Spiritual Intimacy
By Cora Poage
“I just don’t know if Ben is spiritual enough for me.” I found myself saying this to a fellow Spiritual Psychology student last weekend regarding my partner of 8 years.
“Or maybe he doesn’t go as deep in conversations or something. I just don’t feel like I am completely heard or seen by him. I don’t think we have much spiritual intimacy. It’s almost like we speak different languages about this stuff.”
“Hmmm…” my wise counselor responded. “Do you think you have EVER felt this kind of spiritual intimacy with Ben?”
I closed my eyes, blinked back tears, and remembered the first summer we met: It was the Exploration Summer Program, Boston, 2002. I saw him from across the room at the Staff Orientation. Our first conversation felt like magic; the flow to our communication, so organic, even Divine. “Who is this angel in a (hot) male’s body?” I wondered.
His blue eyes danced with spirit, his laugh, deep with connection to Source, and his very Being personified faith. It felt simple then to surrender to his love, our love. We were so innocent. Spiritual intimacy was natural. The term “soul mates” even comes to mind. We were best friends in a breath, partners in a heart beat…in love with each other for life.
“Yes, yes,” I said. “Absolutely, I have felt this kind of intimacy with Ben.”
“Would you like to tell me more about what has happened since that first summer?” she asks.
Our Story flashes through my head, my heart. What has lead us to where we are now?
My own Irrational Beliefs around marriage and men come to the surface in a torrent of emotion. I hear them: “All marriages end in divorce. It is only a matter of time before someone is unfaithful. Husbands try to tie their wives down. I have to have four kids and cook like Martha Stewart to be loved. He says he supports my dreams, but I don’t believe it.”
Deep Breath. Are any of these really true for Us? No. Not at all; although I don’t think Ben would mind a pot roast dinner once in awhile. Hell, neither would I!
Deep Breath. Self Forgiveness: I forgive myself for buying into the misunderstanding that all marriages end in divorce. I forgive myself for assuming that because my parents got divorced a couple times, I will, too. I forgive myself for judging Ben as a chauvinistic tyrant. (Couldn’t be farther from the truth!)
I look up in my counselor’s face and I see love, support, light. “This is helpful. I feel more open to my marriage. But what about this whole spiritual intimacy thing?”
I close my eyes again, and I hear him. Who? ECKHART TOLLE… I didn’t even know I had this quote memorized!
“Outflow determines inflow. You can’t receive what you don’t GIVE. What you think the world is withholding from you, you already have.”
The tears flowed, with gusto this time. I pictured Ben’s beautiful face and I realized the Truth. My irrational belief that Ben wasn’t “spiritual enough” came from my own FEAR of intimacy. WHOA!
My fear is that if I open up from my deepest Authentic Self, from my place of Divine Love inside he will leave, get scared, or abandon me. Suddenly, I feel a strange mix of both empowerment and deep annoyance. “You mean this is up to me? I have to take action?”
And a new voice from within: “Yes, honey. This is up to you. You built the walls. Now you get to knock them down.”
Deep Breath.
Deep Breath.
Deep Breath.
“If you let yourself be truly seen, then you can be truly loved.” -Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK)
I dedicate my Blog Post to you, Ben. My lover, my teacher, my partner in life, and my very best friend. I vow to break down the walls, brick by brick, as I open up to you more and more, as I “let myself be truly seen.” Forgive me for these irrational beliefs that I have held around you and marriage up until now. I am releasing them; they do not serve me. I am open to a spiritual intimacy with you and I am enthusiastically and lovingly holding a safe space for you to open up to me as well.
In closing: When Ben and I were engaged, I shared a story with him about a woman who had been divorced once. When her boyfriend requested her hand in marriage, she said she really had to think about it. She was delving into an amazing career and was really focused on self-care, her son, and her own dreams. She asked for two weeks to go up to her family’s cabin and deliberate.
After only one week, there was a knock on the cabin door. There was her boyfriend with a box in his hand. “I know I was supposed to let you be alone for two weeks, but I wanted to bring this to you.” She opened up the box, and inside there was a rock and a feather. “I’m the rock, and you are the feather,” he said, “Go pursue your dreams, your independent goals. I am here for you. I can be your home base.” She decided to marry him.
I shared this story with Ben. I said, “Can’t you relate? Don’t you think I’m the feather, and you’re the rock?”
He smiled at me, took my hand, and said, “You are my rock AND my feather.”
I am choosing Love. I am choosing Faith. I am choosing to believe in that highest good of all.
And Ben, you are my rock AND my feather.
Cora Poage lives in New York City with her incredible husband Ben (her “other” soulmate) and her two crazy kitties. She is the owner of Super Woman Health, a company offering wellness coaching for learning to eat, exercise, and live intuitively.
