Very interesting observation. I will have to pay more attention to it, but I don’t think I hear it very much around me here in England. “Pardon me” and “Excuse me” are more appropriately used. I wonder how often I use it …

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Just the other day, I started asking “for what?”, when people say “I’m sorry” at me. It’s turned out to be surprising how many very positive responses I’ve gotten from pointing out to people that they weren’t doing anything wrong, and had no reason on earth to apologize to me.

I just had this conversation with my teenage daughters, who drop “I’m sorry’s” as much as “likes!” I asked them to reserve sorry for when they really mean it, and reintroduced excuse me and pardon me. I like the eye contact /say it once idea. Thank you for this timely posting.

TOTALLY. It’s such a form of repression and I think it is a significant contribution to illness in general. It’s as bad as holding in emotion and letting it simmer. Great post! Great reminder! I’m not sorry dammit!

This is a great reminder, thank you! I also find it interesting the way we respond when someone says “I’m sorry.” Nine times out of ten the response is something along the lines of “it’s ok.” This really drives me nuts, too! If someone is apologizing for something they genuinely feel badly about or messed up on, then it’s NOT ok and we shouldn’t respond in such a way as (in my opinion) it diminishes the significance of the apology. As a teacher I worked with my students during times of conflict to say “I accept your apology.” I believe this is something adults could practice more, too!

I’ve actually thought a lot about this and about the changed nature of “thank you,” which seems to have also lost a lot of its power. As little kids, both of these phrases had weight, but as adults, we throw them around just as often as we say “um.” I’m totally with you on getting rid of the excessive sorries in our lives. Stop apologizing for existing! (The extra “thank you”s can probably stay, though; we could all use more gratitude.)

I love this! The last time I’ll say I’m sorry: I’m sorry for killing “I’m sorry.”

I disagree. This idea that “I’m sorry” automatically equates to an admission of wrongdoing is misguided. Sometimes an apology is a genuine reflection of regret – you really do feel you were in the wrong and you say so. I think most human beings are smart enough to gather from context, demeanor, and tone whether or not this is the case. In other situations, “I’m sorry” works as a kind of social lubricant, a way to smooth over rough edges and make room for others. It doesn’t mean chastising oneself for being human and making mistakes, it works like any other element of politeness: to remind us to think of others.

I also find this argument to be more than a little sexist and ethnocentric.

It’s a sexist statement because it measures feminine/womanly expression in relation to men’s… Men don’t apologise for everything, only women do this… Therefore it is a damaging / inferior / incorrect / inappropriate way of relating to the world/other people. No. Saying ‘I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel” can have very appropriate meanings attached to it. Maybe you’re not sorry for how you feel, but you’re sorry that it will hurt someone? Within the English language “sorry” has multiple meanings, including regret (not ALWAYS for wrongdoing), sympathy, and pity. When I apologise for changing my order at a coffee shop (I am not ashamed that I do this), I do so not because I think I am wrong for changing my mind, but because I know that a) the old order will be thrown out, and I regret that I’ve wasted those materials and b) it means more work for the barista, whom I feel sympathy for. This linguistic empathy is a trademark of what has been considered “feminine speech” in North American English. It’s degradation to me spanks of a phallocentric appeal to essentialist masculine (aka “standard”) language.

As for ethnocentrism: in central Canada, apologies are standard. If someone holds open a door for someone else they are just as likely to hear “sorry” as “thank you.” Neither one is incorrect. It’s simply a rural Canadian approach to language. Diatribes like this fail to appreciate cultural differences in language usage and contribute to an environment that prizes American English over any other variant. I don’t feel that the people in the community I grew up in are constantly crushed under the weight over their immense guilt. No, that’s not how it works. Apologies are just a way of showing concern for the other party, and recognising that you are never the only one involved in an interaction.

I’m happy to live in a world where people attempt to be aware of their actions and the consequences they have, especially on the well-being of others. I don’t want to live in a world where this is discouraged. What you may find “not serious” and therefor not worthy of an apology could be immensely offensive to other people. You might be surprised how far a simple apology goes towards reversing that effect. I am not sorry for saying sorry, but I am sorry you felt so burdened by the word… Just please don’t project your issues onto all of us.

