Five Tips for Establishing & Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

One of the most common questions I am asked as a mental health professional and someone living with and healing from a “chronic and progressive” neurological disease, Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (RSD/CRPS), is how to establish, maintain and enforce (when needed) healthy interpersonal boundaries. This topic is especially important when one is living with chronic, acute and/or terminal illness because unhealthy interpersonal relationships and stressful life events can flare up and even aid in the progression of many dis-eases. When trying to heal, spirits need to be flying high and stress needs to be kept low. Even as a healthy individual, stressful interpersonal relationships can put a major strain on your mind-body-spirit. Learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries is a must for maintaining proper health and well-being throughout all areas of your life.

Many of the questions I get asked center around the other person, stating, “I’ve set my boundaries, but this person won’t change.” Establishing and maintaining boundaries in your life is not about forcing others to change, but it is about deciding what you will and will not tolerate followed by establishing how you will enforce those set boundaries if they are tested or simply ignored. Below are my five tips for establishing and maintaining healthy interpersonal boundaries.

1. Communicate your boundaries. Communicating your limits firmly, consistently, succinctly and without strong emotion (without blame and/or judgment) is imperative because one never accomplishes his/her goals by putting the target audience on the defensive. You don’t want to create more conflict. Try saying something like, “It is super important that I avoid stress in my life so that I can heal, which includes X, Y and Z.” Do not justify or rationalize your boundaries. This is not a two-way conversation but rather a polite, calm, firm and respectful statement of your needs – no discussion needed.

2. Communicate the consequences. Once you have communicated your boundaries, be sure to follow with the consequences for violating your boundaries. For those people in your life who are particularly manipulative, controlling, abusive or overbearing, stay firm, be very specific about what you will and will not tolerate, and be even more specific about the consequences that you will enforce if your boundaries are tested and crossed. For example, “If you continue to criticize me, I am going to end our conversation.”

3. Stay firm. Boundary setting is not a two-way conversation. There is no negotiating your boundaries and the consequences you put in place for when your boundaries are violated. Stay firm when it comes to what you will and will not tolerate in your life. You come first, and that is OK.

4. Practice makes perfect. Learning to set boundaries can take time and, like any other skill, you will improve with practice. For many, the idea of standing up for yourself and communicating your desires may feel totally foreign. Don’t worry, with time, it will become a staple in your health and wellness tool box.

5. Lose the Guilt: It is quite common for individuals, especially us people-pleasers, to feel guilty or selfish when establishing boundaries and saying “no,” but it is important to recognize that you have the right to take care of yourself without letting limiting belief systems get in the way of your mind-body-spirit health and wellness. Remember, saying “no” to someone often means you are saying “yes” to yourself. Start saying “yes” to yourself today.

You deserve unbounded happiness, you are worthy of luscious miracles, and you belong in healthy, loving and respectful interpersonal relationships. If you require some daily affirmations to help yourself through the beginning stages of setting and enforcing your boundaries, repeat the previous sentence over and over again several times a day while adding: “I have the right to take care of myself.” If you don’t, who will?

Maria Mooney, MSW, LSW, is a raw vegan, licensed social worker living with a progressive neurological disease, Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (RSD/CRPS). On her blog, Maria reflects on lessons learned through her health challenges, shares her experiences with alternative and traditional treatments, enjoys life to its fullest and heals herself.

Photo credit: Oni

Gemini Full Moon/Total Lunar Eclipse: Connection, Communication and Completion

December 10, 2011 - Speak your mind! This Saturday brings the Gemini full moon, one of the year’s peak moments for expressing yourself. Gemini is the sign of communication—the zodiac’s talkative Twins—and full moons are all about bringing things into the open. There could be some interesting declarations and confessions. Expect illuminating moments over the weekend, and maybe even a little TMI (too much information), as people are feeling pretty loose-lipped. Hmmm … did you really want to know that about your friend? 

