Be Willing To Suck (At It)

My father once told me that God gave me the talent to be an artist.

Art was my passion.

My dream was to get a Bachelor of Fine Arts in fiber arts. My work during those college years was presented in a show and is in a book about handmade felt. Oh, how I could get lost in that creative place for hours, days, weeks and months!

But I gave up my desire to be an artist in 1978.

I clearly remember thinking that if I couldn’t be the best, why bother? I wasn’t willing to not be the best. My ego won the game. My soul lost.

Seth Godin asked these wonderful questions in one of his blog posts: “Is perfect important? Do you feel the need to fail privately, not in public? How long can you wait before it feels as though you’re succeeding? How open are you to receiving criticism?”

These are thought-provoking.

I phrase it slightly differently. You have to be willing to suck. What does that mean exactly? It means you are:

-Willing to appear stupid.
-Willing to be disappointed.
-Willing to be embarrassed.
-Willing to show up and take action.
-Willing to accept whatever comes back to you -– be it praise or criticism.
-Willing to be vulnerable.
-Willing to do what you love no matter what anyone thinks.
-Willing to break the rules.
-Willing to be fearless.
-Willing to risk feeling shame.
-Willing to do what you want to do, not what others want you to do.
-Willing to look underneath shame and acknowledge the universal belief with which we all struggle, from time to time that tells us, “I am not good enough.”

Brene Brown, Ph.D,. is a research professor at the University of Houston’s Graduate College of Social Work. While studying shame, vulnerability, courage and authenticity, she has learned that shame is best defined as the fear of disconnection. “If other people find out _________ (fill in the blank with your fear), I will be rejected.” Brown postulates what is underneath shame is the same old fear or belief, “I’m not good enough.” There it is again, rearing its ugly head.

And I see it on a daily basis with my clients. There is always a fear that holds them back from doing something they are passionate about. It shows up in a variety of flavors: “I’m not smart enough, thin enough, experienced enough, beautiful enough, or rich enough.” The true belief underneath these false thoughts is fear is of being vulnerable. I believe this is what stops us from fulfilling our soul’s destiny.

Some people have a strong sense of self-worth. They feel worthy of connection and love. What Brown found was that these people have a sense of courage. They are willing to be imperfect. They know how to be compassionate with themselves and others. And what I loved most in reading Brown’s work is the evidence that these people, with a strong sense of their own worthiness, are authentic. They are willing to let go of who they “should” become and just be themselves with all their flaws.

I want to share this idea with you: Be willing to show your warts, your flaws and all your imperfections and love those parts of yourself. They make up who you are. You’ll discover that people love you much more for being exactly who you are because you were willing to be vulnerable enough with us to share that part of yourself with us. That builds a bond of trust.

What’s fascinating about vulnerability is when we move through it, without numbing ourselves with food, alcohol, the Internet, shopping, TV or other ways to distract ourselves from feeling, we actually become happier and more connected to those around us.

When we numb-out a stressful feeling, we numb-out the good feelings as well – happiness, joy, play and fun. The antidote is self-love. Practice random acts of kindness towards yourself.

I think I have an Annie Hall quality to me. It’s the spacey part of me that will shortcut my mind and blurt out something outrageous at the wrong time. Or I might ask the dumbest question you’ve heard in a long time. It’s a quirky side of me that I have found funny and endearing. It has taken a long time, but I have now fallen in love with “her.” I embrace her.

Just know that what makes you who you are is your whole self, not the façade and not the “Little Ms. Perfect.” Be willing. Be courageous. Be fearless. Be vulnerable.

How do you do that? Try looking back on times in your life when you have experienced adversity. Where were you courageous? Where were you willing to ask for help when you were vulnerable? Where did you take risks? This is how you know your own level of resilience. You can count on yourself by remembering how you got through it. This will help you find ways to be proud of yourself. Learn to take risks and expand your comfort zone. The more you do, the more you live up to your full potential.

Lots of very successful people have embraced this idea.

Steve Jobs said, “I’m the only person I know that’s lost a quarter of a billion dollars in one year … It’s very character-building.”

