The Tumor on My Last Nerve
by Sandra Joseph
Did you know you have twelve nerves in your head? I don’t get too picky about the exact whereabouts, but I know that they are located somewhere around your brain stem and each one has a different gig. For example, your eighth cranial nerve controls the hearing in your left ear. Or maybe it’s the right ear. I’m absolutely certain about the job of the last one, the twelfth cranial nerve. It controls the motor function on the left side of your tongue. I know this definitively because in January 2007, my doctor called to tell me that “unfortunately” (the word you never want to hear after an scan of your noggin’) I have a small mass on my twelfth cranial nerve.
This explained why I had found it increasingly difficult to articulate certain words that require major use of the tongue, like “Google.” Say it out loud right now. Really. Notice the Herculean job that goes on inside your mouth as you pronounce this relatively recent verb? Your tongue gets a workout from stem to stern. Go ahead, say it with me: Google. I can pronounce it, but I’ve lost about 40 percent of my motor function due to the tumor on my last nerve.
So what’s the big deal about losing 40 percent use of one side of your tongue? I suppose it wouldn’t be much of a deal at all if it weren’t for the fact that I use my voice for a living. Maybe you’ve heard of a little Broadway musical called, “The Phantom of the Opera”? There’s this dude with a gnarly face who wears a white mask and chases around a young soprano named Christine Daaé. That young soprano on Broadway was me from 1998 until 2006 (at which point the “young” part became debatable). For an actress and singer, the tongue, as well as every other mechanism involved in vocalization, is of critical value.
The good news is that the tumor on my last nerve is not life-threatening. But the docs stop short of calling it benign due to its rather precarious position at the entry point of my brain and the fact that unfortunately it could become malignant at any time. So what does one do when faced with such anxiety-provoking news? Fortunately, my acting background provides several useful tools for dealing with what, in a script, would be called “the given circumstances.”
My given circumstances currently look like this: I may lose my ability to sing. I may become incurably ill. I may die.
But as I begin to play out that scene, I can almost literally hear my acting teacher clap his hands to interrupt the action: “Sandra, don’t play the end of the scene at the beginning.”
Sometimes actors enter a scene prepped for what they know is coming – the emotional breakdown, the knock-down drag-out – and they bring that negative energy into the scene before the conflict has even begun. It lends an unnecessary weight and edge to what is actually happening in the moment.
Do you ever find yourself doing this in life? I know I do. If we’re not awake and aware, it’s all too easy to project forward into imagined circumstances that haven’t even occurred. We brace ourselves, armed for battle and bring fearful energy into our current reality. When we do that, we rob ourselves of the joy and freedom being offered in the here and now.
Even in a play, when the script is already written and you know precisely how it’s going to end, it doesn’t serve you or the play to act with foreknowledge. In acting, as in life, you and your fellow players are best served by staying present, saying “yes” to what is happening right now, and allowing room for surprise.
Today, the little beauty near my brain is holding steady not causing me a bit of trouble. If it weren’t for my tiny tumor, I may never have found Kris Carr and gotten my Crazy Sexy lifestyle on. When I remain present to this moment, the given circumstances of my life look very different:
I am sitting at my desk typing a guest post for my favorite blog. I feel better than I have in years. I love and appreciate the gift of being able to use my voice not only to sing but as a tool for positive change in the world.
As you act out the script of your life, ask yourself, “Am I playing the end of the scene at the beginning?” “Can I say ‘yes’ to what is happening in the present moment?”
Meanwhile, mind if I ask you a favor? Celebrate your tongue today. Use it wisely. Sing at the top of your lungs. Speak your truth boldly. Give a special something-something to your honey. Significant others can thank me later.
Sandra Joseph is an actress, singer, motivational speaker and author of the forthcoming book, “Phantom Girl: A Memoir of Becoming Real.” In 2011, she will be teaching Performance as a Path to Presence: A Singing and Acting Workshop at The Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, New York.