Gemini is ruled by Mercury the messenger, so you could receive intriguing news by email, phone or post. What will you hear? Take a wild guess! This full moon is also a total lunar eclipse—an anything-goes event that brings change totally out of the blue. You may boldly express yourself or set off on a new life path. (If you’re a Gemini, a Gemini rising, or have a Gemini north or south node in your chart, you’ll feel this full moon the strongest.) Eclipses can close one door suddenly and push us through a new portal. For some people, this eclipse could mark a radical end of a relationship, or the official start of a new one. Anything or anyone who is “eclipsed” out of your life will either be replaced by a better match, or will return in a transformed state later. Remember: Change is good, even if it’s not always welcomed.

This Gemini eclipse is the culmination of events that began six months ago, at the June 1st Gemini new moon/solar eclipse. If you’ve been in a holding pattern, the lull could finally break. That’s good news if you’ve been impatiently waiting for a follow-up to stalled negotiations. You’re ready to close the deal already, or to get a straight answer! Here’s hoping this total lunar eclipse lets you know what’s up, one way or another. It will be good to move on, won’t it?

Here are a few things you can do to capitalize on the Gemini lunar eclipse:

Find a kindred spirit.
Gemini the Twins is all about rocking out, tag-team style. Two is your magic number at this full moon, so collaborate with someone whose skills complement yours. This is especially helpful if you’ve been struggling to get something off the ground. Perhaps the missing link in the chain is another person. Be open!

Mirror someone.
Listening is a form of communication, just as much as talking is. When you listen to another person, you create a space. It’s either a clear channel, though, or it’s cluttered with judgment. (You know, that “I already know what they’re gonna say, so why don’t I finish their sentence” vibe?) Today, aim to be a better, cleaner listener. Instead of mentally crafting a response, interrupting, or turning the convo back to yourself just … listen. Let your thoughts go. Just be a space for someone to safely express himself.

Gemini is the sign of communication, and it gives us the ability to mirror back what someone is trying to articulate. So, once you’ve heard someone out, try an exercise of repeating back what the person just told you. Not in an awkward parroting way (that’s just weird), but in the “What I think I hear you saying is [insert the summary of what they said here]. Is that right?” Maybe they’ll correct you a little, maybe they’ll just thank you. It’s incredibly validating to feel like someone “gets” it.

You could even make this a formal exercise with someone important, where you both listen without interrupting, then mirror back a la the Imago Dialogue workshops. Ophi had an old boyfriend who initiated a practice called The Fortress of Solitude (hey, he was a fantasy fiction and sci-fi dude)—10 minutes each of uninterrupted talking to work out what was on their minds. It actually helped a lot.

Finish a conversation, project, thought or idea.
Back at the Gemini solar eclipse on June 1, 2011, seeds were planted. You met someone, had an epiphany, came up with a cool idea. Check your calendar to see what was happening near that date. Chances are, it’s coming back full circle.

Rethink how you “get around.”
Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet of transportation and travel. Eclipses are swift changemakers that can revolutionize the way we do things, and the Gemini/Sagittarius eclipses (from 2010-2014) are affecting how the world gets from Point A to Point B. Are you driving around in a gas guzzler when you could be biking or taking public transportation? Consider switching from four wheels to two, or taking the shoe leather express now and again. Could you shrink that carbon footprint by carpooling? If you’re verging into Sasquatch terrain, share a ride with a coworker or friend. Bonus: You might start the day with a great conversation or a laugh.

Maybe you keep things status quo—but shift how you spend your transit time. If you’ve been zoning out on the train playing Angry Birds or deleting spam, why not load an e-reader onto your smartphone, listen to new music (hit your friends up for recommendations), or even meditate? If you’re a car commuter, tune into public radio, a great podcast or an inspiring audio book. It beats the third-grade humor and ass-backward rants from that uninformed drive-time DJ (punctuated by the Mariah Carey-Justin Bieber “All I Want for Christmas Is You” remix … again). Not to be intellectual snobs here, but Gemini does rule the mind. Load up on some brain food. There’s plenty available, and a lot is even free.

Get free daily, weekly and monthly horoscopes from The AstroTwins at astrostyle.com.

Photo credit: Rachel Byer

How I Handle Criticism

I recently got an email from a fan with a deep desire to play big in her life and career. There’s only one problem, she’s terrified of the type of criticism she might receive if she really puts herself out there. “Kris, how do you navigate the good, bad and ugly?” What a fantastic question!

