When The Universe Plays Hard To Get
Jen Garam
I often think that the Universe needs a lot of help from me to move things along in the exact direction I would like them to go. And I comply by: doing, doing, worrying, stressing, obsessing, and then doing some more. This results in me being exhausted and frustrated without a lot to show for it, and what I like to call the, “I’m banging my head against a brick wall and it ^@$*^% hurts!” feeling.
After pushing very hard for a very long time with my business, I decided to use this past summer to take a step back. I had been too busy doing, to be mindful and deliberate about what direction I wanted my business and my writing to go in, so my goal was to do less, and see what clarity emerged from what I hoped would be (relative) stillness.
When I stopped adding endless items to my to-do list to keep myself busy and creating extra work for myself, and eased up on my tyrannical goals, little magical things started to happen, and there was movement where before there had only been that damn brick wall. Things didn’t unfold in the way I had anticipated, but I was pleasantly surprised by the unexpected ways they did. Many opportunities came to me once I stopped trying so hard, and one example is particularly relevant to this post…
Several months ago, a local writer told me that she had just been asked to write for this new blog called Hip Slope Mama, so I checked it out and thought, “I would like to write for this blog.” A few weeks later I saw a stack of Hip Slope Mama business cards in a Park Slope coffee shop so I threw one in my bag, and then forgot it was there and carried it around at the bottom of my bag for months. In June, my friend Hilary McHone mentioned that she had guest blogged for Hip Slope Mama and I thought again, “That is something I would like to do.”
A month later in mid-July, I checked my email and was surprised to find a message from Hip Slope Mama herself, who was responding to an old Craig’s List post about my writing classes for women. I was like: “I totally want to write for your site!” And so it unfolded, because I was holding an intention that this was something I would enjoy doing, without pushing to make it happen or being attached to the outcome.
Similarly, with dating, I wanted to do everything in my power to make it happen. These days it seems like online dating is the only form of dating there is, as everyone is too busy to meet someone in real-life circumstances, and too hurried to be relaxed and receptive enough to allow that. However, I quickly got frustrated and disappointed with online dating, and felt like I was just no good at it. When eHarmony promised to match me with men on “29 points of compatibility” and my inbox was flooded daily with men with whom I sensed zero compatibility, I wanted to take a very long nap. I pushed myself to keep trying, keep doing, and stay positive, but I kept coming up against that brick wall and getting a headache.
Until one morning, I woke up to the relieving realization that I have no idea how I’m going to meet Him. I don’t have to be the Best Online Dater of All-Time and make a relationship happen, and meeting someone is not entirely dependent upon my efforts, like, if I go on x (eHarmony dates) then my y (probability of meeting The One) will increase by z%. I can meet my one-day husband or at least boyfriend-with-long-term-potential through online dating, or in countless other ways, in the most random of places, at the most unexpected of times. To realize that there is a certain amount of surrender necessary, with a dash of trust and a twist of faith, took immense pressure off me.
I think that, in this way, the Universe plays hard to get. When you are coming at Life flailing about with all your action and activity and working hard to make it happen, what you want stays frustratingly out of reach, on the other side of that brick wall, which, who knows, you may actually be holding up with all your frantic efforts. When you take a step back, take a breath, and create some space, the Universe takes a step toward you to fill that space. You just have to stop racing around, be still, and let go enough to allow the wall between you and your goals and wishes to come tumbling down. You have to surrender and say to the Universe, “I have no idea how this is going to happen so I am going to stop chasing after You. It’s your move.”
Jennifer Garam is a Brooklyn-based writer whose writing has appeared on Health.com, The Huffington Post, DivineCaroline.com, the blog “Hip Slope Mama,” and in Interview magazine, and a yogini who has been practicing yoga for the past 11 years. As the founder of WRITEOUS CHICKS, she has created and taught writing workshops for women with an emphasis on personal growth, self-care, and having fun, and writes the blog “One Writeous Chick.”
Originally posted on Hip Slope Mama
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9 Comments
Great post Jen! Congratulations on all your success. For me, I don’t think of it as the universe playing hard to get (the universe is always conspiring in my favor), I think of it as giving the universe room to work. As my friend says, you can’t micro-manage the universe! Recently I realized I have the most success when I spend minimal time setting an intention in my mind. Like the infomercial, “Set it & Forget it.”
I love your post Jen!
You are so right, the universe has its own way and we all need to step back at times and let things happen. Sometimes, when we try too hard we are too busy to even notice the opportunities in front of our eyes. Thank you the reminder!
love this! yup, Universe says: :” Game On”, and we need to say, ok, i’m, let’s play. :-) sometimes too hard for my liking, but still in the Game. :-) great post – thanx!
wow, Jen is so right. I FEEL LIKE THIS NOW! And I am helping the Universe a little too much – I’m its needy girlfriend. Thanks for helping me to know that things are in the works for all of us! And they’ll appear when they are ready.
You are so right. I had to step back and pull in a bit. I had over nourished everyone and thing in my life except for me and my goals. Funny how life opens like a flower when you take time to breath and reboot. I think so many of us fight so hard for the things in life we want to suceed in that if we would learn to relax and do what we love then the doors will open it shouldn’t be like climbing a mountain. It will take hard work. But jezz not killing yourself. Thanks for sharing. Callie
Jen, this post is so dead-on! It sounds so simple when someone else explains it yet so hard to let the Universe take care of all the little things we obsess over and try to control..
Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling….”These days it seems like online dating is the only form of dating there is”. Earlier this year I decided I wasn’t going to MAKE myself do things I didn’t enjoy anymore, including online dating. I’m learning to trust that having the intention combined with participating in life in ways I enjoy will be enough. I’m learning to RELAX. What a change! It feels really good.
A nice narratives here, but I am disappointed a little bit by the defeatist attitude that emanates. My recommendation is to get the heck away from eHarmony because it has jaded your powers of perception. Buy yourself a femenine toy and join a different online dating site, not one with a billion dollar advertising budget. Peace
What a great post. That last line pretty much sums it up. I am the same, too much doing, trying to make things happen- in my case my healing. Rather ironically I think I’d do much better if I’d surrender and relax. But wow, it’s not easy, I must say. Worry is a hard one for me to let go of.
January 21, 2010