39 Comments
Love this post! Thank You!
wow……what a story.
it is very trying for a performer to have something come between oneself and one’s art.
making one question one’s true identity.
what grace you have……you are an exceptional soprano in as aspects of life!
Thanks for the inspiration!
I love this blog and I love love LOVE this post! Thank you for sharing.
Oh my gosh Sandra, this is exactly what I needed to hear today! I am dealing with breast cancer that is currently under control, but I am still in stage IV. I am looking for a job and dreading the where do you see yourself in the next five years question. You story has given me the push to not play out the scene in my life at five years as negative, but instead play it out in my mind as positive since even though science says in stage IV I many only live five years I don’t have to play that scene out right now. Thank you!
This post hits home. I have (no had after cyber knife treatments) a tumor on my sixth nerve. this nerve rendered my left eye paralyzed. Try driving when you se double vision. I still see double but not so bad. And in the end, they are sure to come back. So we will cyber knife them again and again until I am blind and dumb…or five years. that is what they say, five. And you kow what I thought? Phew, I thought they were going to say six to eighteen months. Five years gets my kiddos to midle school years. Phew.
Thank you Birgitte, Shari, Sharyn, and Amanda. I love this blog too, and I’m so glad my post spoke to you.
Get Skinny Go Vegan, you are so right that when your artistic ability is threatened, it makes you question your identity. Who am I if I can no longer sing? This is a major theme in my book. My tumor caused me to reexamine who I really am and stop identifying only as my ego-self, which Eckhart Tolle calls “the little me.”
Lisa and Sara, you just keep on rocking the NOW, my sistas! Thanks for sharing your stories. I believe there is no better place to get support than here in the CSL community.
Wow, Sandra! I’ve heard lots of stuff about living in the moment, but your story truly nails it for me. “…don’t play the end of the scene at the beginning.” Love that! Your voice soars both in song and on the page. Thank you!
Hi Sandra, thanks for sharing: this was really inspirational and yes, you are so right: sometimes we do start from the end and forget that we might change that end if we go through the entire scene without hurry. Life is a continue battle, we encounter bad people, good people, good and bad luck, and we forget that we are on this hearth only for a short period, so we must do our best to enjoy it: as much as we go down, we have to rise again and try to think positive. I know it is not always easy but at least we have to try. Much love, ettore.
You’ve shared, I have benefitted. Many others will, too. Thank you for this gift.
My family and I saw your performance last year at the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island – you were wonderful!
What is the target age group for your upcoming workshop in NY?
Wow, Sandra, this is wonderful! not that you have the tumor, of course, but that you’ve shared this with us and have such a positive outlook. And, what a reminder– re not “playing the end of the scene at the beginning”–I too often find myself caught up in that instead of in the present moment. Even years of meditation (off and on) haven’t kept me in the moment, so your little wakeup really helps!! OH, Omega Institute is wonderful!! Bravo to doing the workshop there! And, bring your performances to the DC area–please… there are LOTS of venues here (as I’m sure you know…). Hugs and peace and namaste, Jan
Sandra,
Wise and prescient words. The AHA!!! moment of not playing the end of the scene at the beginning hits my solar plexis of reality/life and now I truly get it.
Thanks.
You rock!
We met you at The Grand. You may not be able to say Google but with your spirit you can FLY as high as you want,
Wanted to tell you today. Who knows tomorrow.
What a great writer you are! I can’t wait to read your book. Keep singing and definitely keep writing. Stay away from Google and all will be well.
Wow San….Please don’t ever hesitate to give a shout if you ever need anything at all!
Love always…
I needed this today. Thank you.
Thanks for the much needed reminder to live in the present! You have gifts beyond your singing voice.
xoxo
Marie
Sandra I have missed you SO much! I hope one day we get to sing together, just for the hell of it.
Never want to play the last scene first, good advice!
xoxoxo
love you
deb
such a brave beautiful soul…. even if you get to the point where you can’t sing… I can hear the melody in your words, this story has touched me profoundly…God bless you and the ladies here that are dealing with CanSer…just horrifying. I lost my Irish Twin to canSer 2 years ago tomorrow. she fought the good fight, but just got tired near the end (she also had a drug addicted daughter living with her which I think helped her decide to stop winning the battle, all just too much for her)
Thank you all for sharing…. thank God for people like you !!!
