By Guest Blogger on March 20, 2012
I was widowed at 27.
I had a 1-year-old daughter and a 3-year-old son.
And I hadn’t worked a day in my life.
My finances were a complete disaster, and I suffered from depression, too.
Yet, through it all, I vowed that my burdens would not become my children’s, and thankfully I succeeded beyond my expectations.
And you can succeed too, if you consider the following six gems I learned over the past 11 years:
1. I am exactly where I need to be.
At one point in my life, everything was in disarray. Even the numbers on the clock. How could I be where I was, when I was? I, who was so focused and passionate about oxygenated water and wheatgrass shots for vitality, epitomized contradiction in my fight against my new reality.
And where did my fighting get me? Cursing, regretting, cowering away from the beauty — yes, beauty — that God had bestowed upon me.
But wisdom dawned upon me: I am, and always have and will be, exactly where I need to be. God doesn’t make mistakes. My interpretation of events, and my fear and stubbornness were at fault.
Life, on the other hand, was dealing me the perfect circumstances to actualize my incarnation — every moment was a blessing, a chance for me to remember who I am, who we all are and thereby take that one step closer to eternal peace, joy and wholeness.
So no matter what life throws at you, know that you are exactly where you need to be.
2. You have to go through it to get through it.
Approximately seven months into my new “widow/single parent” status, I fell apart. For two days I cried. I sobbed. With every cellular memory, I hurled out the pain, loss, terror, anger, fury, the amalgamation of disaster I had been averting — but truthfully, only storing.
But one Sunday night, I realized I had to go through it to get through it.
I realized this is not only good for you; it’s necessary. There can be no future in the past — we all know that one. But more than that, we have to experience the experiences to fully and finally lay them to rest.
So be in your emotions. Pull in your BFF or a therapist. But go through the garbage that’s holding you back because …
3. Even God can’t add to something that’s already full. Ditch negative feelings.
I used to think God is all powerful — but now I don’t.
You see, even God can’t add to something that is already at full capacity. And when I was filled with the joys and bitterness of life — stagnation set in, because unless I could ditch the negative — the jealousy, anger and resentment I schlepped along, — even God couldn’t deliver me more of the great stuff.
And so I forgave. I forgave my own humanness and of those around me, because I want to be free, because I have compassion for myself and for them.
Self-righteous poison is poison nonetheless. Ditch the negative garbage, and take responsibility for your happiness. You’ll be so glad you did!
4. My body is gorgeous – and I should treat her as such. Hell yes! But boy did that take a long time to sink in!
Eternity — I kid you not — left me with a cruddy body image. I don’t remember ever feeling comfortable in my own skin, or being satisfied with, let alone loving, my reflection.
And once again: epiphany! This body keeps me going, on and on. This vehicle carried and fed my babies; it nurtures and loves me with every breath and heartbeat despite the abuse I shove on it. Hell, that’s some kinda special body.
And thus, enter: My body is gorgeous! My body is strong! My hips are fantastic just as they are because they carried and delivered two precious souls into this world.
And this divine presence that manifests as my flesh and my physical being deserves the absolute best!
We are all magnificent. We are all gorgeous. We are all God’s expression and for that no less than perfect.
That perfection deserves respect. Deserves love. Deserves care. Deserves no more crap let inside.
Comfort eating has nothing to do with loving myself. Finding excuses not to exercise was unsupportive to the God-power within me. That had to change.
I don’t diet. I love and support my body. I’m gorgeous. And so are you!
5. I am not here to better other people’s lives.
I am here to lovingly support people who want that support, who ask for that love and who increase my sense of well-being.
I am not here to fix other people or their problems, and certainly not at my expense. I am nobody’s Prozac.
But so many of us think we are, and we lose the essence of our own lives in a quest to save others.
BS!
I’ve had to make some tough calls on vampire-like people (those who suck the life out of us). Not wanting to offend them for concern for their well-being.
Sweetie, martyrdom ain’t sexy!
Look out for yourself. Don’t go about intentionally hurting others, but don’t sacrifice your life in the process.
6. I am the God particle and worthy of unconditional love — but it all starts with me.
If I don’t love me, nobody will.
Tough one to grasp!
But we are both magnificent creations: You and I.
And we need to learn how to recognize that beauty and light within us. We need to nurture that rejected child, that angry adolescent, that frustrated adult within.
We need to love and embrace every aspect of who we are to ever appreciate the love and acceptance of others.
Your very existence makes you worthy of unconditional love. I want you to know that.
Kerri Baruch is a holistic life and nutrition coach passionate about inspiring and leading women to discover, embrace and nurture their Inner Princess. Personal experience and much training have brought her to love her life and her body and she does the same for you – holistically, compassionately and lovingly.