Over the years, I have developed a philosophy regarding success: The more times I strike out, the more chances I have of hitting a home run. I call it my “Hank Aaron” philosophy. I am willing to take a risk, to not do it perfectly, and to keep upping my game.

Hank said, “I have always felt that although someone may defeat me, and I strikeout in a ball game, the pitcher on the particular day was the best player. But I know when I see him again, I’m going to be ready for his curve ball. Failure is a part of success. There is no such thing as a bed of roses all your life. But failure will never stand in the way of success if you learn from it.”

Now, 34 years later, my soul is calling me back to art – back to photography – a new form of art that I want to practice. The game is not over yet.

Here’s the difference: I am now willing to suck at it because I love it.

Sherold Barr is a life purpose, business coach, and freedom fighter for women who want to find their calling, master their fears and complete the impossible. She’s writing a digital manifesto called “The Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Was 30: a baby boomers manifesto to Gen X and millennials.”

Photo credit: Cavale Doom

Illuminating Your Shadow

Along the path of spirituality and personal growth, and as you awaken to who you truly are, there may come a point where you hit a wall on your journey. Maybe it’s that even though you have come to a high level of self-love, you just can’t seem to embrace yourself unconditionally. Or, maybe there is a dream or goal that you feel is so true to you, but it’s just not happening. Or, maybe your relationships don’t seem to be working out, and aren’t as deep and loving as you want them to be. Whatever your challenge may be, oftentimes it is the unexamined “shadow” parts of us that are holding us back. Owning our shadows is an incredibly transformative process that allows us to fully love ourselves for all that we are, and to step into the beauty, light and love that is who we are.

Just what is the shadow that I am referring to? First introduced by Carl Jung, and taught by Deepak Chopra and Debbie Ford, among others, the shadow is simply all of the “dark” parts of your ego. It’s all the crap that you don’t like, that you don’t want others to see, and you don’t even want to see in yourself. It’s all the qualities of your personality that you judge as ugly, disgusting, gritty or embarrassing. It’s all of the things that you hide from, judge and think are nasty. Now, the first thing that may be coming to your mind is “If I don’t like these parts of myself, why on earth would I want to own them? If I just pretend they don’t exist, or just don’t acknowledge them, they will go away.” Well, not exactly. Debbie Ford has this great comparison to a beach ball: What happens when you try to push and keep a beach ball under water? It keeps popping up to the surface! You spend a ton of energy trying to keep it from floating up to the surface; but no matter what you do, it will eventually pop on up. It’s the same with your shadow. These repressed qualities and emotions of the personality, often even hidden from you, will rear their heads and show up in self-sabotaging ways. You probably don’t even know it is happening. Luckily, though it is not easy work, there are ways to identify your shadows and then own and eventually come to love them.

Before I share these techniques, I want to explain a few things regarding shadow work. First, we are all both “all of it” and “none of it.”

“Huh?”

What I mean by this is that we are all everything in this universe. We are all light and dark, rich and poor, virtuous and evil, extroverted and shy. We are all one, and we all express the same qualities or have the ability to express the same qualities simply because if I am it and you are too. We are not separate. Remember this when embarking on this work to help you not to judge yourself ? you are a human being, and what is in you is also in everyone else. And, at the other end of it, at the heart of it all, we are none of it, because as our true authentic and enlightened selves, we are pure love, compassion and beauty. These qualities and emotions that we see as dark or evil are just parts of our egos, they are not who we are. But, it is important to embrace them and love them to become our authentic selves and clear away the darkness that gets in the way of our light.

Second, the goal of shadow work isn’t to “get rid” of these parts of you; it is to see them, accept them, embrace them, and find the gifts in them so that you can use them to your advantage and not have them popping up at inopportune times. By loving them, you release their hold on you and allow yourself to love yourself more fully.

