Raising Confident Sons Who Have Respect for Others

A while ago, I was rushing up the street, carrying groceries and my briefcase, barely closed from all I had stuffed inside it, trying not to be late to pick up my daughter from basketball practice. One of her classmates, 13-year-old Damien, was walking from school toward me. I’d known Damien and his family for years, as part of a study I was conducting on boys and moms.

“Can I help you with that?” he asked in a concerned voice.

Although the bag was tearing from the weight of its contents and the awkward way I was holding it, his question almost made me drop everything completely. People were meandering in both directions, and no one else noticed that I was struggling, but Damien saw in one glance that I needed help and immediately offered it. He took my grocery bag and walked back up to school with me. When I thanked him, he just smiled politely, said it wasn’t a problem, waved and continued off down the street.

Until fifth grade, he wore his hair short and he dressed in nothing but jeans and T-shirts. Even after he let his hair grow long in sixth grade and wore red bandannas like the Hells Angels, he didn’t let anybody’s idea of what was “girlish” affect his behavior. In the school’s annual musical, Damien stole the show with his theatrical poise and warm response to the loud applause from the audience. His onstage theatrics – a very liberating experience for boys – did nothing to prevent him from being the first out on the play yard at recess for kickball, running successfully for class representative to the student council, or being a sometimes goofy but articulate class participant.

I call children like Damien “head and heart boys.” Years of research on families and parenting have shown me how successful moms raise self-assured and caring sons by nurturing their boy power – the artful combination of physicality and sensitivity to others’ needs and feelings. To help your son grow up with confidence and respect for others:

1. Help him develop a strong sense of well-being and sensitivity to the needs and feeling of others.

Talk and talk and talk with (not at) your son, and then talk some more. As boys discover they are worthy of respect and understanding, they learn to respect and empathize with others. Encourage your son to recognize how he feels and show it, whether the feeling is good or bad. Talk with him about what may be making him feel that way. Learning about his own feelings can help your son connect with others and develop into a caring, sensitive man.

Boys tend to shy away from face-to-face discussions. Connect with him in any way you can, anywhere you can. Use toys to prompt discussion. One mom uses puppets with her young son to talk about events in their lives. Initiate conversations in the car, on the basketball court or in the kitchen while cooking together. Despite feeling tired at the end of her workday, one mom began playing basketball with her teenage son because he seemed withdrawn. She expected it to be all dribble and shoot, but when they started playing, her son opened up, sharing his thoughts and feelings about school and home.

Listen to what your son tells you – or doesn’t tell you. Look for messages even in silence or outbursts. Listening – not just to the words, but to the feelings behind them – can reveal the kind of mothering your son needs to help him become a man.

Ten-year-old Caleb struggled with being small for his age. During hide-and-seek, he and his mom brainstormed about the advantages of being small, like finding a really good place to hide. Since people underestimated his superior athletic abilities, he had a secret weapon. Later, when a cousin said he was small for his age, Caleb easily listed all the good things about being small!

And while you’re talking, repeatedly share your own values, including consciously challenging gender and other stereotypes, even when your son seems to tune out.

2. Foster his respect for others.

Respect for ourselves feeds our respect for others. So accept who he is, instead of trying to mold him into your vision of what you think he should be.

You can encourage him to be responsible to himself by helping him set his own goals and expectations, and then live up to them. He will also learn responsibility to others by doing his share of household chores and other age-appropriate duties.

Establish clear guidelines for behavior and expectations for how family members and others are treated. Helping your son relate well to family and friends will help him become a reflective, conscious, centered adult with a strong sense of identity and moral fiber.

3. Help him find a variety of good role models, both men and women.

Start with yourself and other moms you know. His respect for you and other women friends teaches him respect for women. He learns such qualities as patience by observing patience in you and others. As his mom, model the kind of strength and heroism commonly associated with men. Your power, leadership, determination and ability to achieve set a strong personal example for your son. Knowing women he can emulate helps erase culturally ingrained gender stereotypes.

Boys benefit by having many role models, so whether there’s a father at home or not, actively recruit men as friends and role models for your son. In addition to men in the family, look for babysitters, tutors, coaches and Big Brothers who can play this role. Sports superstars, fictional characters like Harry Potter and other heroes also give boys a range of men to emulate.

