Do More Things Badly
My inner perfectionist flipped out when I first heard this recommendation from one of my mentors, Rebecca Latimer, who wrote a book called You’re Not Old Until You’re Ninety: Best To Be Prepared, However.
Rebecca said to me: “Oh SARK, when you speak to groups of people, would you please let them know that if they meditate and do it badly, it still works? And that goes for everything else, too. My best recommendation is to do more things badly.”
I knew from experience that my perfectionist ways were inhibiting my joy, so I took her recommendation to heart and began the conscious practice of doing more things badly or imperfectly, relieving myself of my former standards. I discovered that the more I did “badly,” the happier I felt.
I found that my inner perfectionist was exhausted by me and my ideas about how to do things. I’d learned very well from my perfectionist Mother how to do things “the right way,” meaning—basically—HER way, which took me years to figure out.
So that’s when I began doing things like eating a chocolate cake with no silverware, lying down in line at the bank, singing Amazing Grace at the Department of Motor Vehicles, doing a TV interview with the back of my hair soaked in coconut oil from a massage the night before and singing Karaoke—without alcohol! I also experimented with smaller, more mundane things too.
I have since learned that not only is it fun to do things badly, it is a real relief to give up so many of the “rules” I had grown up with and then imposed on myself. I have also learned that I’m a pretty high achiever, and in some cases an overachiever, so on a one-to-ten scale, dialing down from a ten to a five or six is barely noticeable to anyone else!
Still, it was noticeable to me, so I engaged in some practices to support my new freedom.
1. I give myself primary permission to do some things badly, imperfectly, or just differently.
I do this by experimenting, practicing, and noticing the results. For example, I’m usually very quick to do favors for people or fulfill requests. My younger brother had asked me to find out some information for him prior to his wedding, and I simply didn’t do it. When he asked for the information, I confessed that I didn’t have it and hadn’t done it. He was shocked and annoyed with me. I apologized, but I didn’t feel guilty. We processed what had happened and both realized that I was ALWAYS reliable, so rarely faltering that I’d given myself no room at all to just be human. It was really fun to watch him be the responsible one getting things done for his wedding, and I got to experience the role of someone who hadn’t followed through. I am now really learning to consciously give myself that primary permission that I’d always automatically given to other people.
2. I ignore or choose not to notice what others think.
I used to get so scared or worried if someone felt disappointed, annoyed or irritated with me about something I had or hadn’t done. I had been a people pleaser who relied on being filled up from outside sources in order to feel good. Now, through self-love and self-care, I fill myself up first and allow others to experience and take responsibility for their own emotions. I don’t focus on other people’s reactions much at all anymore, and it is such a great relief. I also practice ignoring people when I do unusual things, or I invite them to join in. I got the whole room to sing Amazing Grace with me at the DMV. Several people sat or layed down with me in the bank line, and it was no problem at all to find people to eat cake with me sans silverware!
3. I consistently practice self-love and exquisite self-care.
I practice living as a “full cup of self-love,” ready to share the overflow with the world. I used to live like a half-empty cup, looking for people or substances to fill me. Now that I’ve learned how to care for myself exquisitely, I can respond to the world, instead of reacting. In response, there is a choice, in reaction, there is very little choice. Now I intentionally choose the subject of, and reason for, my response. When I feel less than self-loving or caring, which is often every day, I engage in specific practices and processes to re-center myself. I am then able to extend so much more love to the world.
And of course, in all of the above, I also fail, falter, stumble, flail, flounder and do a lot of things badly—sometimes very badly. I’ve discovered that being truly self-loving is a long term relationship with myself that contains EVERYthing, as every relationship does. The point is not to love myself all the time. The point is to practice loving myself as consistently as I am able, in all sorts of conditions. This means practicing loving the fat, forgetful, resistant parts too. And when I turn away from myself in aversion, I bring myself back as lovingly as I am able. And perhaps an even greater challenge is to love the successful, brilliant and soaring parts of myself; I am sometimes more afraid of my joy than my pain. Pain seems easier to relate to, and joy can feel lonely.
My early abuse experiences taught me that pain lasts, and joy is unreliable. I have since learned to believe more in the opposite: joy is everlasting, and pain cannot always be trusted. And in between those two extremes lie the glorious middle spaces where most of my growth takes place. My explorations in doing more things badly have shown me that there is a lot of joy in the mess and chaos of living as a “splendidly imperfect” human being.
- Posted by Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy on March 5, 2010 at 3:00 am
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Tagged as: imperfect, joy, perfectionist, Self care, self-love
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Wow, what a post! Just what I needed to hear.
