Other People’s Lives Aren’t What You Think
“Sometimes, late at night, I’m visited by dread and shame. I lie in bed and think of somebody else’s life. I imagine the love that they’re getting and the relief that comes from being really known. The private pleasures they share. The friends they have and the pressures they don’t. Their sense of importance. The satisfactions of their work. I imagine how fulfilled they are, and how rich their life is. In these moments, I feel empty and wanting.”
– The character Amy, in HBO’s “Enlightened”
Recently it’s come to my attention, with various people and in totally coincidental ways, that a lot of people are really struggling right now with the belief that Other People’s Lives are somehow better or more gratifying than their own. Both in my personal as well as my professional life, I’m getting the consistent feedback that some people are seeing the lives of others from a distance – whether on Facebook, Twitter or in the real world – and then filling in the blanks in such a way that they assume that those lives are glamorous, satisfying and problem-free.
The tendency to think this way is far from new, but in the age of social networking, it seems to have really amped itself up. I have friends, for example – wonderful friends with good lives – who are veering away from Facebook more and more because other people’s status updates are filling them with jealousy, as well as with the belief that their own lives are boring by comparison. As a therapist, it seems to me that this kind of thinking is not only mistaken, but that it has the potential to be psychologically damaging.
At the risk of sounding like I’m stating the obvious here: People do not, generally speaking, post pictures of themselves online when they’re crying or in an argument. They don’t post status updates about their grief, their humiliations or their low self-esteem. No, people (especially on Facebook) show us want they want us to see. Sometimes that’s intentional and deliberately crafted, but it also sometimes happens simply because people aren’t naturally inclined to post about the hard parts of their lives. That doesn’t mean that the hard parts don’t exist though! Moreover, while it may be hard to imagine, what we often underestimate when we think this way is that other people sometimes make these assumptions about us.
A couple of months ago, a client of mine came into session wanting to talk about an internal reaction that she had to a woman she’d seen walking up the street near my office. Evidently this woman was beautiful and well-dressed, and this prompted my very lovely client to make all sorts of assumptions about her. This woman had money; she was happy; she “had it all together” and “didn’t have any problems.” The funny thing about this, for me, is that this client is a very attractive and talented young woman, and she possesses many enviable attributes. I also happen to know that while there are things that have happened and are happening in her life that bring her pain, she talks about them with almost no one other than me, so I can all but guarantee that other people sometimes have the same reaction to her that she had to this woman. What’s perhaps even wilder is that this isn’t the only example of this kind of exchange that I’ve had in my clinical work recently. I’ve had several patients over the course of the past couple of months who have expressed this sentiment – that they have problems, but that other people don’t – when I have felt very sure that other people perceive them similarly.
Perhaps it’s the benefit of being a therapist, or the fact that I’ve had the privilege of knowing a number of people with seemingly charmed lives who have trusted me enough to show me the mold in their mental basements, but I just don’t buy into this notion that anybody’s life is perfect. We all have our baggage. We all suffer. Sadly, it’s the very nature of life. We only serve to make ourselves feel bad if we go around thinking that we have problems and that other people don’t.
If you ever find yourself thinking this way in the future, try to keep this one thought in mind: You never know what you don’t know about somebody else’s life. If it helps, think about some of the secrets that you keep closest to the vest (the things you’ve probably assumed that most other people don’t experience), and think about how many people you’ve told those secrets to. How many people DON’T know about some of the hardest aspects of your life? When you feel really down, do you Facebook about it? I’m guessing you don’t. So please, for Pete’s sake, don’t ever assume that other people don’t have problems.
For more information about this author, please visit, visit www.lesliecarr.com.
Photo credit: Carmela Alvarado
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19 Comments
I have reached a point in my life where I am again enviable. If you saw me on the street you would assume I had it all and in many respects I do. I have two fabulous daughters, a great husband, a lovely home. I’m attractive and fit and positive. What you wouldn’t notice are the last two and a half years of my life fighting and winning my personal war with breast cancer. You wouldn’t see that 2 &1/2 years after my mastectomy my breast reconstruction is still not done and I am odd breasted still. I hug my girls and they don’t feel a real chest and they still don’t feel even implants. They feel the expanders holding the places for my implants. What you don’t see is that my hair looks great at it short length it is still 8-10 inches shorter than it was when I shaved my head. My girls remember. I am now meeting many people for the first time and I wonder when it will come up in conversation or if it will. I am happy and moving forward but you are right to never assume someone has it easy. We all have demons we have battled whether it is cancer or bullying or a bad relationship. What makes us stand out is how we LIVE in spite of those things. What makes us stand out are our choices.