One mom makes sure her five-year-old son, Cody, interacts with males as much as possible. “When I’m with my brothers-in-law or nephews, [I say], ‘You guys, take him to the bathroom,’ or ‘You guys, go do guy things.’” Strong mothers give their sons a range of models for manhood.

4. Stay connected. Learning to value intimacy and close relationships will help him succeed with a future wife or partner.

Don’t buy into fear of being too close to your son, no matter what his age. Closeness and conversation lead to a natural and lifelong intimacy between mother and son. This means frequently stepping out of your comfort zone to meet his needs, including roughhousing and playing with your son any way you can. Encourage physical and emotional expressions of affection at home even when he tries to push you away. (In public allow him any space he requires.) Adapt the ways you connect with your son to stay close as he grows intellectually, emotionally and physically.

As he grows, you can help him lead a double-life on the emotional front. If he is standoffish in public, he can still enjoy the mothering he secretly still craves in the privacy of home. Allowing boys to show their soft, vulnerable side with you keeps those emotions alive. As your son grows older, be sure to keep the dialogue open even when you don’t agree with his choices.

The deep emotional connection between mothers and sons has been demonized for far too long. Just as your son has inherent boy power, you have the mom power it takes to raise a son who is self-assured and respectful of others. By nurturing his emotional IQ, teaching him to care for others, providing him with positive role models and staying close to him as he grows up, you can give him what he needs to become a confident, empathic person and an exceptional man.

For more by this author, visit: PeggyDrexler.com.

Photo credit: Ed Yourdon

Bringing Sexy + Inner Beauty Back

Forget the champagne and lingerie. Women all around are finding a new way to look and feel sexy, and it’s called financial freedom.

What is financial freedom?

It’s not a “one size fits all” term. Financial freedom is removing YOUR financial barriers and healing YOUR relationship with money so you can choose the life YOU want. It’s about being in control, independent and rich on the inside and out. It’s about feeling confident and sexy.

Some women are in financial “prison,” carrying around a dirty little secret that they don’t have it all together. They walk around in a state of stress, fear and insecurity, hoping that their secret isn’t exposed.

When you get organized and gain control of your money, you will feel and look sexy.

You FEEL Sexy

No more freaking out that your partner is going to find out about all that debt you racked up during your wild college years. Gone are the days of letting your money stress come between you and your spouse’s quality time or sitting around waiting for Prince Charming to rescue your bank account.

You will choose your relationships for the right reasons and approach them feeling powerful and independent – two very sexy qualities.

When you gain control of your finances, you start to feel better on the inside. You make better, mindful choices and your inner beauty and sexiness shine through.

Feeling sexy isn’t about putting on more lipstick or showing extra cleavage. Feeling sexy is the confidence that you have taken full responsibility for your life and knowing that you can have it all.

You LOOK Sexy

Don’t you love the feeling of looking feminine and sexy?

It’s difficult when we poison our beautiful bodies with financial stress. It destroys our relationships, drains our energy, weakens our immune system and ages our beautiful skin.

When you’re organized, in control and choosing how you spend your money, you relieve stress. You start to look better because less stress means fewer wrinkles.

When you heal your relationship with money, you live in a place of financial peace. Your relationships will improve, you’ll have more sex, dress better, eat healthier and look sexier.

Your true, authentic beauty comes out because you are no longer clouded with money noise.

Financial Freedom Tip #1: Fixing Your “Money Mishaps”

Write out anything you view as a “money mistake” that you don’t want your partner or future partner to know about. Under each “money mistake,” write one thing you can do immediately to improve your situation.

For example, maybe you have excessive credit card debt. Your action step could be hiding or freezing your credit cards until they’re paid off to keep yourself from racking up any more debt.

Financial Freedom Tip #2: Shut Down Your Money Noise

Stop the stress! Simplify and streamline your accounts. There’s no reason to have four different checking and savings accounts. It’s difficult to keep track of and can be overwhelming.

Automate your bills and savings so you have less to think about. You’ll also avoid late fees, writing checks, stamps, and licking nasty envelopes.

Schedule 15 minutes a week to have a date with your money.

Financial Freedom Tip #3: Create a Pleasurable Spending Plan

NOT a strict budget that’s going to drive you crazy that you’ll never follow. After you automate your bills and spending, what do you have left?

Take the leftover money and choose how you want to spend it. Let it be something that’s going to bring pleasure and add value to your life.