I disagree. This idea that “I’m sorry” automatically equates to an admission of wrongdoing is misguided. Sometimes an apology is a genuine reflection of regret – you really do feel you were in the wrong and you say so. I think most human beings are smart enough to gather from context, demeanor, and tone whether or not this is the case. In other situations, “I’m sorry” works as a kind of social lubricant, a way to smooth over rough edges and make room for others. It doesn’t mean chastising oneself for being human and making mistakes, it works like any other element of politeness: to remind us to think of others.

I also find this argument to be more than a little sexist and ethnocentric.

It’s a sexist statement because it measures feminine/womanly expression in relation to men’s… Men don’t apologise for everything, only women do this… Therefore it is a damaging / inferior / incorrect / inappropriate way of relating to the world/other people. No. Saying ‘I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel” can have very appropriate meanings attached to it. Maybe you’re not sorry for how you feel, but you’re sorry that it will hurt someone? Within the English language “sorry” has multiple meanings, including regret (not ALWAYS for wrongdoing), sympathy, and pity. When I apologise for changing my order at a coffee shop (I am not ashamed that I do this), I do so not because I think I am wrong for changing my mind, but because I know that a) the old order will be thrown out, and I regret that I’ve wasted those materials and b) it means more work for the barista, whom I feel sympathy for. This linguistic empathy is a trademark of what has been considered “feminine speech” in North American English. It’s degradation to me spanks of a phallocentric appeal to essentialist masculine (aka “standard”) language.

As for ethnocentrism: in central Canada, apologies are standard. If someone holds open a door for someone else they are just as likely to hear “sorry” as “thank you.” Neither one is incorrect. It’s simply a rural Canadian approach to language. Diatribes like this fail to appreciate cultural differences in language usage and contribute to an environment that prizes American English over any other variant. I don’t feel that the people in the community I grew up in are constantly crushed under the weight over their immense guilt. No, that’s not how it works. Apologies are just a way of showing concern for the other party, and recognising that you are never the only one involved in an interaction.

I’m happy to live in a world where people attempt to be aware of their actions and the consequences they have, especially on the well-being of others. I don’t want to live in a world where this is discouraged. Encouraging people to step away from apologising for little things will eventually lead to big things being side-stepped. The line drawn between the two is arbitrary and subjective. What you may find “not serious” and therefor not worthy of an apology could be immensely offensive to other people. You might be surprised how far a simple apology goes towards reversing that effect. I am not sorry for saying sorry, but I am sorry you felt so burdened by the word… Just please don’t project your issues onto all of us.

Great post! I think it goes hand in hand with how judgmental the world has become. Maybe not any more so than in the past, but on a grander scale because now we can instantly judge someone half a world away. As women in this world so connected, whether through internet, cable t.v., or the omnipresent news media, we are now subjected to the opinions (and offer up our own as well) of people around the world – almost instantaneously.

If you should do something that is merely careless or stupid and have the bad luck to have it captured on video, you are potentially opened up to the ridicule of millions through outlets such as YouTube.

We watch the news or read blogs and feel we have the right to judge others. Should a Mom decide to post an article on how she raises her children that differs from what others may feel is the ‘right’ way, she opens herself up to all sorts of nasty labels…. ‘neglectful’, ‘abuse’, ‘terrible parent’.

Sorry acts as a protective measure. A way to say “see, I’m a nice person…don’t judge me too harshly”

I’ve wondered for awhile how saying “I’m sorry” became so prevalent. There are probably a myriad of reasons but hadn’t thought of that people rarely say “excuse me”, pardon me. So true.
Wondering about “I’m sorry that’s how you feel”, I am feeling empathy that they are hurting and when I say that I don’t mean it as an apology for anything I did, just regret/feel bad/am sorry that they feel that way. Hmm..have to think about that one.

