Be Willing To Suck (At It)
My father once told me that God gave me the talent to be an artist.
Art was my passion.
My dream was to get a Bachelor of Fine Arts in fiber arts. My work during those college years was presented in a show and is in a book about handmade felt. Oh, how I could get lost in that creative place for hours, days, weeks and months!
But I gave up my desire to be an artist in 1978.
I clearly remember thinking that if I couldn’t be the best, why bother? I wasn’t willing to not be the best. My ego won the game. My soul lost.
Seth Godin asked these wonderful questions in one of his blog posts: “Is perfect important? Do you feel the need to fail privately, not in public? How long can you wait before it feels as though you’re succeeding? How open are you to receiving criticism?”
These are thought-provoking.
I phrase it slightly differently. You have to be willing to suck. What does that mean exactly? It means you are:
-Willing to appear stupid.
-Willing to be disappointed.
-Willing to be embarrassed.
-Willing to show up and take action.
-Willing to accept whatever comes back to you -– be it praise or criticism.
-Willing to be vulnerable.
-Willing to do what you love no matter what anyone thinks.
-Willing to break the rules.
-Willing to be fearless.
-Willing to risk feeling shame.
-Willing to do what you want to do, not what others want you to do.
-Willing to look underneath shame and acknowledge the universal belief with which we all struggle, from time to time that tells us, “I am not good enough.”
Brene Brown, Ph.D,. is a research professor at the University of Houston’s Graduate College of Social Work. While studying shame, vulnerability, courage and authenticity, she has learned that shame is best defined as the fear of disconnection. “If other people find out _________ (fill in the blank with your fear), I will be rejected.” Brown postulates what is underneath shame is the same old fear or belief, “I’m not good enough.” There it is again, rearing its ugly head.
And I see it on a daily basis with my clients. There is always a fear that holds them back from doing something they are passionate about. It shows up in a variety of flavors: “I’m not smart enough, thin enough, experienced enough, beautiful enough, or rich enough.” The true belief underneath these false thoughts is fear is of being vulnerable. I believe this is what stops us from fulfilling our soul’s destiny.
Some people have a strong sense of self-worth. They feel worthy of connection and love. What Brown found was that these people have a sense of courage. They are willing to be imperfect. They know how to be compassionate with themselves and others. And what I loved most in reading Brown’s work is the evidence that these people, with a strong sense of their own worthiness, are authentic. They are willing to let go of who they “should” become and just be themselves with all their flaws.
I want to share this idea with you: Be willing to show your warts, your flaws and all your imperfections and love those parts of yourself. They make up who you are. You’ll discover that people love you much more for being exactly who you are because you were willing to be vulnerable enough with us to share that part of yourself with us. That builds a bond of trust.
What’s fascinating about vulnerability is when we move through it, without numbing ourselves with food, alcohol, the Internet, shopping, TV or other ways to distract ourselves from feeling, we actually become happier and more connected to those around us.
When we numb-out a stressful feeling, we numb-out the good feelings as well – happiness, joy, play and fun. The antidote is self-love. Practice random acts of kindness towards yourself.
I think I have an Annie Hall quality to me. It’s the spacey part of me that will shortcut my mind and blurt out something outrageous at the wrong time. Or I might ask the dumbest question you’ve heard in a long time. It’s a quirky side of me that I have found funny and endearing. It has taken a long time, but I have now fallen in love with “her.” I embrace her.
Just know that what makes you who you are is your whole self, not the façade and not the “Little Ms. Perfect.” Be willing. Be courageous. Be fearless. Be vulnerable.
How do you do that? Try looking back on times in your life when you have experienced adversity. Where were you courageous? Where were you willing to ask for help when you were vulnerable? Where did you take risks? This is how you know your own level of resilience. You can count on yourself by remembering how you got through it. This will help you find ways to be proud of yourself. Learn to take risks and expand your comfort zone. The more you do, the more you live up to your full potential.
Lots of very successful people have embraced this idea.
