Perfectionism can be a frustrating little pest. Wanting everything in our lives to be perfect is the quickest way to cultivate feelings of “I’m not good enough” down every corner we turn. Perfectionism can block us from being productive, intuitive, creative, and authentic. It can keep us from celebrating our progress. Perfectionism can also keep us from beginning something new or completing a project, for fear of not being the best. And it can keep us from enjoying the journey — feeling like our efforts are never enough.
All my life, I’ve felt the frustration of being an imperfect perfectionist. One day, I realized that life would feel a lot easier if I just accepted my perfectionism and learned to love it! Some say perfectionism is the enemy of progress, but if we can learn to harness the power of our perfectionism and make it our friend, it can begin to work for us, rather than against us!
Here are some ways we can make friends with that feeling, give ourselves a break, and love where we are today:
1. Honor the ways your perfectionism works for you.
There are lots of ways your perfectionist tendencies are already working for you. Let’s honor them! Maybe you have a great eye for detail that makes you a spectacular writer or editor. Maybe you’re a brilliant problem-solver, able to pick out discrepancies and find fast solutions with your highly critical eye. Maybe you’re terrific at travel planning, a meticulous chef, or a researcher who leaves no stone unturned. Maybe you love to take on challenges, knowing you’ll follow through. There are lots of ways your perfectionism serves you — make a gratitude list!
2. Laugh at the perfectionist; thank it, and keep moving.
You know the areas that your perfectionism trips you up most. Is it your diet, exercise plan or body? Your work? Your art? Your public image? When you feel the perfectionist tendency arising, notice it. Acknowledge it. Laugh, lovingly — saying “thank you — I realize I have the fierce drive to be successful in this area, which is awesome, but all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, knowing that doing my best — today — is enough!”
3. Celebrate your everyday successes.
At the end of the day, instead of thinking of all the things you still need to get done with that “What’s next?” mentality, take a few minutes to celebrate what you accomplished. Even the smallest positive steps forward are worthy of your celebration and acknowledgment. The more you celebrate the small steps, the more you’ll start feeling like a rock star every day of the journey — not just when your big goals are achieved.
4. Give yourself permission to change course.
If you’ve set up a strict, high-standard goal for yourself, make sure to check in along the way and see if you’re actually enjoying it. Is this course of action really working for you? Does it make you feel good or do you feel pressured and stressed out? Sometimes the only thing stressing us out is our own perfectionism. You’ll get better results if you allow some wiggle room for your intuition to flow in. Let your intuition work hand in hand with your high-achieving mentality, make commitments that feel exciting, and allow yourself the time to reflect and change course along the way.
5. Have compassion for yourself if you take a step backward, or if you’re struggling.
One of the pesky traits of perfectionism is beating ourselves up when we make a mistake or veer off course. If your best friend was going through a slump, a period of struggle, or seemingly took a step backwards from her ideals — how would you treat her? Probably with lots of compassion, encouraging words and love. Treat yourself the same way. Acknowledge that having perfectionist tendencies can make you hard on yourself, have compassion for that, and encourage yourself the way you would encourage a friend.
6. Learn to relax and embrace uncertainty.
Most people with perfectionist tendencies have trouble relaxing. There’s always something more you could be doing, another goal to be attained, something that can be fixed. Taking time to just relax and not work toward a goal can be exactly what you need to enjoy your life as it is now. Realize that no matter how hard you work or how much you analyze and control your life, things can always turn out totally different from what you anticipated. Giving yourself some time to really relax and enjoy life will only make you more productive when you do revisit your goals. So just do your best today, honor yourself for that, and then truly chill out! The serenity prayer helps: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
7. Get support!
Having a friend, mentor, coach, therapist or other sounding board can help you laugh and have fun with your inner perfectionist. When you’re feeling “not good enough” — tell someone! Out yourself. Just saying it out loud to someone else can relieve some of the pressure, help you let go, and make you realize you’re not alone in this wild, crazy, beautiful journey of life.