My journey with kicking “I’m Sorry” to the curb began over a year ago & it truly is astonishing to witness how often ‘we’ as a society apologize for ‘being’. I was thrilled to see this article as it holds so true and needs to brought to people’s attention. Emphatically apologizing for our existence is heard by our subconscious and invalidates our own being. BOOO! Kind, loving people will be seen for their hearts and generosity..not by the frequent utterances of apologies. The next one…”Thank You”..”No problem”..how about validating both parties by simply saying…”You’re welcome”.

I completely agree. When I first moved to the UK, all of a sudden I heard ‘I’m sorry’s everywhere and didn’t understand – what were people apologizing for?! Now I catch myself doing it all the time just as well. So I will try to stop … ;-)

Wowza! I’m learning so much and I’m re-inspired about letting go of “I’m sorry” from these comments! Thanks for reading, and for opening your heart to this idea!

That is one relevant post. We tend to over-use sorry a lot.
I hope to keep that in mind.
Inspiring writing!

I say ” I’m sorry” all the time. My fifteen year old daughter is always attempting to alter my behavior in this area!!! You have written a very valid post, I agree with your opinion. I can’t wait to show my daughter this. Thank you!!!

I, too, have tried to have people stop me when I say “I’m Sorry” out of appropriate context. It’s hard! I constantly apologize for everything; every perceived inconvenience to others. It loses its power when used so casually.

As for ethnocentrism (Kira’s comment), I disagree. While Heather may be speaking from her own background (be it American English or whatever), she in no way sets it above other variants. No apology needed!

This is a much needed article! I have noticed, especially in the workplace, that women say it all the time! Why do we do it? Arrgghhh.

Wow….so true. This is a great post. My boyfriend has pointed out to me that I say “I’m sorry” a lot. When he brought it up…I said “I’m sorry”! Can you believe that? No more!

I’ve been through the same exercise, Heather. It took a very wise, dear friend to look me in the eye and say, “why are you sorry?” to bring to light how many times I was saying it throughout the day. Just noticing how you really feel when you say it is enlightening. It’s been a process, but I now carefully select my sorry’s. I’ve found that no one misses them or thinks I’m less than for not apologizing for being a few minutes late or not returning an email right away……. the last thing they want is all the reasons why, they just want the response. Thanks for your insight. This was a great post!

Thank you for writing and sharing this! This was SO needed to be said! Just today I was told there was no reason for apologizing for something that was clearly a joke and not a hurtful one at all. I’ve even had to tell one friend to stop saying sorry because that seemed to be every other phrase she’d say.. and then she apologized for that. It’s weird that the people who need to say sorry the most, don’t, and those who do, say it way too much. I supposed we could just count the amounts of “I’m sorry”s we hear from a person to know how low their self-esteem is. I am sharing this and I hope it does a whole lot of good!

I definitely say this too often–It’s a convenient polite catch-all crutch. Still, I think sometimes nothing else will have the same connotation and could come off catty or sarcastic. Especially “excuse me” because it’s been so overused in popular culture in that snotty, “uh, excuuuse me” way.

Kira – I definitely agree with a lot of your thoughts. It’s clearly a regional thing–I’m from the Deep South and people are sorry here all the time, too. And I always catch myself saying “oh, sorry” when someone stops to let me through a doorway first–Great example!

Maybe whether we continue to use the words or not, we could all be mindful of the ways that we do use “I’m sorry” and make sure to clearly differentiate somehow when the intended meaning is deep-felt, sorrowful, and regretful.

Ahhhh…So many places this article went for me today. My students (8th grade) talked about how they, “gave in” and said I’m sorry because they didn’t want to be lectured about the adults in their lives, even when they didn’t mean it. They did it to avoid lectures and punishments and to smooth things over. Some talked about crafty ways they could sound like they were sorry without actually saying it while maintaining their truth. Fantastic conversation with 14 year olds today.

As for me, you’ve got me thinking about the lack of specificity in our language, the way we often don’t say what we mean. We soften, adjust, back away…how often and with who do we speak the full truth? How often do we say things we don’t mean out of obligation? Tomorrow’s post will be on that, a nice follow up to Monday’s piece on how “nice” is a dirty word. Thanks for the inspiration!

