Shining a Light on Body Image

Body image is more than your goal weight or how your legs are defined; it’s fully enjoying the mystery and pleasure of the body and of your life as a whole. This includes being comfortable in your femininity, your sexuality and giving your authentic gifts — not what society thinks you “should be” doing.

Controlling the body and weight is often a subconscious surrogate for trying to control uncertainty. Fear and doubt arise about what life will throw your way, what’s “out there.” And let’s be real, there is a lot “out there.” Whether you’ve found more relief in your own research than your doctors, had a marriage dissolve or the job path you were told to take has disappeared, the structures you’ve relied upon no longer support you. But did they ever? Is it the cancer, divorce, or career reimagining that nearly kills you? Or is it the fear of “Will I be loved? Will I be taken care of? Can I make it?”

Controlling body image is a clever avoidance technique for existential questions. I did it for 12 years after my own teenage cancer experience. But life is not so shallow that you’ll get the answers you want in a different body or weight. A size-4 hourglass figure is still  subject to life’s Russian roulette. And a size 18-body is fully capable of being loved and feeling secure in that love. Regardless of where you view your body now, the only way to heal your body image is to go within with your own, self-generated healing light. Here are some empowering ways to glow:

1. Expand your definition of femininity. Femininity is not dumb, timid or slutty. It’s powerful. That power comes from receiving what life is offering and knowing you can create something beautiful rather than pushing and stressing about what you do or don’t have. In a group I was running, one woman discussed how she knew her arch-nemesis would be at a wedding. She felt amazing in her outfit and when she received a gracious compliment from this Mean Girl — what she was hoping for all night — she said, “Thanks, but really, it’s just a flattering dress.” Life will never give you more if you don’t appreciate what you already have. Start by receiving compliments (a graceful “thank you” suffices!), pleasure and support. Receiving is code for the confidence of being deserving.

2. Nourishing movement. The easiest outlet to find pleasure is to stop exercising out of obligation and start moving in inspiration. There’s a big difference. One client of mine convinced herself that she loved running. During our work together, she realized she didn’t love running — she loved running away from her fear of being fat. Understanding how her body image issues were a need for control, I showed her how they were ultimately controlling her. She ditched the rigid running schedule and decided to try Bikram yoga. For a month, she was uneasy about hanging out in this unknown. But four physical pounds less and a 1,000-pound psychic weight off her shoulders, she felt more powerful and in control than ever. She appreciates her body in a way she never has after nourishing her body and skill set in the unknown.

3. Community: Careful! Community is not going to a weight-loss group where you “share” food obsessions and tricks to eat less. Bonding over your food and body struggles is safe. It might be hard to find people who want to be alive, not partners in crime, or even awkward to find something other than food, exercise or the scale to discuss. I know from 18 years of dieting that you have to find new interests. Embrace finding new peers as an adventure. In a nurturing group, you’ll find some of the best parts of yourself.

As you step outside of yourself, you’ll embody who you authentically are inside. The body becomes a gift for re-learning control in a more confident way. You will learn to appreciate how it has helped you be comfortable in the uncomfortable. You will return to your own light — one that’s vibrant and beautiful.

Ali Shapiro is a 20-year cancer survivor, regular NBC Philadelphia contributor and works with individuals and groups to simplify their relationship to food by simplifying their diet and life. 

Photo credit: jma.work

5 Steps to Love Your Body

Summer is undeniably a good time to deal with your body. We are all, the willing and the unwilling, forced to deal with our bodies. Even commercials on TV are telling us it’s time to rein in the calories. But it’s predictable that unless you dig in a new, deeper way, all your good intentions may be out the window. There’s a lot I can share with you in this area of life, from personal experience.

For the last 6 years, I have been an exercise lover, living in a size 4 body, enjoying what it can do. But for most of the years before that, I was a size 10-14, pretty grumpy, whiny, tired, carb/sugar-addict who felt that eating crap was my divine right as a feminist. My favorite saying was “why would anyone sweat on purpose?” I thought people who took care to eat well and exercise were pretentious. I think I might have been protesting too much?

