By Gabrielle Bernstein on February 3, 2012
Let’s face it: Sometimes romantic relationships can be totally nightmarish instead of wonderful. While there are a lot of reasons romance can be tough, most of the time the chaos begins within.
As a student and teacher of the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles, I’ve come to understand how our ego (fear mind) wreaks havoc in the romantic arena. The Course guides us to see how we project our fear and neuroses onto our current partners–and it shines light on how we seek completion and self-worth in the arms of another.
Let’s demystify the ways the ego gets to work in romance–here are some of the big illusions that can really take us down.
Diggin’ Up the Past
Many people carry disastrous relationship experiences from the past into the present moment. Holding on to anger from your last relationship inevitably transfers negative vibes to the next one. This anger sabotages the possibility of creating a healthy new relationship, keeping you rooted in your history instead of the now.
Future Tripping
Do you envision walking down the aisle after just one date? If so, trust that you’re not alone. The ego loves to future trip when it comes to romance. When the ego runs your romantic life, it’s easy to get caught up in the belief that you’re unsafe without a romantic partner. This mentality hooks you into future tripping, because without that future plan you feel incomplete. The result? It puts tons of pressure on your partner … and makes you seem like a major head case for planning that far ahead.
McSpecial with a Side of Fries
I’m gonna be blunt here: When your source of happiness is another human being, you’re totally screwed. The ego convinces you that all the love you need is in one “special” person. This is what the Course calls a “special love relationship.” This kind of relationship isn’t like your other relationships–you come to believe you need this one special person to feel whole. The special love relationship is exclusive, and it makes that one person better than you and everyone else.
But the ego doesn’t stop there. It convinces you that you can’t live without this “special” partner, which is the root cause of codependency. This fear-based thinking leads you to do whatever it takes to make that special person happy so that they don’t leave. You become inauthentic and subservient so that you don’t lose your special relationship. You put the needs of others in front of your own and deny your true feelings. And it’s all done in the name of special love.
Sound familiar? I bet it does. Romantic relationships are the ego’s playground, and nine times out of ten our ego will turn the chance of romantic bliss into a freakin’ horrorshow by feeding us illusions.
The first step towards clearing the ego’s chaotic perception of romance is to become brutally honest about how you dig up the past, future trip and make partners special. Looking at your ego head-on is a powerful way to weaken its grip.
A Course in Miracles teaches us that relationships are opportunities for awesome spiritual growth. Rather than get all heady about what went wrong in the past, let’s focus on what you can change today. Outlined below are key principles that will help guide you to release fear in romance and cultivate more love in your life.
No One is Sent to Anyone by Accident
A Course in Miracles teaches us that there are “no chance encounters.” All encounters offer us the opportunity to transform fear to love and create a miracle. Accept that relationships are assignments to learn and grow. This new attitude will allow you to begin to appreciate the partner who brings up all your funky issues–because you’ll know the learning that is available to you.
Special ain’t so special
Ask yourself whom you have made special. It’s likely that the same lucky person is also the person you attack most in your mind. Special love makes us neurotic, controlling, and insecure. We think we love our special partner, but really we fear them and hate them for not calling back or doing what we want them to do. We feel so beholden to this special partner because the ego makes us believe that we’re missing something and that we can only feel complete in the arms of someone else. Set yourself free from your special illusions by simply recognizing whom you have made special. When you recognize this ego chaos, you diminish its power. You can see the ego in action and choose to begin the process of letting it go.
The Invisible Matchmaker
A beautiful practice that A Course in Miracles suggests is that we turn our relationships over to the care of our inner guide. When we consciously allow our ego to run our romantic life, we stay stuck in nasty patterns. Invite the spirit of love to guide your perceptions. Simply say: “Spirit, Inner Guide, God [whatever you wish], I invite you to take these fears from me. Help me release my romantic fears from the past and my need to control the future. Clear space for fearless love.”
