong.
5. Understand your responsibility. Try to figure out how you could have been partially responsible for what happened. What could you have done to prevent it, and how can you prevent it from happening next time? This isn’t to say you’re taking all the blame, or taking responsibility away from the other person, but to realize that we are not victims but participants in life.
6. Focus on the present. Now that you’ve reflected on the past, realize that the past is over. It isn’t happening anymore, except in your mind. And that causes problems — unhappiness and stress. Instead, bring your focus back to the present moment. What joy can you find in what is happening right now?
7. Allow peace to enter your life. As you focus on the present, try focusing on your breathing. Imagine each breath going out is the pain and the past, being released from your body and mind. And imagine each breath coming in is peace, entering you and filling you up. Release the pain and the past. Let peace enter your life. And go forward, thinking no longer of the past, but of peace and the present.
8. Feel compassion. Finally, forgive the person and realize that in forgiveness, you are allowing yourself to be happy and move on.
Being healthy is not always easy but always worth the effort.
I will close with an Oscar Wilde quote that made me laugh because it is so true.
“Always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them as much.”
You know I am here to help.
Go make Gandhi proud!
Love Love Love
Your Crazy Sexy Life Coach
Terri
Read More
