Live Your Truth, Love Your Life

In my 15 years as a therapist in NYC and LA, the inability to communicate authentically and truthfully was one of the most common issues for clients. This leads to living “in-authentically” with low satisfaction and high frustration levels. More importantly, it is impossible to fulfill your dharma (life’s purpose) if you cannot access your authentic self.

I have partnered with Ashley Turner, a rock star yoga psychologist and instructor in LA, who has also been a clinician for many years. We were drawn together by our mutual passion for empowering clients to live authentically. Below, in a nutshell, are our 6 keys to living your truth and loving your life.

Key 1: Know Your Truth

This requires unlearning all of the ways you have been taught to deny personal truth. Many of you were taught that speaking your truth was rude if it in some way offended another person, thus you developed the Disease to Please. To get back to your truth, you need to tap into your body’s wisdom. In order to hear what your body (intuition) is saying, you must become still and silent for a dedicated period of time on a daily basis. So, start meditating and journaling about how your truth was received as a child to connect the dots forward to issues you may have today with speaking your truth.

Key 2: Speak Your Truth

Once you have systems in place to help you recognize your truth, the next step is to be able to effectively honor and communicate it. This includes learning to say “NO” and to clearly ask for what you need (“Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., is an excellent book on how to communicate effectively in business and personal relationships). In addition to verbal expression, expressing your authentic self through clothing, decorating your personal space and creating something from nothing (art, writing, etc.) are all fun and liberating ways to mirror your authenticity back to you.

Key 3: F*CK Your Mafia (FEAR) Mind

If your fear mind is running your life’s show, it is also extorting the joy from it. Learning that most fear is just a feeling, not a fact, frees you to change your response. This requires present moment awareness to stop the fearful thought from becoming reality. Fear is part of the human condition and informative, but you do have control over how much it controls you. To be authentic, you must be willing to stretch out of your comfort zone. Have faith that you will survive, thrive and learn what it is you are meant to know when you do what you are called to do. Fear can be your biggest teacher or the roadblock to where you want to go. You decide.

Key 4: You = The Only One

“Comparison is the thief of joy” -Dwight Edwards

Since you are the only you now and evermore, trying to live another’s life is simply impossible. Focus on the qualities that set you apart, honor your integrity in all you do and accept your shadow self with kindness. No one else has your unique gifts and talents.

Key 5: Downloaded Blueprints

Any area of your life that is not working is most likely built on a faulty blueprint designed by others. Revealing your limiting, inherited beliefs is the beginning of re-drawing your blueprint to actually fit what you want to create. This requires reflection and a willingness to do the work to change your mind about what you were taught about “the way it is.”

Key 6: Revealing & Building Core Self with Balance

The foundation for authentic living is having balance in all areas. This includes health, relationships, career, spirituality and finances. As you identify where you are out of balance, you can start to make concrete changes to come back to center. Small changes will add up to big shifts, so ditch the “all or nothing” mentality and start today!

Although this is the abbreviated version of our six keys, I hope it has provoked thought. Not all of the keys will apply to you, so take what resonates and leave the rest. Every one of the keys to  living your truth and loving your life requires some daily stillness and silence coupled with mindful awareness.

Here’s to living your truth and loving your beautiful amazing one-of-a-kind life!

For more by this author, visit: terricole.com. Also, you can check out the full course, “Live Your Truth & Love Your Life,” with Terri and Ashley on En*theos. There’s still time to join!

Present Moments Make the Best Presents

Holiday mode is in full swing! Here comes the month when many people hit the ground running and don’t stop until they crash on New Years Day, needing a vacation from their vacation. The entire season can become a blur of obligation and stress from running yourself ragged both physically and emotionally. However, you have the power the make this year different.

Effectively managing the fast pace of today’s American lifestyle can be super stress provoking at any time of year, but the holidays elevate that stress to a stratospheric level, unless you put a plan in place. Think about the way you go through your daily activities. Do you allot plenty of time to get them all done? Do you do them with ease and pay attention to what you are doing? Or do you rush with clenched jaw and fists throughout the day, not noticing anything except for your to-do list, feeling totally stressed, and as though there is never enough time?

Part of what we are exploring here is mindfulness: clear moment-to-moment awareness of what is actually happening. When you are thinking about what’s next, you are robbed of THIS moment, and the magic of the season is lost.