Jenny Sansouci, a graduate of the Institute for Integrative Nutrition, writes about nutrition, health and personal development.
Photo credit: Liza
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Have you ever had a totally awesome day followed by a totally crappy one? This happens to me all the time. One Friday night, I went to bed with a giant smile on my face, loving life and feeling completely present and grateful. On Saturday night, I sat pouting on the floor of the shower long after my shower had ended, writing “I hate my life” with my finger on the condensation of the shower wall.
Bad days are obviously inevitable, but when we compare them to our good days, they tend to feel even worse. For an explosively emotional person like me, suffering through the long hours of a bad day feels like trying to escape a house of mirrors, never quite finding an exit and getting frustrated with the seemingly never-ending obstacles. I guess I should add that I haven’t been inside a house of mirrors since going into one and smacking face first into a mirror, giving myself a bloody nose.
When I’m having a bad day, all I can think about is how much I want it to get better – how much I want to find a way out. When I complain and stress over wanting to feel better, I usually tend to feel even worse. It’s like a snowball effect.
So how do we push through all of the yucky feelings associated with a bad day? How can we make ourselves feel just a little bit better when all we want to do is sit in a corner pouting like a two-year old?
I’ve recently discovered some techniques that work pretty well for me.
Sit with yourself. Make a conscious effort to stop ranting and stomping around long enough to just sit still and let yourself breathe for a moment. Find a quiet space or go to one of your favorite rooms and just sit with your feelings. It may be uncomfortable and you may be fuming, but once you sit by yourself for a few moments and regain your composure, you’ll notice yourself starting to relax.
Address your feelings and the source of them. Get clear about how you feel and why you feel that way. If you can do something about a problem you’re having, give yourself time to calm down and then figure out how to fix it. If you can’t fix it, accept what is and just let it be.
Write a venting letter and then respond to it. I know it sounds weird, but it is extremely therapeutic. Write out a note saying whatever is on your mind. Read back over what you wrote and pretend that you are reading a letter from a close friend. Then respond to it the way you would respond to that friend. Hopefully, this exercise will help you find some clarity and bring you to a calmer, more rational mindset.
Do something that makes you feel good. Do something nice for yourself or something that will make you feel better. Go for a walk, listen to your favorite album, watch a movie, bake some cookies, call a good friend, etc. You never know how much a simple activity could turn your day around.
Focus on what truly matters. If you are stressed out or angry about something that you more than likely won’t even remember in the morning, don’t worry about it now. That spilled coffee, that person who cut you off in traffic, that rude comment from the lady at the grocery store – nothing like that should ruin your day. Ask yourself if what you’re so upset about really matters.
Envision a better tomorrow. Imagine that tomorrow could be better. Before you go to sleep at night, ask yourself what you can do to make the following day a good one. Picture yourself having a better day and believe that it can happen. Commit to doing everything in your power to make it happen. Anything that is not in your power, drop it.
Let go. Let go of whatever it is you’re clinging to, whether it be a worry over something you cannot control, an expectation or a grudge. Most of the time, when we’re in a bad mood, it’s because there is something we are holding on to that is putting a burden on us. Recognize that burden and release it. Let the day come to an end and realize that tomorrow is a new day to be happy.
Madison Sonnier is an aspiring writer and lover of music, animals, nature, creativity and the simple things in life. You can read her personal ramblings and life insights at Journey of a Soul Searcher.
Photo credit: Plesko
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Grieving is a personal experience. Depending on who you are and the nature of your loss, your process of grieving will be different from another person’s. There is no “normal and expected” period of time for grieving. Some people take a year or more, particularly when their daily life has been radically changed by traumatic and unexpected loss.
On May 10, 2011, I lost my remarkable son Anthony to a tragic accident. He was 23 years old. I am writing this only two months after this horrifying experience.