First and foremost, I’ve cultivated a sacred relationship with myself. I literally have my own back and am an excellent (self) bodyguard. I also believe in KC, and drum roll … I like me. Sure, meanies can sting, but I can’t be torn down easily. Good reviews, bad reviews, why hold onto either? If you believe you’re the next Jesus, then you’d better believe you’re the devil too. That’s the roller coaster ride you buy a ticket for when you choose to get caught up in others’ opinions of you. As long as what you’re putting out in the world resonates with you, feels good in your soul’s tummy, and helps folks, that’s all the validation you need. Here’s another test: Would you be proud of what you’re doing ten years from now? 20 years, etc? If so, charge on!

Over the Crazy Sexy years, I’ve experienced a bloody-wrestling match with criticism. I’m not going to lie, every once in a while I wish my life were simpler and private. But I signed up for more this time around. And more is stunning and complicated. Not everyone is open to my wellness philosophy, irreverent sass, my desire to be a smart businesswoman and my willingness to stand up for animals, people and the planet. So how can we learn to separate constructive criticism from useless finger-waging whining?  On top of that, how do we build a tougher shell to fight against bullies? It’s simple: 99 percent of the time, the stabbing comment is not about you. It’s about them. The haters will hate because they are hurt and sad and mad. Your shine freaks the holy-hell fuck out of them. Capiche?

In these situations, the quicker you shake it off and march forward, the better. Send compassion, love and forgiveness to the person attacking you. Yuck!? Yeah, I know that can be a hard pill to swallow. But boy does it reframe the situation fast. Maybe they’re having a bad day or haven’t quite learned to master the fine art of communication. Whatever the case: Never let their issues bring you down. If you can be honest with yourself, it’s pretty easy to see what information is beneficial and what needs to be tossed. Can’t see things clearly? Ask a trusted friend or colleague. Here’s another way to look at harsh commentary: When you start to get a reaction from the outside world, you know that you’re pushing boundaries and challenging yourself (and others) to grow. So, rock on pioneer!

Safe ways to deal with criticism:

1. Consider the source. Is the commenter a friend or foe? Are they speaking from a place of security and openness or anger and negativity? Even if you don’t know the person, you can usually tell a lot about them from their tone. Often, destructive, snarky criticism is a projection of the insecurity and unresolved issues of the giver. These comments can be the most biting, but also the most unfounded and telling. When you march to your own beat, you’re going to piss people off because it makes them feel uneasy about their place in the world. Thought-provokers are prime targets for being misquoted and manipulated, and you can’t control that – trust me! Take a breath and objectively examine the source before crawling into a hole of self-loathing. Plus, that person is already occupying the hole. Do you really want to hang with them?

2. Practice non-attachment. Whether the response is good or bad, you will benefit from creating distance between yourself and your work. These remarks don’t define you as a person. And remember what I said a hot second ago. You can’t control how folks perceive you. If you really want to dampen your spark, go ahead and try. Seriously, it’s not possible, so just keep your side of the street clean and let go. For example, health is a hot button issue for a whole lotta folks. To keep moving ahead, I have to remind myself that I am not merely the product of my work. I am not an inspirational patient. I am not a trailblazer. I am not a glass of green juice. I am not defined by how the world perceives my work. I am Kris. No more, no less. Sure I have goals. But my work and my life are very different – even though my life is deeply embedded in my work. Make sense? If I allowed myself to be defined by these things, I would’ve stopped years ago. And remember this, just because someone says something about you, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Is one weak voice going to silence you? No way!

3. Pull out the gems. Once in a while, you’ll receive a big honking piece of fabulous feedback. This type of critique is one of the greatest gifts a person can give you. Cherish these nuggets even if they’re difficult to digest. Constructive criticism may make you feel a little uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t hurt your feelings or cut you down. Instead, it can teach you how to better serve and build your business.

A special note about the Internet: Remember that the Internet gives everyone a voice. That’s what’s so great about it. But it also makes it an emotional land mine. People who are in pain have a really easy time venting from a laptop, especially if they never have to meet you in person or be held accountable. Journalists too. No matter how lovely they may seem, they often have their own agendas that do not include your best interest in mind. If you find yourself at a place in your career where you are being interviewed, check out the writer. Does he or she have a respectful, clean tone? How intelligent is the person? Are their values aligned with yours? If not, you can say … no. Opportunities will come and go, you’ll always have them. I promise.