Steve Jobs said, “I’m the only person I know that’s lost a quarter of a billion dollars in one year … It’s very character-building.”
Over the years, I have developed a philosophy regarding success: The more times I strike out, the more chances I have of hitting a home run. I call it my “Hank Aaron” philosophy. I am willing to take a risk, to not do it perfectly, and to keep upping my game.
Hank said, “I have always felt that although someone may defeat me, and I strikeout in a ball game, the pitcher on the particular day was the best player. But I know when I see him again, I’m going to be ready for his curve ball. Failure is a part of success. There is no such thing as a bed of roses all your life. But failure will never stand in the way of success if you learn from it.”
Now, 34 years later, my soul is calling me back to art – back to photography – a new form of art that I want to practice. The game is not over yet.
Here’s the difference: I am now willing to suck at it because I love it.
Sherold Barr is a life purpose, business coach, and freedom fighter for women who want to find their calling, master their fears and complete the impossible. She’s writing a digital manifesto called “The Top 10 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Was 30: a baby boomers manifesto to Gen X and millennials.”
Photo credit: Cavale Doom
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26 Comments
This is such a lovely post! I absolutely loved reading it!
This is wonderful! I’m sharing with all my social platforms. Everyone needs to read this <3
I have a sister with cancer and was a wonderful artist years ago. We are trying to encourage her to paint again but is afraid. This article is perfect for her. She doesn’t use a computer so I tried to print it for her but it doesn’t print. Is there any way to get this article hard copy?
Thank,
Martha
Wonderful, wonderful post! All of my strongest relationships — professional, romantic, friendly, family — have always been with people totally willing to show their warts. Showing your warts means being yourself…the good, the bad, the ugly and the great.
I think this may be my motto for the new year – “Don’t be afraid to suck”. I love it!
I loved this. Straight up, 80 proof inspiration. Perfect for a Monday. Thanks for posting it. xo
This is great. I too delayed becoming an artist until after college, mostly because my family made it VERY clear that they didn’t respect art as a career & as such I didn’t think I was talented enough (or else why would they say something like that?). Turns out, they were just ignorant. Additionally, I am not capable as a person of acting perfect or like someone whose “warts” aren’t all hanging out everywhere like nipples on a halftime show … so … you know. Warts and all.
One of the best posts I have read in a very long time. The more I read the more I was willing to let go of my fears and suck at it!
Fantastic, Sherold! LOVE the permission to suck. Let go of the ego, let the soul shine in.
YES, Sherold! Let the ego go and let the soul shine in! Thank you for this.
This is awesome. Thank you so much for it.
Ani – don’t give up. Maybe you need to find another person out there that has a similar business where it might fit and could get some promotion. Search for a program called Body Heart and talk to Amber about your idea. See if she can recommend others who are doing generally the same thing or have that theme. Maybe it “how” you’re selling it. Follow your heart and your intuition. Notice what gives you the spark of life and energy – go there. I am glad this spoke to you:)
Samizdatik, Lindsey – thank you for your comments and for sharing;)
Martha – I can send you a copy of the article in Word. My email is sherold@sheroldbarr.com. You can go to a friend and have them print it off if you don’t have a printer.
Kate – yes you are so right! Showing your warts actually creates closer friends. It allows trust to be built between people. You are so wise to know this!
Kelly – it’s a fun motto. My assistant Sarah and I have started telling each other that we suck. It has made what was felt as “I did it wrong,” into a joke. We laugh constantly about this now. It’s the most freeing thing.
Jasmine – I love that it is good 80 proof for Monday;) Thank you so much.
Amber – I love that take “not capable” of being perfect. I tried to do things perfectly for soooo many years. I’ve dumped it. Way to go to embrace your whole self! It’s our ego’s way to try to protect us from shame but it has us playing small and hiding. So bust out there and stand tall!
Lisa – what an honor for me to hear that this is one of the best posts you’ve read in a long time. I have 10 chapters (this is one) coming. Six are finished and it will be distributed for FREE. So I hope it resonates with a lot of people.