Words cannot describe the immense pain felt by a parent who loses a child. As a bereaved parent, you realize that your life will never be the same … never. Your life has suddenly taken an unexpected course that appears and feels unknown, unsure and endless; that is called grief.
There are some wonderful support groups for parents. I attended my first one just three weeks after Anthony’s death. It’s called Compassionate Friends. The people here are experiencing the same type of pain that I am, although our journeys are different.
I realize that my tears are a way to be gentle and loving to myself and they should be honored as precious tender drops of love and remembrance of my son Anthony. Really feeling all this pain is the first step in the grieving process and my way through the first 12 months. Until the pain is felt deeply, with every moment and the loss is truly acknowledged, it is not possible to move on to celebrating the life of your loved one. So with that being expressed, I let the tears come.
The grieving process gives us time to reflect and find new strength that enables us to continue life’s journey and regain some peace of mind. I have recognized that grieving and its stresses seem tolerable, with loving self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of loving family and friends. It also helps to have proper nourishment for your body — a nutritious, balanced diet with plenty of raw vegetables, plenty of nourishing water and non-alcoholic fluids, exercise or some type of movement for the body and plenty of rest. I’ve learned to not say I can’t do something because of this traumatic, awful life experience … this is not easy, but it is a necessity.
Most people are unprepared for grief because so often, tragedy strikes suddenly, without warning. If excellent loving self-care habits are part of your life, it will help you deal with the pain and shock of loss until the last stage of grief, which is acceptance, is reached. I am walking the path on this journey and not sure where it will take me, but one thing that is clear in my mind is that loving others and myself is the only path I can walk down, knowing I am not alone.
Some supportive suggestions and thoughts
Birthdays
Birthdays are a celebration of the day your child became a precious gift to the world. My son’s birthday, June 16, was five weeks after his death. My family and I did several things to honor him and help our healing.
1. Light a candle: A mother’s bond of love with her child can never be broken. Lighting a candle on my son’s birthday was very healing. I used a battery-operated candle to illuminate the entire day.
2. Attend a religious service on your child’s birthday: We did this, and it was also very healing.
3. Celebrate: My daughter Sarah and I recently set aside special time on Anthony’s birthday. We got on the Internet/webcam and made his favorite dessert together. My parents and sister’s family (both out of state) had a special dinner together with a birthday cake for Anthony.
Mother’s Day
Traditionally a day of celebration, Mother’s Day can be a day of pain and loss for mothers who have lost a child. Below are some tips for remembering those moms who have had an unsuccessful pregnancy or have lost a child of any age.
1. Acknowledge that she is a mother: Offer a hug and kiss, and wish her a happy Mother’s Day. Send a card to let her know you remember she’s a mother, even though her child is not physically with her. A mother’s bond of love with her child can never be broken.
2. Acknowledge her loss: Express/connect and share the message, “I know this is difficult day for you. I want you to know that I am thinking about you.”
3. Use her child’s name in conversation: When family and friends talk about my son, Anthony, it’s like music to my ears. I love talking, listening and sharing special moments with others.
4. Plant a living memorial: A perennial flower, tree or rose bush — like memories — will grow in beauty.
5. Light a candle: Let the mother know you will light a candle in memory of her child.
6. Share a memory or pictures of the child: Give the gift of a memory. One mother wrote that the “greatest gift you can give is a heartfelt letter about my child and a favorite memory of them.”
7. Don’t try to minimize the loss: Avoid using any clichés that attempt to explain the death of a child.
8. Encourage self-care: Self-care is an important aspect of the effort to heal the mind and spirit. Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself. Give her a gift certificate to a day spa or any place where she can be pampered. Right after Anthony’s death, it took all my energy simply to shower and put on mascara.
While the above suggestions are intended for Mother’s Day, they can be helpful for grieving mothers any day of the year.
My love goes out to all women who experience this pain. We are connected, and we are loved.
Robin Legittino is a certified holistic nutritional consultant and NASM-certified personal trainer. She served in the United States Marine Corps and is the mother of two children and the grandmother of one.
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