Your Fascinating Relationship with Money: How Healing Your Finances Can Heal Your Life

Money is at the core of our fears and anxieties. As an individual, family, country and world, it affects us on every level, among people of all races and economic backgrounds. We all have a “money story” that begins in our childhood and continues into our adult life in the form of a love/hate dysfunctional relationship. It is one of the top stressors and can destroy our relationships, self-esteem and health.

• “I can’t lose weight because healthy food is too expensive.” We continue to abuse our bodies and health.
• “I can’t start this business because I can’t afford to leave my job (where I’m overworked and drained).” We stay in jobs that no longer serve us.
• “I have to stay in this relationship because I can’t afford to leave.” Our children continue to be brought up in unhealthy homes.
• “I can’t go on vacation because I don’t have any money.” We use money stress to keep us from really experiencing life.

Take a look at your life. Do you feel abundant, peaceful and in control? Are your relationships calm, happy, effortless? Or do you feel anxious, out of control and in denial? Now take a look at your financial life. Do you see similarities? The state of our finances is often a direct reflection of the state of our lives. How do you want your life to look?

There is a common misperception that gaining control of our finances means sacrifice, restriction and pain. In reality, gaining control and healing our relationship with money means freedom, control and peace.

Everywhere you turn there is fear. Fear of another recession, home foreclosures, a stock market crash. We have to stop perpetuating the fear and start creating healthy habits. Think of how our world would look if each person made their financial house a priority and really lived their best life. Imagine the lives that would change and the families that would be saved. It has to begin with each of us. With these four steps, begin the process of healing your relationship with money. Be a part of a greater change in the world.

Forgive
The first step in healing any relationship is forgiveness. If you feel like you have made any money mistakes, write them down all down on a piece of paper. Take a moment to breathe and truly forgive yourself. Know that whatever pain you’re feeling isn’t permanent. Take the piece of paper and shred it. It’s time to start fresh and look view your world from a place of peace and abundance.

Choose
Now that you’re ready to start fresh, it’s time to choose the kind of life you want to live and let money be the tool to get you there. Think about what you really want your life to look like. Where do you want to live and work; what kind of food do you want to nourish your body; how you want your relationships to make you feel? What does your best life look like? Decide, and let money be just a tool to get you there.

Act
Write down two things that you are going to start doing immediately to get you closer to your desired life. For example, I will start paying attention to how I spend my money. Conscious spending is all about matching your values (desired life) with your actions. Decide exactly what you’re going to do to start paying better attention, and write it out.

Witness
Witness your life change. Take notice of how you feel – less stressed, less strain between you and your partner, increase energy, more clarity. When you get rid of your money noise, your life starts to open up.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” – Gandhi

Karie Hill is a financial freedom coach for women. She focuses on removing financial barriers and healing relationships with money from the inside out.

Finding My Authentic Self

I remember going to my parents’ house with a black and blue mark on my arm. As soon as my dad saw it he said, “What is this?” My response was, “Oh, my bike was leaning against the wall in my apartment and it fell on me.”

He said, “Well, it looks like a hand mark.” I just denied it, but in reality my dad was right. My boyfriend at the time had grabbed my arm in a disagreement and pushed me against the wall. During our relationship, I had bruises on my arms and legs (not from being hit but from being pushed around). I had been pushed out of a car, talked down upon and manipulated into doing things that went against my core beliefs and values. The relationship ended when I found out he had other relationships besides ours.

For the longest time I blamed myself for what happened to me. How could I allow someone to hurt me like that? What was wrong with me?

However, that experience also encouraged me to commit to working on myself. I was blessed that I had a friend to mentor me and take me under his wing. He gave me nothing but unconditional love, listened without judgments and helped me to see not only my greatest potential, but my authentic self.

After a few years of working with my mentor I finally understood why I allowed myself to be in such an abusive relationship. It was so easy for others on the outside to see the dangers, but it wasn’t until I got out of the situation and started working on myself and loving myself that everything started to make sense to me.