MediDATE
Another major tool for releasing romantic fears is to begin a meditation practice. Begin your MediDATING practice with an awesome forgiveness meditation:
Sit comfortably in a quiet space.
Breathe deeply in your nose and out your mouth.
In your mind’s eye invite your partner into your meditation.
(It can be someone you’re currently in a relationship with or someone from your past. It can even be someone you’ve dreamed of being with.)
Hold a vision in your mind of this person standing before you.
As you breathe in envision a ball of golden light growing in your heart.
On the exhale extend this light to your partner.
On the inhale breathe in the light.
On the exhale extend the light.
Continue inhaling and exhaling until all you see is light.
Whatever your relationship status–whether you’re married, single or dating–taking these steps can be truly transformative. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, so take this opportunity to release romantic fears and clear space for more love.
Want more powerful romance tips and meditations? Join me on Feb. 8 on LiveStream Video or in New York at ABC’s Deepak Homebase for my MediDATING launch lecture. Get all the details here: www.gabbyb.tv/mediDATE.
Photo credit: Darwin Bell
Read More
By Guest Blogger on May 17, 2011
By Catherine Phillips
Although the doctor’s voice was pressed firmly against my ear, the words “You have cancer” echoed from a distant tunnel of doom. During the initial shock of my stage IV red alert, my thoughts instantaneously bolted to the darling faces of my babies (they’re 10 and 6 years old, but I still call them my babies). Those words should be enough to catapult any mommy into a radical lifestyle shift essentially overnight, complete with vegan virtue and alkaline awareness. (Thank you, Kris Carr.)
It wasn’t long after my diagnosis shakedown that I also wondered “How on earth do I maintain a social life for the next eight months, amidst toxic IVs, invasive biopsies, radioactive scans, untimely nausea and inconvenient hair loss?” Despite the advanced stage of my disease, my prognosis was pretty good, so I wasn’t going to sit around and take a beating. I was going to get a grip and live my life. Don’t get me wrong, I was undoubtedly consumed by the thought of my own mortality at this point, and at times the look from the oncologist was worrisome. What I did have control over was what I chose to do with my time during the yellow brick road to recovery.
So, I mastered green drinks, committed to meditation and yoga, and pursued the dating scene. You see, I had signed up on an online dating site two months prior. Now here I was … poked, prodded, scarred and scared, yet ready to date! Why not? Cancer is a part of life. Why should I put my life on hold? So, I hopped back online and made a slight alteration to the heading of my profile: “I have recently been diagnosed with cancer. Messages are still welcome.” To my surprise the messages poured in: concern about my health, compliments about my brave nature, prayers for a speedy recovery and random men asking me out right and left. Do they want to be my heroes? Do they have ulterior motives? Did they even read the first line of my bio? Here’s what I learned while navigating the dating scene during chemo:
Let him make the first move
As a somewhat vulnerable woman with a serious illness, I have a rule: I wait for the men to make the first point of contact. I graciously accept messages and winks, and then I proceed. It’s hard enough for a woman to make the first move, but add cancer to the mix and I would feel diseased and desperate. Surprisingly enough, there are plenty who do make the first move. The only problem I have is keeping them all straight!
Can he handle this?
I had several dates with a very handsome man who knew everything about my illness and what I was going through. One night he had me over for dinner, and I told him that I had gotten an infection in my right breast from a biopsy procedure a few days prior. The evening transitioned into an intimate encounter that resembled something straight out of an HBO sitcom. He said “Uh, which breast do I avoid? And which side is your chemo port on?” All I was thinking is “Damn this health crisis. He can’t touch this breast and the port is directly above the other one. Crap, look at the clumps of hair on his pillow. And why are these lights just bright enough to see every scar on my body?” Needless to say, we never went out again. Talk about a diagnosis ditch! This scenario didn’t affect my confidence; it merely reminded me that some men can’t handle the intensity of cancer.