Thanksgiving through New Year’s is always an interesting time period to explore your relationship with being present. People adore the idea of this season because it represents gratitude for blessings and spending time with loved ones, but the reality of trying to cram it all in – and with joy no less – can be a very different experience. There are food and toy drives to spread the “true meaning of the holidays”, but how often do you get caught up in the hype and operate on automatic obligatory pilot? From serving a big Thanksgiving meal to participating in crazy-making Black Friday shopping, the “meaning” can get lost in the mayhem. How can you bring yourself back to the here and now and rock some present moment consciousness so you can rejoice more, react less, and actually be in the moment?

Start by taking a deep breath, slowing down, and sinking into some stillness and silence.

Give yourself the gift of dedicating as little as 2 minutes in the morning this holiday season to meditation. Take this time to see all the activities of your day falling into place with ease and grace and feel gratitude for all that is right in your life right now. This practice creates an internal sacred space of centered awareness that can be the calm in the holiday storm and keep you connected to the true meaning of the season.

Make a commitment to truly enjoy being with your children as you decorate the house – pine needles be damned! Let their wonder and awe fill you with excitement.  Allow a car in front of you in traffic knowing it won’t make you arrive any later to your destination and will make that person happy. Smile at the weary sales clerk and understand he’s been working long hours and dealing with lots of people. Meditation allows you to be present and awake in your life and can create the space for you to do all of these things and more. It is possible to actually enjoy the next month!

Years from now most people won’t remember what “stuff” they got or gave, but they will remember a kind word, emotional generosity, and feelings of appreciation. One of my favorite lines comes from the cute, animated film Kung Fu Panda, “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift, and that is why it’s called the present.” The best gift you can give this holiday season is your presence in the present.

For more on how to optimize your life, visit TerriCole.com

Want an easy, breezy, foolproof way to rock a meditation practice this season? My first guided meditation CD, Meditation Transformation, is on sale right now and will be delivered in time for Christmas! Digital download also available.

Turn Your Financial Fear Into Financial Freedom

When you think about your finances, what word immediately jumps into your mind? What feeling do you get in your body? What visuals do you see? Does money have the power to constrict you?

Recent studies confirm that financial distress remains the top stressor in Americans’ lives and is the number one reason for marital discord. As a therapist in New York City for 14 years, I have learned that having money does not necessarily equate to achieving happiness. In fact, many of my more privileged clients have major issues with money that create guilt, dependency, low self-esteem and an array of other issues. Money in family relationships is never as simple as dollars and cents. It can be used to love, punish, control and reward. The financial culture in your family has informed all of your financial choices.

The first step to decoding your relationship to money is to understand your financial culture. You have a blueprint of “How It Really Is,” according to your family of origin, which was downloaded into your subconscious mind as a child. I use the term “blueprint” because your internal financial belief system is like the architectural blueprint for a house … that someone else designed. If you came from a culture of financial fear and lack, you may pinch your pennies, be wary of investing and, regardless of how much money you save, still feel there will never be enough. However, just like the architectural blueprint, you can change your mind’s framework. If you want to move from the fear of financial lack into the freedom of financial abundance, the first step is to understand your current blueprint and what you can do to change it. Answer the questions below to gain clarity.

• What was your family culture about money?
• Who controlled the finances?
• Was money used as a reward?
• Was money withheld as a punishment?
• As a child, did you worry about money?
• Were your basic needs met?
• Did your parents fight about money?
• What were you taught about money from your parents or caregivers?
• Was there an open or closed dialogue about money in your home?
• Did your family consider themselves wealthy, middle class or poor?

Take time to really marinate on your answers and allow yourself to dig deep and really feel what the financial climate was like growing up. Once you write down your answers, you will gain insight into your downloaded money myths.

The second step in creating a healthier relationship to money is to realize that there is no “reality” about abundance. Your parents taught you what they did and that became your reality about money. That does not make it reality or a permanent belief. Many parents pass their money fears down to children thinking they are protecting or preparing them for “the way it is.” The way it was for your parents does not have to be the way it is for you. Family systems that teach children money-management skills, a strong work ethic and concrete tools create a more abundant blueprint. Financial fear creates constriction around money. Since we are all made up of energy, feelings of constriction block your flow of abundance and cloud your ability to see potential opportunities for financial gain.

So if you don’t like what you have discovered about your inherited money blueprint, fear not. The best news is that you have the power right now to re-draw it.

Below are the first action steps for your New and Improved Money Blueprint.

