Radical Self-Love

For much of my life, my identity was wrapped up in achieving (more accurately, overachieving) and caring for others. Though neither professional success nor the genuine desire to help others are bad, “Am I enough?” kept popping up. Just me. Not the me who cares for people or the me with a killer C.V., but rather some core part of me that exists at a deeper level than these things I do. What about when I am just being?

My journey from “I am not enough” to radical self-love took me on a solo backpacking adventure through Europe. What better way to practice trusting in my enough-ness than to spend three months exploring my inner landscape (while taking in some beautiful external landscapes)? As I prepared for this trip with intentionality, the old voices fought back: “You’re being too self-indulgent.” “You should be more dedicated to your career.” “You could be doing countless more “productive’ things.” I also feared the amount of time I would spend in solitude: “What if I am unbearably lonely?”

Challenging these voices and setting out alone took courage and an adventurous spirit, as it was no small feat for this recovering overachiever to leave North America without knowing the route she would travel or where she would hang her hat each night. It also took copious amounts of self-love.

Self-love led me to an incredible vista in Cinque Terre National Park, trusting my intuition’s suggestion to finish a hike alone, rather than with some fellow hostellers. Gazing at the Mediterranean, I realized that this moment was no less beautiful for not having someone by my side. I could celebrate and witness it for myself.

Self-love challenged my worship of doing and allowed me to rest in countless funky cafés and gorgeous parks. As I became more self-assured, the old voices needed to find new guises: “Why don’t you study a language or seek meaningful volunteer work?” “Now that you’re in (name of European city), you’ll need a highly detailed agenda.” “You’ll be returning home soon and you haven’t figured out your entire life’s path/attained spiritual enlightenment.” Acknowledging those voices as patterns that no longer served me, I smiled and wished them farewell.

Taking language classes or volunteering would have made my trip more familiar; however, the purpose of this journey was not to be at the top of my beginner Italian class. Nothing needed to be done “when in Rome,” except remain present in each moment and trust it was enough. My journey took me from actions of self-care to a rooted foundation of self-love, a belief system in which I am worthy of the same love that I extend to others. Actions of self-care are nothing but items on yet another “to do” list until prompted by a genuine belief in one’s worthiness of their pursuit.

Before leaving Canada, I wrote myself a letter for each week of travel, reminders of my intentions for solo traveller Liz. It seemed fitting to end the trip in a similar fashion, and so I spent a good part of my final day writing a love letter:

“I am writing to you from a pretentious Parisian café. Life won’t always feel this beautiful and effortless. The joy that is bubbling over within my spirit will at times seem silent. I’m writing to you to tell you about me, and remind you that the me I am today is within you. Remember me, eyes spilling with tears of joy and pride, beaming, overflowing.”

Each day since my return has not felt as effortless as that day. However, my experience of myself while travelling is equally true: empowered, intuitive, self-loving and present. Life invites us to live fully, lovingly, courageously, no matter what our surroundings. I’m inviting you into the spirit of this journey, to remain in the present wherever life leads you next. How will you live fully and with self-love today?

Elizabeth (Liz) Mitchell is a music therapist who works with adolescents with mental health issues in Waterloo, Ontario, Canada. Curious about the links between musical potential and human potential, she is also a voice and piano educator, and a clinical supervisor and part-time instructor at Wilfrid Laurier University.

Photo credit: la citta vitta

Please Don’t Call Me a Sexual Abuse Survivor

Since the sexual abuse scandal at Penn State erupted last fall, it’s rare for me to go so much as a week without hearing about another similar incident. In media coverage, social commentary, and in my everyday professional and personal conversations, I have heard a lot of well-intentioned people talk about the children involved with disempowering language.

These poor children. My heart breaks that their lives had to be ruined. Nobody should have to survive such an abuse of power.

I understand the motivation for these sentiments and the compassion and empathy contained within them. Sexual abuse is as unfortunate as it is common. But as someone who was sexually abused, I would never want anyone thinking of me as a poor child. My life was not ruined. And I am very, very powerful!