For example, a facial at your favorite spa instead of buying three new shirts that you don’t need and will hang in your closet with the tags on. Or plan a dinner date with your best girlfriend instead of spending money every day at lunch on dry sandwich that you really don’t care about.

When you’re trying to reach a financial goal and feel true financial freedom, this will keep you from overspending or feeling deprived.

Are you ready to bring your confidence, sexy and inner beauty back?

Karie Hill is a financial freedom coach for women. She focuses on removing financial barriers and healing relationships with money from the inside out.

Photo credit: massaimara

New Powers Await You – When You Do Something New

Inspiration is an invitation to uncharted abundance. It’s not just the invitation to create a song, a yoga studio, a screenplay and some good money. It’s the invitation to create yourself. The creator is changed by the created. Yet if you refuse to listen to your own beckoning ideas, you hold back exponential resources within. You may think you’re just being practical. But how practical is it to deny your greatest powers?

You wouldn’t tell a baby to never expect to walk. Why would you tell yourself that you could achieve only what you’ve already experienced? You are still developing, aren’t you? It’s never “realistic” to deny your miraculous creative impulses. It’s self-annihilating. The reality is, you are a miracle. You are a growing, conscious spark of unparalleled energy. Your heart is the compass between the landscapes of what you currently know and what you can yet know in your lifetime.

I had a therapist who always talked about doing new things. She loved to challenge herself. The woman was a black belt in kung fu “just for fun.” I guess listening to everyone’s problems all day made her need to attack something at night. But she was frisky and creative, and urged me to try new things. At the time, I couldn’t imagine voluntarily adding some challenge to my life. I was doing everything in my fizzling power to avoid them. That zealous healer babbled on about the joy of expansion, and I looked at her with bleary pleading eyes and said, “English please.” But all these many years later, she remains with me. It’s not what she said. I remember the sparkle in her eyes. I remember the ease of her skin. She wasn’t just getting through her life like everyone else on the bus. This woman was alive.

Doing something new allows you to discover more of your natural largesse. I recently put on a new seminar. I was a bit nervous. I’ve taught thousands of workshops, but this one was all fresh content. I didn’t know what questions participants might ask. I didn’t know the catchy way to answer things. I wasn’t a well-oiled machine. I felt this gnawing in my stomach — not butterflies, closer to buzzards. I’m a bit of a control freak, though very shiny and spontaneous about it all. See, I like doing well. I’ve built up “buzz” and reputation. Truth is, I love having my workshops leave participants gazing at each other, dazed, happy, and as though they might just light up a cigarette afterward.

But I had to allow myself to grow. I had to flex new muscles. I had to take the chance that I could fizzle, which for me, would feel like having the worst hair day of your life, having your photo taken, and then maybe, if you’re very lucky, being burned at the stake. I had to walk my talk, which, by the way, never feels powerful until later, when you’re safe, fat and happy, and can entertain your friends. At the time, it means just walking forward and trying not to cry in public. But here’s the part I forgot: I’m not in control, but I am in the proximity of grace. I am not alone. I am not limited to the crude strengths I’ve experienced thus far. I am co-creating with a Universe that does not ever have self-esteem issues or a lack of horsepower or compassion. I am becoming more of myself — by using more of myself —discovering unknown power as I walk into the unknown.

Here’s what happened. The participants had breakthroughs, insights and stories I never could have predicted or manufactured. Something else was going on. This same essence often takes me by surprise in retreats. It’s a presence in the room, a love that’s in the water, where laughter erupts and tears glisten, or maybe our crown chakras open up like guppies swallowing the light. I don’t know. I do know that the attendees share unbelievable things. I say incredible things. This unrepeatable waltz begins to happen as though it had been reenacted a thousand times. It couldn’t go any better, though some insane part of me will dissect it later, anyway. It’s humbling. It’s moving. And it’s so far beyond anything that I alone could ever make happen. And I would have missed this if I hadn’t dared it. The experience reminds me of this line from “A Course in Miracles” — “The Holy Spirit is invisible, but you can see the results of His Presence… What He enables you to do is clearly not of this world.”

Russell Simmons, the hip-hop mogul with record labels, fashion labels, and multiple HBO reality shows, says he co-created his success by following an inner voice and taking risks. He says, “Time and time again I watch as the people who listen to their higher selves move on to bigger and better things, while the people who listen to the low notes end up stuck in one place or fade away altogether. They never realized that in ignoring their higher selves, they’re blocking their ability to be blessed.”