I wanted to please my ex so much and wanted our relationship to work so badly that I became someone else. I thought that if I couldn’t make this relationship work then I was a failure. In reality I wasn’t a failure; I simply wasn’t living authentically. I wasn’t being me. I also didn’t feel that I was worthy of being in a loving relationship and deep down I didn’t respect myself. It was a limiting belief that I needed to release.

Today, I am in love with life, and I know exactly what I want. Being in an abusive relationship made me a stronger person, and now I can give you the tools that have helped me rise above my circumstances. I learned that it’s all in your mindset. When you think negatively and don’t think highly of yourself, it trickles down to every aspect of your life including attracting toxic relationships that don’t serve you.

Here are a few simple and effective steps for building your self-respect, confidence, self-esteem and motivation. As you build these qualities within yourself, you will also cultivate the strength to let go of any abusive or toxic relationships.

Forgive.

I blamed myself for not being good enough. I thought if I tried harder to be the best girlfriend, he would stop abusing me. The more I tried the worse it got. My mentor had me say an affirmation that really helped me move on. “I release the past, it is complete, and I am free.” I wrote this on a piece of paper and put it above my toilet so I would read it everyday until I believed what I was reading. I had to forgive myself for choosing this relationship and then let go of the past.

I also had to forgive my ex. When he would abuse me it really meant that he was abusing himself. I can now imagine putting up a mirror in front of him while he was belittling me or even pushing me around. This is how he felt about himself. He didn’t have self-confidence either, and we were reflecting each other. I forgave him for not knowing any better and prayed that he find the confidence in himself to be the best person he can be.

Get rid of any attachments.

During the time we were dating I had accumulated pictures, gifts, cards and even furniture from my ex. It was important to get rid of these items because then it meant that I was not holding onto the energy of our relationship. First, I gathered all of the papers, cards and pictures that I had and burned them. I then took those ashes and threw them into the water. To me this symbolized erasing any negative energy from our relationship. Secondly, I donated the furniture, clothes and other items that I didn’t want to burn. After I let go of these objects, my apartment and my whole being felt lighter.

Surround yourself with positive uplifting people.

I once saw a video with Marshall Sylver where he said, “You are the average of the five people you hang out with the most.” I have never forgotten that quote. In fact I have it in my bathroom along with other quotes. He was so right.

I was hanging out with so many negative people (including my ex) that I started to think the way they thought. So I crowded the negative people out by bringing in a bunch of positive and uplifting people. Guess what? These people liked me! They didn’t treat me or view me negatively the way my ex did.

Love yourself unconditionally.

I saved the most important step for last. Give yourself unconditional love! Can you look at yourself in the mirror and say “I love you”? For the longest time I couldn’t do this. I always criticized myself.

When I took a step back and realized that this was not serving me, I decided to start loving myself. I did this by following my intuition, which is always right; rewarding myself when I accomplished something; nurturing my mind, body and soul with whole foods; being in gratitude and living each day with grace and ease.

Michelle Perrone is a lifestyle, health and fitness coach. She empowers her clients to ignite their inner and outer sexy by finding their personal power, healthy eating and fitness, and uncovering their hidden passions.

The Grudge: How To Embrace Forgiveness

By Jess Ainscough

“Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.” –Harriet Nelson

At some point in our lives, each and every one of us experiences betrayal by friends, lovers, family members or that person on eBay who sells you a fake Louis Vuitton bag after she stated it was authentic. No one and no relationship are exempt from deceit. This little gem of wisdom could turn you into quite the cynic if you allow it. Finding the courage and willingness to forgive someone who has been disloyal can be the hardest thing in the world. But the ability to understand and practice forgiveness will lead you to a life that many people are too stubborn to experience. And the benefits of letting go of a painful situation far outweigh the bitter taste of betrayal.