Photo credit: Peter M.
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By Guest Blogger on July 4, 2011
Along the path of spirituality and personal growth, and as you awaken to who you truly are, there may come a point where you hit a wall on your journey. Maybe it’s that even though you have come to a high level of self-love, you just can’t seem to embrace yourself unconditionally. Or, maybe there is a dream or goal that you feel is so true to you, but it’s just not happening. Or, maybe your relationships don’t seem to be working out, and aren’t as deep and loving as you want them to be. Whatever your challenge may be, oftentimes it is the unexamined “shadow” parts of us that are holding us back. Owning our shadows is an incredibly transformative process that allows us to fully love ourselves for all that we are, and to step into the beauty, light and love that is who we are.
Just what is the shadow that I am referring to? First introduced by Carl Jung, and taught by Deepak Chopra and Debbie Ford, among others, the shadow is simply all of the “dark” parts of your ego. It’s all the crap that you don’t like, that you don’t want others to see, and you don’t even want to see in yourself. It’s all the qualities of your personality that you judge as ugly, disgusting, gritty or embarrassing. It’s all of the things that you hide from, judge and think are nasty. Now, the first thing that may be coming to your mind is “If I don’t like these parts of myself, why on earth would I want to own them? If I just pretend they don’t exist, or just don’t acknowledge them, they will go away.” Well, not exactly. Debbie Ford has this great comparison to a beach ball: What happens when you try to push and keep a beach ball under water? It keeps popping up to the surface! You spend a ton of energy trying to keep it from floating up to the surface; but no matter what you do, it will eventually pop on up. It’s the same with your shadow. These repressed qualities and emotions of the personality, often even hidden from you, will rear their heads and show up in self-sabotaging ways. You probably don’t even know it is happening. Luckily, though it is not easy work, there are ways to identify your shadows and then own and eventually come to love them.
Before I share these techniques, I want to explain a few things regarding shadow work. First, we are all both “all of it” and “none of it.”
“Huh?”
What I mean by this is that we are all everything in this universe. We are all light and dark, rich and poor, virtuous and evil, extroverted and shy. We are all one, and we all express the same qualities or have the ability to express the same qualities simply because if I am it and you are too. We are not separate. Remember this when embarking on this work to help you not to judge yourself ? you are a human being, and what is in you is also in everyone else. And, at the other end of it, at the heart of it all, we are none of it, because as our true authentic and enlightened selves, we are pure love, compassion and beauty. These qualities and emotions that we see as dark or evil are just parts of our egos, they are not who we are. But, it is important to embrace them and love them to become our authentic selves and clear away the darkness that gets in the way of our light.
Second, the goal of shadow work isn’t to “get rid” of these parts of you; it is to see them, accept them, embrace them, and find the gifts in them so that you can use them to your advantage and not have them popping up at inopportune times. By loving them, you release their hold on you and allow yourself to love yourself more fully.
Identifying Your Shadow Parts
If you pay a little attention, it is very easy to see when a shadow is shouting at you. Most often it shows up in people around you as something that you judge, don’t like or annoys you. Are you often surrounded by people you judge as angry? Or as pushovers? Or as overtly sexual? Anytime you see something in someone else that you don’t particularly like, you have a great opportunity to identify one of your shadows. Another way to notice a shadow is to identify things about yourself that you try to hide from yourself and others. Are you messy but keep a spotless house for when you have company? Do you deep down think you are a bitch, so you act as nice as possible to others in hopes that they don’t see what you see? Other ways to identify shadows are: write out every word that you would be upset if someone called you, notice if a certain emotion seems to take control of you suddenly and uncontrollably and notice if people often tell you that you are a certain way but you don’t see it.
OK, now that you have most likely identified quite a few shadows, how do you work on accepting and integrating them? When you have some time, in a safe and comforting space:
1. Identify a time when you embodied that quality or aspect in your past. What happened? How did you feel when this occurred? What did you believe at the time? (Often this situation occurred in childhood.) If you can’t identify a time when you embodied the quality, think of a situation in which you could.
Allow yourself to experience compassion for yourself and for the situation. Forgive yourself for judging yourself as whatever your quality was. Really feel this and give yourself the love that you deserve. If you need help expressing compassion toward yourself, picture yourself as a young child or picture someone you love very much.
