Wiener Roast
Last summer my meat-eating friends suddenly stopped inviting me to their barbecues. I wondered what the heck I had done wrong, and felt like an outcast. I had always brought tofu-dogs and veggie-burgers, and enough buns for everyone.
I had some really conflicting feelings about it. I was sad to be intentionally excluded from this rite of male bonding. Standing over red-hot coals and pressing those handsome grill lines onto my zucchini slices and portobello heads clearly wasn’t cutting it. No matter how thick I slathered Annie’s BBQ Sauce onto the seitan kabob, or how perfectly sweet the grilled corn came out, something was off, and they sensed it.
Truth be told, I didn’t love having to watch the limbs and parts of animals who I am fighting to have validated burn and sizzle, and then be devoured so carelessly. And now, I no longer had to worry about showing up with enough food for everyone so I could prove again and again that vegans don’t starve at a cookout, and that there are plenty of delicious options – from Field Roast and Tofurkey sausages to black bean burgers and every ripe veggie you can think of. We’ve even got good marshmallows for toasting that have zero boiled hooves in them. I would no longer have to ask for a corner of the grill to be kept clear of animal’s body parts, and I wouldn’t have to deal with the constant proclamations from these guys that they “love their meat” as they pound beers and laugh about that weeks travails.
In the days that people were hunter-gatherers, dudes would go out hunting together (some still do, but the relationships to the land and animals are quite different!). This defined the majority of a man’s identity. Thousands of years later, guys are still playing out part of this ritual, typically without having actually killed anything themselves. Our ‘hunting’ victory now depends on an obscure industrial farming system whose activities are shrouded behind the illusions of cows, chickens, and pigs in paradise, summoned by expensive advertising agencies, as opposed to spears and arrows. Our desire for primitive masculinity; being a real man, is convoluted, to say the least.
Meat-eating has always been associated with manliness in our culture. Traditionally, the predatory nature of hunting required physical strength, stamina, tool-making, and often hours to days of tracking herds. Then there was the kill; the bloody and exhausting act of taking down large animals, cutting them up and bringing them home. Many anthropologists and primatologists now argue that meat was a pivotal way to exert social control in the form of currency due to its desirability – especially to pregnant women who needed concentrated, high-protein food sources. The emphasis of the hunt was not so much about the killing of the animal per se, but in the selective and political doling out of the meat as currency. Meat is power.* While women may have collected most gatherer-hunter protein sources, we should not ignore the fact that men were able to use meat for their own selfish and manipulative political ends. It’s no surprise then, that thousands of years later, most men still identify with this nearly-universal symbol of masculine social and political power, though they rarely grasp why.
Soon enough I realized that this exclusion was more about what I hadn’t done. Though I kept my mouth shut about animal rights, my very presence was a threat to their masculinity – an unspoken reminder that shattered the tasty sacrament of boding over the ‘kill’. I failed to support their illusions about where meat comes from simply by bringing tofu-dogs, and that’s just no fun for them.
I doubt they’d be able to articulate this to me, or if they’d even agree with this after reading it – but I feel strongly that mainstream masculinity is major obstacle in moving towards sustainability.
This summer, I plan to have a few barbecues. They’ll be vegan, they’ll be delicious, and I’m OK with being a man that isn’t defined by such a stifling and archaic identity. Now, pass the ketchup!
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- Posted by Joshua on May 7, 2009 at 8:51 am
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Tagged as: compassion, diet, Plant-based Diet, relationships, socializing
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I am forever amused when people ask me if I go out- just because I don’t drink. I have come to realize that any exclusion because of my own lifestyle or eating habits has nothing to do with my own lifestyle or eating habits but more to do with how people feel about their own.
This is an AWESOME post! I love it!!!! Great job! This shows your friends that you are OK with who you are, comfortable within yourself, and feel no need to prove that to anyone. GO YOU!!!
Great post! Thanks for sharing and can really see the male perspective. Cheers
Casey
Brute, you are perfect just as you are. I’d grill veggie burgers with you any day!
Great post! My husband and his brother both just became vegetarians in the past couple of months. They are football watching tough guys and I just love that they don’t care about what other men think of them now. Rock on!