So I’m ready for a new conversation — with myself and with the world. I want discourse where I am no longer cast as a bystander in my own life. Therefore, I have made the decision for myself, and on behalf of the 1 out of 4 women and 1 out of 6 men like me, to no longer refer to myself as a survivor of sexual abuse. It keeps me stuck in the violence that was committed against me. It prevents me from seeing myself as an agent of positive change, in my life and in the lives of others. Furthermore, by reinforcing the moments of my most significant pain, it disconnects me from my joy.

Instead, I’d rather shine a light on how I, and many like me, have consciously made the choice to see our sexual abuse as an opportunity rather than an obstacle. As a catalyst for living bold and beautiful lives.

So, going forward, I’m referring to myself as a sexual abuse thriver. Because for the last 20 years, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing — thriving. You see, from my experience of sexual abuse, I have received some of my greatest lessons, and I feel gifted to have learned them during the first quarter of what I’m confident is going to be a long and rich life.

First, I have learned the powerful lesson captured in Dr. Susan Jeffers’ book of the same name — “Feel the Fear… And Do It Anyway.” When, at four years old, I told my parents that another family member was playing a special game with me “down there,” I discovered that when I spoke, people listened. My voice had power. My childhood act of ferocious courage meant that I not only brought an end to my molestation, but that I planted the seed for a lifetime of speaking up when something was foul — whether in my own life or in the lives of others. I have never failed to ask for the money I’m worth or, in my current work as a speaking coach, help my clients develop the chutzpah to negotiate for what they want and deserve. I have never hesitated to call out acts of racism or homophobia. And when I hear people calling sex offenders “monsters” or “devils,” I also speak up. I have learned that everyone is deserving of his or her dignity and basic human rights.

Second, I have discovered how to forgive. Now, I’m not going to sweet talk you here. It took me over a decade to really do this — to forgive the behavior of my abuser as well as forgive the people in my family who pretended the sexual abuse wasn’t happening. Yet, when I gave myself the opportunity to finally release the people in the story of my abuse for the roles they played, and, most importantly, release myself from any lingering blame and shame I was harboring, I became able to operate in all facets of my life from a place of love rather than fear. I became a better romantic partner and a better daughter; a better business owner; and a better person. Learning how to forgive anyone and everyone for any behavior so I can see the light in them, even when it’s covered up by dark thoughts, dark feelings or dark acts, has truly set me free.

Third, I have learned that resilience is a muscle that requires daily working out to keep buff. I don’t imagine I will ever get to a place where I don’t have an occasional dream that brings me back to the abuse, or where I am free of resurrected thoughts of anger, sadness or, at times, even debilitating depression. By directing my energy and attention toward my experience of my experience, though, I have created a habit of being present to anything icky the universe sends my way. I can be a participant in the ick without allowing the ick to metastasize, take over and deter me from the beautiful life I create for myself one thought at a time.

Each of us, whether we have lived through abuse, illness, death or any other source of grief or loss, has a role in the story we choose to create about our experience. While we are certainly entitled to narrate that story however we like, I only have interest in telling a story where I get to be a protagonist. Where I get to make decisions out of love rather than fear. Where I get to create my own happy ending.

I love being a thriver. And I hope whatever stories you tell yourself — about what you have lived through, who you are, and who you are in the process of becoming — you let yourself be the creator of your own knockout story of success as well.

A newly anointed sexual-abuse thriver, Alexia Vernon is an author, speaker, coach and trainer who empowers people to be protagonists in their lives and speak their stories with confidence and competence.

Be Willing To Suck (At It)

My father once told me that God gave me the talent to be an artist.

Art was my passion.

My dream was to get a Bachelor of Fine Arts in fiber arts. My work during those college years was presented in a show and is in a book about handmade felt. Oh, how I could get lost in that creative place for hours, days, weeks and months!

But I gave up my desire to be an artist in 1978.

I clearly remember thinking that if I couldn’t be the best, why bother? I wasn’t willing to not be the best. My ego won the game. My soul lost.