It wasn’t until a dear friend pointed out to me that I was gaining significant weight (growing out of my mom’s hand-me-downs) that I woke up to my dream in this area. I had always imagined myself as healthy, petite and light and I truly was not aware of how far I was from this ideal until she said something. I am grateful I didn’t have to wait for a health crisis to set me on a much healthier path and now I want to make sure you don’t either. I promise you aren’t aware of the toll bad food choices and lack of exercise are having on every areas of your life, and your self-esteem. Likewise, you don’t know how fantastic committing to change in this area will be.

Here is the summary of steps I followed:

1. Stop resisting that you have to deal with your body. It comes with being human. It’s just the childlike “brat” in your head that wishes it were different. Mature adults recognize that it’s actually a privilege to learn to make good choices. In fact, it’s what differentiates us from (impulsive) children. We can delay gratification, and when we do, lo and behold, we feel better about ourselves.

2. Recognize that dealing with your body will make everything better. (Wait, read that again and let it sink in.) Starting with your self-respect and self-confidence, you’ll be more focused, alert and better rested. You will notice an improvement in your love life, family life, sex life and your professional life. That is a big “bang for your buck!”

3. Tell people about your new intentions and be specific. Not just: “I want to lose 20 pounds this year,” but: “I want to lose one pound a week and I am going to do it by XYZ method.”

4. Set yourself up to win by starting with a realistic goal and realistic limitations. As long as you are successfully shedding weight (or re-sculpting, or even gaining, depending on your issues, according to your dream,) schedule in treats so you prevent feeling deprived.

5. Be proud that you are going for your dream. Know that it means you are going to have to tackle the bratty voices in your head every day and you’ll have to face fears too. (We call this your “brat” and your “chicken” and they can be so convincing!) Most of us keep on extra weight to avoid dealing with fear of intimacy, facing something that isn’t working in our lives or dealing with sexuality issues. So be proud that you are willing to let those things come up and finally deal with them.

How Will You Show Your Body Some Love Today?

by Cora Poage

For many years I was caught in a steamy, intimate and tumultuous relationship. I would call it codependent, maybe slightly abusive. I placed my “Ex” on a pedestal and truly saw him as an idol of sorts. If my Ex was kind to me, I had a fabulous day. If he was moody or “off,” my day was ruined. I was yearning for freedom from my partner, but I was too scared to leave or move on.

Who was this ex-partner I speak of? I will give you three hints:

1. He was very quiet.
2. He lived in the bathroom.
3. He only saw me naked.

Drum roll please … My ex-partner was …

My scale!

We used to be a really tight pair. There are days from my past where I weighed myself three or more times a day. Heck, my scale was seeing more of my naked body than my husband (sorry, Babe).

If the number on the scale was lower than the time before, I was happy. If it was the same or higher, then I was devastated. For many years, I allowed my scale to determine my self-worth. I allowed my life to be controlled by a tiny piece of metal. I was obsessive.

Then one day I had enough of this crazy relationship. I realized it was time for the dreaded Break Up. I decided to throw away my scale. Okay, okay, not quite. I told my hubby to hide it from me. Boy, did I go through withdrawal. I spent many a day ransacking the apartment searching frantically for the elusive scale.

But once I made it through the initial shock stage and the mourning process, I began healing. These days my self-worth is not measured by a shiny metal object in the bathroom. I look in the mirror, and I love what I see — whether or not I’ve reached some magic number on the scale. And like magic, as my inner healing took place, and I repaired my relationship with my body, I naturally began to release weight! My body really responded to the trust and love that I was finally showing towards her.

Breaking up with my scale was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. Yet, ending that relationship gave me freedom: freedom to know that I am so much more than a number, freedom to believe that I am beautiful and worthy whatever my weight. Most importantly, when I ended my obsessive relationship with the scale, I chose to embrace my body with love and acceptance.

There are moments when I am tempted to go back. I see that sexy and slim scale in my gym locker room, and I think, “Just a quick little weigh-in won’t hurt, a tiny rendezvous.”

Then I shake my head, stand in front of the mirror and send my body a mental love letter of gratitude and awe. I bravely walk past the tempting scale and towards my true freedom.

How will you show your body some love today?