You may think that forgiveness means condoning the actions of the person who hurt you. In reality, the person who feels the full emotional and physical brunt of your unrelenting grudge is yourself. By practicing forgiveness you can let go of expectations, blame, resentment, guilt and judgment, and allow yourself more energy to focus on the positive things in your life. There is no point trying to change people. We can only work on ourselves. Ask yourself, do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?

The ability to forgive was a trait I chose to embrace with open arms at an early age. After feeling the gut-wrenching pain of multiple stabs to the back and experiencing the dark depression that follows such an attack, it occurred to me that forgiveness was my only ticket back to a sunny disposition.

When I was 16, I was betrayed by both my best friend and my boyfriend at the same time. He was my first love and I thought he was the best thing since the sausage roll. Looking back now, I realize that it wasn’t really love. But to a 16-year-old girl, he was everything. To cut a long and tired story short, five months into our romance my friend decided she thought he was a bit of alright too. She stroked his ego, made it obvious she was interested, and in no time at all they hooked up.

The worst part of the situation was that everyone knew about it except me. The whole thing read very much like the script of a tacky soap opera, and I played the part of the victim perfectly. I was heartbroken. I lost all faith in the sanctity of both love and friendship. My pure, rose-colored outlook on life was severely tainted, and for a long time my optimism was compromised.

The betrayal I suffered was quite mild compared to other cases, but at the time I thought it was the end of the world. In a situation like that the easy option would be to simply cut the person out of your life, and in some cases this is a necessary action. But even if you take it that far, harboring resentment and bitterness will only lead to further personal trouble. You can only really move on if you have truly forgiven.

Here are a couple of ways to get the forgiveness ball rolling:

-Repeat affirmations such as, “I now lovingly forgive (name of person or event).”

-Write a list of all the people who have hurt you. Take some time to sit quietly by yourself, close your eyes and visualize each person one by one. Now picture yourself approaching them, and say to them “I forgive you.” Then imagine all the animosity you felt between you evaporating into the air as a dark mist.

When we refuse to let go of issues and harbor bitterness, we are only hurting ourselves. When we choose to forgive, we are choosing to be free of the past and not perceive ourselves as victims. Once we’re alleviated of the burden that comes with bitterness, we will have more energy to focus on all the good things in life. Life becomes rosy again.

Jess Ainscough is an Australian-based freelance writer and the creator of the natural healing blog, the Wellness Warrior. Before being diagnosed with cancer in 2008, Jess was a social reporter and online editor for a teen magazine. After leaving her job to focus on her health, she now spends her time drinking carrot juice, meditating, practicing Bikram yoga and learning everything she can about healing.

Spiritual Intimacy

By Cora Poage

“I just don’t know if Ben is spiritual enough for me.” I found myself saying this to a fellow Spiritual Psychology student last weekend regarding my partner of 8 years.

“Or maybe he doesn’t go as deep in conversations or something. I just don’t feel like I am completely heard or seen by him. I don’t think we have much spiritual intimacy. It’s almost like we speak different languages about this stuff.”

“Hmmm…” my wise counselor responded. “Do you think you have EVER felt this kind of spiritual intimacy with Ben?”

I closed my eyes, blinked back tears, and remembered the first summer we met: It was the Exploration Summer Program, Boston, 2002. I saw him from across the room at the Staff Orientation. Our first conversation felt like magic; the flow to our communication, so organic, even Divine. “Who is this angel in a (hot) male’s body?” I wondered.

His blue eyes danced with spirit, his laugh, deep with connection to Source, and his very Being personified faith. It felt simple then to surrender to his love, our love. We were so innocent. Spiritual intimacy was natural. The term “soul mates” even comes to mind. We were best friends in a breath, partners in a heart beat…in love with each other for life.

“Yes, yes,” I said. “Absolutely, I have felt this kind of intimacy with Ben.”

“Would you like to tell me more about what has happened since that first summer?” she asks.

Our Story flashes through my head, my heart. What has lead us to where we are now?

