Holiday Meal Survival Tips
Gatherings that revolve around food can be – to say the least – stressful for vegans. Navigating the tricky waters of family dynamics, traditions, and expectations is not easy, and it can cause waves in an otherwise calm sea.
Anyone who has transitioned from an animal-based diet to a plant-based diet knows that it is so much more profound than simply making new food choices. It’s about questioning assumptions, reexamining our values, aligning our behavior with our principles, and shifting the paradigms with which we grew up. All of this seems to happen very spontaneously once you’ve had a consciousness shift, and it can be a little unnerving – not only to ourselves but to those who are the closest to us.
As we go through this transition, we are at once incredibly excited to see the world through a different lens and devastated to recognize the dauntingly huge scale of meat-, dairy-, and egg consumption in our society. It is a painful awareness for those who know the suffering the animals endure.
But vegans have to remember that as much as we have experienced our own transformation, not everyone around us necessarily has. Even though we may feel completely changed, we cannot forget to look at how our changes affect those around us – especially our parents, no matter how old we are.
Most likely, they have been cooking the same thing for us year after year, night after night, holiday after holiday. They have gone through our picky phases, they have cut the crusts off our bread, they have slaved over our favorite “holiday roast,” and now we tell them that it has all changed.
On a very practical level, their less-than-enthusiastic reaction may be due to the fact that they absolutely have no idea what to feed you. (This is when you slip them a copy of a fantastic vegan cookbook!) Short of that, provide them with recipes, help them create a menu, offer to cook with them and for them. And all the while, let them have their reaction. Let them have their time to process it, just as you had to do. Give them time.
I think that one of the reasons parents take our transition to veganism so personally is because food is used from the day we’re born as a way for them to express their love for us. They’ve used it to nurture us and be close to us. When we reject the things they have fed us, it may feel like we’re rejecting them.
Holiday meals are an opportunity to demonstrate that we are not rejecting their traditions but rather embracing our values. Be clear that it has nothing to do with them. It is also a wonderful opportunity to show them that nothing need be sacrificed – not a beautiful centerpiece, not a filling meal with all the traditional fixings, and not the true meaning of the gathering.
Here are some helpful tips on how to make meals fun, delicious and compassionate this holiday season:
*Offer to host the holiday dinner. By hosting the meal, you can show off the endless array of options and treat your family to a vegan feast.
*Offer to make the main dish and bring it to the person hosting.
*Communicate with the person hosting the event, and introduce them to some easy ways to “veganize” the standards: Earth Balance instead of dairy-based butter, nondairy milk instead of cow’s milk, vegetable broth instead of animal-based broth.
*Be clear. Do not expect family and friends to know what “vegan” means, and do not expect them to bend over backwards to accommodate you – without any help from you.
*Be true to yourself. Though we need to weigh the consequences of our decisions, if you are uncomfortable attending an event where a turkey is displayed on the table, you do not have to go.
Time and time again, I have heard from people who panic around the holidays because they think their families won’t understand, that they will have nothing to eat. If that is our expectation, then that will be our experience. But time and time again, I see the opposite take place. When we stand up for what we believe in, with grace and humility, incredible things take place.
As much as we want our family members to be understanding and compassionate, we have to provide the same compassion and understanding. By giving compassion, understanding, respect, and patience, that’s what we create and receive.
- Posted by Colleen on November 4, 2009 at 5:00 am
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Tagged as: family, holiday
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What a wonderful post. It is so important to be understanding, rather than defensive, about the reactions of others. Thanks for your perspective!
I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with my Dad this year and I’ve insisted on bringing vegan dishes. I want to blow their minds with how delicious vegan food can be! There will be relatives there who don’t even know what a vegan is, so it should be interesting:) We should share some recipes here!
I love this recipe: http://vegnews.com/web/articles/page.do?pageId=191&catId=10
For so many of us, we are eating this way to live — as we seek to heal from diseases such as cancer. I have found as long as I make a few suggestions of things I will eat, it takes the pressure off of the cook. Like, when you are making your veggie dishes, please pull out a serving for me before you add anything like butter, cream, etc.. And it is always nice to write a thank you note afterwards thanking the cook for going out of her/his way to accomadate your health/dietary needs.
This is such an excellent post – I love the way that it is well thought out from multiple angles! I think that the idea of bringing vegan dishes to the family table is really important and I think it’s crucial to talk about them, perhaps bring copies of the recipe or show people the cookbook. It really helps de-mystify the whole process! And I think it’s vital to bring REALLY GOOD food – not just something you throw together at the last minute. That’s why I love The Vegan Table so much, I have to admit! (http://www.vegantable.com) Of all the cookbooks I own, this is the one that has never-fail recipes, ones I can count on 100% to come out great every time. And whatever the occasion – a small party with friends or a huge celebration with my whole family – the recipes have me covered! OK, so my version of the dishes may not photograph as well as the beautiful pictures in the book, but everyone agrees the food is awesome!