Gee, don’t be such a downer! If you talked like this all the time, I wouldn’t invite you to my (vegan) BBQs either! Leave the politics out, be a nice guy, and you’ll get a LOT of invitations
I’ve experienced this recently. I don’t drink a lot and my friends have stopped inviting me to go out or even hang out at their house. When I asked about it, my friend responded with, “well, you don’t drink” and I promptly responded, “I still go out, thank you very much” and it’s gotten better, but they still pressure me to drink and such. It’s more about them than it is about me, though. They feel judged because I don’t want to drink! I don’t care what they do, just what I do.
Also, Jane, he is leaving the politics out of it. Asking for a corner of the grill is totally acceptable. He was commenting on the unspoken feelings that his friends have. This isn’t him preaching veganism, it’s them reading into it.
Thank you so much for this post. I definitely think there are barriers for men when it comes to being vegetarian/vegan because of the ‘manly’ expectations that exist. My partner is a vegetarian and I am going to recommend that he reads this so he knows that there are other fabulous, animal-loving guys out there who are caring and compassionate and who stick to their beliefs!
Guys who are themselves regardless are the most attractive and easy to get to know. I wish more men would feel this way.
you hit the nail on the head with this one! It’s sad that for some reason vegetarians/vegans are excluded from gatherings where meat eaters will be present(which happens to to everwhere, I don’t know how we all get along lol). In their minds we are just to diffrent and can’t relate to them, our alternitive lifestyle is to much for them to handle I suppose. Hey you Meat Eater… Get over it!
My husband is a manly meat eating man, and funny enough he is and was the most supportive person in my transition into vegetarianism. It’s actually the females in my life that still give me a hard time about not eating meat. Although they will never admit it, I believe like you do, that the resistance isn’t about us, it’s about them. Maybe it’s because somewhere deep down they feel bad about what they are eating.
I am genuinely, forehead-creasedly baffled by this. Maybe it’s just a statement about who my friends are, but none of mine would ever ostracize a vegetarian or vegan at a barbecue.
Then again, about half my posse is vegetarian, so the party would kind of bite the big one without them.
Hallelujah to that! That has inspired me to throw my own Vegan bbq, I’ll supply all the goods and then I can still enjoy some summertime grilling without the guilt I have felt that has led me to avoid the summer bbqs altogether
Why are people so against the politics? If we feel what are doing by not eating animal products we should want to help others do the same right? And one way of doing that is getting political and challenging the norms. Nothing will change if you just stand there with your mouth shut, not standing up for yourself and your values.
On a much lighter note… I wish I had enough vegan friends to have a bbq!
Thanks for all the feedback and support everyone!
It’s great to hear some of you have been inspired to do veggie BBQs of your own! Am I invited?
One of the things I noticed was that simply my presence was politicized, without even having to say anything at all. Showing up with Tofurkey Grillers sort of IS a political statement. Regardless, I’ll still be having a fun, yummy summer – minus the meat-heads.
I found your post interesting and it left me with conflicting feelings. Your sentence or two about farms bothered me. I originally come from a small farm community who treat their animals ethically, the cows graze in the pastures and are milked twice a day. Yes, they are butchered and sold to make hamburgers and other meat products. The guys hunt and fish and enjoy developing the skills it takes to do both and spending time together outside. Your categorization of farming is a stereotype that hurts small farmers. Do you object to the killing of animals for food or to the inhumane treatment of these animals? Both? Is one better than the other? Or do you simply enjoy the way you feel by not eating these animals? A combination of all the above?
That said, I respect and admire your decision to be vegan and agree that being left out of barbecues based on your food choices and not on any other reason is wrong.
Any “alternative” approach to diet seems to create anxiety for others…. I notice it a lot with the way I feed my children: mostly vegan, delaying introduction of many foods for health reasons. Other mothers ask questions and challenge my approach at times…. I think deep down they worry they aren’t giving enough thought to how they feed their kids, even though what they say is the usual: “Well, we grew up on homo milk and preservatives and turned out fine” or “breastfeeding is fine until he can ask for milk with his cookies, ha ha”. But mothers who are confident in their own approach are very supportive, even if that approach differs from mine. I don’t think you can keep politics completely out of relationships if you are going to share time with people and be open about your choices.