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27 Comments
Great post, Cora! I love the story at the end :)
This is a wonderful post. It’s shockingly relevant to the things I’ve been going through the past few days, and perhaps no accident that I decided to check in at CSL today.
Thank you!
I love this post! You put a smile on my face! :)
Thank you for this! I love the insight and the honesty. Thankful that you are a “Super Special Guest” today :)
Thank you so much everyone! Have beautiful days full of spiritual intimacy! Love and light…
Wow, Cora! Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your spiritual journey and for being so authentic in your writing. What an amazing gift you share.
Love it!! What self reflection and embrace!! So touching!
Cora-
Each and everytime I read this story I love it a little more. :)
I’ve gone through similar experiences with my husband. Each time I’ve thought something was off with him, I realized he was really only mirroring my inner thoughts. Much easier to point the finger then look at ourselves. But just as you share in your post, amazing growth and true evolution comes from owning up to our stuff, and as you so eloquently put it, breaking down our walls! Thank you Cora for shinning a light on what can be a challenge for many!
Thanks for this, Cora. I’ve also been struggling with this exact inner struggle concerning my partner. What a pertinent quote from Tolle!
This is a really lovely story. Thanks for sharing.
What a fantastic post. Inspirational as I am struggling from a fearful position to choose love and just admitting it is a large step. Thank you and I wish much happiness in your years ahead!
I wonder what it was like when the word marriage didn’t exist. Somehow I am sure it was created by men for men. Drop both words (marriage & divorce) from your relationship with Ben and all that would exist is LOVE. My dear special friend you are a shining light, much love and respect to you, Nick
Cora, This is amazing! Thank you for being so open, for choosing love and for sharing your soul to inspire and encourage others. Love to you!
I adore your honest posts!
Cora is refreshingly authentic; she sets the issues deeply and refreshes one’s insight – male or female! Thank you so much for this posting, would love to see more!Michael
Love it Cora! Deep and inspirational as always! It is always so amazing and refreshing to make these small yet huge self-discoveries. Thank you for sharing!
I love your post. There is a line in Avatar….corny, I know. But, it’s “I see you.” And, as they explain in their world, it’s a very deep meaning. That’s what your post reminds me of. And, it rang true because I have been wondering why my boyfriend doesn’t “see” me. I realize it’s because I don’t really let him….not fully. Thanks!
I don’t understand the symbolism of the rock and feather, can you clarify?
I love the imagery. I love the sensitivity. As a romantic, I love the love. Please share more of Cora!
Gary
Your willingness to share from such an honest place is so beautiful and motivating. Love and Light!
Hey! Thanks for this honest post. Its can be much easier to notice or irrational or indoctrinated beliefs about ourselves and not in our relationships…This made me reflect on my own relationship and recognize the scripts are use to make me avoid having an extraordinary marriage by saying stuff, “My marriage can’t be this great, its not normal” or “People don’t stay married for long”, etc. I think this post was a nod to paying more attention when I’m not being a conciously intentional lover and friend.
@sexy lingerie The ideal of rock and feather I’m assuming is similar to being winged and rooted.. ex, someone has the ability to be disciplined, but to still experience joy and spontaneity…in a relationship i think it looks like: Things are pretty steady,but there still is a good amount of excitement… It is the ability to not be dualistic and still be grounded in some core values!
peace and blessings to you!!!
Thank everyone! What beautiful comments!
@sexylingerie…thank you for the question. Yes, @Mozart described it beautifully! That is my interpretation too.
Does that help?
Cora, what a great story! I had a hard time picturing Ben at the beginning, but by the end I was visualizing your relationship and seeing how great (and cute) the two of you are together. We are so blessed to have you as a part of our family and I am happy you decided that marrying my brother was a good idea!
Wow, Cora. Your voice comes through so strongly in this piece – and it’s a voice of wisdom, maturity, and self-reflection. How wonderful that you were able to go so into these feelings so intimately, take all those deep breaths…and move into a new place of understanding about your closest of relationships, and the beauty that lies there for you if you are open to accepting it.
I had similar thoughts about a past love of mine, that he wasn’t spiritual, or “deep” enough. And it wasn’t until he was forced to examine the core of who he was when faced with cancer at an early age, that I realized that his soul had infinite depths. He didn’t need to express his spirituality in quite the same way as I did – on a daily basis with conversations – but when push came to shove, and he faced that greatest of challenges (his own death) he was more present and aware and yes, “spiritual”, than I could ever have expected. We all have it in us – that deep and yearning soul, that is striving to make the best of this lifetime, and live a spiritual existence in this material body.
congrats on your blog and for the deep insight!
Great post! Makes ya stop and think…twice! I am excavating today…tearing down the walls! Thank you, Cora, for sharing a beautiful story and simple but often hidden lesson. ;-)
March 23, 2010