Bottom line: Don’t let the fear of criticism hold you back. Use the good stuff as rocket fuel, the thoughtful advice to hone your message, and throw the junk in the trash where it belongs.

Peace & encouragement,

KC

Photo credit: TeX HeX

Sharing Your Diet and Lifestyle Changes

by Kim Kleinman

Everyone wants to change, but everyone fears it, too. Changing the status quo stretches us and the people around us, and like a rubber band, SNAP! Reaction! You probably have your own issues with change. Wouldn’t it be great if the people around you would help you get past the anxiety that comes with creating a new lifestyle? Of course it would. But what can you do if the people around you aren’t on board?

This is important. Changing your lifestyle can save your life, so take it seriously. Have a serious sit-down with the people in your life whose reactions to your changes are important to you. The most important thing to do here is listen. Answering their questions is fine, but don’t go into the defensive zone, and stay far away from the argument arena. What you are listening for is not so much their opinion about green juice or yoga. You are going to be listening even deeper for what they may be afraid of. Are they worried that you are going to drop your doctors, or that your entire personality will change?

Changing food can have a lot of symbolic meaning. Food and culture are linked. When people talk about diet change, I often hear, “No one in my family eats alfalfa sprouts.” Changing the amount of time you spend on yourself can cause a lot of dust to fly, too. Does it mean you resented your family or friends in the past? Does it mean you don’t care anymore?

After listening, the next step is thinking. Can you address these concerns and reassure everyone? Are you going to have to forge a solo path and hope your friends and family will follow?

Redefining your concept of connectedness may help. An infant’s concept of connectedness is formed around being fed, and the infant needs mommy or daddy in the room to feel safe and secure. Attachment can branch out and take more mature forms that aren’t based on concrete things like food or physical connectedness. It can take the form of being understood, remembered, thought about and cared about.

I overheard a college student complaining about his father’s lack of connection. He said, “My father doesn’t know who my friends are, what classes I’m taking or whether I’m sad or happy.” A college student who is hours away from home can feel if his or her parents are connected by whether he or she is kept in mind. If you need to rethink what forms love can take, you can bring the people around you along. It will be yet another healthy step. So when you head out for a run, you can tell your partner you will be thinking about something special for your alone time later.

When you skip the night out with the girls because you just can’t manage the temptation of the sugary margaritas and the fried mozzarella sticks, you can call the restaurant and tell the waiter to bring a bottle of wine to their table with your compliments. Tell the girls that when you feel like you are on more solid ground, you’ll be able to join them and have salad, as long as they promise to keep the sliders on the other side of the table.

Here are some tips to make the transition easier for you and those you love:

Communicate clearly. Give the people in your life a brief yet clear play-by-play of your moves. You may not know your final destination, but you need to clarify what your journey is. I’ve had times when I’ve emphasized physical fitness, other times dietary changes. Sometimes I revert to having some conventional foods in my diet, and sometimes I’m not willing to make any exceptions to my plan. It’s OK to change, and it’s OK to say, “Remember last week I was all about organic everything? Now I’m taking a break from that. It was too hard. I’m just trying to change as much as I’m comfortable with.”

Tone is everything here. Do you sound serious and resolved? You want to be clear that you take this seriously. However, you also want to make sure you leave some wiggle room. You don’t want have to hide when you eat a hot dog or skip yoga; that will make you feel shame. You are serious about the changes you want, and clear about your own intra-psychic rubber band.

Be ready to agree to disagree. Until now, you may have felt you needed to eat the same foods and do the same things as the people around you. Our connection to family and our culture is often expressed through food or shared activity. However, love and caring can be expressed in many different forms, the most important being talking and acts of caring. So if your partner doesn’t drink green juice, it doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t love you, and if you stop eating green Jell-o fruit salad, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost respect for your family.

Create space to address the concerns of those whose opinions matter. Have you made space in your mind and time in your day to really take in the concerns of the people whose opinions matter to you? Sometimes the people around you can calm down and support your new lifestyle if they feel you have really heard their concerns. You may even be able to address their concerns once you have heard the underlying worries expressed.