2. Identify what this aspect of yourself is here to teach you and what its gifts are. You can even name this part if you want! For example, one of my shadows is Mean Melissa. She came about in middle school when I thought the only way to be liked was to be super nice and that if I was “mean,” no one would be my friend. She ruled my life for a very long time; whenever the fear of not being liked or accepted popped up, I would do whatever I deemed as “nice” in that moment, no matter if I wanted to do it or not. I was terrified that people would think I was mean. But, because I stuffed her away, Mean Melissa would pop up every so often in ways that were detrimental to me (especially in my relationship with myself). When I asked Mean Melissa what she was here to teach me, I learned that she was teaching me that it is better to be whole and true to myself than nice, that what others think of me doesn’t matter to me, and that I am loveable just the way I am. Her gifts are power, determination, acceptance and passion (which got stuffed away for a long time along with Mean Melissa!).
3. Ask this aspect what it wants from you. Maybe it wants recognition, or love, or for you to slow down, or for you to have more fun in your life, or for you to take better care of yourself. Listen to what this quality wants from you and give it to it! Mean Melissa told me to stand up for myself more and be true to my opinions.
4. When you feel you have completed integrating this quality, acknowledge yourself for the work you just did! You are amazing. Really hear that.
Often you will notice things in your life starting to shift as you accept more and more of your shadows. You won’t need to use precious energy hiding these parts of yourself, and you have freed up the authentic qualities that are truly who you are.
Erinn Selkis has been studying holistic nutrition, psychology and alternative medicine for over three years, and loves helping others live healthy and happy lives. She is a health counselor and compassionately supports her clients to improve all aspects of their lives through nutrition and personal growth.
Photo credit: rustman
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By Guest Blogger on March 9, 2011
by Jackie Vecchio
Practice can be infused into every corner of your life. What is it that you desire the most? To be an amazing vegan chef? To learn to love your body? To be more kind, or less judgmental? Practice, baby, practice! There is nothing that can’t be viewed as a practice. In fact, I’d say that every single thing we do is a practice. As ever-evolving and growing beings, that is what we’re here for! Learning and shifting and improving.
Practice is showing up. Practice is listening to that little voice that knows what’s best for you and saying “I’m here.” Practice is laying down your yoga mat, breaking out the juicer, lacing up your sneakers, snapping pictures on your new fabulous camera, or sitting down with a pen and paper to write whatever comes up. By embracing the idea of practice, your life transforms. Nothing can be taken too seriously because — you’re just practicing! You allow yourself to grow organically because you move out of your own way.
Practice:
1. Releases perfectionism. When you show up to that thing you want to build in your life and give it all you can in that moment, that is enough. You are focusing on the present and starting where you are. Sometimes you make a big leap forward and sometimes you don’t; but it’s all good, because it’s just practice!
2. Focuses on the journey. I say we get rid of the dreadful phrase, “practice makes …” I can’t even say it (see #1). Practice is not about the endpoint. There is no endpoint! That is the amazing thing. Remember, all you need to do is show up. Find the lesson in each practice. For example, if yoga is your practice and you are having a particularly hard time with each pose, maybe the universe is sending you a little message to rest, to not power through, but to lie down and recharge. If writing is your practice and you’re experiencing “writer’s block,” maybe you need to get outside and live! And play! Or, find your muse in nature.
3. Inspires growth. Inevitably you’ll experience what could be viewed as a “setback” in your practice. No big deal, you’re just practicing! There is no such thing as a setback. Once upon a time, one unhealthy meal would send me into a downward spiral of guilt and junk food. “Throw it all to hell,” I would think and revert back to my old ways, putting a halt on any growth I could’ve made. I’ve since learned to view my healthy lifestyle as a practice. When you show up each day, regardless of yesterday, or even a minute ago, your growth is limitless.
Make a list of your desires and tack them up on a vision board. Take a look within and see what areas need consistent love, focus and nurturing. Start off each day with the intention of meeting yourself halfway. Show up and do your thing. Dedicate yourself to your practice and know that anything you may encounter on your journey is all part of it. Be kind and gentle with yourself because after all — it’s just practice!
Jackie Vecchio is a holistic health and lifestyle coach who helps women create thriving health so they can feel energized, motivated and empowered to follow their heart and live their passions.
Photo credit: uwdigitalcollections
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By Kris Carr on February 16, 2011
V-day Vavoom Vixen,
First and foremost, I hope you had an nourishing Valentine’s Day! A date with self, partner, potential partner, friend or inner BFF. My Valentine’s Day was absolutely perfect because I did nothing. No restaurants, no movies, no plans. We ordered from my favorite restaurant, Garden Cafe and ate out of the cartons in front of the TV – in pj’s, dog on sofa. Now I know that’s not the most actualized way of consuming a meal, but I LOVED it. I loved wearing no makeup, slippers and old cozy shit. After coming off of the most glorious and seriously revolutionary weekend at Kripalu (with about 150 vibrant wellness warriors – who I will LOVE forever) I needed to turn off the Crazy Sexy and chillax. I needed to be normal, boring even. It was a perfect way to end a perfect weekend.