Thanks Heather for this post! It has me doing research on the psychological and emotional impacts of continuously saying “I”m sorry.” And while I agree that saying I’m sorry doesn’t always have to mean that we are degrading ourselves but rather just empathizing with the person we may be apologizing to, I also think that more formal phrases could be used in the place of “I’m sorry” just as Heather mentioned.

And Kira, while your arguments were intriguing I find it somehow ironic that you would end your argument so insensitively when the very thing you seemed to be arguing for was “a world where people attempt to be aware of their actions and the consequences they have.”

Haha, it sounds like this was written about Canadians, we definitely say sorry for EVERYTHING, and it does have a negative effect on me at least!

Nice writing, Heather. This resonates deeply with me, as I am focusing on having clarity to my speech. I have spoke with many conscious women lately doing the same – focus on the throat chakra & clarifying their voice. It strengthens our integrity. Something that has been forgotten in our culture by so many in the corrupt financial and political spheres.

I agree with Kira. I’m not sorry about it, either.

So you’re not sorry for someone’s loss when they lose a loved one? You’re not sorry for making that poor barista work extra hard to fulfill your order, redoing your mocha double frappacino with chai latte (I have no idea what kind of drink this is, I’m rambling) having to explain to the manager why there was a comp’ed drink, and making everyone else in the line wait longer, forcing the barista to work extra hard to get the line moving again?

Wow it seems Heather, you have no regrets or remorse for anything you do in life. Sorry is not so much a term that means, “I’m wrong,” as you claim in your post. It’s a word that has many meanings, even throughout the dictionary. Sorry could mean to have regrets. It’s also can be used interjectionally to show that you understand there is hardship, to show empathy.

Like many words in the English language, sorry has been transformed into a phrase that has a general meaning of, “I understand the circumstances are not ideal…” People appreciate apologies, or any form of acknowledgment. It does not have to be that exact word, for all anyone cares it could be ‘pardon’ or ‘excuse me’ but the idea is that people appreciate being cared about.

Maybe, to anyone reading this, not only check how many times you say ‘sorry,’ but also on the flip side see how many people say, “Don’t worry about it,” or “No problem.” It’s not so much that people actually think you’re sorry, but it’s the fact that you understand someone was there, put out of place, and there are some negative impacts.

I’m sorry Heather that you are so self absorbed in your own little word that you care little about anyone else. I really do pity you. Because there are people who are conscientious about their surroundings and try their very best to make the world a better place for everyone to live in, while there are people who ignore all the problems and let things lay the way they are.

I lean more towards what Kira said (except that I don’t think Heather meant it in any sexist way or seeing American language as superior). Maybe Canadians do apologise more, I don’t know, but I don’t think it causes most of us to feel crushed by constant guilt or shame. I will say that some people apologise incessantly for no reason, not matter how many times you tell them, “It’s okay! Don’t worry about it!” I can see how they would benefit from reading this article and being more conscious of how they use “I’m sorry.” I, too, would say “sorry” if I changed my order for the same reasons Kira listed. Or for stating my opinion if I felt that the other person would feel hurt by it – not because I’m saying “I’m wrong,” but out of consideration for their feelings — saying “I’m sorry you feel hurt.” However, if I’m having an actual discussion or fair debate with someone who also felt confident in their opinions, I wouldn’t apologize for mine. For me, saying “I’m sorry” is either about considering others’ feelings (a social lubricant, as someone mentioned), or about realising that I’ve acted or spoken in a way that didn’t feel totally aligned with authentic self and trying again.

Perhaps it would be useful to see if you can say, “I’m sorry” without having it followed by “but.” Own your apologies, whenever you do use them. And, as others have said, ask yourself: “What are you sorry for?”

Wow, this hit me hard. I’ve always had an addiction to apologizing for everything I do, to the point where teachers would nickname me “Sorry”. It was also the first word that I learned to abuse in German when I was a beginner.
Thanks for this article. I’m going to stop saying sorry until I actually need it.