I really liked Angelique’s comment.
Comparing our insides to someone else’s outsides is not a fair comparison.
Thank you, Angelique, for that beautiful comment. What you said was right on point. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through. I wish you all the best as you continue on in your recovery.
So just last night, I laid my head on my kitchen table and cried huge fat tears. I was feeling sorry for myself. Sorry that my husband wasn’t getting up out of bed and coming to my rescue, “I bet”, I told myself, “that other women’s husbands would.” I told myself that other women’s husbands would do a better job of putting their sick wife before themselves, and not be in denial about their wife’s cancer for so long. I was sure other women didn’t worry about a cancer diagnosis when they didn’t have insurance, didn’t worry about their future, didn’t worry about their relationship with their kids…. it went on and on and on. And as I wrote it all out in my journal, I realized just how silly I was being. The feelings were real, but the reality the feelings were painting was not. I don’t look like I have cancer. Leukemia is funny that way. Walking down the hallway at school, or stopping into the coffee shop for tea…I am sure that I look enviable. I am put together, confident, smiling….and hiding a whole lot of pain and uncertainty. Your post really spoke to my soul. We all are carrying wounds. We are all facing something that seems insurmountable. We are all a little broken and trying like hell to mend the places faster than the cracks can crumble. That’s why being kind to everyone we meet, even with just a warm smile, is so important. We can make each other’s burden a little lighter just by realizing we are all the walking wounded.
Oh Darlene. Thank you so much for this comment. I hope that other people read this and have the same reaction that I just had – I am just so in love with your honesty. I think that so many people have this experience.
There is a quote, often attributed to Plato, that the end of your comment reminds me of: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” It is just so true. Life is hard! It seems that none of us get out unscathed. I’m so glad that you saw the monologue in your head for what it was – true in its feeling but not “the truth.”
I wish you the best in your recovery. Stay strong.
Leslie
Thanks for sharing this insight Leslie. I can relate to everything everyone has mentioned so far. I am a beast cancer survivor (just got my tissue expander in December after 3 years so a fist bump out to Angelique!) and I also struggled through fertility issues (with no success). I used to look at pregnant women with envy and wonder why it was so ‘easy’ for them, how lucky they are, and wish that was me…but after going through IVF and other treatments, I came to realize that they it might not have been ‘easy’ for them after all. I realized that I didn’t know their story. Everyone has a story. Now when I see pregnant women, I ask myself, “I wonder what their story is”. It makes everything seem a little more human an real.
5 weeks ago I finished my last KeeMo session and am now blessed to be cancer free. I call CANCER my friend and my enemy. My friend because it gave me a whole new outlook on my health and my life, I got my sense of humour back and now appreciate MY life and what a blessing it is to experience JOy and not take it for granted. It also introduced me to excellant medical care and some really wonderfully optimistic people. Yes cancer bought new loving friends into my life!Fancy that?My enemy because it threatened my very survival. Whilst I chose to handle my treatment privately with dignity it still annoyed me that people around me were getting on with life including behaviour of being envious of others and making petty comments on FACEBOOK. So I did some house cleaning a ditched quite a few “friends”. One girlfriend who saw me at the mall commented how fabulous I looked and kept asking me what diet I had been on even though she was aware I was doing KeeMo – lucky for her I had my sense of humour back otherwise I may have recomended she try KeeMo – worked for me girlfriend I lost 15kgs in 3 weeks – nver mind the side effects! But sincerely of course I would not wish it on anyone…Through post cancer counselling I have a new compassion for the human race. Its human for people to want what other people have, to be envious and even to complain.I didnt feel this way whilst battling Cancer, I felt that other people should count their blessings..which is very hard to do when you are too busy being envious and making comparisions of everyone else or quite simply when you dont think you have any blessings at all. I think being a grown up and some emotional maturity helps…
Great post Kris.
I design communities on/offline for companies and niche markets and use behavior as the principal design element.
Well said. On the mark. Human nature on steroids in a more connected world.
Great post Kris.
I design communities on/offline for companies and niche markets and use behavior as the principal design element.
Well said. On the mark. Human nature on steroids in a more connected world.
Great post Kris.