Identifying Your Shadow Parts

If you pay a little attention, it is very easy to see when a shadow is shouting at you. Most often it shows up in people around you as something that you judge, don’t like or annoys you. Are you often surrounded by people you judge as angry? Or as pushovers? Or as overtly sexual? Anytime you see something in someone else that you don’t particularly like, you have a great opportunity to identify one of your shadows. Another way to notice a shadow is to identify things about yourself that you try to hide from yourself and others. Are you messy but keep a spotless house for when you have company? Do you deep down think you are a bitch, so you act as nice as possible to others in hopes that they don’t see what you see? Other ways to identify shadows are: write out every word that you would be upset if someone called you, notice if a certain emotion seems to take control of you suddenly and uncontrollably and notice if people often tell you that you are a certain way but you don’t see it.

OK, now that you have most likely identified quite a few shadows, how do you work on accepting and integrating them? When you have some time, in a safe and comforting space:

1. Identify a time when you embodied that quality or aspect in your past. What happened? How did you feel when this occurred? What did you believe at the time? (Often this situation occurred in childhood.) If you can’t identify a time when you embodied the quality, think of a situation in which you could.

Allow yourself to experience compassion for yourself and for the situation. Forgive yourself for judging yourself as whatever your quality was. Really feel this and give yourself the love that you deserve. If you need help expressing compassion toward yourself, picture yourself as a young child or picture someone you love very much.

2. Identify what this aspect of yourself is here to teach you and what its gifts are. You can even name this part if you want! For example, one of my shadows is Mean Melissa. She came about in middle school when I thought the only way to be liked was to be super nice and that if I was “mean,” no one would be my friend. She ruled my life for a very long time; whenever the fear of not being liked or accepted popped up, I would do whatever I deemed as “nice” in that moment, no matter if I wanted to do it or not. I was terrified that people would think I was mean. But, because I stuffed her away, Mean Melissa would pop up every so often in ways that were detrimental to me (especially in my relationship with myself). When I asked Mean Melissa what she was here to teach me, I learned that she was teaching me that it is better to be whole and true to myself than nice, that what others think of me doesn’t matter to me, and that I am loveable just the way I am. Her gifts are power, determination, acceptance and passion (which got stuffed away for a long time along with Mean Melissa!).

3. Ask this aspect what it wants from you. Maybe it wants recognition, or love, or for you to slow down, or for you to have more fun in your life, or for you to take better care of yourself. Listen to what this quality wants from you and give it to it! Mean Melissa told me to stand up for myself more and be true to my opinions.

4. When you feel you have completed integrating this quality, acknowledge yourself for the work you just did! You are amazing. Really hear that.

Often you will notice things in your life starting to shift as you accept more and more of your shadows. You won’t need to use precious energy hiding these parts of yourself, and you have freed up the authentic qualities that are truly who you are.

Erinn Selkis has been studying holistic nutrition, psychology and alternative medicine for over three years, and loves helping others live healthy and happy lives. She is a health counselor and compassionately supports her clients to improve all aspects of their lives through nutrition and personal growth.

Photo credit: rustman

Transform Your Typical Gym Workout with Mindfulness

I find it amazing how many distractions are in most modern health clubs that keep people from being in the present moment. There are televisions on every piece of cardio equipment, magazines everywhere and pumping music coming from all corners. At any given minute you could be hearing an advertisement coming from the radio and television while at the same time reading one in a magazine! It truly is sensory overload. Why is it that we have to preoccupy ourselves just to get through a workout? I love to watch a great movie, and I also like to read a good magazine. But when most people have a magazine or television in front of them during exercise, they’re anything but present.

If you’re not mentally present when exercising, all you’re really doing is going through the motions and burning calories. Often when people exercise without mindfulness, their body is under extra strain. They may have already been loaded with excess stresses from the day (poor posture, excess emotional stress, poor breathing habits, etc). It does take a little bit more discipline to be completely present in your workouts, but think of it as loving discipline rather than forced, brute discipline.

A very common scenario is that after sweating it out without any mindfulness, the exhausted person goes home and pigs out on more calories than they burned during the workout. Later comes regret, guilt and all those other nasty feelings that add more strain and turmoil to the body. Most people don’t even realize they’re doing harm to themselves as they’ve gotten so used to these patterns.