Be Here Now. By creating the ability to be present in your life, you create the opening to catch the fearful thought before it gets filed in the “reality” bin. The only way to change ingrained thought patterns is to be aware enough, in the present moment, to stop and change the thought. You can achieve this through breathing exercises, daily meditation and awareness. Changing anything on purpose is almost impossible if you don’t have internal stillness and silence daily. You need to slow down enough to become the observer of your thoughts, to sort through them and figure out which are fear-based and not serving your purpose and which are opportunities for you to create the life of your dreams.

Words Have Wings. Be aware of the way you talk about money and change all of the language that is not in line with your goals. Use positive words of abundance instead of negative words of fear and scarcity. Change “We have to pay off debt” to “Our abundance flows with ease.” We create change with the words we use, the thoughts we hold in our mind and the feelings they inspire.

Manifesting Nightly Ritual. As the last thing you do before you fall asleep, take time to think about what you want to create in your financial life and conjure the feelings of having it. Then release it (don’t hold onto those feelings or begin to worry about how you’re going to become wealthy, debt-free, etc.) and doze off into la-la land.

Seeing is Believing. Create a vision and feeling board of what you want in your life. Look at the board a few times a day and engage all of your senses to create the full experience of actually having what is on the board.

Changing your mind about anything is work. The realization that you can change your mind and your fiscal lot in life is the start. This is not magical thinking, but science. New neural pathways are formed in your brain as you change your habitual thoughts, language and feelings from fear to freedom. So quiet your doubting mind, try something new and see what transpires.

There are a plethora of other factors that go into the psychology of money and abundance. If you believe that your financial dysfunction is too deep for you to negotiate on your own, find a good psychotherapist to guide you on this journey.

Whether you go it alone or hire a professional, trust me, changing your mind is the first step to transforming money fear into money freedom.

For more on living fearless and free, visit terricole.com.

Photo credit: Don Buciak II

Take a Fearless Inventory

I first learned the value of taking a Fearless Inventory three months before my college graduation. I had always been a big drinker from a big drinking family and since college is a time when even non-alcoholics drink alcoholically, my liver was pretty pickled by senior year. I had been seeing a therapist for about a year when she told me she thought my drinking was a problem, to which I defensively exclaimed, ”Well, then, everyone in my life has a drinking problem!” She calmly replied, “Well, I am not treating everyone in your life, and if you do not seek help with a 12-step program, I will have to terminate our relationship.”

Snap! Was my therapist breaking up with me? “Holy crap, is it that bad?” I asked myself. What I actually felt surprised me. Pure relief.

So, all gussied up in my ‘80s finest — stirrup pants, t-shirt with shoulder pads Velcro-ed to my bra straps, gobs of Stage Light makeup, enormous mane of red, permed hair in full effect with big plastic neon hoop earrings — and found my way to the basement of a church in Syosset, Long Island. ”Lookin’ good and definitely not like an alcoholic,” I reassured my review reflection before going in.

I sat near the door so I could smoke my Parliament 100’s considerately, and I was approached by a beautiful, similarly shellacked, big-haired woman about 10 years my senior. Noticing I was a newbie, she asked what brought me to the meeting. I said my therapist threatened to break up with me if I didn’t attend at least one. To be polite, I asked her the same question. She looked me straight in the eyes and with a calm that unnerved me, stated, “I killed a six-year-old boy in a drunk driving accident.”

“Wow, I am so sorry. That seriously sucks,” was my shocked and not-so-sensitive reply.

“Yes, it does, and I have had to figure out how to live every day of my life knowing I killed someone’s child and broke a mother’s heart.”

Her answer inspired my first Fearless Inventory and changed the course of my life.

I stayed until the end of the meeting, fighting back a tsunami of tears that threatened to overwhelm me. When I finally got to my car, I was bawling so hard I couldn’t drive, so I sat there listening to Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All” (which of course inspired more bawling) and felt so grateful, it hurt.

I made a pact with the universal powers that be at that moment that I would not drink again. I was so ecstatic that the tragic story was not mine and so keenly aware of how easily it could have been, something shifted permanently. I still think of that generous angel who shared the story that led to the wake-up that inspired my transformation.

Once I stopped drinking, things changed. I dropped 25 pounds in 30 days, discovered my cheekbones and moved to NYC after graduation. I took an honest inventory of all areas of my life. Writing down what I wanted more of and what I wanted less of in each area. I stayed in therapy and got dialed into the self-empowerment movement. I realized that to create the life of my dreams I had to be brutally honest about what was not working and what limiting beliefs were blocking my potential. The rest is history. Taking a Fearless Inventory was a game changer for me so I want to share it with you.