I design communities on/offline for companies and niche markets and use behavior as the principal design element.
Well said. On the mark. Human nature on steroids in a more connected world.
I really love this article- thank you! I try to remind myself how lucky I truly am whenever my mind starts to wonder about the life of others. It is easy to assume they have it all figured out- but I really think the focus needs to be internal about how we can be happy and content in our lives. Thanks again!
YES! Thank you so much for your insight here–I just received a question on this very thing and blogged on it yesterday. The social networking aspect that you mention is an interesting phenomenon–despite having the opportunity to be that much more connected with one another, if we aren’t aware of it, our minds can cause us to feel even more separate in the process.
Thanks for reminding us to seek the common ground with one another!
If you saw me walking down the street you might not see the deep pain in my eyes. My husband had an affair. I didn’t know. He was fired from his job because of it. I didn’t know. Someone sent me an anonymous note on my birthday telling me he’d had an affair and was fired for it.
I don’t know anyone in real life that has been betrayed by their husband. It is the loneliest feeling.
I’m seeing two therapists trying to deal with the trauma. And, now when I walk down the street I desperately look into the eyes of other women trying to find someone, anyone who understands this pain.
I’m a graduate student, working toward a PhD in southwest archaeology. This field is highly theoretical and philosophical, and maybe it has to be, since we study humans. When I read the above quote from the TV show, I see our culture (American, Westernized) at work. I see our culture working to ensure that our consumer driven economy does not change. It does so by planting ideas into our minds about how envious we all should be toward one another; wanting what the other has; wanting to be who the other is; wanting to wear the same clothes, drive the same car, live in the same house, have the same large screen plasma tv, have the same smart phone/tablet/lap top, etc.
Does no one else see the hypocritical messages from our culture? You know, the ones that tell us we’re all special individuals, unique in every way, and capable of anything we put our mind to, while at the same time filling our minds with doubts (either about your life in comparison to other people, or even about not being envious toward other people). What do you think is the cultural purpose of “Real Housewives” shows, for example, if not to make us want, want, want? Well, it is to ensure that we will never be satisfied, since we’re not the ones living in those fantastic houses filled with fabulous friends every night.
What I see is “Mother Culture” making sure her “children” continue to live the life that has given “her” so much power, that has given the Western world its hegemonic domination. The key sentence is the last from that quote: “In these moments I feel empty and wanting”. Well, our culture has prescribed the cure! Go out and buy yourself the things you so envy, so that you can “finally” land the perfect man/woman, have the greatest friends, drive the perfect car, and have the perfect life.
I don’t want to be a debbie downer, but if the people within our culture want to stop feeling so alienated toward one another, we as a group, are going to have to literally change our cultural perception of how to live. Then and only then, will there be the possibility of positive hegemonic messages.
For a quick summary on how to change a culture, read “Ishmael” by Daniel Quinn.
Good luck to everyone, I wish you the best, and may humans come to their senses before the entire Earth is destroyed.
Thanks for this fabulous post Leslie!! I need to read it (often) as I find myself thinking this way alot…like this morning for example when I noticed a co-worker who posted about heading to her girls weekend out of state and I sit here thinking about how much I miss traveling and never have the opportunity. It’s a terrible, pitiful thought but they invade me nonetheless. Instead I will try to focus on how great I will feel after my workout at the gym today and the “happy” that will bring me. :)
Wonderful post. Wonderful comments. Its soo easy to get stuck in believing there is this personal battle we are facing while the world around us is joyous and care free. Those feelings usually translate into “there’s something Im doing wrong because Im not as (fill in the blank) as her…”. The fact that we all struggle is the beauty and bind that connects us all. Thank you! I so needed to read this tonight..
Wow, I really needed to read this! It’s a daily struggle not to compare myself to others and wish for what they have. Some really inspiring and beautiful comments above, nice to see that we’re all in this together.
Great post! I read a sentence not long ago which really rang true – it went something like this, can’t remember it word for work:
‘we compare the backstage of our lives with other people’s front stage presentation’
So true. It it also useful to think about this the other way around – that when others come across as rude, aloof or whatever, we don’t know what is going on in their lives yet so often we respond with defensiveness, aggression etc when compassion and gentleness was what they might have been crying out for. Same goes in our own lives. We are so unforgiving of ourselves!
As John Butler, of the Trio, sang… “the grass is greener, but just as hard to moe” x
February 1, 2012