Right on. I am a sociologist who studies gender and food, and meat/BBQ/etc is absolutely linked with masculinity. We talk a lot about how men shore up their masculinity via social practices such as grilling and BBQ. A huge area of study is devoted to the “pit” as the realm of men. I applaud your efforts to unveil this social phenomenon!
@Cyn: What bothered you about my sentences on farms? The majority of animal products do come from these massive ‘factory farms’ and the advertisers certainly aren’t honest about the conditions or the treatment of the animals. Most food advertising/logos/labeling depicts happy animals in bucolic settings – which is simply greenwashing and dishonest.
Of course there are small farms that still treat them animals better. For me, it’s a simple choice. I don’t NEED animal products to thrive or enjoy food. I can make a powerful and simple choice to not participate in the exploitation of animals, so I do. It’s really empowering when you think about it like that. You can make a profound difference right this very moment as you read this.
So to answer your question more directly: yes, I object to the breeding, raising, confinement, exploitation, slaughter, and consuming of any animal for the very clear reason that they can sense and feel and communicate, and I know I would never, ever want to be in their positions.
what a great post and very well written. Congrats and I totally support everything that you had to say.
I get all the invites still, no drinking no meat eating little me.
Maybe it’s another issue?
I bring salads and have a blast. If anyone wants to eat meat that is their business and what I eat is mine.
nuff said
deb
@debbiedoesraw
Sadly, it’s also the animals’ business (the ones who are used in food production). How I wish it were simply a ‘personal choice’ issue where “I respect your choice and you respect mine” – but could you imagine saying to someone “You respect that I don’t beat my children, and I respect that you beat yours”. There’s a third perspective there that is so often overlooked. But I digress…
Love this post and your Discerning Brute website – just found them! So true that men view meat as masculinity – it drives me bonkers! I think it takes an even stronger/more masculine men to say “eff it, I’m going to be vegan and I don’t care what people think” than it does to go with the flow and eat flesh. Way to go!
Just a thought, your ideas are completely valid for how you see things, but don’t encompass, all realities and full contexts, and seem to have a resistance to what you see as wrong instead of just the inspiration to what you see is right. That which is resisted persists. Love
@Jeremy
“That which is resisted persists” sounds like some new age self-help slogan. If it weren’t for resistance (the Warsaw ghetto uprisings, the Zapatistas, the feminists, civil rights, etc etc etc) most social justice movements would have failed. Love does not equal pacifism.
It’s too convenient and easy to invalidate a non-human’s vocal and physical expressions.
Cries and attempts at escape are only subject to invalidation when the culture at large perpetuates a reality where the perspective of the non-human is inferior or secondary.
Hi Joshua – great post.
I feel things moving in the same direction for me in many respects. I never bring up my veganism at family gatherings and outings (unless asked – in which I case I’m more than happy to talk about why I’m vegan), yet I get the distinct feeling that my presence is threatening to them. My silence is increasingly met with defensiveness. It’s curious, and yet I guess I’m not really surprised. It’s as though my mere presence is a challenge – a challenge to the choices they are making. Living by example is a powerful thing.
You can come to our BBQ’s anytime.
Hi Joshua,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Did you ever see the FX show “30 Days” by Martin Spurlock (from “Supersize Me”)? Well, Martin Spurlock documents a meat eating man who stays with a PETA activist family for a month. Check it out.
@Jim
Wow Jim, what a HUGE masculinity you have.
Thank you for proving my point about dude-culture and meat-eating! I might use that quote in my next article… did you think of that one yourself?
I still get invited to eating activities with omnivores, but I don’t go. Why would it be fun for me to see the corpses of those I care about being devoured by people I’m supposed to think are decent? Too hearbreaking, not to mention the cognitive dissonance.
My brother makes the best stuff for vegan BBQs! Grilling guilt-free is freakin’ awesome.
I also think Jim secrety wants to be vegan.
yeah Joshua way to represent Syracuse