By Kristen Suzanne on August 3, 2010

The Final Stretch of My Magical Pregnancy

Update! Congratulations to Kristen Suzanne and her newly expanded family. Crazy Sexy Life welcomes baby Kamea into the world! Here are Kristen’s reflections during the last month of her pregnancy…

I’m full-term in my pregnancy now, so I can go into labor anytime over the next 2-3 weeks. Talk about exciting! The past month was spent preparing by doing things like interviewing pediatricians; setting up our home for a homebirth; touring the hospital where I could end up in the event of an emergency transfer; getting our car seat installed; washing my baby’s clothes and cloth diapers (we’ll be practicing EC – elimination communication – but we’ll still need some diapers as we do this); resting; rereading and printing out my birth plan for my midwife, doula, mom and mom-in-law… among other things.

This pregnancy has been magical… I wonder often, as the days count down, “Precious baby, will you be born under the warm sun or under the glowing moon? Will you be born in the water or our bed? And, the big mystery that surrounds us all… are you a boy or a girl?”

All my life, I’ve been the type of person who “wants to know.” As a girl, growing up, I always wanted to know what my birthday and holiday gifts were, days in advance. What patience has maturity brought? NONE—now I want to know months in advance! My husband takes pity on me, gives me my birthday present a month early, and then takes pity on me again by giving me something else on the actual day, insisting that every girl should get to open a present on her birthday.

My impatience goes both ways. When I give gifts to family or friends, I want them to know what it is, and I invariably make them open it early. I’ve never been patient to know the answer. Ever.

But something is different about this baby. When it comes to knowing its sex, there has been something magical about not knowing. One of the biggest gifts I’ll ever receive is finding out on the day of the birth. The cute thing is that every time someone asks me the sex of the baby and I tell them that I don’t know, the response is always the same: “Oh, how cool! No one ever does that anymore!” It’s really odd in a way, because everyone’s eyes light up when they hear that I don’t know. The response has been excitement across the board – yet almost no one else does it. Strange, that such an appealing idea is rarely considered an option anymore.

Or perhaps not so strange, in a day of such routine ultrasounds, which provide, after a certain point in baby’s development, more looky-loo photo ops for giddily curious parents than actionable medical diagnoses. You want giddy? Not knowing is the mother of all giddies.

Originally, our decision to forego ultrasounds after 13 weeks had nothing to do with keeping the sex a surprise. It was due to our desire, especially after one miscarriage, to avoid anything even remotely invasive whenever possible. Not knowing the sex emerged somewhat as a byproduct of this medical decision, and ended up becoming an unexpected source of constant, wide-eyed speculation and daily imaginings of possible futures.

Not knowing does funny things. We find ourselves imagining alternate futures. On some nights, I dream that baby is a boy; on other nights, a girl. My husband finds himself daydreaming about the distant future. Years from now, will he have a teenage daughter or a teenage son? Our minds try to guess about possible personalities, imagine scenarios like teaching him or her to drive a car, going on a first date, or seeing them off to college – without knowing the sex! The unknown stops the fictive dream abruptly, jumping back and forth between the boy version and the girl version, like alternate realities that haven’t been cast in stone yet… except that they have; we just don’t know which one it is.

Every day, multiple times a day, I place my hands on my belly and feel my baby moving throughout the day. He or she is definitely an energetic baby—our little back-flipping ninja—perhaps from all of the nutrient-rich, raw, vegan foods I eat. It’s an exquisite sensation, and it’s during these moments that I have finally learned what it means to be truly present. My baby draws me into his/her inner world, and I can’t help but tune out everything else going on around me and join my baby in what feels like his or her special form of thoughtful, deliberate communication. Yes, deliberate. It may sound crazy, but it feels like baby is actually trying to say something between all its thumping, stretching, and occasional ninja back-flipping.

I’ve enjoyed a super healthy organic vegan diet throughout my pregnancy, which included plenty of raw food. My choice of exercise has been walking, and I weigh 160 pounds as I round out 38 weeks (we estimate that I’ve gained 30-35 pounds). I look at my body in the mirror, and I’m proud of my growing belly and the healthy weight I have gained, even if there are brief moments when I don’t recognize myself or when I feel my thighs rubbing as I walk (ha!). But then I remember, and tell myself frequently, that my body is concerned at present with making a little person, and it needs supplies. I consider my booty a convenient storage place for baby ingredients.

And, courtesy of the raw vegan diet and my love of walking, I also know… the weight gain is not permanent. I miss rigorous exercise and really can’t wait to get back to it – all in good time. Being pregnant has been a gift and a joy. I’m eager to give birth, and ready whenever baby is.

Photo Credit: _Nezemnaya_

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