Hi, I’m back! I just wanted to add, after reading the comments, that I did come off as a little angry and insensitive myself… Probably because I got over-emotional about the issue. I still think my points stand, but I do wish I’d stated them in a less abrasive way. It was totally uncalled for. Sorry!

I think that this is a classic case of taking literally an expression that is a basic rule of politeness, consideration and respect. I frequently use “excuse me” or “I’m sorry” when I’m about to do, say, or have done something that will put the other out, because it’s about manners, empathy and social cohesion. In no way at all do *I* feel belittled, disempowered or wotnot when I recognise that I’ve just pushed into someone, that changing my order will cause some extra work, that I’m about to encroach on someone’s space, mental and physical. It’s one thing to be busy and confident and entirely another to be a mannerless, self-centered, can do no wrong type.

I’m sorry, but this article doesn’t reflect the full human experience of living as an individual, in a community and in a culture. 100% agree with Kira.

I think my only problem with this is how certain people will interpret it. I know someone who has an “I’m sorry” complex. They have it because they’re a chronic liar, they frequently cheat others and lie, and it’s not until you threaten to walk away from them do they say, “I’m sorry”. I would worry that if someone like that read this, they would genuinely think it’s okay to behave in such a way… when it’s not.

In other circumstances, I 100% agree that it’s a good idea to toss this phrase out the window. On the other hand, I’m observing a lack of manners in recent years and it has to make me wonder – would this so-called “healthy attitude” instead bring about a sense of selfish, undeserved ‘entitlement’ that shouldn’t exist?

Just some food for thought.

I noticed myself using “I’m sorry” this week instead of saying “excuse me” and realized I do it all the time! Such a timely piece for me, thank you!

I find it intriguing that the comments following this blog have illustrated the loss of power this phrase “I’m sorry” really has. It appears that some of you have confused your right to have an opinion and disagree with someone as your right to judge and cut them down. Thus painting how we have become so oblivious to our random daily “I’m sorry’s” that we can’t see when an “I’m sorry” might actually be needed.

I don’t believe Heather meant in any way to imply that “I’m sorry” shouldn’t be used in necessary situations such as “the loss of a loved one,” but rather to say “pardon me” when you bump into someone rather than “I’m sorry.” There are so many other polite phrases we could use that would make more sense in context of our mistakes rather than “I’m sorry.” In no way, shape or form do I believe Heather’s intent was to imply an uncaring attitude towards others and I am extremely disappointed in several of you for these accusations towards her.

Additional reading some of you might find reading on the subject of “I’m sorry” http://thinksimplenow.com/happiness/the-power-of-language/

I love this post. I couldn’t agree more. I’m NOT sorry! :)

This is very interesting. I say “I’m sorry” for random things that happen naturally in life and have definitely noticed that right after I say it, I think, wait a minute, I’m not sorry!! I have been trying to replace it with “pardon me” but it’s hard! Takes some practice for sure. Thank you for this empowering message. Saying “I’m sorry” is something I want to feel genuine and whole hearted about so this is a great reminder to give respect to the meaning of this phrase. Thank you!

THANK YOU for writing this! It drives me crazy to hear women constantly say “I’m sorry,” and yes, it’s almost always women, especially young women. The backlash has been successful.

Amy, thank you for stating the obvious. How could anyone have read Heather’s article and thought she meant to not say you were sorry for the loss of a loved one? I *do* think saying “sorry” in the place of “pardon me” or “excuse me” is just a colloquialism and that there’s nothing wrong with it as the “social lubricant” already mentioned. However, those who have studied how our thoughts and words can affect our mental and physical states as well as how our words can affect others understand the point Heather was making, even if it was, perhaps, not articulated quite specifically enough.

I do agree with some of Kira’s points and LOVED that she ended her “didn’t mean to be so abrasive” apology with “SORRY!” Too funny!

Very thought provoking post. I often notice myself apologizing when I barely brush by someone knowing that I’ve caused no harm. I agree that the words I’m sorry should only be used when a real offense has been made. Otherwise, it takes the magic out of a true request for forgiveness.

Great post. Thanks for sharing this blog. Nice work.