Cora Poage is a Holistic Health Coach and owner of Sexy Soul Wellness. She helps her clients co-manifest their ideal bodies and lives through Soul-Centered Eating, Exercising and Living. For support on Loving Your Body, Owning Your Power, and Living Your Dreams email Coach Cora at cora@sexysoulwellness.com

Photo credit: incurable_hippie

Love Yourself First

“I’d rather be naked.” These were the words on the t-shirt I saw in Walgreens. It was a size that could only be worn by a young child. I smiled, thinking how self-love comes so naturally for young children. We are born loving ourselves soul, mind, and body, but as the years go on, we tend to forget that unconditional love and acceptance.

For many, many years I did not love myself, especially my body. It was difficult for me to even look in the mirror. I did not re-learn how to love myself from church, my family, or traditional school. In fact, I learned the true meaning of self-love through conquering a raging addiction. I was not addicted to drugs, or alcohol, or men; I was addicted to dieting. I spent six years of my life in the throes of a nasty addiction to trend diets and compulsive exercise.

How did this addiction begin? In October of my freshman year in college, after a series of negative dating experiences, questionable “friend” choices, and a coke-addicted roommate with a habit of punching holes in the wall, I fell into a depression unlike any other I had previously experienced. This lasted about two excruciating months, where I did not leave my dorm except to eat and go to class. I lost touch with my center, gained a bit of weight, and was completely unmotivated.

Then, I took up jogging. This helped alleviate my depression. It didn’t happen overnight, but running each morning gave me a reason to wake up, allowed me to set attainable goals, and connected me to a community of others who shared my passion.

However, the passion soon took on obsession-like qualities. My fixation with exercise began to include restriction and fascination with food. The diet addiction was in full swing: I began to stand on the scale once a day, sometimes more. If the number went up, my day was ruined.

Whatever the trendiest diet craze, I became their most valuable customer. I jumped from Atkins, eating all protein and meat, to an unhealthy vegan diet, eating no protein and meat. I tried South Beach and the Zone. I never ate dessert. I completely lost touch with my inner wisdom, guidance, and sense of balance.

I was buying into everyone else’s money-making “Health Plan” and completely separating from my soul, which was the intuitive part of me that knew what I needed to be healthy, at peace, and truly in love with my body and self. Furthermore, I spent a lot of time and effort “feeding” this diet/body/weight obsession. I had no energy or time left for cultivating my creativity, my spirituality, my zest for life, and my love for myself.

Just when it felt like there was no hope, I began to read and learn about Intuitive Eating, Exercising, and Living. This was a revolutionary concept for me. With the help of authors like Dr. Dorie McCubbrey and Geneen Roth, I tapped into my own inner guide and began to follow these “anti-diet” guidelines:

-My body knows exactly what it wants to eat, how much, and when.
-I can trust my body’s wisdom, hunger, and full point.
-My body knows what type of activity it wants to do and for how long.
-Following someone else’s plan only leads me further from the wisdom of my authentic self.

The most important aspect of this newfound strategy was to LOVE MYSELF FIRST and love my body NOW; not after I lost ten pounds or fit into a smaller size. I practiced daily affirmations: “I am loving and accepting myself fully right now.” I made gratitude lists of everything about my body that I appreciated. “My legs carry me through amazing jogs through the park.” I threw away my scale, refusing to sacrifice my power to a random number. I spent time naked in front of a full length mirror and noticing the beautiful curves of my body. At first, I had to “fake it till I make it,” as the saying goes, but soon I was truly loving myself and practicing self-care to show my body and soul how much I appreciated them.

I can now say that I am done with diet addiction. My body has taught me what foods help me feel energetically alive. I eat dessert, and I usually eat just enough to feel satisfied. I recognize my full point, and I try not to eat too far past it.

Furthermore, as my mind/body/soul connection grew through intuitive living, other areas of my life were positively impacted. I finally allowed myself to accept the love of my best friend, the man of my dreams. My confidence grew and I was able to move on from an exhausting job and into owning my own business, one that feeds my soul and gives back to the world.

Sometimes I have the urge to go back to that time in my life and hug that 22 year old, tell her that she is fine the way she is and that no amount of diet/weight obsession will create self-acceptance and love. Sometimes, I wonder what my life would have been like without that war I waged against myself… but I trust there was a deeper, Divine purpose.

