By Danielle LaPorte on December 3, 2010
Tummy trembles. Brain fuzz. That discombobulating feeling that you’re not quite sure what you should be doing, but you should be doing something to keep your act together. Anxiety.
Sometimes it slips away with a few deep breaths, other times you need to beat it off with a stick or some little white pills. Naturally, we want to try to get as far away from anxiety as possible – which usually just results in us being anxious about being anxious. You resist, and so it persists. But what if rather than pushing it away, we actually welcomed anxiety when it showed up?
What if, rather than dreading the discomfort it brings, we looked at anxiety as a delivery service of inner truth and other such soul goodies? Because every time anxiety shows up, it’s our psyche’s way of saying, “Knock knock, I’ve got something to show you about yourself that you really should see.”
Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard explained anxiety is a natural condition. (How liberating!) He believed that anxiety is “a cognitive emotion that reveals truths that we would prefer to hide but that we need for our greater health.” And that it’s a valuable tool for shaping our ideal lives.
Think of it this way: beneath the butterflies in your stomach, behind the clouds in your mind is your greater truth … and it’s trying to break on through.
TURNING ANXIETY INTO POWER
Step 1: Face reality.
“I’m anxious.” Simply notice your anxiety.
Firstly, you need to be aware of your actual indicators of anxiety … they can be different for everyone. A lot of times anxiety is trying to talk to us and we’re just not picking up on the physical or mental cues. For me, anxiety manifests in what I call, priority confusion. If I wander from room to room in the house, unsure if I should tidy, check my email, walk the dog or write a novel, then I know something is up. I’m typically very laid back and laser-like decisive, so if I can’t figure out what’s first on the to-do list, I know that anxiety has come callin’.
When you see the signs of it, all you need to do is simply state it. “I’m feeling anxious.” There. You said it. You probably feel better already. Getting real is always the best first step.
Step 2: Inquiry.
“So, why am I anxious?”
This is the step that requires real work. It’s the kind of inquiry that calls for both concentration and compassion … a tricky combo. Having an “inquiry image” might be helpful. I often see dilemmas as layers of soft, earthy sediment within myself, and each question is a drilling down through the silt. “So why am I anxious?” I ask myself. “Because I don’t want to be late.” Not quite, that doesn’t feel true. “So why am I anxious?” I repeat. “Because I’ve got so much to do.” Nope, that’s not it either; it’s not making sense to my heart. “So why am I anxious?” I drill down. “Because I’m afraid that when I show up I’ll be rejected.” Bingo.
When you get to the true reason for your anxiousness, and there may be more than one explanation, then there’s usually a softening that occurs when you come across it.
So you called it like you see it. That’s powerful. And you’ve identified the reason – even more powerful. Now you’re ready to rise above it.
Stap 3: Take responsibility.
This is where your real power comes in. This is the fun bit, where you get to be a creative grown-up, the master of your own domain. Once you’ve discovered why you’re feeling anxious whether it’s fear of failure, or a memory of past hurt or humiliation, then you need to counter the fear and negativity with courage and optimism. It’s that simple – and that challenging.
Whatever you want to call it: positive thinking, re-framing, self-encouragement, ra-ra-rah, this is where you need to step up to the plate, look at your fear head on and confront it with your truth. The truth being that you manage to get through every day whether with grace or grit; that fear will not kill you; that your God, or your friends, or your grandma in heaven will have your back; that you have risen above before, and that you will rise above again; that it’s only life after all.
Anxiety doesn’t come bearing the solution. It’s just there to direct your attention to the problem. It’s like a headache that signals to you that you’re hungry. The headache reminds you that your body needs nourishment, and then it’s up to you to feed yourself. Self-care is a divine responsibility. To befriend anxiety is to choose your deepest strength. It’s turning brain fuzz into brilliance, and the jitters into vital fuel to help you shine brighter than ever.
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By Danielle LaPorte on September 24, 2010
“Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes.” – Walt Whitman
Soon after we met, my man and I were getting ready for a party. “I’m not good at parties,” I warned him. “What?! You’re like the public-speaking power chicklet.” “Noooo. I’m the girl in the kitchen who talks to one person all night and leaves without saying goodbye.” Give me a stage and I will rock the house. Give me a house party and you’ll barely know I’m there.
Authenticity is not an either/or equation. Your soul is an all-inclusive package … frills, foibles, and contradictions. It’s your opposing parts that leverage your magnificence into full force.
My extroverted introversion used to cause me great grief. Am I a sincere fake? The Boo Radley freak who doesn’t talk to neighbours? Surely, if I were more genuine and loving I’d be more outgoing. Sigh. None of it’s true. All of it’s true. I’m an outgoing Lone Ranger, a white Canuck who feels like a Nubian Queen on the inside, a fiercely loyal opportunist.
HOW TO SPOT YOUR CONTRADICTIONS
: When has someone said, “That really surprises me about you,” “I can’t believe you did that”?
: Where do you feel the pull to compromise vs. rebel?
: Guilt can be a primo indicator for inner truth tugs. What are your guilty pleasures or indulgences?
: What do you save for special occasions {from your dancin’ shoes to your verbal affection}?
: What would going “wild” look like for you?
