By Gabrielle Bernstein on February 3, 2012
Let’s face it: Sometimes romantic relationships can be totally nightmarish instead of wonderful. While there are a lot of reasons romance can be tough, most of the time the chaos begins within.
As a student and teacher of the metaphysical text A Course in Miracles, I’ve come to understand how our ego (fear mind) wreaks havoc in the romantic arena. The Course guides us to see how we project our fear and neuroses onto our current partners–and it shines light on how we seek completion and self-worth in the arms of another.
Let’s demystify the ways the ego gets to work in romance–here are some of the big illusions that can really take us down.
Diggin’ Up the Past
Many people carry disastrous relationship experiences from the past into the present moment. Holding on to anger from your last relationship inevitably transfers negative vibes to the next one. This anger sabotages the possibility of creating a healthy new relationship, keeping you rooted in your history instead of the now.
Future Tripping
Do you envision walking down the aisle after just one date? If so, trust that you’re not alone. The ego loves to future trip when it comes to romance. When the ego runs your romantic life, it’s easy to get caught up in the belief that you’re unsafe without a romantic partner. This mentality hooks you into future tripping, because without that future plan you feel incomplete. The result? It puts tons of pressure on your partner … and makes you seem like a major head case for planning that far ahead.
McSpecial with a Side of Fries
I’m gonna be blunt here: When your source of happiness is another human being, you’re totally screwed. The ego convinces you that all the love you need is in one “special” person. This is what the Course calls a “special love relationship.” This kind of relationship isn’t like your other relationships–you come to believe you need this one special person to feel whole. The special love relationship is exclusive, and it makes that one person better than you and everyone else.
But the ego doesn’t stop there. It convinces you that you can’t live without this “special” partner, which is the root cause of codependency. This fear-based thinking leads you to do whatever it takes to make that special person happy so that they don’t leave. You become inauthentic and subservient so that you don’t lose your special relationship. You put the needs of others in front of your own and deny your true feelings. And it’s all done in the name of special love.
Sound familiar? I bet it does. Romantic relationships are the ego’s playground, and nine times out of ten our ego will turn the chance of romantic bliss into a freakin’ horrorshow by feeding us illusions.
The first step towards clearing the ego’s chaotic perception of romance is to become brutally honest about how you dig up the past, future trip and make partners special. Looking at your ego head-on is a powerful way to weaken its grip.
A Course in Miracles teaches us that relationships are opportunities for awesome spiritual growth. Rather than get all heady about what went wrong in the past, let’s focus on what you can change today. Outlined below are key principles that will help guide you to release fear in romance and cultivate more love in your life.
No One is Sent to Anyone by Accident
A Course in Miracles teaches us that there are “no chance encounters.” All encounters offer us the opportunity to transform fear to love and create a miracle. Accept that relationships are assignments to learn and grow. This new attitude will allow you to begin to appreciate the partner who brings up all your funky issues–because you’ll know the learning that is available to you.
Special ain’t so special
Ask yourself whom you have made special. It’s likely that the same lucky person is also the person you attack most in your mind. Special love makes us neurotic, controlling, and insecure. We think we love our special partner, but really we fear them and hate them for not calling back or doing what we want them to do. We feel so beholden to this special partner because the ego makes us believe that we’re missing something and that we can only feel complete in the arms of someone else. Set yourself free from your special illusions by simply recognizing whom you have made special. When you recognize this ego chaos, you diminish its power. You can see the ego in action and choose to begin the process of letting it go.
The Invisible Matchmaker
A beautiful practice that A Course in Miracles suggests is that we turn our relationships over to the care of our inner guide. When we consciously allow our ego to run our romantic life, we stay stuck in nasty patterns. Invite the spirit of love to guide your perceptions. Simply say: “Spirit, Inner Guide, God [whatever you wish], I invite you to take these fears from me. Help me release my romantic fears from the past and my need to control the future. Clear space for fearless love.”
MediDATE
Another major tool for releasing romantic fears is to begin a meditation practice. Begin your MediDATING practice with an awesome forgiveness meditation:
Sit comfortably in a quiet space.
Breathe deeply in your nose and out your mouth.
In your mind’s eye invite your partner into your meditation.
(It can be someone you’re currently in a relationship with or someone from your past. It can even be someone you’ve dreamed of being with.)
