Must Be Tall and Handsome, Smart and Vegan
Welcome back to Meatless Monday! Are you going to join your pals at CSL in making meat-free chow choices today? Check out this astounding fact (more here): 2,000 gallons of water is needed to raise 16 ounces of red meat (approximately 2 Big Macs)! Just think of the difference you can make just by giving up meat once per week. Today’s blogger is Jasmin Singer, National Advocacy Organizer and Advocacy Campaign Team Manager for Farm Sanctuary. Jasmin is here to share her perspective on how being vegan not only affects your dinner plate, but can also influence your love life. Visit her blogs, Making Hay and Zaftig Vegan.
Rules for Dating:
1. Must be tall and handsome (or at least 5’7” and not hideous).
2. Must be gainfully employed (or at least have a really good internship).
3. Must live within 30 miles (or at least on this continent).
4. Must be male. (Well, probably…).
5. MUST be vegan!
You know that commercial where the really hunky guy smiles and winks at the pretty girl, and she starts to approach him flirtatiously and hopefully? Then when she gets there he takes a drag of his cigarette and she sees that his teeth are brownish and he’s really not that sexy anymore, so she makes a disgusted face and walks away? If that commercial were to exist in Veganopia, the seemingly-sexy guy would automatically become unpalatable as soon as the enlightened woman noticed his hamburger or milkshake. Just before the woman sneered in disgust, you’d see an X-ray vision of the man’s enlarged prostate and clogged arteries. Then, the TV screen would say “Meat and Dairy Kill,” with a background picture of a downed pig or cow being prodded to stand up.
Okay, back to reality. If you’re a vegan in the market for a date or a lifelong lover, you might be forced to reassess the rules. But where do you draw the line when looking for your him or her? If veganism is bolded and underlined in your dating rulebook, does that mean you are looking for a lover with the same ethical bottom line as you, so that you know right-off-the-bat you already share a worldview, which (though obvious to us), is still in the vast minority? Or are you closing yourself off to possibly “converting” a would-be romantic prospect to a life of cruelty-free choices, thereby losing the opportunity to save hundreds or thousands of lives from unnecessary cruelty and death?
The vegansexual dilemma is one that many of us will face. Ingrid Newkirk believes that it’s our obligation to date non-vegans, turn ‘em vegan, and then move on to the next guy or gal. But what if you just can’t palate the idea of getting intimate with somebody who partakes in the commodification that is the very thing you work so hard to fight? Or maybe it ain’t that deep; maybe, to you, it’s just plain gross to think of kissing someone who just ate a dead bird.
If you don’t feel married to the idea of vegansexuality, then pulling an “Ingrid” might be in order. Since a vegan saves hundreds of lives a year, think of how many you could reach by veganizing your lovers with the lure of compassionate cupcakes, good old-fashioned education, and a side of sex. (After all, vegans taste better.)
But what of the vegansexual with a yearning to find a significant other? The problem arises when you realize that it’s slim pickins in the vegan world of dating. It’s useful to determine for yourself what’s gotta give. Is it your partner’s religion? Their body type? Perhaps even their gender?
As for me, I dated and converted my share of meat-eaters. Some of my exes have gone on to do the same for others, spreading veganism as if it were sexually-transmitted! A little over two years ago, however, I was faced with a quandary. I was in the beginning stages of dating two people: One was a long-standing vegan animal rights activist, and the other was veg-curious. Through sex, truth, and videotape, the veg-curious became vegan. That was my cue. Feeling as though I’d paid my dues, and after years in the dating game where I sometimes felt more like a humane educator than a girlfriend, I wanted to settle down. So I chose the animal rights activist, and after several months of my begging, she chose me back.
There were a few things which made us seem like an odd couple. Aside from our dramatic age difference, there was the fact that we had each dated men in the past but had recently been bowled over (then gotten over) by women. So in addition to healing from lost-loves, we were still trying on the word “lesbian” for size, and muddling through the awkwardness and beauty of the starting stages of an unusual new romance.
Though I can’t say I ultimately leaned toward women because there were just four men on veggiedate at that time (all of whom I’d unsuccessfully dated), I have to say, the scarcity of men did have an impact. For me, sexual preference was always a bit fuzzy (I was engaged to a man at twenty). I was of the mind that it was the person that took the cake, not the appendage. And since I wanted that cake cruelty-free, my mind was open. For me, my ultimate what’s-gotta-give factor was gender.
If you’re thinking, Crap! I’m already vegan, now I have to be gay too?!, the answer is no, of course you don’t. In no way am I suggesting that 1.you need to bat for the same team in order to find vegan love, or 2.everyone is even capable of being attracted to someone of the same sex. Nor am I suggesting that homosexuality, any more than heterosexuality, is always a choice, rather than an imperative – there are many people we all know who have been gay from the moment they were conceived. I was merely pointing out that sexual fluidity has its vegan charms…just ask my partner.
So, to be vegansexual or not to be vegansexual? Take a look at your rulebook. Figure out where you can bend, and bend there. If you find the right person and they aren’t vegan yet, be patient – they might come around. If they don’t, then it probably wasn’t meant to be (IMHO). Your veganism is the best part of you; you should be with someone who gets that, even if they don’t at first.