Eight years ago when I was diagnosed with an incurable canSer on Valentine’s Day, I never would have imagined that this day would ever be typical. I thought it would always have bittersweet meaning and in some ways make me sad. Nope. The only time I actually thought about canSer was when I posted a comment on Facebook. That’s a huge milestone for me, and I need to sit with it, marinate in it, bear witness to my growth. In fact, there has been so much growth in a relatively short period of time. But guess what? I often fall into the trap of wanting something so badly, meditating on it, vision boarding the shit out of it, getting it, cheering about it for 30 secs, checking it off the list, and then moooving on to the next want. Do you do that? Gosh if that isn’t an example of needing to be present I don’t know what is. It will never be good enough if we don’t notice the victories. We’ll always be on the run. The promise land will always be out of reach and people will always fall short or let us down.
Notice what ya got soul sister. In fact, do this with me, notice one thing RIGHT NOW. Sit, close your eyes, take a deep breath and acknowledge the one positive thing in your life, something that has shifted towards the light.
Can you share that growth gem with us?
Here’s another one of mine (besides writing a New York Times Best Seller, woo-to-the-hoo!): I used to think that without my health I had nothing. Now I know that without my happiness I have nothing. And though I still have canSer, I have more joy than ever. I need to let that into my cells more, into my mind more, into my heart more. It’s all really good. And I am really grateful. But when I’m on the wheel I forget and tighten up. I bet you can relate, no matter what your thing is.
Open your eyes and notice the growth with me. That’s the best V-day present this crazy sexy gal could get.
Peace and a 30,000-foot view (breath-taking),
Kris
Photo credits: duncan, MissNatalie
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By Rory Freedman on February 1, 2011
I don’t have any New Year’s resolutions, and I’m okay with that. I’m actually more than okay with it. I’m glad about it. Enough already with the lofty goals. And even with the small ones. It’s too much. A friend recently voiced how bad she felt because she wasn’t working, wasn’t making any money, wasn’t feeling like a productive member of society. She said she felt like she had a big “L” on her forehead for “loser.” Luckily, a very wise acquaintance of hers gently and smartly offered that, “Maybe the ‘L’ is for ‘learning.’”
Archimedes said, “Give me a place to put my lever and I shall move the world.” Being that he was a mathematician, physicist and engineer, he likely meant it in the physical sense – that with the right placement, a lever could move anything. But to me, it reads, “Give me a place to put my energy and I shall change the world.” And I fully believe, wholeheartedly, that each one of us has the power to do just that. Which is all good and fine when you know exactly what it is you were put on this planet to do. But more than ever, it seems like so many of us are lost and floundering. We don’t know what we’re supposed to do with ourselves, our passions, our lives. And that can be pretty uncomfortable – painful, even.
So maybe it’s time to do nothing, in a sense. I’m not suggesting we all loaf around in our bathrobes, depressed and lethargic, watching TV and stuffing down feelings with food. (Although everything has its time and place.) I’m suggesting a purposeful and mindful stepping back, and recollecting and reconfiguring. But not too much reconfiguring. More of an allowing. A creating of space – a quiet, simple, reflective, meditative, open, encouraging, fecund space – a mental, emotional, psychic arena that allows an inflow. An inflow of what, I don’t know. And that’s exactly the point. This isn’t “Figuring It Out 101.” This is getting still and quiet for however long it takes to silence the mental noise, the outside noise, the parental noise, the neurotic noise, the coulda-shoulda-woulda noise, and finally being able to hear what’s been there all along. Every single one of us has a divine purpose. A divine talent. A divine calling. But it’s really hard to hear when we’re buried under work, responsibilities, dysfunctional relationships, computers, cell phones, and the myriad of addictions that are slowly but surely snuffing out all our light.
Yes, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” (Lao Tse, philosopher) But that was never followed up with, “So hurry up and get crackin’.” Maybe the first step is a step backward, or a step down, or an unsteady, unsure step. It’s okay to not know what you’re doing here and now. It’s actually more than okay, it’s perfect. “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” (Rainier Maria Rilke, poet)
We weren’t born into these bodies in these lifetimes to have all the answers. We came here to learn and experience and grow. So maybe, just for now, don’t swim against the current, or try to solve the puzzle of your life. Maybe the answer is much easier and simpler. Like, “Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.” (Ovid, poet)
Photo credit: Richard Hume
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