Remind everyone how important they are to you and how much you love them. The most typical reason the people around you may resist the changes you want to make is because they worry it means you have changed how you feel about them. Let them know you still love them and think about them. Once you do that, they may not blink an eye when you have a big bowl of lettuce for dinner.

Kim Kleinman is a cancer survivor, mom and green juice drinking yogini who knows understanding how one’s mind works helps people feel empowered. She has been a practicing psychotherapist for 30 years and has worked with hundreds of children, parents and adults who want to change their lives.

Photo credit: nikoretro

Putting the “Me” in Media

Hi there! I don’t know if we’ve met, but I’m the media. (OK, fine, I’m not all of it, but I am definitely one teeny tiny part. Jon Stewart, Anderson Cooper and Jane Velez-Mitchell are in here somewhere, too.) So often people talk about “the media” and its influence on our society and culture as though it was a singular entity and a really mean one. It feels like the media is basically the equivalent of a cultural Balrog, the big nasty monster of shadow and fire from “The Lord of the Rings.” (Oh, excuse me. My nerd slip is showing!) As technology progresses, the media’s swirling firestorm grows exponentially. Every time a new method of delivering information to people is developed, we are more continually blasted with the influence of the media.

Creating more news conduits (aka technologies) makes room for more news providers, and as a result people have become very choosy about the types of news they take in and from which providers. Long gone are the days when every house in any city would have the local paper delivered daily, which gave the community not only a register, but a shape from having its residents sharing the same knowledge of current events. Now, we can choose to get tweets from certain sections or reporters from our favorite paper, stream only the clips of video that we most want to watch, or rely completely on blogs for our doses of daily info. While this specificity does make the news experience much more personal (and thankfully keeps newsletters with non-vegan dishes out of my inbox), it also makes the media seem like an unimaginably big monster, continually spewing out tweets, re-tweets, re-postings, links and newsletters that collate them all.

But here’s the thing: I’m the media. As managing editor of a national magazine (that just so happens to be about veganism, my favorite subject of all time), I have basically the best job on the entire planet, and one that falls decidedly under the media umbrella. I’m not just saying this to flatter myself, but I don’t too closely resemble the Balrog. At 5 feet 3 inches tall, my firestorm is more like a warm breeze. I’m a person, probably much like you. I like kale salad, walking to work and very nearly anything with chocolate on it. The big swirling mass of media is made up of tons of people, and none of the ones I’ve met have big pointy horns.

So, come over and say hi! I swear not to bite or throw molten lava at you. It’s my job to know about the amazing project that you’ve just started and tell the world about it. Media culture is a perfect example of squeaky wheels getting greased. If you have the most magnificent non-profit on the planet, you need to sound an alert! Let me know about the phenomenal book of vegan recipes you’re coming out with; tell me all the details of the vegan food company you’re about to launch, and clue me in when you’re planning an event so wonderful that I’d be embarrassed not to know about it. Call me! (OK, in reality, I prefer email, but other editors might disagree.) The good news is that with so many more reporters, editors and bloggers out in the world these days, you have even more opportunity to let the world know about whatever amazing work you are doing.

Contacting the media is something even we in the media need to know how to do. Here’s a little for instance: Once upon a time (a few months ago) we had just announced the winners of our 2010 Veggie Awards. Since we’re fortunate to have a lovely relationship with the editors at Ecorazzi, they gave their readers a little sneak peek of our lineup, which sent a bunch of traffic to our website and created buzz around our story. Sure, you’re thinking, media love fests are fine and dandy for you insiders, but what about me, the mere mortal? Try this example on for size: When Eleni Vlachos started the Bull City Vegan Challenge – a competition that encouraged restaurants to offer new, vegan items on their menus for the month of October – one of the first things she did was email me the scoop. The result? Her hometown activism was featured on VegNews.com.

As much as it might seem like the media is unreachable, uncaring or unreasonable, it’s made up of people who (for the most part) want to tell good stories. Each of us has the chance to shape the media. With any luck, we’ll someday talk about it like something slightly less scary than a fire-breathing monster and more like a trusted friend.

Photo Credit: Valerie Everett