Where might you be blocking your ability to be blessed? Fear keeps you small and smallness keeps you fearful. It’s a pitiful system and it ages you like trauma, cigarette smoke, and too much gossip. Keep listening to your sweetest truth. Your truth is never an instinct that diminishes you. Remember, you have a presence within you that can do anything. You are not limited to what you’ve experienced in the past. You are not limited to what someone else has experienced in the past. There is something alive and inspired that wants to come through you. It’s an evolutionary impulse in your cells to grow and expand. You’re hungry for the new because you hunger for yourself. You know there are still unexpressed reserves within you.

Go beyond what you have done before. Expose yourself to grace.

Five Ways to Get the Most Out Your Next Creative Retreat

A creative retreat is the quintessential artist’s or writer’s dream. Time to tend your creative spark, think long, interrupted thoughts, meander, recharge and burrow into that project you’ve been flirting with.

Someone feeds you delicious food, you share tea or a glass of wine with other artists at the end of each gratifying day, hike in the bucolic countryside to clear your mind, nap when needed. Best of all, no interruptions: no children, aged parents or social media tugging at the hem of your attention.

Creative retreats are life-changing and can make a tremendous difference to your work and your confidence — as long as you’re a little bit prepared. Otherwise, you might find your expectations suck the creative juice right out of you, and you end up doing a lot more self-flagellation than creating.

Here are the five principles I use when I lead — or take — a retreat.

Lower Your Standards

When asked how he managed to write a poem almost every day (including the day he died!), the poet William Stafford replied, “I lowered my standards.”

The opposite tends to happen, especially when going on a creative (or any kind of) retreat. “I’ll write a chapter an hour, paint a new series of 50 paintings, find a fresh angle for my photography, I’ll eat only green smoothies and do yoga the rest of the time.” All that striving and impossible goal setting? It kills the retreat vibe and the possibility of getting your truest work done — and certainly kills the creative renewal you are seeking.

You know that good advice when you’re packing for a trip to take out half of what you just put in your suitcase? Same thing goes for what you plan to do on a retreat. Cut it in half. And then in half again. I beg you.

Clearly State What Will Be Enough

Last year I was gifted a week’s writing retreat by the venerable Fetzer Institute, and I set very clear “conditions of enoughness,” as I call them, for my week: no email, no Twitter, no Facebook; finishing a first draft of a new project; connecting with the other writers by being present and listening fully each evening. Naming these tangible facts created a foundation that allowed me to do the kind of deep writing and thinking I had been craving, as well as nap, take walks with my new friends and leave wildly inspired and renewed.

When you bring together lowering your standards and naming in facts what is enough for your creative time, the wild goodness you crave has a place to gather, and monkey mind has a bone to chew on (“She’s doing what she said she would … hmm, maybe I can shut up for a minute …”).

Declare a Time Element

On retreat, it’s vital you follow your desires, enjoy plenty of rest and play, and by deciding when and for how long you will work, you give yourself a gentle framework of satisfaction and containment. Otherwise, the endless expanse of time can be paralyzing. So maybe you paint from 9 a.m. to12 p.m. everyday, and meander the rest of the time. Or you write in 15-minute timed intervals with 1-minute breaks for one hour, then take a 1-hour photography break. On the writing retreats I lead, I start people off with 60 minutes and, as the week progresses, the writing periods get longer. This lets people build their creative muscles without getting overwhelmed.

Be sure to lower the bar on your time element! Just because you have 14 hours or so of being awake doesn’t mean you can create for 13 1/2 of them.

Ensure What you Do is Reasonable for You on an Average Day

The lure of a retreat can lure you into believing you are super-human — there will be no dishes, no cooking, no email, so certainly you will be transformed into someone who wears a cape and can do anything! As you are planning your retreat, keep in mind that you will, in fact, still be you. If you are not someone who writes after 3 p.m., this will probably not change on retreat. If you are not someone who gets up at 5 a.m. and writes for four hours without coffee, you won’t be that someone on retreat. Plan for an average “you” day, and you will find yourself supported to get great work done, with plenty of free time to fill up your creative well.

Declare Yourself Satisfied Even if You Don’t Feel Satisfied

This is one of the most powerful ideas I teach. You did what you said you would do — say, write for 2 hours, no checking email, then take a “noticing” walk with your camera, then read poetry and meditate. You get to the end of your day and you feel disappointed, or worried you aren’t using your retreat wisely if you aren’t wringing every bit of writing life out of it. You are so adorably normal!