My own Irrational Beliefs around marriage and men come to the surface in a torrent of emotion. I hear them: “All marriages end in divorce. It is only a matter of time before someone is unfaithful. Husbands try to tie their wives down. I have to have four kids and cook like Martha Stewart to be loved. He says he supports my dreams, but I don’t believe it.”

Deep Breath. Are any of these really true for Us? No. Not at all; although I don’t think Ben would mind a pot roast dinner once in awhile. Hell, neither would I!

Deep Breath. Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that all marriages end in divorce. I forgive myself for assuming that because my parents got divorced a couple times, I will, too. I forgive myself for judging Ben as a chauvinistic tyrant. (Couldn’t be farther from the truth!)

I look up in my counselor’s face and I see love, support, light. “This is helpful. I feel more open to my marriage. But what about this whole spiritual intimacy thing?”

I close my eyes again, and I hear him. Who? ECKHART TOLLE… I didn’t even know I had this quote memorized!

“Outflow determines inflow. You can’t receive what you don’t GIVE. What you think the world is withholding from you, you already have.”

The tears flowed, with gusto this time. I pictured Ben’s beautiful face and I realized the Truth. My irrational belief that Ben wasn’t “spiritual enough” came from my own FEAR of intimacy. WHOA!

My fear is that if I open up from my deepest Authentic Self, from my place of Divine Love inside he will leave, get scared, or abandon me. Suddenly, I feel a strange mix of both empowerment and deep annoyance. “You mean this is up to me? I have to take action?”

And a new voice from within: “Yes, honey. This is up to you. You built the walls. Now you get to knock them down.”

Deep Breath.

Deep Breath.

Deep Breath.

“If you let yourself be truly seen, then you can be truly loved.” -Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK)

I dedicate my Blog Post to you, Ben. My lover, my teacher, my partner in life, and my very best friend. I vow to break down the walls, brick by brick, as I open up to you more and more, as I “let myself be truly seen.” Forgive me for these irrational beliefs that I have held around you and marriage up until now. I am releasing them; they do not serve me. I am open to a spiritual intimacy with you and I am enthusiastically and lovingly holding a safe space for you to open up to me as well.

In closing: When Ben and I were engaged, I shared a story with him about a woman who had been divorced once. When her boyfriend requested her hand in marriage, she said she really had to think about it. She was delving into an amazing career and was really focused on self-care, her son, and her own dreams. She asked for two weeks to go up to her family’s cabin and deliberate.

After only one week, there was a knock on the cabin door. There was her boyfriend with a box in his hand. “I know I was supposed to let you be alone for two weeks, but I wanted to bring this to you.” She opened up the box, and inside there was a rock and a feather. “I’m the rock, and you are the feather,” he said, “Go pursue your dreams, your independent goals. I am here for you. I can be your home base.” She decided to marry him.

I shared this story with Ben. I said, “Can’t you relate? Don’t you think I’m the feather, and you’re the rock?”

He smiled at me, took my hand, and said, “You are my rock AND my feather.”

I am choosing Love. I am choosing Faith. I am choosing to believe in that highest good of all.

And Ben, you are my rock AND my feather.

Cora Poage lives in New York City with her incredible husband Ben (her “other” soulmate) and her two crazy kitties. She is the owner of Super Woman Health, a company offering wellness coaching for learning to eat, exercise, and live intuitively.

Why Is It So Damn Hard?

Hello you Gandhi-like group of giving forgivers!!

“Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” -Unknown

Can we talk about forgiving? Why is it so hard to do? Forgiveness is a misunderstood notion. When I discuss forgiveness with my clients, there is usually a load of resistance and a need to express to me how I must not REALLY understand what happened or I would be recommending they beat the crap out of the offender, NOT forgive them! Trust me, forgiveness is for “us” not necessarily for “them”.