It’s amazing how we can become addicted to anything: emotions, drugs, lifestyle habits, exercise, etc. Just like any other addiction, when you change a deeply rooted habit, you may experience some withdrawal symptoms. They’ll mainly be ego-related withdrawal symptoms. You may feel like complaining, bitching, or you might just feel grumpy and victimized about the change. Simply recognize that these feelings come from ego, and they will pass if you stay connected to your breath and the present moment.

Rather than just having another typical workout, why not make it something incredible? Why not bring the benefits of yoga and meditation into your workouts? With practice and a little bit of loving discipline you can go inside yourself and make your typical workout a healing, sculpting, detoxifying manifestation session. Step out of the ordinary and into the extraordinary: Make your workout a spiritual experience.

If the thought of your workout being spiritual makes you gag, think of it as a transformational experience. You can literally sculpt and strengthen your body with your thoughts. You can also heal your body and change deeply rooted negative thought patterns with your thoughts. I’m not saying to just sit on the couch for the rest of your life and think of a lean, healthy, balanced body. That won’t do anyone any good. As humans we’re meant to move!

The universe will provide for you what you think about most, and it’s important to visualize what you want in your life as being a part of your life now, not tomorrow or next year. This may sound like common sense, but most people tend to think of what they don’t want to happen in life without even realizing it. Don’t give creative power to doubt, fear or any other life-draining thoughts. While visualizing what you want to manifest, be completely grateful for what you already have in your life. Then send what you desire to manifest out from your third eye (between your eyebrows and eyes) into the universe.

If fear or doubt pops up into your mind, observe this ego trait (the ego loves us to feed it with fear), and come back to your vision and your breath. The more you bring yourself back to the present moment, the easier it gets. Again, it does take practice and patience. Elite athletes and coaches have been using visualization techniques for quite some time now. Scientific research is showing just how effective this ancient technique is, so why not give it a shot?

After you have set your intention for your workout, sit tall and meditate on your vision. Your meditation doesn’t have to be long. Experience even just a couple of minutes of meditation to immerse yourself in your vision and the present moment. I like to allow 20 minutes for myself.

At first, your ego will probably try and find distractions to take you away from your meditation. Rather than reacting to the ego’s urges, simply observe when this happens. Then bring yourself back to your breath and your intention. With practice you will be able to make your whole workout (no matter how intense the workout is) a moving meditation. This calm, focused state will flow into all areas of your life.

Now it’s time to work out! While keeping your mental vision of what you want to manifest nice and clear in your mind, enjoy putting your creative energy to work as you exercise. Like I said before, the gym can be sensory overload, and it can be easy for the mind to become scattered. A valuable practice can be to not let external stimulus shake and rattle your internal calmness. If it truly is too much and it distracts you from being calm and focused, take your workout outside and connect with nature.

Rather than always doing exercise, doing yoga, doing weights, doing sports, doing, doing, doing … simply be health, be yoga, be vibrant, be love and just be! Isn’t that better than slogging it out on the treadmill while watching the news or reading gossip?

Namaste.

Stuart Watkins is a holistic fitness and lifestyle coach based out of Australia. Stuart’s love for travel and new knowledge has taken him all around the world, while achieving certifications as a Holistic Fitness Practitioner, Holistic Life Coach, Yoga Teacher, Personal Trainer, Massage Therapist and Stress Management Specialist. He draws on his knowledge in these areas to ensure each of his clients journey to true health and happiness is in good hands.

Photo Credit: Jerryonlife

11 Tips for Dealing with Criticism

Criticism sucks. If you’re being rightly criticized, your ego needs to shake it off like a wet dog and keep wagging its tail. And if you’re being unjustly ‘dissed, you’ve still got to keep your ego limber so that you can objectively fight for your dignity. Either way, criticism is a call to be your classiest self.