And that should be your one unbendy rule.
- Posted by Guest Blogger on August 3, 2009 at 7:00 am
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Tagged as: dating, meatless mondays, relationships
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I don’t think I’ve ever had a relationship with a guy who had my eating habits (vegan). It never really was an issue for me, we all make choices and who am I to dictate what’s ethical or not? Those was always my inner emotions.
Thanks Jazz, for this thoughtful blog which I am glad I took the time to read… Once we stop dating and going out to eat all the time…. I think eating habits in a relationship come to the foreground. As a vegetarian with strong vegan tendencies, I would have a hard time preparing meat dishes for anyone I love, even if that is what they prefer to eat…and I am happy to say that all of my immediate family had given up eating animals long ago. I am sure that compatible eating choices are key to a good and enduring relationship.
I am so lucky. I became a vegan within a month of dating my bf. He didn’t push it on me in the slightest. I just wanted to nurture him with some food he could eat, and when I discovered how tasty it was (thanks, Sarah Kramer) and how great I felt, I was sold. It awakened my compassion for animals and my desire to choose the best thing for the environment. Now, it is a integral part of who I am. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year now, and this has been his greatest gift to me.
I don’t date-but when I find the “right one” for me, I don’t think his eating habits would make me not want to be involved with him. That would just be ridiculous! I wouldn’t push veganism on him, but I’m sure with my cooking he would think to at least eat vegan some of the time, which would be good enough for me. The only thing I would have a problem with is having meat in my house. That would bother me. But what can you do?
My wife (then girlfriend) and I went vegan together, so I had it easy. But given the seeming high proportion of female vegans to male vegans, I think veganism is a potential gold mine for straight single guys. Like being in a rock band, going vegan is a first-class ticket to sexy. Not that getting a date is what it’s all about, but if you’re a “veg-curious” guy, take the plunge and enjoy the added benefits (aside from a clean conscience and a healthy body).
I did not become a vegan until 12 years after I met my husband, so we’re dealing with our dietary differences now. For the most part, he follows a vegan diet, but he enjoys a good bbq as well. I can’t say that it doesn’t bother me, but I know that my complaints aren’t going to help the situation. In my opinion, the best way to educate others is through example and by exposing non-vegetarians to books and documentaries that bring animal rights and environmental issues to light. We recently went to see Food, Inc. and it had a huge impact on him. Thanks for starting this great discussion, Jasmin!
I am a vegan and not for moral reasons for health reasons and my husband is so not. He is married to a classical french chef… or so he thought. Long before I swapped teams.. But it all works out. Life is about allowing others to be themselves. So to each his own. Good luck in your search. Callie
I follow a plant-based diet for health reasons and have many friends who are vegan, but haven’t dated anyone who is either eats a plant-based diet or is vegan.
Great article. Thanks!
I’m vegan but some of the kindest most compassionate people I’ve known in my life have eaten animal products so, I guess on that basis I wouldn’t exclude them from my life either by not dating them or choosing not to be friends with them…
We’re all at different points on our own journey…
Great thought provoking post !
This is a great post. My sweet husband is mostly vegetarian and I am grateful for the changes he has made.
I dated and “converted” a couple of omnis, but they didn’t stick with it once they weren’t living in my home and eating my cooking any longer. Mores the pity.
I married a vegan–it wasn’t so much a purposeful decision as I fell for a vegan and we never wanted to be apart. Of course, not having to defend myself all the time (“why not honey, bees are stupid…” “why not eggs if they’re free range?”) was a big plus.
Wow, this so hit home, on so many levels. What resonates most with me here is that I am vegan and am in a relationship someone who is not and most likely will never be, vegetarian, let alone vegan. The reason: she absolutely loathes veggies, a fact I cannot fathom! Ive chosen to accept it for a very important reason that you mentioned – she totally and completely supports my choices to eat a plant based, gluten and dairy free diet. gets my reasons, moral- and health- related
Perhaps the saving grace is that we do share the same love of animals. Shes a total activist when it comes to animal rights ( I know, I know, then how can she eat them? I ask that daily!) and Im betting if I find a way to make vegan cooking palatable to her, I might be able to move her closer the my side. If not, Ill just keep setting the best example I can! Again, thanks for starting such a thought provoking discussion!
I recently became a vegan after being vegetarian almost my whole life, but I’ve never had the luxury of dating a vegan or even a vegetarian. I recently decided though that I will never marry anyone who isn’t completely vegan. My big issue is that I have a 4 year old and we fight constantly about what he should or shouldn’t eat. Whenever I settle down with someone and have more kids with him, I want us to be completely in agreement about how to raise our kids. It’s almost akin to wanting to marry someone with the same religious values as yourself. Of course, the hard part is finding a vegan guy – so far I’ve only met one and he’s a Catholic priest, so he’s off the market.
This is hilarious. Being Jewish, I am forever being set up with jewish boys. I would like to officially convert to organic. It is for sure my religion and I imagine will keep me single for a while to come. Veggie boys that bathe and have ambition seem a tough one to find.