The most common misconception about forgiveness is that two people are required for it to work. This is not true. We can forgive people who are no longer here or with whom we no longer have contact. Forgiving is all about you. Holding anger or releasing it occurs in your mind. How do you want to feel? What do you want taking up space in your brain/body? It’s your choice. Forgiveness is not condoning the actions of the other party. It is not rolling over and giving up. It is not giving in or losing anything. Forgiveness is the healthy thing to do to free YOU from resentment prison. It may not be easy but its worth the effort.
Gandhi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

Forgiveness will change your life experience.

People hurt us in a zillion ways big and small. Whether you are dealing with being betrayed by your spouse or cut off in traffic, you must decide to ruminate or forgive. I see forgiving as letting go of something toxic or as one of my clients would instruct, “Bless and release”. A very important aspect of being able to forgive is having your feelings understood and witnessed by an empathic other. I teach my clients a burning ritual to release resentment. Think of an unresolved injury in your life and then write an unedited letter to the offending party (living or dead), pouring out how the experience made you feel and the ramifications it had in other areas of your life. You are creating a comprehensive narrative, where the facts and the feelings co-exist, to share with a safe and trusted confidant. The witness should not comment or react (no gasping please). Their job is to be an active and sympathetic listener only. Then go to a safe place and burn the letter releasing it back into the universal energy and out of your body. Affirm I AM FREE…and feel it.

Forgiveness research gives us some scientifically based information about why forgiving is good for you-mind, body and spirit. Elizabeth Scott M.S, from About.com writes about a study done by Behavioral Medicine that found forgiveness to be associated with lower heart rate and blood pressure as well as stress relief. A different study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, found that forgiveness not only restores positive thoughts, feelings and behaviors towards the offending party but the benefits of forgiveness spill over to positive behavior towards others outside of that relationship. It is also associated with more volunteerism, donating to charity and other altruistic behaviors. The converse is true for non-forgiveness. So it is clear that holding onto resentment has far-reaching negative ramifications for life quality.

So now that we have established the why, let’s get down to the how. After your letter writing/burning exercise consider the following condensed version of The 8 Steps of How to Let Go and Forgive courtesy of Leo Babauta from the amazing website www.zenhabits.com.

1. Commit to letting go. You aren’t going to do it in a second or maybe not even in a day. It can take time to get over something. So commit to changing, because you recognize that the pain is hurting you.

2. Think about the pros and cons. What problems does this pain cause you? Does it cause you unhappiness? Think of the benefits of forgiveness — how it will make you happier, free you from the past and the pain, improve things with your relationships and life in general.

3. Realize you have a choice. You cannot control the actions of others, and shouldn’t try. But you can control not only your actions, but also your thoughts. You can stop reliving the hurt, and can choose to move on. You have this power.

4. Empathize. Try this: put yourself in that person’s shoes. Try to understand why the person did what he did. Start from the assumption that the person isn’t a bad person, but just did something wrong.

5. Understand your responsibility. Try to figure out how you could have been partially responsible for what happened. What could you have done to prevent it, and how can you prevent it from happening next time? This isn’t to say you’re taking all the blame, or taking responsibility away from the other person, but to realize that we are not victims but participants in life.

6. Focus on the present. Now that you’ve reflected on the past, realize that the past is over. It isn’t happening anymore, except in your mind. And that causes problems — unhappiness and stress. Instead, bring your focus back to the present moment. What joy can you find in what is happening right now?

7. Allow peace to enter your life. As you focus on the present, try focusing on your breathing. Imagine each breath going out is the pain and the past, being released from your body and mind. And imagine each breath coming in is peace, entering you and filling you up. Release the pain and the past. Let peace enter your life. And go forward, thinking no longer of the past, but of peace and the present.

8. Feel compassion. Finally, forgive the person and realize that in forgiveness, you are allowing yourself to be happy and move on.
Being healthy is not always easy but always worth the effort.

I will close with an Oscar Wilde quote that made me laugh because it is so true.

“Always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them as much.”

You know I am here to help.

Go make Gandhi proud!

Love Love Love
Your Crazy Sexy Life Coach
Terri