Sex, Self-Esteem and the Goddess Cure
We’ve all had those moments where our minds go on a scary adventure to fear. It’s the “fear mind” that resembles a monkey with rabies and tends to be rather abusive and pessimistic. It says things like: “You can’t do that”; “Who do you think you are?”; “Ewww, gross, you have cellulite on your ass when you move like that in bed!” It’s really like a mind bully, except that bully is a part of our psyche. Not YOU necessarily, but part of the way our minds work as humans. Sooo … we best get to learn how to work with the rabies monkey “fear mind.”
One place that is often ignored when we talk about “fear mind” is sex. We talk about our fear to find love, our fear to take risks and start our own business or get a new job; but when it comes to sex, we might as well be Puritans living in the 1800s churning butter. All funky feelings arise and suddenly Harvard scientists, leading psychologists and researchers become like fifth-grade students — uncomfortable, anxious and avoidant. I say, let’s address it. Let’s walk through the fears, not around them.
Have you ever felt embarrassed before having sex or during sex? Sex is one of our most taboo vulnerable spots. In our Western society and in many societies cross culturally, we have seen an overemphasis on vulgar sexuality, and sexualizing products and even children to sell products. However, the sacred in sex is null and void. What is the sacred in sex? The sacred is accepting all of our sexual selves as beautiful and as something to be explored. Throughout our history, sex has become dirty and has been tainted with this virgin archetype of we must only enjoy pleasure if married. Yet these mixed messages really mess with us, and we don’t have a safe space to truly connect with our sexual selves — with how we feel with our own being as sexual and how we feel with a lover in bed. These anxieties are normal and, once processed, become a key to unlock the door to true intimacy with yourself and with your lover.
Shame arises from this guilt that we are doing something wrong, with our insecurities and our self-esteem with our body, with the lack of knowledge around sexuality and the permission culturally, from our parents, from our books, to say it’s OK, it’s beautiful and it’s sacred to explore your entire sexual self, to let go and be free. This shame causes sadness, lack of intimacy and a block, as we are sexual beings and it’s part of our health to have healthy and fun sex lives.
So how can we alchemize this shame into fiery intimacy? Here are three keys that I have found successful with my clients.
The Goddess Cures:
1. Take time to explore you (god/goddess time).
2. Read about sacred sexuality, tantra; inform yourself on the sacred nature of sex and begin to become conscious around your own sexual self — the insecurities, the fantasies, etc. (Google is genius; use it.)
3. Create a ritual before you have sex either with yourself (masturbation) or with your partner/lover. Light some candles and incense, play relaxing music, and remember to breathe and take it slow.
Christine Gutierrez is a mind-body psychotherapist and holistic health expert. She is the founder of Sacred Space NYC, a holistic healing+bodywork collective, and Cosmic Life, an online hub that features content from Christine and other experts, as well as resources, products, and services.
Photo credit: Jerry Wong
18 Comments
Educating yourself and using sex as an area for exploration can really help empower yourself and raise your self-esteem. I recently read a book about tantra out of curiosity and it opened up a whole other side of sex that i didn’t know existed! Sexuality is so sacred and precious, it is a beautiful space for self-expression and intimacy, and also a place for personal & relationship growth. Thanks Christine for sharing this, more women really need to be in a healthy sexual relationship with themselves – and then they can bring that empowerment into relationships too
thank for the post Christine, it is great to have a few minutes in the day to stop and think about things like this. So important for us women to bless our own bodies from time to time, whatever the ‘public opinion’ may condition us to think about ourselves. I find something like dancing is an amazing way to attune ourselves to our goddess within especially when it is in a place where we can let go of all self consciousness i.e. in private.
I was just reminded of a book I read years ago and enjoyed called Loving the Goddess Within: http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Goddess-Within-Magick-Women/dp/1878980017
thanks for the post Christine, it is great to have a few minutes in the day to stop and think about things like this. So important for us women to bless our own bodies from time to time, whatever the ‘public opinion’ may condition us to think about ourselves. I find something like dancing is an amazing way to attune ourselves to our goddess within especially when it is in a place where we can let go of all self consciousness i.e. in private.
I was just reminded of a book I read years ago and enjoyed called Loving the Goddess Within: http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Goddess-Within-Magick-Women/dp/1878980017
thank you ladies yes I wrote this because I really want to remind us women and everyone that its normal and to be curious just to explore those shamed parts of ourselves.
Love your post, Christine! Like everything else in life, sex should be honored and enjoyed! It’s important that we don’t rush through it – that definitely brings on the fear – but instead take time to appreciate it and love it for what it is.
Great Blog and amazing tips. Love the create a ritual for yourself and/or partner Very powerful. Thank you!!!
Beautifully written & such a great reminder to kick our ego out of the bedroom & create a space for an abundance of pure love!
yes so important even as we know all these steps this is truly a mysterious process and we must honor that and be gentle as we explore these worlds within us. beautiful stuff ladies so glad it resonated with you all
Thank you for this Christine. You are truly an inspiration + YES it is so important to honor and address any and all issues pertaining to sexuality. MUY importante.
Love you and your work sister. x
Thank you for this Christine. It is so important to remember to honor our sexuality.
You rock sister.
I love this so so much. I am totally going to do the ritual. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this wonderful post. I love the idea of creating ritual. Fabulous!
There is a great deal of evidence that the ability to relax has a lot to do regarding sexual performance. Well it also has a lot to do with self esteem too.
I have to admit, I had not heard the ritual idea. Sounds great.
So refreshing this advice! And your writing is so lyrical and beautiful that it unfurls any hidden tension around the subject! Nice job!
thank you for all the wonderful comments goddess’. Its so important that we take the time to remember that we are literally divine goddess a vessel of pure magic our bodies have the capacity to create LIFE how elfin cool and make food MILK I mean really we are dope and so its a process theres shame and fear and its hard to be vulnerable though we all crave it. sex is one of the most vulnerable times and we want to ease our stress by relaxing and honoring through ritual through breathe through loving thoughts this magical journey into another state- this sexual experience either alone or with a partner. Beautiful beautiful stuff sending love to you all
What books do you recommend?
I have some great teachers that don’t have books but craft the best experiences I tend to learn best this way and have done my training this way-
Shawn Roop
Isis Phoenix sensualshaman.com
Urban Tantra is a good and easy read
One Taste live workshops in NY
I love that women are having a healthier, less fearful approach to sex. Sex can be holy or unholy depending on the meaning we assign it. If we can discover a deeper relationship with ourselves like these awesome tips suggest, we can tap into a source of unconditional love. Then sex is less about getting want we want, but more about extending a deeper love that we have inside of us already.
GREAT BLOG!
January 24, 2012