: What do you deny yourself?
LOVVVE YOUR ASSORTED WAYS
Now, aren’t you a curious critter? The Buddhist who knows every Metallica song by heart. The stay-at-home mom who wants to be a pole dancer. The Pro-Choice devout Catholic.
Don’t resign yourself to your idiosyncrasies. “Accepting” yourself is a passively lame option for full-tilt self love. Exalt your contradictions, celebrate them, go so far as to use them to your divine advantage.
Congratulations! You are large. You contain multitudes.
“Please fasten your seat belts because The Fire Starter Sessions is the revolution you’ve been waiting for. It will shake-up and wake-up every aspect of your life. Danielle LaPorte combines soulful wisdom with razor sharp business advice to create a blue print for moguls, spiritual rockstars, and lovers of life. Skinny dip head first into this hot and fabulous book. I dare you.” ~Kris Carr
Photo Credit (top): Kathryn
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By Danielle LaPorte on August 16, 2010
Criticism sucks. If you’re being rightly criticized, your ego needs to shake it off like a wet dog and keep wagging its tail. And if you’re being unjustly ‘dissed, you’ve still got to keep your ego limber so that you can objectively fight for your dignity. Either way, criticism is a call to be your classiest self.
11 TIPS FOR DEALING WITH CRITICISM:
1. Expand. Sometimes criticism stings because we know the criticizer has a valid point. After you’ve done the inner wince, take a deep breath and get back in the ring. And look, just because you may need to clean up your act a bit, it doesn’t mean that you’re a full scale loser. We’re all just bozos on the same bus, as my dear friend Donna would say. So literally, take a deep expansive breath, with your fists unclenched. You sustain less injury when you do NOT brace for impact. I guess that’s why they call it “rolling with the punches.”
2. Admit that it stings. “Ouch. That’s hard to hear. But I’m up for it.” Honesty when criticized is a great equalizer and a show of nobility and maturity.
3. Don’t react…yet. Sometimes it’s best to just listen and simply say, “I’ve heard you. Let me process what you’ve said and I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” So many of us are so adrift from our deep sensitivity that it takes some time to clearly know how we feel. So just take the time, it’s better than a half-cocked reaction that you’ll regret. And if you do say something you regret, or you don’t say what you think you should have…
4. Go back to it. Feel free to bring it up again, even if it was a closed subject. “I thought more about what you said and I just wanted to let you know that…” It’s better to clear the air after the fact than it is to bury your feelings.
5. Be compassionate to your criticizer. This can really soften the situation. Giving honest criticism is no fun for most people, and it’s often a case of, “This is going to hurt me as much as it might hurt you.”
6. Consider the source. As Ralph Waldo Emerson put it, to succeed is to “earn the appreciation of honest critics.” So firstly, you need to consider your source and their motivation. If you feel you’re being inaccurately criticized, then you need to say so in no uncertain terms. This is tricky because you may be perceived as being defensive. In this case, it’s good to refer to point #3. Collect your thoughts and give a rebuttal that shows your strengths {I’m a rock star because I…} and describes the challenges of the situation {I’ve been operating on a dime budget…}
7. Don’t take any shit. Sometimes you have to play hardball. I once got a super crappy performance review from a manger at a retail job. I got on the phone right away and called the big cheese. “There’s no way I’m signing this review and there’s no way I’m quitting. I think she’s losing her marbles.” My knees were shaking but I knew I had to do it. As it turned out, I wasn’t the only person complaining about Crazy Manageress. She left shortly thereafter. And guess who got promoted?
8. Know your rights. Sometimes there are legalities to consider. Your job may be on the line. If you lip off, and it leads to a dismissal, you want to know what your rights are … employers may need to formally warn you in writing, etc. You also have the right to be treated with respect no matter how severely you screw up. Criticism given without care is irresponsible.
9. Bring closure to it. If you’re being asked to improve in some way, then ask for specific measurables…you can’t run a race if you don’t know where the finish line is. Be extra diligent about checking in on mutual satisfaction.
10. Say thank you. Whether you’ve been rightly our wrongly critiqued, say thanks…either way, it’s a learning opportunity.
11. Lick your wounds. Bruises need icepacks and hotbaths. Be sweet to yourself because tomorrow is another day and you’re up for the ride. Life never dishes out something you can’t handle.
A note on how to know when criticism is on the mark or way off base: There were times in the past when I received inaccurate criticism, and I would start to cry. Crying in front of your boss is very rarely a good thing, I don’t care how progressive your organization is. Because I had boundary issues {“sure, I’ll do four times the work and make sure you look like a superstar,”} I used to take on criticism without questioning it at all. I thought that if their feelings were hurt or they saw room for improvement, then surely they must be right and I must be wrong. My tears were an indication of confusion, and for me, confusion is an indication that something is very definitely untrue.
When I’m being rightfully called on my stuff, I actually have the opposite reaction…I feel a strange sense of relief and communion. It’s usually a, “Eeeshk, I know, I suck at that. I’m a total loogan when it comes to that. Sorry. Thanks. I’m so glad you get me.” Of course, I’m just as often defensive as I am classy — just another bozo on the bus.
More questions? I’m game.
Photo Credit (top): amboo who?
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