Seth Godin asked these wonderful questions in one of his blog posts: “Is perfect important? Do you feel the need to fail privately, not in public? How long can you wait before it feels as though you’re succeeding? How open are you to receiving criticism?”

These are thought-provoking.

I phrase it slightly differently. You have to be willing to suck. What does that mean exactly? It means you are:

-Willing to appear stupid.
-Willing to be disappointed.
-Willing to be embarrassed.
-Willing to show up and take action.
-Willing to accept whatever comes back to you -– be it praise or criticism.
-Willing to be vulnerable.
-Willing to do what you love no matter what anyone thinks.
-Willing to break the rules.
-Willing to be fearless.
-Willing to risk feeling shame.
-Willing to do what you want to do, not what others want you to do.
-Willing to look underneath shame and acknowledge the universal belief with which we all struggle, from time to time that tells us, “I am not good enough.”

Brene Brown, Ph.D,. is a research professor at the University of Houston’s Graduate College of Social Work. While studying shame, vulnerability, courage and authenticity, she has learned that shame is best defined as the fear of disconnection. “If other people find out _________ (fill in the blank with your fear), I will be rejected.” Brown postulates what is underneath shame is the same old fear or belief, “I’m not good enough.” There it is again, rearing its ugly head.

And I see it on a daily basis with my clients. There is always a fear that holds them back from doing something they are passionate about. It shows up in a variety of flavors: “I’m not smart enough, thin enough, experienced enough, beautiful enough, or rich enough.” The true belief underneath these false thoughts is fear is of being vulnerable. I believe this is what stops us from fulfilling our soul’s destiny.

Some people have a strong sense of self-worth. They feel worthy of connection and love. What Brown found was that these people have a sense of courage. They are willing to be imperfect. They know how to be compassionate with themselves and others. And what I loved most in reading Brown’s work is the evidence that these people, with a strong sense of their own worthiness, are authentic. They are willing to let go of who they “should” become and just be themselves with all their flaws.

I want to share this idea with you: Be willing to show your warts, your flaws and all your imperfections and love those parts of yourself. They make up who you are. You’ll discover that people love you much more for being exactly who you are because you were willing to be vulnerable enough with us to share that part of yourself with us. That builds a bond of trust.

What’s fascinating about vulnerability is when we move through it, without numbing ourselves with food, alcohol, the Internet, shopping, TV or other ways to distract ourselves from feeling, we actually become happier and more connected to those around us.

When we numb-out a stressful feeling, we numb-out the good feelings as well – happiness, joy, play and fun. The antidote is self-love. Practice random acts of kindness towards yourself.

I think I have an Annie Hall quality to me. It’s the spacey part of me that will shortcut my mind and blurt out something outrageous at the wrong time. Or I might ask the dumbest question you’ve heard in a long time. It’s a quirky side of me that I have found funny and endearing. It has taken a long time, but I have now fallen in love with “her.” I embrace her.

Just know that what makes you who you are is your whole self, not the façade and not the “Little Ms. Perfect.” Be willing. Be courageous. Be fearless. Be vulnerable.

How do you do that? Try looking back on times in your life when you have experienced adversity. Where were you courageous? Where were you willing to ask for help when you were vulnerable? Where did you take risks? This is how you know your own level of resilience. You can count on yourself by remembering how you got through it. This will help you find ways to be proud of yourself. Learn to take risks and expand your comfort zone. The more you do, the more you live up to your full potential.

Lots of very successful people have embraced this idea.

Steve Jobs said, “I’m the only person I know that’s lost a quarter of a billion dollars in one year … It’s very character-building.”

Over the years, I have developed a philosophy regarding success: The more times I strike out, the more chances I have of hitting a home run. I call it my “Hank Aaron” philosophy. I am willing to take a risk, to not do it perfectly, and to keep upping my game.

Hank said, “I have always felt that although someone may defeat me, and I strikeout in a ball game, the pitcher on the particular day was the best player. But I know when I see him again, I’m going to be ready for his curve ball. Failure is a part of success. There is no such thing as a bed of roses all your life. But failure will never stand in the way of success if you learn from it.”