I must be either really fortunate or really uncompromising. It’s probably both. I’ve been an ethical lifestyle veg’n for 20 years now, and I haven’t been in a relationship with a non-veg’n for 16 years (during which I’ve had six relationships). I am simply NOT ATTRACTED to non-veg’ns anywhere near enough to be able to love them. I won’t even consider going on a date with a non-veg’n. I don’t care if they are as nice as the Pope…I need to feel like the person I love and spend the bulk of my personal time with shares my world-view. For dietary/health veg’ns this is nowhere near as big a deal–it’s just an inconvenience during food shopping, cooking, and meal times. For me it is a moral issue and I just cannot love a prospective partner if I can’t respect his/her morals (I’m hetero-flexible/bi-sexual). Strangely enough, while I will still get involved with a “junk food veg’n” (this hasn’t happened more than once, I don’t think), I find that I hate eating with them…if they only eat mock meats and processed foods, I just feel like they’re bodies are kind of “junky” and I find myself significantly less attracted to them! Lastly, as for Ingrid Newkirk’s advice that we keep dating non-veg’ns and converting them to veg’nism, I can’t do that. I date only those with relationship potential, not just for cheap thrills, so I can’t even kiss a non-vegetarian. Ew, GROSS. If you do it, I will never be able to understand or relate to you. …sorry. I’ve never had any problems finding a veg’n to date and whether to my credit or not, I haven’t been out of a relationship for longer than six months in the last 20 years. What’s the problem, folks?
This piece is timely since I just decided last night to break off with a person I started dating a couple of weeks ago and dietary choices were a part of my choice. Right now I am just learning and starting my veggie lifestyle after a 20 year marriage with a carnivore and I would eat fish at times. This new guy loved the vegan meal that I made for him on Saturday night, thanks Vegan Table. The next day he told me that he would make me a seafood dinner. I reminded him that I am moving towards veganism, and that I told him that at the start. His response was that I would want to eat it since it would smell so good. If this guy has no intention to respect my choices when it comes to food, I can well imagine that he will be the same in other areas. Thanks for a great, and timely, blog post.
Vegans are so sexy – meateaters are so not! But, having said that, I fell head over heals for my man, and he was a full on carnivore. I decided to accept him as is, and we just didn’t combine shopping or food for a couple of years. Then… viola! He got a brain tumor and I later got breast cancer (both of us are in our 30’s). We are both now vegan (except for the occasional meal out) – he juices for us every morning & I cook or prepare raw dinner every night. We share all food expenses & I couldn’t be more content. We support each other in these choices and, even though he’s not an “ethical vegan” the result is the same. This is truly a difficult issue for many couples and I totally relate to those that struggle combining relatively incompatible lifestyles. It is like having two religions!!
Upon reading the title of this article, I was fully prepared to hate it. I have become increasingly frustrated by vegans who imply that vegans who date carnivores are somehow less worthy. I was pleasantly surprised however to find this piece offered a thoughtful, balanced look at the subject.
My boyfriend is a carnivore and while, yes, in a perfect world my significant other would not contribute to the suffering of animals, I can’t help that I happened to fall in love with one of the millions of men who have been raised in a meat-centered society and do not find veganism particularly exciting. It’s easy for vegans to forget that transitioning to a plant-based diet is not easy for most Americans. We have been inundated from birth with meat meat meat and it’s difficult to change your lifelong eating habits. Most vegans that I know have said at some point in their life “Oh I could never be vegan!” They then gradually became open to the idea before transitioning into a vegan lifestyle.
Saying you refuse to date a vegan is the same as saying you’d never date someone based on their religion, political party, etc. Which of course, many people do refuse to date people based on those things, but I just find it almost offensive to write off entire populations of people based on one line item. If you won’t date a vegan then it seems that you would also refuse to have any non-vegan friends. Hope you enjoy that life of loneliness!
Of course I try to get my boyfriend to eat healthier, and I am proud to have gotten him open to the ideas of doing meatless mondays, but I refuse to let other vegans make me feel bad for dating a carnivore. Many vegans like to think they are so open-minded, but this never-dating-a-non-vegan view is as close-minded as it gets.
Seriously, you’ve probably missed out on so many awesome people who may have even eventually turned vegan.
This article is hilarious.
I love how vegans do the math to pretend like they’re saving lives and the environment when in reality all this exotic food is being shipped in to health food stores at all seasons using fossil fuels and using resources.
I am a vegan. I eat mostly live foods. But I acknowledge the other side of the coin and that nobody is always right.
I am partnered with a beer drinking, butter lovin’, meat eatin’, guy’s guy. He has no intentions of giving up his fleshy ways… yet, he is the least judgmental, most intuitive, have the shirt off my back kind of person I know. Life is filled with beautiful contradictions and blurry lines. Byron Katie states that there are three types of business: “Your business, my business, and God’s business.” The only business you have control over is yours so stay in what you can control. All else creates suffering and separation.
My motto is: “Do the best you can and create space for others to do the same.” I’ve changed more lives by demonstrating in silence than I have by stepping up to my favorite soap box. But sometimes speaking with a mike is fun.