Hold a vision in your mind of this person standing before you.
As you breathe in envision a ball of golden light growing in your heart.
On the exhale extend this light to your partner.
On the inhale breathe in the light.
On the exhale extend the light.
Continue inhaling and exhaling until all you see is light.
Whatever your relationship status–whether you’re married, single or dating–taking these steps can be truly transformative. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, so take this opportunity to release romantic fears and clear space for more love.
Want more powerful romance tips and meditations? Join me on Feb. 8 on LiveStream Video or in New York at ABC’s Deepak Homebase for my MediDATING launch lecture. Get all the details here: www.gabbyb.tv/mediDATE.
Photo credit: Darwin Bell
Read More
By Gabrielle Bernstein on January 6, 2012
Do you refresh Facebook fifteen times an hour to track the likes on your status? It’s likely the answer is yes. In some way or another, many of us have become slightly (or not so slightly) obsessed with the social media feedback loop. While it may seem like a sign of the times, it’s actually just another way we reinforce a desperate need to feel good enough. Social media has offered us a new way to anesthetize a deep-rooted feeling of lack: The more likes we get, the better we feel.
But what happens when the “like” button isn’t pushed or the retweets just don’t happen? Then what? A social media meltdown, maybe? Do you experience an unconscious sense of self-lack, uncertainty about your last post or, worst of all, do you spend the next hour refreshing your page for some semblance of positive reinforcement?
If this resonates with you, trust that you’re not alone. Remember that last scene of “The Social Network”? Even Mark Zuckerberg refreshes his page for feedback.
I too have struggled with the social media feedback loop. Early in my career as an author, speaker and dot-com entrepreneur, it became super clear to me that social media was the most powerful way to carry my message to the masses. I worked up an unhealthy obsession with it: My boyfriend would ban me from posting during dinner, and my mom could only get in touch by tweeting at me. At the time, I didn’t perceive it as an issue. Thousands of folks were liking my fan page and retweeting my posts — it was heaven for my ego.
Then, one afternoon, I noticed myself wasting an hour watching my Twitter feed and Facebook fan page for positive feedback. As a self-help book author and Spirit Junkie, I found this behavior quite alarming. I turned away from the screen and said out loud, “Uh-oh, I’m addicted to social media feedback.”
Rather than beat myself up or deny the reality of my obsession I chose to work toward creating a more balanced relationship with my online status. I’m a big fan of 30-day plans, so I put myself on a social media detox. No, I didn’t shut down my Twitter page or deny my fans. I did quite the opposite. I continued to post as frequently as before, but I made a 30-day commitment to ignore the retweets and seriously lay off the likes. I dedicated a half hour a day to respond to my fans and monitored my Twitter correspondence.
Remember, the issue was not social media. In fact, I love social media and am endlessly grateful for the service it provides. This was an issue of self-esteem and a deep-rooted need to feed my ego through other people’s positive reinforcement. The hours I spent seeking feedback from my fans were hours wasted on a false belief that some number of comments or retweets would make me feel any better than I already did. But when I backed off from this positive feedback loop, I cleared space for self-love and self-soothing. For a month, I meditated and affirmed my sense of self-worth instead of frantically checking my notifications. I deepened my connection to my own inner spirit by putting the kibosh on my social media feedback obsession.
This 30-day practice did me good. A month of daily repetition broke me of the obsessive pattern and enhanced my sense of self-worth. When I no longer cared about responses, I could spend more time focusing on sharing what I honestly felt rather than what I thought might get the most retweets. Ironically, this practice increased my social graph. Without even trying, I grew my fan page by 1,500 members in 30 days and got more impressions on Twitter than I’d ever had before.
Once I placed my social media strategy on sharing great content rather than wowing my audience, I shifted the energy behind my correspondence with my fans. When I was looking for feedback, the energy behind my tweets and posts was needy and manipulative. But when I started tweeting for Twitter’s sake, the energy was clear and released. Energy is in everything — even in your Twitter feed.
If you too are a social media feedback junkie, consider my 30-day practice. Get honest about your behavior, commit to lay off the “refresh” button, and clear space to share honest content rather than some canned comment that you think might get a ton of activity. Enhance your self-worth from the inside out and shine light on the Twittersphere.