Laura – yes the ego is trying to protect us with the voice of the inner critic or judge. So you ask that voice in the head – are you here to help me or hold me back? If you feel your energy drained, it’s holding you back. Follow your whispers of intuition, yearnings and longings. That’s the language of the soul:)
Really Good Sherold!! I have been playing small in my business recently because of that voice in my head that says ” You don’t know enough. So many others areWAY more qualified”. anyway…. your post was exactly what I needed to read this afternoon. Thank you! I’d love to get your ebook when it’s done.Do ypou have any idea when you’ll have it complete?
Really Good Sherold!! I’ve been playing small in my business recently because I keep hearing that voice in my head that says ” You really don’t know enough. Others are WAY more qualified”. Anyway…. your post was exactly what I needed to read this afternoon. Thank you! I’d love to get your ebook when it’s done. Do you have any idea when it will be completed?
Diane – that voice is your inner critic and if you believe it you will play small! I hope to have it finished by late April. If you sign up on my web site, you can get updates about it. http://sheroldbarr.com Thanks and I’m so glad it helped you today.
Oh, I just loved this. It felt like it was written exactly for me! From the bottom of my heart, thank you =)
Great solid advice. Thank you for connecting Brene Brown and Hank Aaron. Just awesome.
Ashley – I am so glad it spoke to you! From my heart back to you – hugs.
Brent – I want you to know that the Annie Hall part of me knows exactly zero about sports – kind of cool that this philosophy resonates so much with me. I got it clear in my mind when my boutique PR biz lost $96k in the dot.com bust times. I went back out and never let it stop me. Grossed $497k the next year;) It works for me! Hope you can use it.
Sherold,
How refreshing. I was in college in the late seventies. I really wanted to go into art. My dad said, “you can’t make any money in art.” So that was my excuse to not persue it. But the truth was I was afraid to fail. But really it was the one thing that I wanted to do.
Sue – that is what people said to me as well. I thought I needed to go another route and learn about marketing where I spent most of my career. Are you still doing any type of artistic hobby or creative work? it’s never too late to go back to something that you enjoy.
Sherold, you have done it again. I just made prints of my recent artwork and took them to another artist I know for matting and framing. Signing these prints and telling her to use beautiful ways to ‘dress them’ gave me the jitters. I wanted to cry! I got afraid! I also felt tenderness for the part of me that is willing to suck at it.
Thank you for your fearless writing.
Sherold,
It is funny. When I am forced into doing something creative I become involved and alive and in love with the results. But I don’t make time for it. I don’t know what I am waiting for. I seldom get over the hump of starting. It has got to be the fear. (or denial of time passing) Also, the career I went into, which is worthwhile but NOT my passion, takes oodles of time and energy.
Anne Marie – the world is waiting for the beauty you are creating. I know, I’ve seen it. I love that you are compassionate with your true Self and that although your inner critic is talking to you, you aren’t listening. Score one for the soul!
Sue – I know this one too because it happens for me as well. I suggest make a date with yourself. It’s the only time I can clear business out of my way so I have the time to work with my photos or take photographs. I just bought a scanner and have it here for me to start scanning in old photos. So start dating yourself. I will schedule time in my calendar right now for a self date to do my photos.
I think that at the end of my life I have not fulfilled my life’s purpose, i should come back in another. That to me is where true happiness lies.
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Thank you so much Sherold for such a wonderful post. I was told that I wasn’t artistic as a child, so I shut down any thoughts of creativity and entered into a world of science….but even there I had to inject creativity and became a nutrition/health writer – but it wasn’t enough. This year I started a new creative business making ‘love bags’ for women to inspire self-love. It’s a very new venture and so far I haven’t sold anything, which feels a bit upsetting….but I am so glad I am giving it a go, my soul was calling for this so I am willing to see what happens and give it my very best shot. Namaste, Ani x
February 27, 2012