Take Your Own Fearless Inventory

Start by writing a list of the main areas of your life: career, love, spirituality, health and wellness, finances, family and other. Make two lists for each category: Want More and Want Less. Keep the Want More list and burn the Want Less list with an empathic witness by your side. Declare what you want and feel the feelings of already having it. Visualize it, feel it, believe it and you will bring it into being. Open your eyes for sychro-tastic situations and meaningful coincidences that start to show up, then take action.

By taking your own Fearless Inventory and daring to declare what you truly want, you will harness the mind-blowing power of your intention and tap into the infinite possibilities of your life.

I know you can do it. I did.

As always I will be cheering you on like a wild maniac!

For more on living fearless and free, visit http://terricole.com/

Photo credit: Steve Rhodes

Flip Over and Float

When you read the words “flip over and float,” what image comes to your mind? What feeling comes into your body? Relief? Expansion? This concept of “flipping and floating” comes as a result of 14 years as a licensed psychotherapist and coach in New York City. I repeatedly witness clients sweating the small stuff like traffic or rude subway riders and then making the choice to let that constriction (which, by the way, is always fear, even if it is wearing a different disguise) dictate the rest of their day and, in some cases, the rest of their lives. It’s like watching someone struggling to swim upstream, expending a ton of effort in the wrong direction and, in the process, missing the beautiful view.

I realized a few years ago in my own life that there was an easier way to achieve all of my goals. That it did not have to all be so damn hard. I was raised in a family with a Protestant work ethic, so I revered hard work and achievement. I was never unhappy working hard. As my career exploded, I became more constricted and stressed about time management and that negatively affected all aspects of my life. I was under the illusion that time was happening to me and there never seemed to be enough of it. Since I did not realize I had a choice, I felt unempowered to change.

The beginning of becoming unconstricted, more joyful and more successful came with a committed meditation practice. This created space, possibility and relief in my mind, body and life. Along with meditation, the incorporation of present moment consciousness accelerated my happiness and success.

What makes up the quality of your life is your daily existence, not only the peak experiences or significant epiphanies. It is my belief from observation and experience that the connection between being constricted/fearful and not having the life of your dreams float into your lap like a feather is direct and undeniable. So let’s get to how this can affect your life. Choose from the list below to get clarity on what constricts you on a daily basis.

Daily Constrictor

1. Traffic/commute
2. Not enough time
3. Not enough money
4. Unsatisfying job, marriage, health, financial life, social life and family life
5. Other

Now create a second list of alternate actions and feeling states you can choose when you start to feel stress around each item on list one.

Alternate Actions and Feeling States

1. Bust out lavender oil. Take three deep breaths. Release.
2. Repeat mantra, “I have exactly the right amount of time.” Breathe and release.
(Create what works for you.)

For example, if you sit in traffic daily, you have a choice of how you will experience that time. Unchecked, your Fear Mind (or Mafia Mind as I like to call it) will start its negative script about the idiot driver in front of you or your chatty office mate who made you late, creating constriction. This is your chance to do something different. The moment the script starts to roll, you must be present enough to say out loud, “Stop and breathe.” Then take three long, deep breaths directly into the constriction that your thoughts have created in your body. On the exhalation, release it while consciously relaxing your muscles. Just decide to let it go and float. This action strengthens your ability to be here now. The more you practice this, the faster and easier it gets. Time in traffic can be restorative or just suck. You decide. For bigger issues, becoming calm and unconstricted is where effective problem-solving begins.

The above exercise is one small action that will create change if you do it. This is not to say that deep breathing will fix your marriage, your job or shut up your co-worker. It is to say that being constricted makes all of those situations worse and robs you of your present-moment joy.

It comes as a total surprise to most clients that they can choose their feeling state in most situations. Your feelings are not happening to you. If you choose to stay constricted with excuses and justifications, it is still a choice. Changing conditioned responses can be challenging just like anything else worthwhile. You don’t get the ass of your dreams by going to the gym once.

So I challenge you to try this exercise and see what happens in your life. Open your mind and your heart to the transformative power of your intention. Take it from this former Type A constricted control freak: If I can become unconstricted and joyfully present in my life, so can you.

So here’s to flipping over and floating and the joyful abundance that comes with it.

Photo credit: Avelino Maestas