Thank you so much for this.
I love everything you write but this article is particularly timely for me. I just hit a milestone (40!) and have decided my high-strung, perfectionist ways have just got to go. Like you, I learned that it was mom’s way or it was wrong (bad). Thank you so much for all that you do, for this article today and for introducing me to “You’re Not Old Until You’re Ninety: Best To Be Prepared, However”, which I will be picking up TODAY.
Great post, so fun! Thanks for the reminder, just what this type A needed to hear!
Love the post and LOVE the picture!! You look so cute! I am also going to run out and buy that book this weekend!
AMEN sister, amen
thanks for reminding me that I am a mere mortal!
deb
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What an inspiring post! Please do share what these new things are that you practice everyday for your “self-love” and “self-care”… would love to hear it!
so true! I really needed this message today.
I love your post! I recently purchased Juicy Pens, Thirsty Paper and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! I decided only last week that I need to “lighten up” a little (or a lot). I’m finding that it is more challenging than I thought it would be but I am committed to trying. I think this post is the encouragement I need to allow myself permission to let go! Thank you.
Brilliant. Thank you!
I love forgetting to perfect and have enjoyed rolling down a big hill in a crowded park too. This is a good reminder to bring those experiences into every day– I think they do help you love yourself more and live a more joyful life. Thanks!
I totally love you! I just really do!
full cup of self love… amazing..
I think that you might have just given me the courage to write again. I now know I am allowed to do it badly.
Thank you so much. xxx
Thanks!! Needed that!
LOVE your post! THANKS so much.
From a perfectionist
A wise woman taught me years ago to start aiming for 75%. (which my 14-year old thought was totally ridiculous when he heard that recently.) We’re always telling our kids to give it 110%. . .and after spending a lifetime of doing that myself I finally had to pay someone big money to give me permission to give that nasty habit up. Thanks for the reminder.
What an idea … do something wrong on purpose? I always thought, I’ll try and do it right, but if it’s wrong, I’ll work on being OK with that. I don’t know… Maybe I’ll give it a try
Elodie
Slim Girl Diary
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Now, that’s the way we like it! Do it for the joy of it…and let go of the Perfect Patty/Penelope/Peggy/Penny, etc! Maybe that’s what truly being authentic is — just doing things for the joy of it! Love it!
Oh, yes.
A perfectionistic housemate of mine was told by her first boss (it took her forever to finish her PhD at MIT because it had to be perfect, of course). The boss said: “D., sometimes excellent is good enough”.
I keep this always in mind.
I especially like getting others to sing along. I belted out “God Save the Queen” at my citizenship ceremony (UK) because I love singing. And my fellow citizens joined in by the end of the first verse. It was a blast.
This was an incredible post and a great reminder for me personally right now… I’ve been worrying a lot lately and losing sleep over how my boss will react when I drop the bombshell that I’ll be giving my notice to go back to school at a pretty inopportune time for my workplace… But as you reminded me gently here, I have to put myself and what’s good for me and my family before the needs of others. THANK YOU!
I keep learning the lesson of letting go which means to me being open to the entire experience – the ugly, the bad and the good. When did I start to not trust that all parts of me were worthy and good? I am enjoying relearning. Love all the insights and encouragement to live freely and live large!
I think the hard thing to do is to follow through. I tell my children all the time, that they can be and do anything they wish and that its OK to be yourself. Yet I find it hard to follow my own advise.
I worry SO MUCH about what people think about me!!
“I got the whole room to sing Amazing Grace with me at the DMV. Several people sat or layed down with me in the bank line, and it was no problem at all to find people to eat cake with me sans silverware!” This was awesome!!
I would also have to add to this list, for me… stop protecting people from me. Sounds odd, but I do it and have been told that I do it.
Great post.
How cool! I applaud you on your journey & rejoice in the things I have (& will continue to) learn from you.
you are exquisite!
Brilliant post – When I hit 50 it finally hit me, was I living my life or someone elses.
Your poweful words remind me to stay my course.
You rock girl!
Oh, my goodness! Are you sure you’re not me? We seem to have had the same mother and very similar experiences. Your insights in this post are absolutely brilliant! During my years in therapy, my therapist once said, “If it’s worth doing at all, it’s worth doing badly.” I love the image of filling your cup of self-love. It’s the only way the overflow will reach other people. And I also love your honest recognition that just because you decide to do that, doesn’t mean you’ll get it “right” all the time. Your words are so real! Just the perfect reminder for me right now. ESPECIALLY not caring what other people think! Thank you so much.