11 TIPS FOR DEALING WITH CRITICISM:

1. Expand. Sometimes criticism stings because we know the criticizer has a valid point. After you’ve done the inner wince, take a deep breath and get back in the ring. And look, just because you may need to clean up your act a bit, it doesn’t mean that you’re a full scale loser. We’re all just bozos on the same bus, as my dear friend Donna would say. So literally, take a deep expansive breath, with your fists unclenched. You sustain less injury when you do NOT brace for impact. I guess that’s why they call it “rolling with the punches.”

2. Admit that it stings. “Ouch. That’s hard to hear. But I’m up for it.” Honesty when criticized is a great equalizer and a show of nobility and maturity.

3. Don’t react…yet. Sometimes it’s best to just listen and simply say, “I’ve heard you. Let me process what you’ve said and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” So many of us are so adrift from our deep sensitivity that it takes some time to clearly know how we feel. So just take the time, it’s better than a half-cocked reaction that you’ll regret. And if you do say something you regret, or you don’t say what you think you should have…

4. Go back to it. Feel free to bring it up again, even if it was a closed subject. “I thought more about what you said and I just wanted to let you know that…” It’s better to clear the air after the fact than it is to bury your feelings.

5. Be compassionate to your criticizer. This can really soften the situation. Giving honest criticism is no fun for most people, and it’s often a case of, “This is going to hurt me as much as it might hurt you.”

6. Consider the source. As Ralph Waldo Emerson put it, to succeed is to “earn the appreciation of honest critics.” So firstly, you need to consider your source and their motivation. If you feel you’re being inaccurately criticized, then you need to say so in no uncertain terms. This is tricky because you may be perceived as being defensive. In this case, it’s good to refer to point #3. Collect your thoughts and give a rebuttal that shows your strengths {I’m a rock star because I…} and describes the challenges of the situation {I’ve been operating on a dime budget…}

7. Don’t take any shit. Sometimes you have to play hardball. I once got a super crappy performance review from a manger at a retail job. I got on the phone right away and called the big cheese. “There’s no way I’m signing this review and there’s no way I’m quitting. I think she’s losing her marbles.” My knees were shaking but I knew I had to do it. As it turned out, I wasn’t the only person complaining about Crazy Manageress. She left shortly thereafter. And guess who got promoted?

8. Know your rights. Sometimes there are legalities to consider. Your job may be on the line. If you lip off, and it leads to a dismissal, you want to know what your rights are … employers may need to formally warn you in writing, etc. You also have the right to be treated with respect no matter how severely you screw up. Criticism given without care is irresponsible.

9. Bring closure to it. If you’re being asked to improve in some way, then ask for specific measurables…you can’t run a race if you don’t know where the finish line is. Be extra diligent about checking in on mutual satisfaction.

10. Say thank you. Whether you’ve been rightly our wrongly critiqued, say thanks…either way, it’s a learning opportunity.

11. Lick your wounds. Bruises need icepacks and hotbaths. Be sweet to yourself because tomorrow is another day and you’re up for the ride. Life never dishes out something you can’t handle.

A note on how to know when criticism is on the mark or way off base: There were times in the past when I received inaccurate criticism, and I would start to cry. Crying in front of your boss is very rarely a good thing, I don’t care how progressive your organization is. Because I had boundary issues {“sure, I’ll do four times the work and make sure you look like a superstar,”} I used to take on criticism without questioning it at all. I thought that if their feelings were hurt or they saw room for improvement, then surely they must be right and I must be wrong. My tears were an indication of confusion, and for me, confusion is an indication that something is very definitely untrue.

When I’m being rightfully called on my stuff, I actually have the opposite reaction…I feel a strange sense of relief and communion. It’s usually a, “Eeeshk, I know, I suck at that. I’m a total loogan when it comes to that. Sorry. Thanks. I’m so glad you get me.” Of course, I’m just as often defensive as I am classy — just another bozo on the bus.

More questions? I’m game.

Photo Credit (top): amboo who?

The Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Was 30

A Baby Boomer’s Letter to Millennials and Gen Xers

Fifty isn’t what it used to be. For my generation, it’s like a brand new decade. Because we are living longer, healthier lives, I may reach 100. I’ve lived a great life so far and have even bigger plans for its second half. However, I lived too many years chained to The Man. I thought the American Dream meant consumption, and I bought it – hook, line, and sinker.

