Five Tips for Establishing & Maintaining Healthy Boundaries
One of the most common questions I am asked as a mental health professional and someone living with and healing from a “chronic and progressive” neurological disease, Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (RSD/CRPS), is how to establish, maintain and enforce (when needed) healthy interpersonal boundaries. This topic is especially important when one is living with chronic, acute and/or terminal illness because unhealthy interpersonal relationships and stressful life events can flare up and even aid in the progression of many dis-eases. When trying to heal, spirits need to be flying high and stress needs to be kept low. Even as a healthy individual, stressful interpersonal relationships can put a major strain on your mind-body-spirit. Learning how to set and maintain healthy boundaries is a must for maintaining proper health and well-being throughout all areas of your life.
Many of the questions I get asked center around the other person, stating, “I’ve set my boundaries, but this person won’t change.” Establishing and maintaining boundaries in your life is not about forcing others to change, but it is about deciding what you will and will not tolerate followed by establishing how you will enforce those set boundaries if they are tested or simply ignored. Below are my five tips for establishing and maintaining healthy interpersonal boundaries.
1. Communicate your boundaries. Communicating your limits firmly, consistently, succinctly and without strong emotion (without blame and/or judgment) is imperative because one never accomplishes his/her goals by putting the target audience on the defensive. You don’t want to create more conflict. Try saying something like, “It is super important that I avoid stress in my life so that I can heal, which includes X, Y and Z.” Do not justify or rationalize your boundaries. This is not a two-way conversation but rather a polite, calm, firm and respectful statement of your needs – no discussion needed.
2. Communicate the consequences. Once you have communicated your boundaries, be sure to follow with the consequences for violating your boundaries. For those people in your life who are particularly manipulative, controlling, abusive or overbearing, stay firm, be very specific about what you will and will not tolerate, and be even more specific about the consequences that you will enforce if your boundaries are tested and crossed. For example, “If you continue to criticize me, I am going to end our conversation.”
3. Stay firm. Boundary setting is not a two-way conversation. There is no negotiating your boundaries and the consequences you put in place for when your boundaries are violated. Stay firm when it comes to what you will and will not tolerate in your life. You come first, and that is OK.
4. Practice makes perfect. Learning to set boundaries can take time and, like any other skill, you will improve with practice. For many, the idea of standing up for yourself and communicating your desires may feel totally foreign. Don’t worry, with time, it will become a staple in your health and wellness tool box.
5. Lose the Guilt: It is quite common for individuals, especially us people-pleasers, to feel guilty or selfish when establishing boundaries and saying “no,” but it is important to recognize that you have the right to take care of yourself without letting limiting belief systems get in the way of your mind-body-spirit health and wellness. Remember, saying “no” to someone often means you are saying “yes” to yourself. Start saying “yes” to yourself today.
You deserve unbounded happiness, you are worthy of luscious miracles, and you belong in healthy, loving and respectful interpersonal relationships. If you require some daily affirmations to help yourself through the beginning stages of setting and enforcing your boundaries, repeat the previous sentence over and over again several times a day while adding: “I have the right to take care of myself.” If you don’t, who will?
Maria Mooney, MSW, LSW, is a raw vegan, licensed social worker living with a progressive neurological disease, Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (RSD/CRPS). On her blog, Maria reflects on lessons learned through her health challenges, shares her experiences with alternative and traditional treatments, enjoys life to its fullest and heals herself.
Photo credit: Oni
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13 Comments
Hi, Heather! Dealing with someone who is addicted to a substance is much different because their thought processes are distorted. They are ill and need to help, so reasoning with them often does not work. Lying and manipulation are often part of addiction. Keep your boundaries firm for YOU, not for him. So that you can have peace. Good luck!
Hi Maria,
Thanks for such a great article! I particularly like your mantra of “I have the right to take care of myself”. In my current (wonderful) relationship, I had to set very specific boundaries about six months in regarding my boyfriend’s ex who was becoming toxic to our relationship. I felt like a you-know-what and was terrified of losing him, but it was more terrifying to think of my own happiness being compromised (it even feels selfish writing it!).
Those boundaries have been respected, and my boyfriend randomly said to me the other day (6 months later), “I like how honest you are and tell people exactly what you want”.
I think when you are confident and truly respect your own soul it becomes easier to set these boundaries. This is coming from an ex-doormat!
Thanks again for writing a great piece! Take care!
-Mary
Hi Maria,
Thank you for this article. It’s something I, and others I know need to do. I was diagnosed many years ago with fibromyalgia, and the worst trigger for me seems to be stress caused by interpersonal relationships. I’ve told myslef a million times “no more” but always end up giving in or trying to avoid people. I know it’s really important for my health to create and maintain boundaries, but I’ve never heard anyone say it’s ok not to feel guilty about it. I think that’s what I struggle with most. It would be easy if people didn’t make you feel like you were the uncaring person for trying to make a happy and healthy life for yourself.
Thank you so much for reminding me and letting me know it’s ok to be happy.
Hi, Mary and Lisa! I’m so glad you liked my post. Boundary setting is really a self-care tactic just like eating well and exercising. Feeling guilty about it will just harm you in the end. Keep taking care of yourselves!
Hi Maria,
thanks for your beautiful post. It’s just so hard to follow through. When you start to put yourself first people around you think you ‘ve gone mad. Practice, practice, practice.
Setting proper boundaries is one way of prevention. I often tell my patients they don’t need to get sick if they take good care of their needs in the first place.
Thank you for this, Maria. I have felt bad or guilty when I have told people “no,” but this post is a good reminder that I don’t need to feel guilty, as I need to take care of myself.
Your right, it’s all about making a firm deciscion about what it is that you want and sticking to your goals. We often fall short of our desired gain when we loose our focus. These points listed above really do help in the process. Thanks for posting.
What an awesome article! I really needed this right now and I thank my beautiful daughter Andrea for sending it to me.
Thank you for talking about this essential piece of self-care. If setting boundaries were reading, I could honestly say that I am almost completely illiterate. I must seek out more information in this area. Thank you for the post.
Hi, everyone! Thank you for reading. I’m so happy you have enjoyed this post, and it has reminded all of you to take care of your beautiful selves.
Learning to set healthy boundaries can feel uncomfortable, even scary, because it may go against the grain of the survival skills we learned in childhood – particularly if our caretakers were physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive. For example, we may have learned to repress our anger or other painful emotions because we would have been attacked and blamed for expressing the very pain the abuse had caused. Thus, attempting to set healthy boundaries as an adult may initially be accompanied by anxiety, but we must learn to work through these conditioned fears, or we will never have healthy relationships.
Martha, AMEN!
Hi Maria,
This is something that I have been struggling a lot with recently, though for a different reason – I am in a serious relationship with someone who grew up with marajuana as their outlet. I have no desire to be in a relationship with someone that smokes anything, and have communicated that many times. I set firm boundaries and held to them, but the person just ended up lying to me about it because he knew my boundaries were so rigid and enforced. This weekend we finally worked out a compromise in which I would tolerate his occasional smoking for the next few months as he works out how to stop, but that he will stop 100% within the next 3-4 months, or I won’t move in with him. It was really hard for me to step back and temporarily allow something I dislike so much, but setting such strong boundaries was having the opposite of the effect that I had hoped
March 1, 2012