Honesty is the best policy
As my hair began falling out due to the chemo, I gradually transitioned into shorter styles and eventually when I started to look like a balding infant with a comb over, I shaved it off completely. I informed each potential date of my current hair status prior to meeting. One day a lovely man asked me out over the phone, and I told him I was just about to shave my head and wondered if he was still interested in meeting. He said “I think that’s quite understandable for a cancer patient – although if you have a skull tattoo on your scalp that may change things.” Another guy responded in a similar fashion, stating “Well, I appreciate your honesty, but it’s not that big of a deal; your hair doesn’t matter in the big picture.” Wow, my faith in man (kind) was certainly being restored.
Be authentically beautiful
The physical changes that take place for a cancer patient can be devastating. The simplistic logic of my 10 year old really put things into perspective when she said “Mommy, I like it when you don’t wear a hat. You’re being your true self.” That’s all it took to embrace the quirkiness of cancer and chemo. So I started rocking the bald head at work as well as around town. One word: liberating. Glam was in full force at this stage. Without hair, I dared to accessorize. I worried less about my next doctor’s appointment and more about what shade of lipstick I was going to wear. I draped myself in clothing that made me feel comfortable and sexy and, if it happened to expose my obtrusive port, I just explained that I was part robot.
Oddly enough, there are some perks to being sick; I just had to be open to finding them, like the lack of my period and shaving for example. But the most profound validation presented itself while on a date. A man walking by told me I could be a supermodel and then proceeded to tell my date he was a lucky guy. Wait, I have cancer. How could that be? I was shocked. It must have been the Euro punk look that I’ve been sporting these days.
Trust your magical intuition
If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. I was repeatedly cancelling dates with a particular guy, and it finally occurred to me that something didn’t feel right, so I didn’t go out with him. I always meet my date in a public area at a decent hour and always tell someone when and where I am going.
Healthy makes it happen
I would not have the energy to date if it wasn’t for my stellar consumption of all things healthy. My thoughts are on track and my nourishment supports my new lifestyle. Once upon a time, I would have calmed my jitters with a glass of wine before a date; now I thoughtfully consume my custom green nectar to fuel me for the night.
Give back
With absolute gratitude I recently started volunteering for the American Cancer Society Look Good, Feel Better program, which offers beauty techniques and support for women going through chemo so they too can feel confident while living their lives – which might include dating!
In conclusion, may I say in the words of Chuck Woolery, I hope all of your dates are good ones.
Catherine Phillips has been a spa therapist for 15 years. She currently works at Raindance Spa in Sonoma, California, where she is destined to come into contact with those who seek coaching, healing and wellness. Catherine is also a writer and a dating coach.
Photo credit: Tirzah
Read More
By Guest Blogger on August 3, 2009
Welcome back to Meatless Monday! Are you going to join your pals at CSL in making meat-free chow choices today? Check out this astounding fact (more here): 2,000 gallons of water is needed to raise 16 ounces of red meat (approximately 2 Big Macs)! Just think of the difference you can make just by giving up meat once per week. Today’s blogger is Jasmin Singer, National Advocacy Organizer and Advocacy Campaign Team Manager for Farm Sanctuary. Jasmin is here to share her perspective on how being vegan not only affects your dinner plate, but can also influence your love life. Visit her blogs, Making Hay and Zaftig Vegan.
Rules for Dating:
1. Must be tall and handsome (or at least 5’7” and not hideous).
2. Must be gainfully employed (or at least have a really good internship).
3. Must live within 30 miles (or at least on this continent).
4. Must be male. (Well, probably…).
5. MUST be vegan!
You know that commercial where the really hunky guy smiles and winks at the pretty girl, and she starts to approach him flirtatiously and hopefully? Then when she gets there he takes a drag of his cigarette and she sees that his teeth are brownish and he’s really not that sexy anymore, so she makes a disgusted face and walks away? If that commercial were to exist in Veganopia, the seemingly-sexy guy would automatically become unpalatable as soon as the enlightened woman noticed his hamburger or milkshake. Just before the woman sneered in disgust, you’d see an X-ray vision of the man’s enlarged prostate and clogged arteries. Then, the TV screen would say “Meat and Dairy Kill,” with a background picture of a downed pig or cow being prodded to stand up.