Also, I do embrace that young woman from the past in my own way, each time I work with a client or witness a friend as she searches for self-acceptance, for her inner wisdom, and begins to love her body and self more completely. Together, we are part of a revolution of women who are choosing to love ourselves fully mind, soul, and BODY! I’m going to check if they have the “I’d rather be naked” shirts in larger sizes…

Cora Poage lives in New York City with her incredible husband Ben (her “other” soulmate) and her two crazy kitties. She is the owner of Super Woman Health, a company offering wellness coaching for learning to eat, exercise, and live intuitively.

Photo Credit: insearchofbalance

What I Learned in the Eye of the Storm

By Emme

I, like many of you, have been to the belly of the beast and have made it back to share a tale or two… all I have to say is thank you God for getting me to this day and enabling me to share my journey!

I am a lymphatic cancer survivor, the mother of my energetic beautiful daughter, recently divorced and dating, selling my home of 20 years, and leaping into the world of fundraising for the Body Image Council, a not-for-profit program I founded for the National Eating Disorders Association. I am, without a doubt, a survivor with gusto!

“Why are you so driven?” you may ask. Quite frankly, I am because I am alive. I am because my mother is not here and was not given the chance to be (she had her own bout with bone cancer back in the late ‘70s). I am because as my daughter’s role model, I need to show her that having cancer is not a death sentence. I am because I am happy to do it all. Bring it on!

Knowing what I know now, and in honor of both my daughter and my mom, I embrace my hectic life and strive to infuse quality into all that I do—in fact, I require it in all aspects of my life. Quality counts in all things: personal choices, professional choices, spiritual practice, and even decisions regarding those with whom I share my time. This time around, it all matters.

Needless to say, since having conquered cancer, life and its meaning have changed. Thankfully, the big “C” forced me to take inventory and gave me the opportunity to do things a bit differently. Now I require a regular meditation and yoga practice, something I scoffed at in the past. I feel off-kilter if my homemade kale and spinach soup is not sitting on my stove ready to eat with a cup of rice. Unnecessary noise in the house has been reduced to a minimum. Quiet time, periods of solitude and peaceful music (iTunes, radio, ambiance, birdsong; Maxwell, Joss Stone and other grooves) are common in my world now.

In my love life, I must admit, a great romp is breathtaking. But I have made the decision to forgo the quick fix for quality: a man and partner who loves sex as much as I do, professes his love for me in innumerable ways, wants to protect me and my daughter, and doesn’t have a problem with picking up the tab (rather than waiting for me to do so). I’m certain he’s out there; it is just a matter of time! Seriously, it all boils down to quality.

I learned a lesson quite humorously after my final treatment two years ago. My frame of mind at the time was, “Okay, done that, NEXT!” And I mistakenly told myself that I could now get back to my life as it was pre-cancer. Not! I had been warned not to fool myself into believing this, as it could cause irreparable harm, but I have never been one to listen very well unless burned of my own hand. So there I was, my body just shut down and I was hit with the most inexhaustible feeling that the world was closing in on me—and I literally couldn’t move. I was in the eye of my personal storm, so to speak. No can go. Stop.

I had to acknowledge that life had changed, and that I had changed, forever. In fact it was necessary that I embrace the change. Since the pain of not changing was harder than the change itself, I ultimately allowed it to wash over me. I had to slow down and gracefully honor the life before me; to respect what had taken place; and to love myself enough to take good care of both myself and my incredible daughter, who will need me for decades to come. It is incredibly powerful to show my little woman-in-the-making how to demand the best of yourself and of those around you. This had become the only possible path for me, the new me: from the woman who was birthed the moment I heard the words “you have cancer” to the woman I became on my last day of treatment. That woman, with you here, is me; and much, much more so than before—as Mary J. Blige says, with “no more drama.”

Emme is a cancer survivor, supermodel, television personality, author, lecturer, clothing designer, and nationally recognized women’s advocate for positive body image and self-esteem with a clear mission: to awaken the inner magnificence inherent in each of us. She is also a mother, sister, aunt, and friend. For more information, visit www.EmmeStyle.com and www.bodyimagecouncil.org.