For more information on how to optimize your life, visit: gabbyb.tv
Photo credit: Lee Hopkins
Read More
By Gabrielle Bernstein on November 7, 2011
Do you often experience synchronicity in your life? Maybe you think of someone and then they call, or the song you were singing in your mind begins to play on the stereo. I experience this awesomeness on a daily basis. As a Spirit Junkie, I’ve made it my mission to release the blocks to the energetic support around me. The more I believe in divine guidance, the more miracles I experience.
A super groovy way I receive guidance is through repeating numbers. For years I’ve witnessed 1111 show up in many unique ways, such as on computer screens, digital clocks, addresses, etc. Intuitively I see these moments as sweet winks from the Universe, reminding me that I am being guided. I am not alone in this philosophy. Many other Spirit Junkies believe that when you frequently see 1111 you’re receiving a message to recalibrate your consciousness and intuition.
It’s super neat to receive these messages but it’s far cooler to respond to them. Rather than just chalk up these moments to a groovy coincidence I’ve chosen to witness the guidance and respond. Each day when I have an encounter with 1111, I recite a prayer. I say out loud to my internal guide (aka my ~ing), “Thank you for your message. I am present to your guidance. Show me what you got.” I could easily breeze past these moments of divine guidance, but I choose to use them as spiritual cues to tune in and connect to the energy around me. When I’m in tune and connected, I expect miracles.
Divine guidance is available to you, too. All the time, in fact! The first step is to stop questioning the synchronicity in your life. When you question it, you weaken the power in the moment. Rather than flip out about the “coincidence,” choose to honor the miracle. Pay attention to moments of synchronicity.
The next step to creating more synchronicity and flow is to strengthen your faith in miracles. Negative self-talk and “it’s too good to be true” mumbo-jumbo weakens your desires — rev up your faith instead. Start to affirm that you believe you are a miracle worker. The more you let go of disbelief and focus on a belief system of faith, the more you’ll experience divine guidance. Faith in miracles clears space for divine guidance to show up and support you.
Once you believe in guidance, it’s time to pay attention to it. Spiritual guidance comes in many forms. Maybe you witness guidance through repeating numbers, or you feel a strong intuition, or you experience tons of synchronicity. There are all kinds of ways to tap into the divine.
Still not sure? Check out these examples of spirit guidance:
Spirit connects through people. Ever notice those moments when you’re thinking of someone and they call, text or email? This is a great example of spirit energy at work. Regardless of how physically far you may be from someone, you can trust that your spiritual connection is always strong. When you are thinking about someone, you can surely assume they will feel it and vice versa.
Connecting to spirit also comes through a strong intuitive feeling. When I connect through intuition, I get a strong hit about something. I hear an inner dialogue that is loud and authoritative — there is no questioning my intuition. The way you can strengthen your intuition is to take it seriously. Pay attention to your intuitive spark and listen when it comes through. Maybe jot down your intuition in a notebook or repeat it out loud to yourself. Don’t rush past it. Instead, honor your intuition and fully take it in.
Spirit also connects to us through visual cues and technology. My 1111 encounters are great examples of how spirit will remind me of my guidance. You may experience spiritual connections through your phone, computer or stereo. Often the lights in my home go on and off. I take this as a nod from my spirit guides and pay attention. (So stop bitching to Con Edison and trust that you’re being guided!)
Once you’re aware of spirit’s connection, you can surrender to divine guidance. The first step to working with divine guidance is to be open to receiving it. Begin today by paying attention to the ways that spirit is connecting to you. Then practice the following steps to deepen your miracle mindset and awareness of spirit:
Practice non-interference. Working with divine spirit guidance is not like playing with magic. I want to emphasize this! Don’t eff around. Connecting to the flow of the Universe is our birthright, not some secret trick. So try your best not to interfere with the natural order. Instead, pay attention to your intuitive guidance and take spiritually aligned action.
Patience is key when working with the Universe. It’s important to trust that spirit has a way better plan than you do. Enjoy the synchronistic flow and let go of the outcome. Connections may speed up and signs may come in, but you have to allow the spiritual process of flow to occur. Don’t rush the process. Let the Universe do her thing.
Be still. In stillness you will receive guidance. The more you cultivate serious time for contemplation and stillness, the easier it will be for you to hear spirit’s call. One way you can do this is by practicing meditation and yoga. If you’re a meditation newbie, click here for my free guided meditations.