The very best way to deal with this feeling is to say, out loud (yes, you feel silly doing this — so what?), “I did what I said I would and that it is enough. I am satisfied even if I don’t feel satisfied.” One of the most insidious — and common — ways we undermine our creativity is by belittling what we did. Learn to rest in what you have accomplished, honor it, and you’ll be infused with new energy and well-being. Train your awareness to notice the good and the real.

Writing retreats have been such a soul blessing to me, and to the thousands of creative souls I’ve been honored to facilitate. They can help you unsnarl a plot, dream up an angle for your blog and finally write that book proposal. But most precious of all, they remind you of why you create: how creating brings you in contact with the very heartbeat of life, the connection to all that is, and the overwhelming delight of being alive.

Please give yourself the gift of a creative retreat soon — and be sure and take the tad of time (takes like 10 minutes) to decide what will be enough so you can get the most out of your dream.

Join me, Jennifer Louden, in Taos July 24-30 for the 10th year of my World Famous Writing Retreat. Details here.

3 Reasons to Know Your Chakras: Love, Money & Confidence

Does the word “chakras” sound at all familiar to you? What if I said this post was about love, money, and confidence – and how you can experience more of all of the above? Yep, that’s right. Get to know your chakra system and you will. Our chakra energy system is where energy flows through our body, and when any one of our seven chakras are blocked – well, it’s not good. But learn more about your chakras and how to keep that energy flowing freely, and you’ll bring love, money, confidence, and much, much more into your life.

Love. “Get rid of the old to make room for the new” or “You must love yourself before you can love another” are just a few of the very true clichés we have all heard. Though these sayings are both very true, sometimes we need a bit of help in the way of making those statements truly come to fruition in our lives. This is where your heart chakra comes in (located at the heart). Your heart chakra represents your past, present and future loves – and if it’s not open, then you’re probably not going to be experiencing the abundance of love that is available to you. So, what to do? Well, an easy food fix for this chakra is eating green-colored foods. (Yay for green juice! Maybe this is why we all love Kris!) The other fix for this chakra is opening your heart—whether that means using yoga to open that chest of yours, or literally forcing yourself to say “I love you” to those you love; either will do just fine. My grandfather’s 1950s version of opening his heart chakra (whether he knew it or not) was silently blessing the first 100 people he saw every morning. You know what, it worked. That man was probably the most popular man in our town.

Money. Have you ever had a lower back issue? Perhaps it’s just reoccurring pain, or maybe it’s even a case of sciatica. If you were more familiar with your chakras you’d know that lower back pain (root chakra) can be traced to concerns over money. Yep, money worries = lower back pain. Famous financier George Soros used to say he’d always get out of an investment when his lower back would bother him. The good news for George and for us is that by doing some light yoga (like bridge pose) and eating red-colored foods, we can help open up our root chakra. I remember a time a few years ago, when I was on the road raising capital for a startup during one of the toughest financial environments ever, and guess what body part began to hurt? Yep, that’s right, my lower back. But the good news was that a friend in San Francisco had introduced me to the chakra system, and after some hard core lower back work, including a lot of restorative yoga, my lower back was back on track. And we ended up raising the capital we needed, too.

Confidence. Self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem–call them what you want–we’ve all dealt with these at one time or another. When we’re not feeling as confident as we should be feeling, we can perpetually sink ourselves into feeling worse. There are loads of great books and self-esteem boosters like affirmations to help get us back on our confidence track. There’s also our solar plexus chakra (located above the navel) as well. By indulging in corn, some yoga that is ab-centric, and by even shaking that booty of ours (yes, dancing helps), we can open up our solar plexus chakra and get our confidence back where it should be. I particularly love this chakra because of its location within our abdominal muscles. The healing of our solar plexus chakra, more so than any other chakra, is directly related to working out and moving our bodies, particularly our abs. This really illustrates the important connection between our physical and spiritual health as an ever-expanding waistline can affect our health and our spiritual energy.

Jason Wachob is a curator and one of the founders of MindBodyGreen.com, Jason’s goal is to promote the idea that wellness is for everyone – and that it can be fun and fulfilling. After years of successfully trading equities on Wall Street, Jason decided to make a lifestyle change – focusing on wellness and building companies that promote it.

Photo Credit: hint of plum