I am writing to tell you what helped me wake up to reality. What I know for sure is that external “things” do not make a meaningful or inspired life. I want to share what I’ve learned to help you experience more freedom and joy, and inspire you to help my generation save our living planet.

My Top 10:

1. Your body is your guidance system. Tuning into your body gives you rapid feedback. Your body communicates through emotions and energy. Move toward what gives you a spark, and move away from what leaves you feeling exhausted, and your body will lead you to your best life.

2. Thoughts are the cause of all suffering. If you stay in a job that deadens you, it’s a thought that keeps you there. If you find yourself stuck, it’s because of a story. Any thought that keeps you from being happy is a lie! If you want to feel freedom, question your thoughts. Change your thoughts, and you can transform your life.

3. Your inner lizard is pumping out lack and attack fears. Let’s talk about how our brains are wired. All animal brains include reptilian cores. Martha Beck calls it our inner lizard. Its purpose is to pump out survival fears all day long. When we listen to it, we become anxious and fearful and this blocks our creativity and problem solving abilities. The solution? Become the watcher of your thoughts and notice those lack and attack thoughts. You don’t have to listen to your inner lizard.

4. Screw the rules! Like the bumper sticker says, “Question Authority.” Question all thoughts, beliefs, social and cultural conditioning, and dogma. Screw these rules! If you are living by someone else’s rules, then you aren’t following your own destiny. Learn this now, or you will wake up at midlife feeling trapped.

5. The world of work is changing. Internet guru Seth Godin says it well – today, the good jobs go to linchpins. He says, “Linchpins leverage something internal, not external, to create a position of power and value.” Your own creativity and passion are your best work assets.

6. You and only you are responsible for your own happiness. Get this into your head right now. If you don’t learn this now, you will learn it when you are my age. You will wake up and realize that you’ve lived someone else’s life. It’s up to you to edit out what doesn’t give you fire, meaning, or happiness.

7. Dream your next big adventure. Envisioning what you want has real power. By setting intentions daily and managing your thoughts, you will reach your goals. This is called deliberate creation, and it is the only way to create the life you desire.

8. Be willing to suck at it! If you want to learn something new and get good at it, you have to be willing to suck at it. The key is to “be willing” and put your ego on the shelf while you are learning. So don’t let fear stop you from learning something new. Just be willing to suck as you learn it.

9. The material world will not bring you true happiness. My generation was taught to think that happiness and success come from consumption. Materialism doesn’t bring you happiness. The media keeps feeding our need to buy more (appealing to our inner lizard of lack) and then we end up in our 50s or 60s with too much stuff and chained to The Man. We ask ourselves, “Is this all there is?” I am not saying that having abundance is a bad thing. What I am saying is that it is not the answer to happiness. Try hearing your soul’s answer to these questions:

-Who or what inspired me today?

-Where did I experience a sense of comfort, peace, and balance?

-What (not who) made me happy today?

10. The world needs our help. Paul Hawkins noted that your generation “…will have to figure out how to be a human being on earth at a time when every living system is declining, and the rate of decline is accelerating.” We need your energy, passion, and commitment to help us save our living planet. We raised you to believe that you could accomplish your dreams. How can you harness your power and passion to save our planet?

The answer is to become aware. Eckhart Tolle says that humans have lost touch with the stillness inside and our connection to nature. We have forgotten what animals and plants still know – how to be. In stillness we can find what we need to save the planet.

That’s what I wish I’d known before I was 30. I hope you can use these 10 things to start living better now. The world needs you.

This manifesto is dedicated to Max Barr.

Sherold Barr helps others reimagine and reinvent their lives and careers to be more meaningful, joyful, and fulfilling. She is a master certified coach with “best-known life coach in America” Martha Beck, and a facilitator in The Institute of The Work of Byron Katie. For more information on Sherold visit Sheroldbarr.com.

Photo Credit: Zyada