Gratitude is your only attitude when connecting to spirit. Each day thank the infinite Universe and divine spirit guidance. Say prayers throughout the day thanking spirit for guiding you to exactly what you need. This gratitude will strengthen your faith in miracles and enhance your relationship to the guidance around you.
Finally, listen for guidance. Pay close attention to what comes through and do not edit it. Just be present with the messages you receive. Listen and take spiritually aligned action.
Want to learn more about divine synchronicity and spirit guidance? Join me on the auspicious day of 11/11/11 for my Spirit Junkie Live lecture celebrating and activating our attracting power. This awesome event starts with a lecture from me on the topic of divine synchronicity and spirit guidance, followed by a power panel with Spirit Junkies Marie Forleo, Josh Pais, Tara Stiles, Latham Thomas and the Astro Twins. Get all the groovy details and sign up here.
Photo credit: Strep72
Read More
By Gabrielle Bernstein on September 12, 2011
For 20 years I kept a journal. I wrote about heartbreak, anxiety and eating disorders. I wrote about trying to quit drugs while high on drugs. Pages and pages are filled with self-loathing and self-doubt. My journal was my only outlet from the turmoil and deep-rooted pain I felt every day. I’d release my fears onto the page and get honest about my sadness as I scribbled over my tears.
Today, my journal entries are much different. They reflect an empowered woman who is happy and bleeds authenticity. The words on the page are tinged with pride and compassion. I’ve overcome my addictions to love, drugs, food, work and fear. I worked hard, and man, was it worth it. My journal shows a deep desire to continue growing from the inside out.
My primary guide on my journey to self-love has been the metaphysical text “A Course in Miracles.” The Course is a self-study curriculum emphasizing practical applications for relinquishing fear in all areas of life. The Course’s unique thought system uses forgiveness as the road to inner peace and happiness.
Admittedly, when I first began reading The Course, the language and many of the concepts were extremely foreign to me. But, ultimately, I realized that getting bogged down in semantics was a silly distraction. What really mattered was how relevant The Course’s teachings were to my life, and my absolute willingness to be guided to change.
It was with that burning desire for change that I set out to purchase The Course. Upon entering the bookstore, I noticed the dark blue hardback with the title “A Course in Miracles” scrawled in illuminating gold print across the cover. I found the thickness of the volume inviting and reassuring, and as I grabbed the book off the shelf I smiled as if I had received a wink from the Universe. Then the most auspicious thing happened — the book seemed to drag me to the counter. It felt strange and yet oddly comforting. Intuitively, I knew I was in for something good.
Afterward, as I stood on a busy New York City street corner, I flipped the book open to its introduction and read, “This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take is voluntary. The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love, for that is beyond what can be taught. It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, which is your natural inheritance.” This passage sent chills down my spine. In that moment, I made a commitment to myself to become a student and a teacher of The Course — a sacred contract that would change my life.
One year later, I went to a lecture by the renowned spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson, who first introduced me to The Course. Afterward, I asked her advice on how I could spread The Course’s message to my generation. She said, “Read the text, do the workbook and study the ‘Manual for Teachers.’ Then get on your knees and ask God how you should share this work with your generation.” I did just that.
Through reading the text, I was guided to understand The Course’s mission. Simply and succinctly, The Course states that “its goal for you is happiness and peace.” The text also gave me a deep understanding of the basis for my fear and guilt, and how I could overcome them. Finally, it taught me the meaning of “the miracle,” which is the shift in perception from fear to love.
Then I embarked on the “Workbook for Students,” which consists of an exercise for each day of the year. The workbook guided me to know a relationship with what I call my ~ing, an inner guide. This relationship with my ~ing became my primary tool for restoring my mind. When I was ready, I began to practice the “Manual for Teachers.” This section of The Course prepared me to share its lessons in a way that was authentic to me. My dedication blasted me open to reconnect with my true inner spirit, which is love.
The Course teaches that each time we shift our perception from fear to love, we create a miracle. Your internal shifts enhance your external experiences and all your relationships. Serenity kicks in, fear subsides and, once and for all, you’ll know that all the love you need is inside you.