Okay, back to reality. If you’re a vegan in the market for a date or a lifelong lover, you might be forced to reassess the rules. But where do you draw the line when looking for your him or her? If veganism is bolded and underlined in your dating rulebook, does that mean you are looking for a lover with the same ethical bottom line as you, so that you know right-off-the-bat you already share a worldview, which (though obvious to us), is still in the vast minority? Or are you closing yourself off to possibly “converting” a would-be romantic prospect to a life of cruelty-free choices, thereby losing the opportunity to save hundreds or thousands of lives from unnecessary cruelty and death?
The vegansexual dilemma is one that many of us will face. Ingrid Newkirk believes that it’s our obligation to date non-vegans, turn ‘em vegan, and then move on to the next guy or gal. But what if you just can’t palate the idea of getting intimate with somebody who partakes in the commodification that is the very thing you work so hard to fight? Or maybe it ain’t that deep; maybe, to you, it’s just plain gross to think of kissing someone who just ate a dead bird.
If you don’t feel married to the idea of vegansexuality, then pulling an “Ingrid” might be in order. Since a vegan saves hundreds of lives a year, think of how many you could reach by veganizing your lovers with the lure of compassionate cupcakes, good old-fashioned education, and a side of sex. (After all, vegans taste better.)
But what of the vegansexual with a yearning to find a significant other? The problem arises when you realize that it’s slim pickins in the vegan world of dating. It’s useful to determine for yourself what’s gotta give. Is it your partner’s religion? Their body type? Perhaps even their gender?
As for me, I dated and converted my share of meat-eaters. Some of my exes have gone on to do the same for others, spreading veganism as if it were sexually-transmitted! A little over two years ago, however, I was faced with a quandary. I was in the beginning stages of dating two people: One was a long-standing vegan animal rights activist, and the other was veg-curious. Through sex, truth, and videotape, the veg-curious became vegan. That was my cue. Feeling as though I’d paid my dues, and after years in the dating game where I sometimes felt more like a humane educator than a girlfriend, I wanted to settle down. So I chose the animal rights activist, and after several months of my begging, she chose me back.
There were a few things which made us seem like an odd couple. Aside from our dramatic age difference, there was the fact that we had each dated men in the past but had recently been bowled over (then gotten over) by women. So in addition to healing from lost-loves, we were still trying on the word “lesbian” for size, and muddling through the awkwardness and beauty of the starting stages of an unusual new romance.
Though I can’t say I ultimately leaned toward women because there were just four men on veggiedate at that time (all of whom I’d unsuccessfully dated), I have to say, the scarcity of men did have an impact. For me, sexual preference was always a bit fuzzy (I was engaged to a man at twenty). I was of the mind that it was the person that took the cake, not the appendage. And since I wanted that cake cruelty-free, my mind was open. For me, my ultimate what’s-gotta-give factor was gender.
If you’re thinking, Crap! I’m already vegan, now I have to be gay too?!, the answer is no, of course you don’t. In no way am I suggesting that 1.you need to bat for the same team in order to find vegan love, or 2.everyone is even capable of being attracted to someone of the same sex. Nor am I suggesting that homosexuality, any more than heterosexuality, is always a choice, rather than an imperative – there are many people we all know who have been gay from the moment they were conceived. I was merely pointing out that sexual fluidity has its vegan charms…just ask my partner.
So, to be vegansexual or not to be vegansexual? Take a look at your rulebook. Figure out where you can bend, and bend there. If you find the right person and they aren’t vegan yet, be patient – they might come around. If they don’t, then it probably wasn’t meant to be (IMHO). Your veganism is the best part of you; you should be with someone who gets that, even if they don’t at first.
And that should be your one unbendy rule.
Read More