I really like this article, and for myself these suggestions work fine, but it is much more difficult when you have vegan children. Since my sons and I adopted a vegan lifestyle, holidays have turned into a struggle, instead of a true enjoyment. Many of our relatives are absolutely unsupporting of the way that we eat, and they try to sneak my children meat and other animal products whenever they can. They even make remarks towards them, such as “Oh, this chicken tastes so good. You should try some!”. I then have the choice between fighting the battle, or biting my tongue to keep the peace. If only they knew what they are doing…
Great post! My husband and I are fortunate to be having Thanksgiving at his aunt’s home, who so graciously leaves butter out of the vegetable dishes now, and just puts butter out for the others to add themselves. Thanks for sharing the Thanksgiving Tart recipe, Corinne.
I have offered to host numerous times, but my mother-in-law wants to control the menu… ie., must have turkey, must have brisket or no one will feel satisfied. We will be taking our “main” dishes to share to someone else’s home. Brown and wild rice with chestnuts, roasted squash and kale. So pretty and a whole meal in itself! Hoping to show that it’s possible to have a happy belly and a clear conscience. Thanks, Colleen!
Great Blog. It captures perfectly exactly what I go through on Holidays. Surprisingly, it is my 82 year old grandmother who understands my choices best. I, too, will be spending the Holiday with my meat eating family. There will be turkey AND ham, oh my! And so, I have offered to bring a vegan feast. I’m using recipes found on http://www.vegan.com. Specifically, Stuffed Winter Squash (Im in love with Kabocha!),”Cream” of Pumpkin Soup,Green Bean Casserole, and a yummy cranberry relish. I might even try the Thanksgiving Loaf, that is made with oats,grains, ground nuts and seeds…and is so so yummy! No Tofurkey on this table!
What a great post. It is so true that you go through a huge consciousness shift that you can’t turn off. It’s nice to know it’s not just me!
I think this is a great blog. Although my family and friends work very hard to support my choices I have to understand and support thiers. I dont know about all of you but for some that holiday turkey or ham means a ton of man hours for the money and a ton of work for the cook so as much as I would rather have my pumpkin stuffed with nuts and cornbread stuffing my way.. I always try to be appreciative.. not make a show and let them all know how much I appreciate thier meal when it is thier time to cook. We rotate. This means that although I dont eat it.. I may rave over how wonderful it smells and how (wink) I am missing out for my health if asked.. other than that I pig out on the basics that I can have and let them all know it is all delicious. I keep the diet talk down to a minimum on the holidays and let the tension ease up. It is stressful making that meal. I love the ideas you laid out and hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday with tons of green beans and veggies.. and LOVE>> Callie
The holidays can be very tricky. I try to bring enough to feed at least me, (one or two dishes that I will eat as a vegan) and a few other adventurous people. I very rarely come home with any leftovers, not just because I am a great cook(which of course I think I am) but because others are interested, they are just afraid or just don’t know how to cook for us because they think it is soooo different, which of course it is not. Now that was quite a run on sentence, but I couldn’t help myself! Peace
Great post. My family has always been fairly hostile to my vegan lifestyle and this post reminds me to not be hurt by their reaction. I have never been defensive towards them, but I have always been deeply hurt by their anger and confusion. Just as I seek their understanding, so should I give it. After a decade with my lifestyle, I can say that my family has started to adjust their recipes to my needs, i.e. leaving the pig fat out of the green beans (yes, I am a southern girl). Patience and understanding do pay off!
Very thoughtful post. And indeed, it is a challenging thing to deal with in terms of tradition, and much of what you described. Aware friends, and a movie, I AM ANIMAL opened my eyes and positively changed my life. I highly recommend it to those who are on the fence about exploring vegetarianism, but aspire to live a better life all the way around.
All great advice Colleen. Our family is generally supportive, they may not always understand, but they are always trying to accomodate. They don’t always know how to accomodate, but at least they try. I just be sure to always bring enough of a dish for me to eat, as well as my picky kids, AND whatever it is that they wanted me to bring. It is not always good for the pocketbook, but at least I and my kids can eat! Happy Holidays to all!
I really have no sympathy for folks who choose to eat so restrictively when they don’t have to. I have celiac disease and my cousin has a nut allergy and we both feel really guilty for making everyone cook so we can eat the food, but we will be very sick if we don’t. Usually I just bring my own meals to spare my family the trouble of trying to cook for me when they are already working so hard. I think it is totally self-righteous and ridiculous that anyone would be offended if their family had a turkey on the table. Grow up, make your own food, and don’t expect people to go out of their way because of your “choice”. You should feel lucky that you aren’t forced to avoid foods because you have allergies or autoimmune diseases.