Sounds like I’ve got the keys to heaven, doesn’t it? That’s right, I do! And I can testify to these tools because I work them like a full-time job. The Course suggests that to teach is to learn, so I’m here to guide and inspire others to turn inward for happiness. If you’re looking for direction and guidance on your own spiritual journey, I’m here to help!
I’ve just launched my new book, “Spirit Junkie: A Radical Road to Self-Love and Miracles.” With this book, I can act as a container for you to take right actions to grow a spiritual relationship of your own understanding. Trust, breathe, be willing and show up for the suggestions along the way. Even if fear has you in a headlock, I’m here to remind you that happiness always wins. You too can be a Spirit Junkie!
For more information on how to optimize your life, visit gabbyb.tv
Read More
By Gabrielle Bernstein on March 11, 2011
I believe in miracles. Period. Full stop.
For some of you, that may be a pretty ballsy statement. For others, it may seem like an unrealistic pipe dream. Still others may want to believe in miracles but encounter resistance. Why have miracles become a cute concept we tweet about, or a possibility we turn to only when all hell breaks loose? Why aren’t miracles an everyday occurrence, a moment-to-moment thought, an expectation?
A miracle is simply a shift in perception from thoughts of fear to thoughts of love. Many of us lost track of this simplicity because we fell for fear instead. When our thoughts are focused on fear, we block miracles. Fear becomes the norm and we deny the potential for peace and love.
Six years ago, I could no longer deny my need for a miracle. My life had hit bottom and I had no other choice but to call on a miracle for help. My call was answered when I was guided to the metaphysical text, “A Course in Miracles,” designed to restore our perceptions of fear to right-minded perceptions of love. I’ve been a student of the “Course” ever since. Through my dedication to the “Course,” 365 daily meditations and the teacher’s manual, I’ve begun the journey of restoring my faith in miracles. Through my internal transformation, my external world has exploded with light. Even in the darkest situations, I ask for a miracle and I’m relieved of my fear, only to return to love. One day at a time, I choose a miracle, and now I live a miraculous life. I work miracles like a full-time job.
Working miracles requires faith. If we don’t believe in miracles, we won’t experience them. When our focus is on “lack, fear, anger and attack,” then “lack, fear, anger and attack” will be our life’s experience. But when our focus shifts to peace, a miracle can occur. “A Course in Miracles” teaches, “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love.” The moment we shift our perception from fear to love, we experience a miracle. It’s as simple as that.
We can all be miracle workers if we choose to be. If you want to perceive your world in a bright new light, then follow my five-step plan for workin’ miracles.
Step One: Recognize Your Fear
Asking for a miracle welcomes the correction of your mind. The first corrective step in undoing your discomfort is to recognize that your problem isn’t “out there.” Your problem is the fear in your mind. The “Course” suggests, “Say to yourself that you must somehow have chosen not to love, or the fear could not have arisen.” This step helps you see your fear as nothing more than a misguided thought.
Step Two: Be Willing to Choose Love
The “Course” teaches, “Fear arises from lack of love.” Identify your fear as nothing more than lack of love. This step will quickly help you disassociate with your fears and prepare you for a full-blown surrender.
Step Three: Surrender your Fear
The third step to working miracles is to surrender. Surrendering comes through prayer. Simply say a prayer to God, the Universe, angels, Grandma (whomever you like to talk to), asking for a miracle. You might say something like: “I need a hook-up. Things aren’t working out and fear has consumed my mind. I surrender my will. I ask for a miracle.” Give up your fear fully and let the Universe do her thing.
Step Four: Receive Perfect Love
The “Course” teaches, “The only remedy for lack of love is perfect love.” Once you open your energy to receive a miracle, a lot will begin to shift. If you surrender fully, you’ll recognize your fear and resentments as not real. You will no longer feel connected to fear. You will be inspired to forgive, choose love and release attack. You will welcome perfect love. This doesn’t require any work on your end. Just stay committed to love and the miracle will occur naturally.
Step Five: Expect Crazy Sexy Miracles!
We must commit to working miracles for the practice to become involuntary. The goal is to practice surrendering your fear to love all the time. The more you practice, the more you can expect Crazy Sexy Miracles.
For more lessons on “A Course in Miracles” and free downloads of my lectures visit my website.
On March 30, join Kris Carr and me for our lecture titled “Crazy Sexy Miracles.” Live in NYC and on Ustream Video. Watch us from your computer!
Read More