Now, 34 years later, my soul is calling me back to art – back to photography – a new form of art that I want to practice. The game is not over yet.

Here’s the difference: I am now willing to suck at it because I love it.

Sherold Barr is a life purpose, business coach, and freedom fighter for women who want to find their calling, master their fears and complete the impossible. She’s writing a digital manifesto called “The Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Was 30: a baby boomers manifesto to Gen X and millennials.”

Photo credit: Cavale Doom

Redefining Success

By Jessica Goldman

I have a mantra that I readily pass on to family and friends: when your life has changed, change your life. Considering how frequently I offer this advice, it would seem that I, myself, follow it loyally. But the truth is, it has taken me six years to actually put that advice into practice.

A few months ago, I left my full-time desk job—complete with mid-level management title, consistent paycheck, and fancy business cards—to confront the realities of my autoimmune disease and give myself a healthier, stress-free lifestyle. My new path as a freelance writer affords me the time and flexibility to see my doctors, pick up medication, and stay strong. Also, it will allow me to live a long and healthy life.

As necessary as the switch was, the idea of being self-employed and departing the more emblematic working world was frightening and made me feel like a failure. When I left my job, I left tangible indicators of success. I felt as though I was giving into my pain and fatigue, which (because they are so personal) are easy to second-guess and underestimate. I was totally lost; I felt like a wimp and a quitter. Ultimately, I worried that if I eased up even a little bit on my disease, I would no longer be strong enough to push past the daily challenges. But, now that I have made the shift and have found true peace with my decision, I can’t imagine living any differently.

It all started in January of 2004: my life officially changed when I was diagnosed with Lupus, a chronic disease that on my best days leaves me fatigued and with joint pain and on my worst days demands a full schedule of doctor’s appointments and bed rest. During its onset, Lupus attacked my kidneys and brain. Within the first few days, I endured several grand mal seizures, my bone marrow stopped working, my kidneys failed, and I began emergency dialysis and chemotherapy. Through great medicine, wonderful family and friends, and an enormous amount of support, I became stronger and healthier and miraculously, my kidneys partially regenerated. I had been given a gift—a chance to leave the hospital and reenter the world once again. But it was in this moment, when I started to recover, that the true uphill challenge began.

Looking back, I now know that my toughest battle was not the one for my life, but to reclaim my life as normal. When in survivor mode, the goal is clear: live. Nothing else matters, and the simple act of sitting up in the morning, eating breakfast, and breathing are accomplishments. But once you’ve survived, and you begin to regain the strength and color that makes you like those around you, the goals of “real life” seep back in and become complicated by the things you think you should do and be: graduate from college, hold a full-time job, save the world (and not just yourself). It turns out that when your life has actually changed, the last thing you want to do is to diverge any further from your concept of normalcy. You’d like to get back to it as soon as possible.

I spent the first five years after college clinging to the expected course and began work as a full-time grant writer. I had no intention of slowing down or giving myself a moment of well-deserved rest. In reality, I had every intention of speeding up. I wanted to be a director of development by the time I was thirty, just a few years away. I wanted to increase the gold stars on my resume, add a few more numbers to my salary, and rewrite the title on my business card at least two more times. These were my goals and I was determined to achieve them. But they were unrealistic.

While I thought I had been maintaining a delicate balance of career, social life, and chronic illness, the reality was that the scales were greatly tipped and my health had become my last priority. Not only was there no time for doctors’ appointments, the mere act of scheduling them was overwhelming. I put off picking up medications so long that sometimes my prescriptions would get canceled. My hair began falling out, my blood pressure rose to dangerous levels, and I was thoroughly weak and worn. I had taken the gift of recovery and run myself right back into the ground. Everything—from my schedule to the fact that I sat in a chair for ten hours a day—was counter to what my body needed. If I wanted to live a long and healthy life, I needed to make a drastic change…so I did.