So sorry to read about this, but thankfully a lot of good may come of it. I have confidence in modern medicine and believe that you will be fine even if you can no longer sing.
I do find myself more times than not skipping to the last scene so to speak; naturally gravitating to the worst possible outcome. It’s a habit I am trying to shake as we tend to create what we fear most.
All the best to you!
Wonderful to hear you so upbeat-Teaching Centering Prayer for the past 20 years or more keeps me tuned to the “Presence” and the present
Peace and blessings
Elizabeth
…love this philosophy…if you have not read Marianne Williamson’s books yet, I highly recommend them!
Thanks for the post. I too propel myself into the future way to often Thank you for the reminder on being present to this moment.
What wonderful truths, and a good reminder for the stage and life.
HOORAY for you, Sandra!! Your words are as beautiful as your voice — and that’s a tough one to match! xxx
An INcredible Post! WOW!!!
Whoa. Reading all of your comments is so incredibly meaningful to me. I wish I could reply to every single one of you individually. Please know that I’m reading every word and sending huge waves of love and gratitude to all of you who have commented, emailed, liked, Tweeted, and otherwise let your voices be heard. You make my heart sing.
xoxo…
And big thanks to Kris, Tina, Corinne, and everyone at CSL for allowing me to play a small role on this crazy sexy stage. You inspire me every day.
Sandra, what an inspiration you are!
We have missed you here!
I LOVE “don’t play the end of the scene in the beginning”, I’m gonna remind myself not to do that…
xoxo
Great post! Sounds like you are getting along well.
I think I often jump to all sorts of negative conclusions. Thanks for the reminder that even the worst sounding things don’t always turn out negative.
Thank you for sharing Sandra – I stumbled on this site because I subscribe to the Omega Institute Newsletter and happened to see your workshop which then had a link to your website. You know how they say “there are no coincidences in life”? I think I needed to see your posting today. I remember crying when I watched you on Oprah & also crying because I had seen the show where the woman would stand in Oprah’s shoes to give herself strength. Both of those shows touched me. I also need to remind myself to live in the moment – I forget because I’m so busy worrying about the future! Thank you for the inspiration – I look forward to reading your book.
One more reason to prefer Yahoo! ROFLMAO… but seriously, very awesome message…
amazing and inspirational. thank you.
Hi Sandra This is your Moms cousin Deb Schultz. I recently signed on to your site and Im soo glad I did. Your story has really helped one of my dearest friends since childhood Candy. She is our ROCK of the group but multiple health problems have shifted her foundation. After reading your blog her new Mantra is “Don’t play the end of the scene at the beginning”. Its amazing how Gods timing takes you to just the right place and person. Thank you so much for being you! LOved you in Phatom back when? Take Care LOVE DEB so are we 2nd cousins? You can see my face if you click my new little business below.
Thanks for this! I will definitely use my tongue wisely today..:)
Love this post and thanking my tongue as I type :)
Your acting perspective was refreshing and gave new meaning to the whole “positive attitude” mantra.
Hope you have a wonderful day and sending your 12th nerve some love-
Kate
Interesting point of view to such a story. I like it .
Wow, I don’t know you at all, my wife just forwarded this link to me, but I so admire you. I write a blog myself about living every moment, and you have figured out the secret of what we all refuse to admit, that all we really have is right now. So amazing! Good for you!
wow sandra! had no idea this happened to you. it would take a lot to alter that beautiful voice of yours. from the time i first heard it i knew it would bring thousands of people enjoyment.
i only wish you the best and please let us know any projects you might have in the future..
love your “first” phantom director/producer
Thank you for sharing this Sandra. A wonderful post. I can really relate to “playing the end of the scene at the beginning”, thank you for reminding me to be more in the moment.
March 1, 2011