Today, I follow those words that I have passed on to so many others. Since my life is now about my health, my health became the muse of my career. I began to write a blog about the adventures of living on a no-sodium diet, documenting the tasks and cooking experiments that take up much of my time. The blog grew into more articles about wellness, and I quickly realized that the daily health chores that once seemed roadblocks to success had become my greatest assets. Myriad appointments and long stays in waiting rooms were no longer in the way of my work, but instead fueled my creativity and my writing. I had a defined niche, endless amounts of material, and—most importantly—I was doing something that would not only benefit me, but also others on a similar journey.

I thought that by listening to the needs of my body, my achievements would be stunted. But the results have been quite the opposite. I am now the best version of myself, with the energy and mental capacity to accomplish more than I ever could before. Once I stopped trying to be ordinary, I could begin to approach my illness, my career, and, ultimately, my life by seeking the extraordinary.

Jessica Goldman lives in San Francisco and splits her time equally between her two loves: cooking and writing. She hosts a daily blog, www.sodiumgirl.com, regularly writes for the Center for Urban Education on Sustainable Agriculture, and is often found trolling local markets for kitchen inspiration.

Do You Ever Feel Lonely?

“Always follow the highest you know.”
—J.J. Dewey, The Immortal

Do you ever feel lonely as you pursue the higher truths of this diet-lifestyle? Well, you’re not alone. If I had a tomato for everyone who has recently described to me this aspect of cleansing, I could make a batch of gazpacho big enough for all of you!

I am the first to admit that turning your back on the common ways of thinking, living and eating is challenging. I’ve felt deeply lonely at times. I’ve cursed having to give up certain foods and drinks, and I’ve felt massive disapproval from the crowd for questioning commonly accepted beliefs. But the incomparable bliss that comes with living according to your highest good is more than worth it!

Whenever you move away from the herd mentality and toward advanced knowledge, you initially experience a sense of loss, deprivation, and solitude. This is the moment when “the knight comes face-to-face with the dragon.” You may either run from it and return to the comfort of the herd or slay it and heed your soul’s deepest desire for growth. Of course, it’s scary to face the dragon. It takes courage to stand up to the social norms—the parents, friends, spouses, and authority figures—and say, “I’m no longer going to conform to what everyone else does because it is not serving my highest good.”

So many of you are coming to the realization that all that you’ve been told about food, health, the origins of illness, and the methods of correcting them are wrong. That is not an easy place to find yourself in, when the rest of the world appears to be going along quite happily with all the nonsense. When other people appear effortlessly healthy and thin despite their mainstream diets, you might wonder why you have chosen this path or why you must work harder than others.

What you forget is that these other people, all appearances aside, are not functioning well: they need their coffee or their cigarettes or their drugs to keep them going. You have no idea what they do to create the appearance of being okay. I work with models, actresses, socialites and 99% of the time the story is the same: they either eat next to nothing (and purge when they eat more) or live off of chemical stimulation. It’s not helpful to compare yourself to them.

Try not to let self-doubt and fear lead you to the most uncomfortable place of all—the depths of loneliness, where you are stuck looking at the truth while still slumming it with the herd. If you do find yourself there, take the opportunity to slay the dragon! It’s a matter of personal choice. You can continue to follow the path of least resistance (the herd) or you can exercise intelligent resistance and choose the higher path.

In truth you are not alone. It’s time to recognize each other and feel a part of a very special community. When you discover how many brilliant, hip, highly educated people have come to the same conclusions you have, you will be able to leap up and slay the dragon faster that I can open a young coconut! Of course, it’s not exactly that easy, nor is it supposed to be. You are the frontline of this movement, clearing the path for those who will follow and need your guidance.

Whenever you feel torn about the changes you’re making, remember that the herd is blindly following a path of destruction, led by an even blinder authority whose rules strip each individual of his or her power. It takes courage and a sense of personal responsibility to follow this higher path, but it will empower you and lead you to a life of beauty, truth and radiance.

Follow your soul’s impulse to leave the herd and soar on the wings of independence and advanced knowledge to the light!